A break

[euphoriamorning]

Hello everybody! I'm new here, but I've lurked around the forums before.

 

Okay, so here's my situation. In late 2010, I met my guy through an online dating site. At the time, he wasn't even the one I was primarily interested in (I had a crush on another dude I was dating from the site at the time!), but after the second date I changed my mind, the other guys dropped off, and that's how it went. He and I became exclusive in January 2011. He lives over an hour away, but we both knew that from the beginning and never let the distance be an issue.

 

For a long time things were so happy. We fell madly in love with each other, saw each other whenever we could, and had so many happy, magic moments with each other. We only hung out once or twice a week, and later just on weekends, but we had no issues with the long distance thing because we trusted each other. I let him into my world big-time; I opened up everything to him, confessed all of my deepest secrets and fears, and vice-versa. My whole family loves him, and his family loves me.

 

We both knew after a while that we're the one for each other. We spoke about it all the time, how this was the end of dating for us, how this was 'it', how we would get married and have kids someday. We began saving up for our place together once he graduated college (oh yeah, we're both 24). We both said how if something ever happened we'd never date anyone else, because there was no one else.

 

After a number of months, I became depressed. He became depressed. We spent many months depressed. His went away; mine didn't, because I have a slew of issues, like OCD, and depression goes hand in hand with that. Coinciding with that was the end of the honeymoon period. I began to get paranoid that he didn't love me as much if at all because he didn't say it as often. I began pushing him more and picking fights over nonsense. He felt as though he couldn't talk to me and didn't try as hard, and he felt as though he couldn't make me happy and stopped trying as hard too.

 

The fights got worse and worse, and more and more frequent. He told me a lot that if I kept pushing him he'd break up with me, and then at the end of May, that's what happened. The next day he sent me a long, heartfelt email, confirming that he loves me, that I'm the love of his life, that he still has hope for us. I replied and we began communicating through email. Gradually, we began texting too. It was all 'I love you', and 'I miss you'. We decided that instead of this being a breakup that we'd be on a break instead since we were working through a lot of our issues. That was earlier this month.

 

He asked to see me in the middle of the month; I agreed, and we had a nice night out not unlike any of our other nights out, except with a little bit of awkwardness thrown in for good measure. We didn't actually fight too often in person, but mostly through text, so whenever we hung out, that was always great.

 

I was hoping to get back together that night, but he said he wasn't ready, that he wanted more time between what had happened to us. He had told me in an email that he wants to do this slow, since we we're only going to get back together once and he wants it to be right. He said he'd wait for me to get my head on straight no matter if that took weeks or months. Well after we saw each other, I kind of fell into a tailspin. The first two weeks after the breakup, I was doing really, really well, happier than I'd been in a while. But between not hearing the answer I was expecting, pms, and sleep deprivation, I haven't been doing as well the past two weeks.

 

The week after we saw each other, he got really busy and we were communicating a lot less. One day we didn't text at all, and that was the first time since we met that that happened. One night I point blank asked him if he wanted to work on us, and he said yes, and that he loves me. And a few days later, after still feeling very anxious about things, I decided to initiate a two-week no communication break. He says he needs the time to himself too.

 

I understand that he's enjoying the time to himself, because he doesn't have to worry as much and he has more time. I mean he works full-time and goes to school, and he has ultimately only three days off a week, and two of them (Friday and Saturday) would be spent with me. So I can understand that he's enjoying his time off. I'm trying to, but for some reason I feel worse now than I did after the breakup. I've realized that I'm very insecure and I've been working on that. I'm also trying to stay positive.

 

So I guess I just need some help. I need to take my mind off of things for the next two weeks. I'd also love some tips on how to get him to make some effort for me like he was even just a few weeks ago. Will not communicating be enough? Is there something else I can do? I feel like we didn't really take a break before in a traditional sense, where you're supposed to really not contact each other and work on yourself. I feel I was working on myself but still talking to him.

