heartless FWB

[Mochalatte]

I have been seeing a friend 4 months now. We knew each other a year prior but became intimate recently maybe around 2nd date. I am currently going through a long divorce. Been married 16 years so dating is new to me. Now after 3yrs of seperation my divorce is a month shy from being finalized.

At first he openly stated that there was another woman that was a close friend of his that wanted more in their relationship. And until things were "settled" on my end, he thought he should date her to see where things would go. And see me as well. I never asked if he had been intimate with her. When I agreed I was thinking their wasn't much to it. But when we are together, which is once every two weeks I suppose, she texts or calls him. And he answers...usually right in front of me...or blows her call off. But yet, after we spend the day together...he gets cold and rarely texts me until he wants to see me again.

The time we spend together is good. Loving. Sex is passionate. He talks about the future and things we will do together...etc. As we progress, I bring up things like where are headed? What do you think I deserve? kind of stuff. He said I deserved more than lover and etc...and he couldn't give me that right now due to obligations. And he didn't know how not to be single. He has been divorced for 5yrs. And I then made it clear if we were to continue to have sex then my feelings would develop more. So, we continued to see each other. Until finally, I have had enough of the coldness. The vagueness after a day of lovemaking and hanging out as friends. And her calling. I text him asking if he were intimate with this woman. He said yes...

So the rest of our texting was truly awful. He said he enjoyed sex with me and knowing what goes in my world. That was it. Like he didn't have a heart at all. And I have grown to care so much about him. I just don't understand how someone can slow their blood. I am a good person. That has been in a horrible marriage. I am excellent mom. He has a special needs child that I have grown so fond of hearing about and looked forward to meeting. This man is older... why won't he grow up and start giving this a kid a life??? He has asked me to help remodel/paint his home. Decorate it. I don't understand. He has broken my heart and made me feel so used.

Edited July 1, 2012 by Mochalatte

[dixiepix]

Sounds like in the beginning he was honest about already seeing someone else yet he saw an opportunity to live 2 lives! And you agreed to it. The fact that you only saw each other every 2 weeks and that he accepted texts and calls from her when he was with you should have sent up a red flag that you were the other woman. How long had he been seeing her before he started seeing you? It would make me wonder how serious his other relationship really is and if she knows about you... which I doubt. Rule number one, if they don't take care of their children, they won't take care of anything else except themselves. It is likely that you feel used because you were. Google signs that a man is using you or cheating. You should come up with a comprehensive list to keep this from happening again.

[Mochalatte]

thank you for responding... now i just have to decide what to do.

[lovejoy41]

I agree with dixiepix. I was in something like this for 5 years!! Im a divorcee and he was too. Im 41 he's going to be 38 next month. The difference with your situation is that your guy told you about the other woman from the beginning and then he disrespected you by talking to her in front of you. Search by my name and read my post under breaks and breakup forum and you'll get the full story. The guy I was dealing with was telling me that he wasnt ready for a comittment for yrs. He was sweet, loving, gave talks to my two sons, sex was very passionate and all of that. He was never cold, we would always cuddle and spoon after sex. He didnt spend much time with me though. We started out dating every other week but since this girl it went to every 3 weeks, then once a month and he never texts until it's time again. Whenever I brought up "where is this going"? he would say " I don't like to answer questions like that"?

 

For yrs he kept telling me he wasnt ready to be serious with anyone, then BAM!, 2011 I find out another woman he was "friends" with is living with him and in June he's taken her to meet the parents. Ive only met 2 friends and a cousin. All of this I found out about on FB via her public posts. When asked about it he went ham. Said that "he didnt care about us bitches", that "she knew that he had other women", and that" she would say "1 down and 4 to go" if ever confronted by any of them". He said that it wasnt "any of my business as to why she lived with him". I told him that he'd never taken me to his parents and his response " and you're not going to either, not with that attitude". The nerve of him after 5 yrs& I had been nothing but good to him! That hurt me so bad. He'd turned into this arrogant, disrepectful, son of a bi***! And he's basically rubbing her in my face. I didnt know that he was dating her until seeing her on his myspace pge about 6mos after I met him & she had pics of her and him on her pge. He never had told me about her. He never talked to her in front of me, yet there were times when we were out that he would run back and forth to the bthrm, and at times he would text in front of me on dates until I expressed how I felt disrespected so he stopped. Other than that, I never witnessed her presence in my face. So I knew he was dating her, but he never told me that he'd taken it there as far as her moving in and meeting the parents. After I heard that I knew that he'd used me. So I ended our friendship. He had known that I had feelings for him and like you he brought up future marriage, kids, and said that he would never string me along knowing how I felt about him. I give your guy it for being honest about the other woman from the jump, unlike my dude.

