Our First Get Away - MM wants to go Dutch??

[GettingTired09]

MM and I started our A 2.5 years ago. My divorce became final 3 months ago. He is still at home but still talks about wanting to leave and have a formal relationship with me. I'm starting to loose faith though but that is not the issue that brings me here today.

 

Since the beginning of our relationship he talked about wanting to travel with me, visit places, urged me to get a passport, etc. and I feel he patiently waited to take that vacation until my divorce was final.

 

We started planning a caribbean get away earlier this week and everything was going wonderfully, very excited about visiting such a beautiful place. I NEVER took any trips with XH (I was married for 13 years) and neither has he with W (they have been together for 19 years). He said he had always dreamed about visiting that place and what better person to do it than with me!

 

So I have been looking online at all the deals they have to offer and the tours that are available to visit the areas. I told him package prices and I told him we should agree on a budget and what our preferences are, all inclusive, by the beach, etc., etc.

 

Fast forward five days and last night he asked me if I had money to pay for my part because we were going dutch!! I asked him why he was being so uptight about it and he said "I do not have that kind on money" when I well know he does! I told him that was not very gentleman-like and he said he is ready to cover his own expenses.

 

I do want to state that I am not a free loader! I am very conscious when we go out and without having to discuss it, we take turns when paying for dinners, lunch, etc. But I do feel that he definitely lets me spend more than I should.

 

I can pay for my part, but that is not the point, it is the way it makes me feel. I thought he was inviting me to take a vacation together, that he would be delighted to finally spend a few days together at a magical place and take this opportunity to treat me like the "queen" he so much tells me I am to him.

 

I am so conflicted about this. I mean, if we are having issues about money right now when we have not even booked the darn trip, can you imagine while we are there????? I do not know. I even thought about booking two different rooms!! I mean, if he wants me to pay my share, might as well get two rooms! I also told him that if that was going to be the case, I was not willing to go for just 3 nights/4 days, I would want my money's worth and stay for at least 4 nights/5 days. I asked him if it was his wife going with him if he would be asking her to pay her half and he said "that is why I am not taking her"! (by the way, they have separate bank accounts, he does not control her money and she does not control his).

 

I also want this trip to be my farewell because I can no longer continue with this situation. I did my part, I separated, I moved out, I divorced. He is still conflicted, does not want to let me go but does not want to hurt his children. I understand it is not easy to make a life changing decision overnight but after 2.5 years I am not willing to wait any longer and I am okay with letting him be and remain on the path he is.

 

How should I handle this issue in a tactful manner? I do not want to call it off but with his comments, I do not feel like it is a special anything anymore.

 

I apologize for the lenghty message!

[darkmoon]

he might treat you like a "queen" but this particular queen-treatment of a hoiday is too expensive for him

Edited July 1, 2012 by darkmoon
rticulay

[Spark1111]

OMG!

 

Move on.

 

If a man truly loves you, he want to protect, profess and provide for you!

 

A man in love will try to spend his last dime on you if you are the type to let him. He will almost ruin himself for you.

 

Obviously, there finances are not as separate as you have been led to believe, or the economic times,being what they currently are, he can no longer to pay for your half of this much talked of and dreamed of vacation away together.

 

Just yuck!

 

I feel for you and I am sorry that you have to endure this. Does he put gas in your car? Try to help you with bills? Help you around the house or apt?

 

How EXACTLY does he show you he cares for you?

 

Resources are VERY PRIMAL to a man, and if suddenly they are scarce when it comes to taking you away, I would be very, very angry and suspect about his intentions to leave his marriage and homestead for you.

[2sunny]

If he's not willing to pay for you to take a few days of vacation with him - he's certainly not going to pay the money a divorce will cost him!

 

Take the vacation without him!!!

[2sunny]

Where does his W think he'll be while he's supposed to be vacationing with you?

 

He may be trying to sabotage it on purpose if his wife may get suspicious - he may not plan to go at all - but needs good reason to make you mad enough to say he's not going after all.

 

If any apply - its passive aggressive and cowardly at best...

[Silly_Girl]

OMG!

 

Move on.

 

If a man truly loves you, he want to protect, profess and provide for you!

 

A man in love will try to spend his last dime on you if you are the type to let him. He will almost ruin himself for you.

 

 

I'm happy to say that I don't think a PERSON (I hate this gender crap) should show their love by spending money and I consider it a turn-off.

 

OP, if you're offended why not go on holiday on your own. You'd have to pay for yourself then, too.