 

I'd really rather just take all the time necessary for this to work rather than be too hasty and mess it up, but yeah, any comments/help/tips/advice would be great! Thanks!

Edited July 1, 2012 by euphoriamorning

[euphoriamorning]

Does anybody have any tips/advice? Sorry to double post, I could just really use some help. Thanks.

[leoc1973]

I think first of all that distance and insecure or needy people aren't going to work no matter how much you love each other or how many breaks you take. I am not trying to insult you but some people just need more attention and when they love someone they need them there all the time. If you two are going to make anything work you are going to have to figure out a way to be closer to each other. No matter how hard you try to bite your tongue you are still always going to worry about the other person and like you said let him know this through text. Which drives some people nuts by the way. It would drive me crazy if in person you were great and soon as I left you started texting me the things you really wanted to say.

 

I actually stopped seeing a girl I was quite interested in because of texting. She would text from morning to night or email and if I didn't answer right away I got the passive aggressive act every time. I couldn't take it. I think you have to give him some space cause you might be smothering him a little.

 

A lot of guys aren't into the texting so much and its more of a girl thing(in my opinion) I won't even answer a text from a guy friend I joke with them and ask them if they are a broad and can't just pick up the phone and call. If he is busy with work and school and trying to get stuff done then its really annoying to have to take out your phone and start typing back to someone.

 

OK so what do you do? Don't message him! He asked for 2 weeks.. Give it to him! I know at some point you are going to pull out your phone and wanna just know how he's doing or where he is or how his day was or if he still loves you or is thinking about you. Just don't! And don't ask him about his feelings. Forcing someone to tell you they love you is not going to work for you. I mean what is he going to say? no? Let him tell you himself. Ya know what. If he messages you during the 2 weeks don't answer him right away. He needs to know that you are a limited resource and if he isn't giving you the attention that you definitely seem to need then you are not going to return the favor.

 

Trust me I am a guy. If he loves you he's thinking about you and if you message him the way his mind is going to work is he's going to think. Phew! She's still hooked and I can go about my business and I will get back to her tomorrow. Or even worse he's going to start messaging you back and forth when he clearly needs time to himself just to be polite and its going to turn him off as bad as you can turn someone off.

 

Like I said if he loves you and doesn't get a message from you for a day or 2 its going to hit him. So to summarize. To get him back give him what he asked for and that is to be left alone and then he will come back and then you have to figure out a way to be closer cause like you said you are insecure and an insecure person needs a lot of attention and there is nothing wrong with wanting to be with a person you love all the time.

[euphoriamorning]

Hi there! I think you've hit the nail on the head a number of times.

 

Well, given that we'd only ever see each other on weekends, I'm quite used to him not being there all the time. I guess as a crutch though I've heavily relied on texting instead. Ever since he and I exchanged numbers on the dating site, we've been texting. Obviously at the beginning it very, very limited, but as time passed by it got to be more and more. I remember at the peak of it we were texting each other every fifteen to thirty minutes. Most of the time his replies would be instantaneous, and I would hold out replying for that long only so things didn't get too out of hand. I mean the longest we went without texting each other would be maybe an hour.

 

A week or so before everything happened, we both decided to cut back on the texting more, like if I was out with my friends or he went to the gym, we'd only text each other when we were done with that activity. There were a lot of fights over texts, and I really don't like texting that much because it is hard to read people's emotions that way. I just thought that's how we were supposed to communicate, you know? There'd be a chat on the phone once a week to make plans, spending the weekend together, and then as soon as he got back home safely, texting all week.

 

I say you hit the nail on the head because he agreed that it was getting annoying for him to have to text me back instantly all the time. By that point I was just used to it though and I expected it. Sometimes there'd be issues because I texted at a bad time or something and then sometimes there'd be issues of not hearing from the other person for a while.