 

However, you need to move on. Don't end up like I did wasting yrs with someone who's not serious about you and you end up witnessing him committ to someone else. I havent dated my friend since 7/3, havent had any contact with him since 7/26 when I texted him some silly text about a drink at the bar in a desperate attempt for some attention. He texted me "what's up"? on fri 8/3 but I didnt reply. Im heartbroke and feel used.

 

Why is he textn me when he has a woman at home? Perhaps for another fling? smh Maybe he'll get the hint since I didnt respond. Guys like these we're dealing with just want their cake and want to eat it too. You deserve better. Cut him off and do NC(no-contact)

Edited August 5, 2012 by lovejoy41

[sweetheart5381]

I have been seeing a friend 4 months now. We knew each other a year prior but became intimate recently maybe around 2nd date. I am currently going through a long divorce. Been married 16 years so dating is new to me. Now after 3yrs of seperation my divorce is a month shy from being finalized.

At first he openly stated that there was another woman that was a close friend of his that wanted more in their relationship. And until things were "settled" on my end, he thought he should date her to see where things would go. And see me as well. I never asked if he had been intimate with her. When I agreed I was thinking their wasn't much to it. But when we are together, which is once every two weeks I suppose, she texts or calls him. And he answers...usually right in front of me...or blows her call off. But yet, after we spend the day together...he gets cold and rarely texts me until he wants to see me again.

The time we spend together is good. Loving. Sex is passionate. He talks about the future and things we will do together...etc. As we progress, I bring up things like where are headed? What do you think I deserve? kind of stuff. He said I deserved more than lover and etc...and he couldn't give me that right now due to obligations. And he didn't know how not to be single. He has been divorced for 5yrs. And I then made it clear if we were to continue to have sex then my feelings would develop more. So, we continued to see each other. Until finally, I have had enough of the coldness. The vagueness after a day of lovemaking and hanging out as friends. And her calling. I text him asking if he were intimate with this woman. He said yes...

So the rest of our texting was truly awful. He said he enjoyed sex with me and knowing what goes in my world. That was it. Like he didn't have a heart at all. And I have grown to care so much about him. I just don't understand how someone can slow their blood. I am a good person. That has been in a horrible marriage. I am excellent mom. He has a special needs child that I have grown so fond of hearing about and looked forward to meeting. This man is older... why won't he grow up and start giving this a kid a life??? He has asked me to help remodel/paint his home. Decorate it. I don't understand. He has broken my heart and made me feel so used.

 

I'm sorry to say, but if he told you there was another woman and you still decided to get involved emotionally, then you caused your own problem. You telling him that "if we were to continue to have sex my feelings will develop more" was just ammunition for him/an ultimatum that went awry. You put all the responsibility for your feelings on him, thinking/assuming he would change his ways. Wrong.

 

He made his feelings (or lack thereof) clear, you are giving him his cake (you) and watching him share it with another. Just don't do it.

 

These dudes are a dime a dozen. DON'T get emotionally involved til you are damn certain they are too.

 

Sex and love are 2 totally different things. You have to differentiate, the same way men do.

Edited August 6, 2012 by sweetheart5381

[NoMagicBullet]

... He said he enjoyed sex with me and knowing what goes in my world. That was it. Like he didn't have a heart at all. ...

 

There are quite a few men who have no problem with seeing a woman -- or multiple women -- for sex and remaining completely detached emotionally. The sex may be passionate, the man may be attentive and affectionate, he may offer compliments and perhaps even take some degree of interest in what's going on in the woman's life. But at the end of the day, it all means NOTHING. It's all about keeping you happy enough to provide, shall we say... services, when convienient for him.

 

Regardless of how many women are in the picture -- maybe it's several, maybe it's just you -- these guys are players, whether they admit it or not. The only person they care about is themselves, and using people for their own benefit is what they do. Note that they don't usully see it that way; they see it as "It was just some good times between friends." You can argue whatever you want with these guys, but they'll start with things like "I never said/promised...," "You didn't ask about...", "I thought we had an understanding...."

 

Are you sure they brought up talk of the future? Because they won't dissuade you from bringing up a hypothetical future -- to them, honesty is a thing that keeps them from getting laid. And they can still say they promised you nothing, because technically they didn't, even if they let you believe it.

 

You can't always avoid players (I evaded one but was blindsided by another last year), but once the red flags appear, you've got to put distance between you and them. Definitely go no contact if things were sexual, no matter how much you don't want to. The sooner you get out, the better. It won't do any good trying to really understand them. The only thing you must understand is that these men are selfish and will put themselves first in any situation.