[denise_xo]

So you are saying that because he has a penis and you have a vagina, he should pay for you? I've never understood this logic. Alternatively, if paying for someone is a way of proving your love, why don't you prove your love to him by paying for the whole trip? Isn't that what you want him to do? Why doesn't it work both ways?

[YellowShark]

Your "soulmate" doesn't want his wife to see a big expense. Paying for a "cheaters getaway" would be noticeable. Its not rocket science.

 

Now that we all know that your "soulmate" for the past 2.5 years is hiding you and his affair from his wife sounds, like you are just an "easy lay" and not "a future."

 

Surprise!

 

And if you left you marriage for this guy, then you left your marriage for nothing.

[Ladydrib]

MM and I started our A 2.5 years ago. My divorce became final 3 months ago. He is still at home but still talks about wanting to leave and have a formal relationship with me. I'm starting to loose faith though but that is not the issue that brings me here today.

 

Since the beginning of our relationship he talked about wanting to travel with me, visit places, urged me to get a passport, etc. and I feel he patiently waited to take that vacation until my divorce was final.

 

We started planning a caribbean get away earlier this week and everything was going wonderfully, very excited about visiting such a beautiful place. I NEVER took any trips with XH (I was married for 13 years) and neither has he with W (they have been together for 19 years). He said he had always dreamed about visiting that place and what better person to do it than with me!

 

So I have been looking online at all the deals they have to offer and the tours that are available to visit the areas. I told him package prices and I told him we should agree on a budget and what our preferences are, all inclusive, by the beach, etc., etc.

 

Fast forward five days and last night he asked me if I had money to pay for my part because we were going dutch!! I asked him why he was being so uptight about it and he said "I do not have that kind on money" when I well know he does! I told him that was not very gentleman-like and he said he is ready to cover his own expenses.

 

I do want to state that I am not a free loader! I am very conscious when we go out and without having to discuss it, we take turns when paying for dinners, lunch, etc. But I do feel that he definitely lets me spend more than I should.

 

I can pay for my part, but that is not the point, it is the way it makes me feel. I thought he was inviting me to take a vacation together, that he would be delighted to finally spend a few days together at a magical place and take this opportunity to treat me like the "queen" he so much tells me I am to him.

 

I am so conflicted about this. I mean, if we are having issues about money right now when we have not even booked the darn trip, can you imagine while we are there????? I do not know. I even thought about booking two different rooms!! I mean, if he wants me to pay my share, might as well get two rooms! I also told him that if that was going to be the case, I was not willing to go for just 3 nights/4 days, I would want my money's worth and stay for at least 4 nights/5 days. I asked him if it was his wife going with him if he would be asking her to pay her half and he said "that is why I am not taking her"! (by the way, they have separate bank accounts, he does not control her money and she does not control his).

 

I also want this trip to be my farewell because I can no longer continue with this situation. I did my part, I separated, I moved out, I divorced. He is still conflicted, does not want to let me go but does not want to hurt his children. I understand it is not easy to make a life changing decision overnight but after 2.5 years I am not willing to wait any longer and I am okay with letting him be and remain on the path he is.

 

How should I handle this issue in a tactful manner? I do not want to call it off but with his comments, I do not feel like it is a special anything anymore.

 

I apologize for the lenghty message!

 

You should absolutely call it off! You are right, he's being petty and should be thrilled to go on a vacation with you if this is something he's always wanted to do and he loves you so much and you've not been able to be together that way!! He's not acting like someone who wants that as bad as he may have led you to believe. Makes me wonder if the reason he and his wife never took vacations was his doing - not hers.

 

If it were me, I hope I'd put my desire to go aside and cancel on him. I'd say, " listen, I thought this was important to you too. Based on the way you're behaving, I'd rather just not go." and then I'd like to say, "and I'm divorced now and free to do what I want. You still have all this baggage. Call me when you've sorted your stuff out".

 

You should be congratulating yourself! You have made some really tough decisions and taken some really difficult actions. You have cleared so much emotional clutter from your life and have a beautiful clean slate of hope in front of you. Only good things to come and I bet you're through the hardest parts. Take advantage of this opportunity you've bravely created for yourself. Focus on you. And tell Mr. Lover boy to move it on out!

[Summer Breeze]

You're going on vacation and going to break it off. Why? Why on earth would you go to those lengths. Break it off and get yourself away for a break on your own.