 

When we first began talking again after the breakup, it was through email, and we'd email maybe a few times back and forth a day. I wanted to keep the lines of dialogue open, and he said we could, but in a very limited way, since we're supposed to be working on ourselves. Of course for me talking to him is comfortable so instead of listening I just went back to talking like usual almost. Gradually he began texting me again, and what went from a few texts every couple of hours of course turned back into texting again throughout the day, just not as bad as before. That lasted for a while, until I guess he realized he needed time to himself and I mentioned the two week no contact break and he gladly took it. And you're right, I did stupidly ask him how he was feeling about things the last week we spoke because he wasn't texting as frequently, and I kind of pushed him about it which was what I was guilty of before. I think I was definitely being smothering.

 

Well, I'm trying to work on my insecurities, but it's not an overnight process, of course. Regarding us being closer together, we've talked for a long time about living together, and the only thing that's stopping us is he doesn't graduate college until January and really shouldn't transfer since he's been working so hard to finish school. We've both been saving up and what have you. Early on in the emailing process he mentioned he wants to live together again, but it still can't happen for another six months or so.

 

I'm already a couple of days into the break. He seemed surprised that I even initiated it; he texted me 'you'd really be okay with this?' because I guess he thinks I can't do it. But the reason I picked the break to end on a Thursday was because I wanted to get together that weekend for a date to just kind of feel each other out again. Should I be the one to get in touch then? I really want it to be him, but if we don't see each other that weekend, I won't be available until two weeks later. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. I mean, on the one hand, I feel like we're in a break instead of a breakup so we should be communicating (which I think is my problem and I was definitely pushing communication too hard before) while on the other I want to give him the space necessary and also give me the space necessary to feel better. So I'm torn on that.

[leoc1973]

Ok the first question I have for you is are you sure this is just a break and he just doesn't have the balls or the heart to make it a real break up?

 

Ok and secondly, things like this take time to hit some people. Well with me anyways. When my ex dumped me I remember packing up my stuff and leaving and while driving to my moms house I remember feeling almost relief like whew I can breathe now. I remember while I was driving saying to myself I am free. I can go do whatever I want with whomever I want now. Probably for a week I felt that way. But then the days went by where she didn't call or text and I started thinking,"holy **** she's serious" Then it hit me like a sledgehammer in the chest. Like all at once. I had thought she loved me more than I loved her and there was no way she wasn't going to crack and want me back. And it got worse and worse till I just broke down and called her and she told me no and that she was serious and I went from relief that I was free to date/sleep with and do whatever I wanted to oh my god I gotta get her back.

 

I would think there has to be someone else cause usually with a woman there is someone else. Anyways long story short as the man I went from one extreme to the other. And if your guy really loves you he will too.

 

You are on a break so give it to him. If you show him that if you say something you mean it then it means a lot. If you say one day we are on a 2 week no contact break and then call the next day it shows that your words mean nothing. He needs to know that if you are talking about a breakup then its something that is very possible and real. Not just words you are throwing around to scare him.

 

I told you about the girl that I was seeing with the texting problem and I remember cringing everytime she texted me. I know you said you have to work on your insecurities and thats good that you realize it and know its something that has to be fixed but in the meantime whenever you feel like getting ahold of him just don't! Don't even think about it. Don't tell yourself that you are going to write a message but not send it because you will send it and it will kill your relationship.

 

Like I said before you are a finite resource and he needs to know that the chance of losing you is a very real possibility. And like I said if he really loves you it will go from him feeling like he can finally breathe and think to he has to have you! As soon as you show him that you are not going to be walked on.

 

I would let him contact you and if it comes down to you miss your weekend together then oh well his loss. It will send him a message that your time and love are precious and if he wants them he will have to do a little work too. Not come hang out and get laid whenever he feels like it. Show him that there are windows open for him and yes you do love him but if he misses his window then you won't open another one he will have to wait till you have time again.

 

Nothing turns a guy on more than a confident in control woman. It makes us feel like you are a real person and not just an annoying sex toy.