 

In your specific case, Mochalatte, do not be available to help remodel his house; he can get his male buddies or hire an interior decorator if he needs the help so badly. What a jerk!

[lovejoy41]

You commented on my post as well and I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart! For those of us who have never experienced a man like this, your post helps. You're not telling people what to do, not to hurt, and to just move on. You offer information as to how these type of men operate and you're right! All that you've mentioned is exactly what my friend did! Just like your 1st experience you didn't know that he was playing you and neither did myself or mochallete. But with the things you've said and what I've experienced, I know now what to look for. You're right, red flags are key! I had signs but was trying to think positively and was trying to be sure that I wasn't running away because of my fear to love but now I truly know. Thank you for all that you have brought to mochallette's thread! My apologies mochallette if I said too much about me but we have or are experiencing the same thing. Be tough, we all deserve better than these losers!

[NoMagicBullet]

I had signs but was trying to think positively and was trying to be sure that I wasn't running away because of my fear to love but now I truly know.

 

I know exactly what you mean. For those with the courage to put aside their fear (especially after a miserable LTR) to try to find real love and who want to think the best of people... well, it makes us easy targets for people like this. Best we can hope for is that we get the signs and recognize them before we get drawn in.

 

With the guy that blindsided me, I only got the signs after I slept with him. He had been an acquaintance of mine for years, and I think I brushed off many of the signs after that because I didn't really want to believe that my image of him as the good guy I had known was a complete lie. I think it's going to be quite a while before I let myself trust another man enough to let him get close to me.

 

Mochalatte, do you have an update for us? It's weird, I guess, but for some reason I want to hear about his remodel and why he didn't ask the other woman to do it.

Edited August 7, 2012 by NoMagicBullet
Addition

[lovejoy41]

@ Magic Oh wow, that's terrible. 9 years of knowing you and he did that?! Yeah, I've learned with this one. It's funny cause I see red flags with other guys and know how to dismiss them quickly, but like you with this guy I didn't want to believe that him being a good guy wasn't really true. I mean really this dude had me. Bonding with my sons, having talks with them really??? They were 15 and 12 at the time(now 20&17) but who does that? Why get the kids involved if you knew you weren't serious or were gonna be? Like you said though " they do whatever they have to to keep you happy enough to service them". smh I mean it's like I let the devil into my home with that one!

 

I know it doesn't matter, but even now I'm thinking this poor fool of a woman he's with may not have a clue that her "man" is living a double life. He's "The Player" who doesn't care about the "bitches" he's screwing, but then "The Perfect Committed Boyfriend" to her. IF he's even serious about her, does he really think that they'll have a good relationship& that she's gonna be good to him after what he's done to me & god only knows how many other women? It sucks that men like this get away with it...@least temporarily anyway. I feel for her when she finds out about all of the mess he's doing. She's going to feel worse than I am if she loves this fool. Then again, maybe she's one of these women that don't care esp if she's got other things going on the side herself. Might just be her ticket out of his house someday. Who knows! Now that I think about it, I would rather be the one who can freely walk away knowing than to be her, the one he's chosen to live with him, meeting his parents& crap not knowing that he's screwing other women behind my back. I wouldn't want to be in her position right now because obviously he doesn't really love her either, NOT with all the crap that he's doing. Anyway...Yes Mochallette come back on & tell us. Why is this dude not getting his other woman to help him? Have you dismissed him? I know how you feel trust me. Jerks!

Edited August 7, 2012 by lovejoy41

[lifegoal]

I have been seeing a friend 4 months now. We knew each other a year prior but became intimate recently maybe around 2nd date. I am currently going through a long divorce. Been married 16 years so dating is new to me. Now after 3yrs of seperation my divorce is a month shy from being finalized.

At first he openly stated that there was another woman that was a close friend of his that wanted more in their relationship. And until things were "settled" on my end, he thought he should date her to see where things would go. And see me as well. I never asked if he had been intimate with her. When I agreed I was thinking their wasn't much to it. But when we are together, which is once every two weeks I suppose, she texts or calls him. And he answers...usually right in front of me...or blows her call off. But yet, after we spend the day together...he gets cold and rarely texts me until he wants to see me again.

The time we spend together is good. Loving. Sex is passionate. He talks about the future and things we will do together...etc. As we progress, I bring up things like where are headed? What do you think I deserve? kind of stuff. He said I deserved more than lover and etc...and he couldn't give me that right now due to obligations. And he didn't know how not to be single. He has been divorced for 5yrs. And I then made it clear if we were to continue to have sex then my feelings would develop more. So, we continued to see each other. Until finally, I have had enough of the coldness. The vagueness after a day of lovemaking and hanging out as friends. And her calling. I text him asking if he were intimate with this woman. He said yes...