[jwi71]

. I'm starting to loose faith though but that is not the issue that brings me here today.

 

Then why bring it up - its completely outside the issue you present.

 

Since the beginning of our relationship he talked about wanting to travel with me, visit places, urged me to get a passport, etc. and I feel he patiently waited to take that vacation until my divorce was final.

 

Could be future faking.

 

We started planning a caribbean get away earlier this week and everything was going wonderfully, very excited about visiting such a beautiful place. I NEVER took any trips with XH (I was married for 13 years) and neither has he with W (they have been together for 19 years). He said he had always dreamed about visiting that place and what better person to do it than with me!

 

He said.

What does he actually do?

(foreshadowing...this is a theme Im sure)

 

Fast forward five days and last night he asked me if I had money to pay for my part because we were going dutch!! I asked him why he was being so uptight about it and he said "I do not have that kind on money" when I well know he does! I told him that was not very gentleman-like and he said he is ready to cover his own expenses.

 

I do want to state that I am not a free loader! I am very conscious when we go out and without having to discuss it, we take turns when paying for dinners, lunch, etc. But I do feel that he definitely lets me spend more than I should.

 

I can pay for my part, but that is not the point, it is the way it makes me feel. I thought he was inviting me to take a vacation together, that he would be delighted to finally spend a few days together at a magical place and take this opportunity to treat me like the "queen" he so much tells me I am to him.

 

Uhm...what?

Are you serious?

Just so I understand...your upset because he lets YOU spend more than you think you should - including paying for your own way on vacation?

Really?

smh

 

Why are you deserving of a free trip?

 

Because, honestly, you are coming across as a spoiled little girl who isn't getting her way. For free.

 

I am so conflicted about this. I mean, if we are having issues about money right now when we have not even booked the darn trip, can you imagine while we are there????? I do not know. I even thought about booking two different rooms!! I mean, if he wants me to pay my share, might as well get two rooms! I also told him that if that was going to be the case, I was not willing to go for just 3 nights/4 days, I would want my money's worth and stay for at least 4 nights/5 days. I asked him if it was his wife going with him if he would be asking her to pay her half and he said "that is why I am not taking her"! (by the way, they have separate bank accounts, he does not control her money and she does not control his).

 

Whats the conflict about again?

Oh yeah - you "deserve" a free trip.

(because, as you said, you are ONLY asking about the "non-intertwined money issue")

Grow up.

 

I also want this trip to be my farewell because I can no longer continue with this situation. I did my part, I separated, I moved out, I divorced. He is still conflicted, does not want to let me go but does not want to hurt his children. I understand it is not easy to make a life changing decision overnight but after 2.5 years I am not willing to wait any longer and I am okay with letting him be and remain on the path he is.

 

Wait...you did your part?

That implies your MM played a role in filing for D.

It also implies a certain "he owes me" thinking on your part - after all, YOU did your part and he has yet to.

 

And, lemme tell you, that's going to be a well established pattern for you and him if it isn't already.

 

And...you're going on vacation to break up? That just defies logic to me.

Why not dump his azz on the phone and go on your own (or are you trying to mooch a free trip out of this...)

 

How should I handle this issue in a tactful manner? I do not want to call it off but with his comments, I do not feel like it is a special anything anymore.

 

I cannot think of how to tactfully tell your MM you are breaking up because he doesn't spend enough money on you, or "lets you spend too much of your own money", or doesn't pay for your vacation - yeah, tact and decorum checked out long ago methinks.

 

Maybe you can demand a stipend for your time. You know, instead of altering paying for dinner...he just gives you a monthly allowance. Would that be better?

[TaraMaiden]

If you decide to have an affair with a person who is legally obligated and attached to somebody else, he's not going to ever show, in any way whatsoever, to that person, that he's "Eating for two".

Stands to reason...

"What do you mean, the hotel bill was over a $1000...?!!?"

 

"Well, I used the mini-bar a lot...."

 

 

He is living a complete lie, lying to his wife, and lying to you.

that must be exhausting...

 

Juggling time with you, juggling time with his wife, accounting for every dime... keeping all the plates spinning must take a lot of energy...

 

the poor guy needs a holiday...

[whichwayisup]

To expect him to pay your expenses is ridiculous. Sorry but it would be the same if he was your boyfriend and you two weren't living together. You're not married to him, you aren't his girlfriend..You are his OW on the side. It's an affair so it is unfair of you to even put this on him.

