tragic..moms response to my father sexually abusing me

[swedishfish]

my father was an alcoholic and phsically abused my mother. i stopped him from beating her so many times. i am 45, at 25 i told me mother that my father sexually abused me, she blew it off. recently i have confronted both of them at the same time....he denied it, and she sided with him. when i got her alone i told her about it all....she told me that she is to old (67) to start over and that it would kill her, and her response to me was that it "was tragic". how do i respond to her? i am still protecting her from him! please give me some advice!

[Balzac]

You were expecting what response?

 

I am sorry you were sexually molested. Sorry your mom failed to protect you.

[swedishfish]

i protected her my whole life. my father steals, lies, manipulates, cant trust him at all, self-centered, selfish....and i could go on...

 

i wanted my mother to take responsibilit for ****ing up my life.....i do believe she knew. she looked the other way, so he would leave her alone!

[Balzac]

In essence she was complicit. Surely it has become clear to you now that your mother is an enabler to your alcoholic father.

 

Protecting her is your action of co-dependence.

 

Have you had therapy or sought out survivor support groups?

[Ducky23]

When I was 4 years old, I told my mom that my grandfather (her dad) was touching me in bad places. I spilled the beans, told her everything, believing she would protect me. She cried and cried and swore I would never have to go back. Less than a month and I was back living with my grandparents again. That abuse escalated and carried on. I spoke to everyone I could every chance I could. My aunts, uncles, cousins, dad. Everyone but my grandma. If she left, she couldn't protect me (I was too young to think/know she'd take me with if she left). Eventually CPS/cops got involved. Everyone who knew, my whole entire family, backed my grandfather. And later on two of my uncles. They threw me to the dogs. I was labeled a pathological liar, an attention-seeker. To this day my family claims I've lied about it. My grandma at one point did leave him. There were 4 of us, me and 3 of my female cousins, that it was happening to. But less than a year later she went back to him. Believing him over us. When I was old enough, I cut ties with my family. I've been on my own since I was 13. I forgave my mother her part 5 years ago when she got sober and started making serious positive changes in her life. I allowed my grandmother to stay in my life because she was very supportive financially and because I truly believed she was not to blame. I realized more recently that she was an enabler to the abuse. By staying with him and us girls always there. Living there. A couple of weeks ago I wrote my grandmother a message spelling out all of my feelings, citing specific instances of the molestation and other things that had happened to me. 20 years later, my stories, my memories, haven't changed. I asked that she step out of my life and allow me to finally heal. She responded that I needed to stop blaming other people for my problems, seek professional help and figure out where my "false" memories are coming from. That nobody believes me and how dare I keep on with the same lies to just keep hurting people. My grandparents are barely entering their 60's. I'm struggling to live through my 20's as a single mom strapped with a career and the sh*t I've been forced to deal with through my life.

I think it's common for the spouse of the abuser (your mother, my grandmother) to simply turn a blind eye and refuse to believe that the men whom they've committed their lives to would ever participate in such atrocities. I never got justice for what was done to me. My children are not familiar with those people of my family of origin. Because I refuse to put them in a situation where there is potential for harm. I'm resolute in those decisions. I finally stopped making excuses for my grandmother and accepted that she simply never will believe my truth. So I have let her go. Same as I did with the rest 10 years ago. It hurts. But it was necessary for me to be able to move past and start healing. They made their choices. And I have made mine. I believe I'm better for it. I made the choice that was in my best interest. To extract myself and my children from their toxic environment. Sometimes this is necessary in order to move on and heal.