So the rest of our texting was truly awful. He said he enjoyed sex with me and knowing what goes in my world. That was it. Like he didn't have a heart at all. And I have grown to care so much about him. I just don't understand how someone can slow their blood. I am a good person. That has been in a horrible marriage. I am excellent mom. He has a special needs child that I have grown so fond of hearing about and looked forward to meeting. This man is older... why won't he grow up and start giving this a kid a life??? He has asked me to help remodel/paint his home. Decorate it. I don't understand. He has broken my heart and made me feel so used.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Move on!don't waste your time on this guy. He is not worth it. lots out guys out there are doing the same thing. Even if he shows some interests in getting closer to you , he will cheat on you some day.

[Mochalatte]

sorry for have falling off the charts! But thank you all for your responses. They are TRULY helpful. I'm still on the fence about walking away...leaning more toward the walk. An update:

This guy is not a callous man. Not perfect. Not one girls flock to either, but he flirts. He isn't really player material. His reasoning for not committing is that I am newly divorced, he has other obligations and can't give me the time I deserve nor be the lover he should be...at least not for now he says. He has issues with exwife and he has a child with special needs. He is also furthering his degree and works a job with odd hours.

 

We ended up having a fallout bc we are not one the same page with feelings. I suggested we just be strictly friends and start over. He agreed. A week went by. I texted him something urgent and no response. I got pissed of course. We had a another fallout via txt. I flat out told him he only wanted me for sex. Nothing more. That I didn't appreciate the nonresponsive texts when I rarely txt or call him. He responded by telling me to think whatever I may, that I didn't know him at all. That he did care about me. I said prove it then...and left it at that. He txt later that night and said there is no guarantee that he can be there at the drop of a hat for me. If I wanted to do something, he was open to do doing so if available. I hated the boundary in his remark. So I went away hurt.

 

Two weeks later, he had a medical issue so we got back in touch loosely via text. Then a week later, we went to dinner AS FRIENDS. I felt ok with it. We had the best time! He was more open about his life more than ever. And took an interest in mine. And as he walked me out, we started sharing remember when stories about us and got so funny. We decided to call it a night bc he was tired from work. And he asked for a raincheck for coffee. At my car we talked and he moved closer in and kissed me. Then proceeded to gaze and think, telling me over and over again he "wanted me, but didn't need to." He said he didn't know what it was about me. I said we just have great "chemistry." Well, you know what happened...afterwards we intimately talked for hours. Then it's goodbye and back to arms length!

 

The other long distance best girlfriend is still in the picture but he doesn't see her often if at all really. But they keep in touch by phone a good bit. I DONT KNOW WHY for the life of me that she isn't there helping him with the house! I backed off the house project. He says they are close because he has known her for years but says he won't commit to her either. He told a friend of ours he could travel the world with HER...but he seems to be more happy, looks forward to getting to know me.

Trying to be friends...Never works. We end up having sex. Then he keeps me at arms length until we meet again. Lately now more than ever. But does respond more rapidly now. I'm getting tired of feeling hurt. I just busy myself to keep my heart and mind occupied. And try not to think to care...for him or wonder if he thinks of me. I know I can't change him. Even though he says he wants to. Where is his stupid brain?? I have been there for the worst disappointment in his life, and when he has needed a friend to pick up the pieces and hold him. Only to be distanced. She was not. But this "best girlfriend" should have been the one to do so. She is so different than him in all aspects...and me. She is more "backwoods country." He doesn't get it!

 

I have been told that he has said that I have "changed his life" in the way that I am "someone that he is afraid of"

What does that mean when a man says that?!

Fearful of hurting me, or fearful of committment?

Edited August 15, 2012 by Mochalatte

[Mochalatte]

No magic bullet: I understand. This guy has duped others with his charm. He is kind! Christian-like. Which is what made me fall for him. But, leads this alternative lifestyle with me.

 

lovejoy whats going on with you?

 

lifegoal...I beginning to think you are right

[Forever Learning]

This guy has duped others with his charm. He is kind! Christian-like. Which is what made me fall for him. But, leads this alternative lifestyle with me.

 

 

You need to read that book by Chris Harvey - "Think Like A Man, But Act Like A Lady".

 

Some men will do anything for sex.

 

Act any way, say any thing.

 

I've seen it and your guy reminds me of someone I know who is very good at using women.

 

It is a subtle art, using women for sex.

 

You have got to learn to understand this. Don't waste any more time with this guy. Move on! You can do it. Better things are just ahead. Leave him behind, he doesn't deserve you. Cheers love!

[Forever Learning]

These dudes are a dime a dozen. DON'T get emotionally involved til you are damn certain they are too.