[euphoriamorning]

To answer your question, yes, it's a break. The situation is a bit strange. We broke up first at the end of May. He did it, but he told me that he didn't want to do it, but that he felt like he had no choice because even though he warned me I was pushing him too much and I didn't stop doing it. And he's right, I didn't stop, because I didn't realize what I was doing until I took a step back and looked at the big picture. I was going to prepare myself for a couple of days before getting in touch with him, but I didn't have to, since he emailed me first pouring his heart out. We both decided that we wanted to salvage things. He said through an email that this seems more like a break. I asked if that was what it was, he agreed, and since early June (about a month now), we've been on a break.

 

Like I said, we saw each other once and it was just like the old days. Maybe it shouldn't have been, but I didn't know to act any other way. And then for two weeks he was unavailable on the weekends and I assume we would have seen each other this weekend had I not initiated the no communication break. But just to make it clear, since the breakup up until last week, we had been talking just about every single day.

 

The last weekend before I initiated no contact I kind of wanted to make him feel like he was losing me, but I didn't feel as though I got through to him, probably because I didn't drop contact. Part of me feels that I should have just stopped contacting him rather than telling him about it and that he might only freak out once that two week window is closed and I don't get right back to him. I think I've been way too accommodating and so he hasn't had to put in as much effort, and in turn that's made me more insecure, and so my insecurities have come out in not so favorable ways, and thus he's recoiled more.

 

He told me he wants this time for himself, and I feel that eventually, if it hasn't happened already, that something will change in his head like you said.

 

You're right though. As much as I love him and as much as this hasn't been easy and as much as I just want things fixed, I have to be stern and remind him through actions that he has to work at this too. I think just saying 'I feel you're losing me' and then following up and making sure he knows that is not nearly as effective as just not saying anything and letting him worry. I have to actually prove it now.

 

And in terms of being confident, that is definitely what I want to get back to! That's how I was at the beginning, but it's hard to go back a year and a half later after all that time and history and feelings. Sometimes I'm there but it doesn't last long enough. With time I'm sure it will.

 

You've been a big help! Thank you! (And if anyone else is reading and wants to add their two cents, that'd be much appreciated too!)

Edited July 2, 2012 by euphoriamorning

[leoc1973]

Trust me I know what its like losing confidence. When I first met my ex I had a lot of options. I went out with freinds a lot and met a lot of girls and not saying I am some great thing or something but there were several that I guess you could say were after me, my ex included. So I was oozing with confidence always upbeat and i'd like to think I was a joy to be around. Then my ex and I started dating exclusively. 6 years later I don't go out I don't hang out with my friends I don't have any options as far as women at the time and the ex broke up with me. Funny thing is part of it was that "I lost myself" I guess she would rather have me out drinking and chasing girls! LOL but anyway I went from having probably too much confidence to none at all. I had even gained some weight so didn't feel good about myself.

 

Now a while after the breakup I am in shape again and have options as far as women and here comes the ex wondering why she let me go. So yes get back to yourself and maybe even be a little cockey and your ex will feel it when he finally does talk to you.

 

And yes don't say anything to him. Just start to fade away. He will come around if he really loves you. If he doesn't then there was not enough love on his side in the first place so better that you found out now. OH and another thing. If he does come around and pours his heart out again. At least make him think you have to think about it. Cause if you don't then he will always think thats all he has to do is write you a sappy email everytime he wants your company.

 

Again good luck and I will shut up now in case anyone else wants to chime in!

[euphoriamorning]

As an update, he posted on twitter last night (we still follow each other) that he's depressed and wants someone to talk to. It's taking all of my strength not to reach out to him and offer support. I know I shouldn't though. Plus part of me is glad in a way that he's feeling the way I've been largely feeling since all this started. I mean, there are bright moments and they're getting to be more and more, but not talking with your best friend hurts, and knowing they're hurting hurts even more. Meh.