 

If you want to go away with him, do so, but YOU pay for your own flight ticket. He has NO obligation to you. Sorry to be blunt but you need a reality check here.

 

You better hope nothing bad (health wise, or an accident) happens while away. You two are taking a chance by going away together.

[SBC]

But I do feel that he definitely lets me spend more than I should.

 

 

 

This is the line that made me scratch my head. He "lets" you spend more than you should --what does that even mean?

[reboot]

To expect him to pay your expenses is ridiculous. Sorry but it would be the same if he was your boyfriend and you two weren't living together. You're not married to him, you aren't his girlfriend..You are his OW on the side. It's an affair so it is unfair of you to even put this on him.

 

If you want to go away with him, do so, but YOU pay for your own flight ticket. He has NO obligation to you. Sorry to be blunt but you need a reality check here.

 

You better hope nothing bad (health wise, or an accident) happens while away. You two are taking a chance by going away together.

 

I thought the same, but was afraid to say so. This isn't the 1950s. I thought women were liberated now. No offense intended to anyone, but seriously.

[Ladydrib]

I am willing to bet it's not about the money. It's more about the message he is sending her that the money is even an issue. It's either saying one or both of the following:

 

1. He is concerned because he's trying to keep it secret which would indicate he does not in fact plan on leaving to be with her as he has said.

 

2. The trip is not that important to him if he's stressing about money.

 

And with that, seems to me if she feels she's waited long enough for him to be available, these are clear signs for her to implement her expiration date on their relationship/affair.

[whichwayisup]

This is the line that made me scratch my head. He "lets" you spend more than you should --what does that even mean?

 

Pretty sure this means, she is paying her way but is hoping he'll dive into his wallet and pay for her more often.

 

Paper trails..How is he to explain TWO tickets on his visa to his wife? That is why he's not paying for your ticket! They probably have joint accounts and she will find out that he's spending their money. On you.

[Art_Critic]

How should I handle this issue in a tactful manner? I do not want to call it off but with his comments, I do not feel like it is a special anything anymore.

 

Let me get this straight.. you don't want to call it off because he is married but want to call it off because he wants you to pay for your half of a vacation ?

 

Why not ask his wife if she can pay for your half then, because in reality if he pays for your half she is also paying for it too..

 

It sounds to me that the guy isn't going to leave his wife and isn't looking for any receipts that might make it worse in divorce court in case it goes that way..

 

JMO

[Spark1111]

I'm happy to say that I don't think a PERSON (I hate this gender crap) should show their love by spending money and I consider it a turn-off.

 

OP, if you're offended why not go on holiday on your own. You'd have to pay for yourself then, too.

 

Whether you accept the offer or not, doesn't your man try to pay for you? Your meals? Certainly a weekend away with you, no?

 

He offers, right? And doesn't reneg if you say sure, that would be wonderful, does he?

[Silly_Girl]

Whether you accept the offer or not, doesn't your man try to pay for you? Your meals? Certainly a weekend away with you, no?

 

He offers, right? And doesn't reneg if you say sure, that would be wonderful, does he?

 

No, we pay our own way. And I pay for my son.

 

I might buy a meal out one week so he pays for some shopping or buys the next meal. I really feel strongly that folk should pay their own way, and certainly there should be no gender bias. I'm happy to accept presents at birthday and Christmas, however

[missgangrene]

I think it's weird that you're surprised that he's not paying for your part of the trip when it seems it's the norm for him to not cover your costs.

[summerdowling87]

Don't most interdependent woman pay their own way?

 

When ever I'm with someone.

 

I all ways pay my own way unless I have no money and even then I would pay the next time and I consider myself a cheapskate lol.

[SBC]

My guy pays most often. And he brings me practical gifts, like printer ink and my favorite salon shampoo and I love that. So, to me, gifts are OK, I don't have a problem with that.

 

But like I said, the "letting me spend more than I should" comment is what caught my attention. I spend what I want to spend, when I want to spend it. No one is in charge of that for me. And if I cant afford something, and I buy it anyway, I am overspending, that I my fault --not his.

 

To me, this seems like trying to shift your problem onto his shoulders.

[KathyM]

You really hit the jackpot with this dude. A cheater AND a cheapskate who won't leave his wife but continues to string you along, and he wants to go dutch on everything. What other "qualities" does this man have that keeps you in this relationship? It's time you dumped his pathetic ass and spent your time on someone who actually has potential as a relationship partner and is not just using you for sex.

[HHC]

I'm shocked you expect him to pay for you.