 

Sex and love are 2 totally different things. You have to differentiate, the same way men do.

 

Well said! Great insight. I hope the OP comes to understand this, so she won't waste any more time with this loser.

[Forever Learning]

There are quite a few men who have no problem with seeing a woman -- or multiple women -- for sex and remaining completely detached emotionally. The sex may be passionate, the man may be attentive and affectionate, he may offer compliments and perhaps even take some degree of interest in what's going on in the woman's life. But at the end of the day, it all means NOTHING. It's all about keeping you happy enough to provide, shall we say... services, when convienient for him.

 

Regardless of how many women are in the picture -- maybe it's several, maybe it's just you -- these guys are players, whether they admit it or not. The only person they care about is themselves, and using people for their own benefit is what they do. Note that they don't usully see it that way; they see it as "It was just some good times between friends." You can argue whatever you want with these guys, but they'll start with things like "I never said/promised...," "You didn't ask about...", "I thought we had an understanding...."

 

Are you sure they brought up talk of the future? Because they won't dissuade you from bringing up a hypothetical future -- to them, honesty is a thing that keeps them from getting laid. And they can still say they promised you nothing, because technically they didn't, even if they let you believe it.

 

You can't always avoid players (I evaded one but was blindsided by another last year), but once the red flags appear, you've got to put distance between you and them. Definitely go no contact if things were sexual, no matter how much you don't want to. The sooner you get out, the better. It won't do any good trying to really understand them. The only thing you must understand is that these men are selfish and will put themselves first in any situation.

 

In your specific case, Mochalatte, do not be available to help remodel his house; he can get his male buddies or hire an interior decorator if he needs the help so badly. What a jerk!

 

Really well written, I enjoyed reading this post. Wonderful insight! Right on the money!

[lovejoy41]

Wow Mochallette,

 

I don't want to be "Debbie Downer" here but this sounds all to familiar to me. I went through the same thing. In the beginning my friend was texting and calling regularly just to see "how it was going" and to check on me because "he hadn't heard from me", but after a while that all stopped. Before the bu and me finding out about his live in gf, his texts got few and far between until they became non-existent. Calls? Well, I never got those anymore either.

 

So as you can guess it ended up with me being the one reaching out to check up on him and IF I called which was rare he wouldn't answer. Even back then it would take him a while to reply to my texts, until he ultimately stopped responding to them too. Same scenario as you I asked why he did that to me because it was rare that I did text. I never got an answer to that. What did I do? I stopped texting and calling. What I noticed after that was that he only texted when it was time for us to "hook up" for our 1 Friday night per month rendezvous.

 

Me or noone on her can tell you what to do with your friend but I'm telling you from my experience that if you keep making excuses to NOT walk away from him don't expect for things to change. You're going to look up like I did years later and all you will be getting from this man is sex. There may be an attraction but it's most likely physical. If he was genuinely interested you wouldn't have to always reach out to him. I understand that you both have a lot going on and he has a lot going on too. You're a new divorcee& he's in school, job, has a child, etc. etc., but it's obvious you're expecting more from him in this than just sex and he's telling you he can't give you more.

 

In the first 2 years of my fwb relationship, all he gave me was excuses as to why he couldn't commit. "I'm not financially able to support you like you need"(and to think I was on my own & had never even asked him for a dime), I'm not ready to commit". Those were my red flags right there. But here he is 3 yrs later& he has taken another woman put her under HIS ROOF and is supporting her and committing to her. Sounds to me like he has a lot riding on his LDR and even though she's not committing to him he's still in contact with her.

 

Like I said I can't tell you what to do but just be careful. I would hate to see you continuing to have sex and sacrificing your happiness with someone who can't give you the happiness you deserve. Even more so, I would hate to see you strung along like I was until he solidifies what he wants with the LD gf. They might be nice and you enjoy the sex and all of that stuff, but when they walk away with another woman or you have to make a decision to walk away from them, all of the great sex, cuddling, smiles, and all of that stuff will equal to absolutely nothing but heartbreak.

 

Even though all of that stuff feels good, it'll only leave you wanting more if he doesn't want more with you. And how unfair is that? I wish you all of the best. Please read my post "FWB Sucks/5Foolish Years" and look at the comments as well. Maybe reading about my situation will help give you insight with yours. Best wishes Mocha&remember you deserve happiness

[lovejoy41]

Oh sorry I didn't see all of the comments after your first post. Seems like you may be seeing it for what it really is. I'm doing ok, taking it one day at a time. I post updates from time to time regarding my progress under the "Coping" thread. I know that one day that he will be fog in my brain. I can't wait until that day. How are you holding up? I know that you're coming out of a divorce as well and this dude adding to that has got to be tough. U ok? I'm a divorcee too so trust I know how it is.

[Forever Learning]

I have been told that he has said that I have "changed his life" in the way that I am "someone that he is afraid of"

What does that mean when a man says that?!

Fearful of hurting me, or fearful of committment?

 

This is called "Word Salad", or sometimes "Narc Speak". It doesn't mean anything, really. It's just jibber jabber guys say, to keep women intrigued and hooked, trying to figure them out, over months or even years. It's just a road to no where, really.

 

You will want to check out this website. It talks about 'narc speak' and 'word salad' - things guys say that are confusing and don't make sense.

 

NARCISSISM SPEAK - NARCSPEAK | Lisa E. Scott

 

This lady, Lisa E. Scott, has written several books to help women break away from these type players. Her website is very informative, and really cool as well. All the best!

[Forever Learning]

I agree with dixiepix. I was in something like this for 5 years!! Im a divorcee and he was too. Im 41 he's going to be 38 next month. The difference with your situation is that your guy told you about the other woman from the beginning and then he disrespected you by talking to her in front of you. Search by my name and read my post under breaks and breakup forum and you'll get the full story. The guy I was dealing with was telling me that he wasnt ready for a comittment for yrs. He was sweet, loving, gave talks to my two sons, sex was very passionate and all of that. He was never cold, we would always cuddle and spoon after sex. He didnt spend much time with me though. We started out dating every other week but since this girl it went to every 3 weeks, then once a month and he never texts until it's time again. Whenever I brought up "where is this going"? he would say " I don't like to answer questions like that"?

 

For yrs he kept telling me he wasnt ready to be serious with anyone, then BAM!, 2011 I find out another woman he was "friends" with is living with him and in June he's taken her to meet the parents. Ive only met 2 friends and a cousin. All of this I found out about on FB via her public posts. When asked about it he went ham. Said that "he didnt care about us bitches", that "she knew that he had other women", and that" she would say "1 down and 4 to go" if ever confronted by any of them". He said that it wasnt "any of my business as to why she lived with him". I told him that he'd never taken me to his parents and his response " and you're not going to either, not with that attitude". The nerve of him after 5 yrs& I had been nothing but good to him! That hurt me so bad. He'd turned into this arrogant, disrepectful, son of a bi***! And he's basically rubbing her in my face. I didnt know that he was dating her until seeing her on his myspace pge about 6mos after I met him & she had pics of her and him on her pge. He never had told me about her. He never talked to her in front of me, yet there were times when we were out that he would run back and forth to the bthrm, and at times he would text in front of me on dates until I expressed how I felt disrespected so he stopped. Other than that, I never witnessed her presence in my face. So I knew he was dating her, but he never told me that he'd taken it there as far as her moving in and meeting the parents. After I heard that I knew that he'd used me. So I ended our friendship. He had known that I had feelings for him and like you he brought up future marriage, kids, and said that he would never string me along knowing how I felt about him. I give your guy it for being honest about the other woman from the jump, unlike my dude.

 

However, you need to move on. Don't end up like I did wasting yrs with someone who's not serious about you and you end up witnessing him committ to someone else. I havent dated my friend since 7/3, havent had any contact with him since 7/26 when I texted him some silly text about a drink at the bar in a desperate attempt for some attention. He texted me "what's up"? on fri 8/3 but I didnt reply. Im heartbroke and feel used.

 

Why is he textn me when he has a woman at home? Perhaps for another fling? smh Maybe he'll get the hint since I didnt respond. Guys like these we're dealing with just want their cake and want to eat it too. You deserve better. Cut him off and do NC(no-contact)

 

You commented on my post as well and I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart! For those of us who have never experienced a man like this, your post helps. You're not telling people what to do, not to hurt, and to just move on. You offer information as to how these type of men operate and you're right! All that you've mentioned is exactly what my friend did! Just like your 1st experience you didn't know that he was playing you and neither did myself or mochallete. But with the things you've said and what I've experienced, I know now what to look for. You're right, red flags are key! I had signs but was trying to think positively and was trying to be sure that I wasn't running away because of my fear to love but now I truly know. Thank you for all that you have brought to mochallette's thread! My apologies mochallette if I said too much about me but we have or are experiencing the same thing. Be tough, we all deserve better than these losers!

 

@ Magic Oh wow, that's terrible. 9 years of knowing you and he did that?! Yeah, I've learned with this one. It's funny cause I see red flags with other guys and know how to dismiss them quickly, but like you with this guy I didn't want to believe that him being a good guy wasn't really true. I mean really this dude had me. Bonding with my sons, having talks with them really??? They were 15 and 12 at the time(now 20&17) but who does that? Why get the kids involved if you knew you weren't serious or were gonna be? Like you said though " they do whatever they have to to keep you happy enough to service them". smh I mean it's like I let the devil into my home with that one!

 

I know it doesn't matter, but even now I'm thinking this poor fool of a woman he's with may not have a clue that her "man" is living a double life. He's "The Player" who doesn't care about the "bitches" he's screwing, but then "The Perfect Committed Boyfriend" to her. IF he's even serious about her, does he really think that they'll have a good relationship& that she's gonna be good to him after what he's done to me & god only knows how many other women? It sucks that men like this get away with it...@least temporarily anyway. I feel for her when she finds out about all of the mess he's doing. She's going to feel worse than I am if she loves this fool. Then again, maybe she's one of these women that don't care esp if she's got other things going on the side herself. Might just be her ticket out of his house someday. Who knows! Now that I think about it, I would rather be the one who can freely walk away knowing than to be her, the one he's chosen to live with him, meeting his parents& crap not knowing that he's screwing other women behind my back. I wouldn't want to be in her position right now because obviously he doesn't really love her either, NOT with all the crap that he's doing. Anyway...Yes Mochallette come back on & tell us. Why is this dude not getting his other woman to help him? Have you dismissed him? I know how you feel trust me. Jerks!

 

Good stuff Love Joy! I recently got out of a 16 year marriage to a pathological liar who gaslighted me (lied to me with the intention of making me nuts and doubt myself, lower my self esteem so he would feel more powerful, etc etc).

 

Now my ex is online dating many women, and lying to them all, all while he also has a long time girlfriend who lives in another state, who spends alot of money on him, taking him on expensive trips and such. None of the women know about the others. He brags about it all to me (now that we are divorced and he's moved out). He'll never change. I feel terrible for the women, but I can't be involved in his affairs, and it would be so much trouble for me if I were to get into his business, so I never will. Plus we have kids together, so I must only focus on the kids, and not his romantic shenanigans.

 

Point is, these men never change. The sooner women hurt by these men learn this, the better. All the best to you!

[lovejoy41]

Thank you ForeverLearning! And good for you for divorcing him. You did the right thing. You have to think about the children. After all we are their role models. I've always said that they are "walking, talking, tape recorders" watching all and mimicking what their parents do. So that's good you're focused on your babies. These men seem to forget that one day they'll get old and all of their "player cards" will be completely run out. I have 2 sons also, thankfully they weren't by the dude I dismissed! HA! But they are very respectful to me and mannerable. I'm proud and have heard by many people that I did a great job raising them. Trust, my sons will be good husbands. Especially after all they've seen their mom endure and see that I'm still standing.

 

Yep, these men are something else. The sad part about it all is the fact that the women think they've got a catch but have no idea what they're in for. See me and you were smart enough to jump ship before it sank. My guy was very messy and all over the place sooooo, like I said in my other posts I can't do nothing but pray for his gf. That dude is far from a good catch and a committed bf, he is a disaster and it won't be nothing but tragedy for her or maybe him when one or the other breaks each others heart. But once again.... that is NO LONGER my problem. Thanks for the compliment. I always speak from experience and from the heart. Take care

[Mochalatte]

I am putting it all out on the line with him tonite. If he "chooses" to see me seeing he has had his fix with her.

He spent the day yesterday with her and her kids...and had a "great wonderful afternoon and evening" with them via social website post. He spent the night there as well. I know this bc I went by his place early this morning and he wasn't there. And he used their mobile to post. He doesn't have mobile access.And he doesn't know that I know who she is...by name.

 

I'm ready to break free. Please help me. I don't where to begin. And I don't know if I have the strength. To walk away I grieve like someone has died. But to stay, I know I will lose. Just like I have in marriage. And my heart is so tired. And I'm lonely. I always tell him that I wish we could go back to day one...and start from the beginning again. He tells me that I am better than I think I am...

[Forever Learning]

Thank you ForeverLearning! And good for you for divorcing him. You did the right thing. You have to think about the children. After all we are their role models. I've always said that they are "walking, talking, tape recorders" watching all and mimicking what their parents do. So that's good you're focused on your babies. These men seem to forget that one day they'll get old and all of their "player cards" will be completely run out. I have 2 sons also, thankfully they weren't by the dude I dismissed! HA! But they are very respectful to me and mannerable. I'm proud and have heard by many people that I did a great job raising them. Trust, my sons will be good husbands. Especially after all they've seen their mom endure and see that I'm still standing.

 

Yep, these men are something else. The sad part about it all is the fact that the women think they've got a catch but have no idea what they're in for. See me and you were smart enough to jump ship before it sank. My guy was very messy and all over the place sooooo, like I said in my other posts I can't do nothing but pray for his gf. That dude is far from a good catch and a committed bf, he is a disaster and it won't be nothing but tragedy for her or maybe him when one or the other breaks each others heart. But once again.... that is NO LONGER my problem. Thanks for the compliment. I always speak from experience and from the heart. Take care

 

Super stuff Love Joy! Thank you for sharing with me. I had not read your other threads, I am headed off to the museum to see dinosaurs right now, but I am very interested and will read more when I get a chance in the next few days. Thanks for the very uplifting and motivation insights! All the best to you, lady!!

[Forever Learning]

I am putting it all out on the line with him tonite. If he "chooses" to see me seeing he has had his fix with her.

He spent the day yesterday with her and her kids...and had a "great wonderful afternoon and evening" with them via social website post. He spent the night there as well. I know this bc I went by his place early this morning and he wasn't there. And he used their mobile to post. He doesn't have mobile access.And he doesn't know that I know who she is...by name.

 

I'm ready to break free. Please help me. I don't where to begin. And I don't know if I have the strength. To walk away I grieve like someone has died. But to stay, I know I will lose. Just like I have in marriage. And my heart is so tired. And I'm lonely. I always tell him that I wish we could go back to day one...and start from the beginning again. He tells me that I am better than I think I am...

 

Mochalatte, this is what I tell everyone who comes here in pain. It takes time to feel better. Read all you can around here, you will find you are not alone in your experiences. Read in all the different sections, especiall Break Ups and Coping, and the abuse section, and the cheating/infidelity section.

 

There are "Guides To No Contact" in some people's thread signature. There might even be pinned at the top of certain sections, I don't know, you will have to look around. They advocate "No Contact" for a reason - it is a tried and true method for healing. It HURTS!! But, it gets BETTER over time.

 

You may want to also consider an anti-depressant, I take a low dose of Celexa, and it has done wonders for me in lifting a low grade depression and feeling of sadness. Hang in there!!!!

[lovejoy41]

@Mochallette,

 

I understand your pain trust me. Words can't describe how I felt the day I confronted him about his live in gf. The things that came out of his mouth to me were god awful and here I am pleading and crying for him to just tell me the truth. When he texted me on 8/3, it's those words that he had said to me that I quickly remembered.

 

I wasn't remembering how we had cuddled, all of the wonderful dates we had, etc... all I remembered was what he had said and how he treated me that day. It was the moment that I saw that text that I had to make a decision. In other words, that text from him was my crossroad. Either I could respond and continue to drag this meaningless relationship out longer knowing that nothing more would come out of it, or I could get that one night of being with him & watch him get up the next morning CONSCIOUSLY KNOWING that he's going home to another woman and left feeling empty all over again, OR I could think about my happiness, respect myself, and love myself enough to ignore his little ego boost, booty call, breadcrumbs or whatever you want to call it by going NC(no-contact) and move on.

 

Well, Mochallette like you I was tired and when you're REALLY tired you have to cut your losses so that you don't continue to be tired. I met this man only 1 month after my divorce was final. Although me and my ex had been apart for 3 mos I was feeling good about myself and thought I was ready for this new "friend" that I had in him but obviously I wasn't. Otherwise I would have saw it for what it was in the beginning and walked then. I can't lie to you by saying that it will be easy, because it won't and it will hurt BUT you have got to start putting YOU first.

 

I think that this incident with your guy staying over with this other woman and kids is your crossroad. It's time to make a choice. HIS happiness or YOUR happiness? Look at it, he's happy as a lark with that other woman and her kids and you are hurt. This is what you have to consider when making the decision to walk away. I still hurt here and there. I haven't seen him in 1 1/2 mos and he hasn't texted me since 8/3. Whether he's gotten the message that I'm done with him? I don't know nor do I care.

 

He's got what he wants so I'm going to get mine now and NC is going to help me get it. Think about yourself and your children. You didn't come through a divorce just to go into another relationship with a man who doesn't treat you right. I read a great article this morning about NC and emotionally unavailable men. It really shed light on situations like mine and yours. You should read them. Here are the links that you can copy and paste:

The No Contact Rule | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

Signs that a guy wants you just for sex | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

How To Spot Emotionally Unavailable Men - Mr Unavailable's | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

 

 

Breaking Up and Moving On By Cutting Contact. Part 1 | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

Breaking Up and Moving On By Cutting Contact. Part 2 | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

These are very good articles and make sure you watch the video of her on the NC article. She describes these men to the T.

 

I hope that this will help you. You just remember when you walk away you are doing it because you deserve better. There is nothing wrong with being alone. I would rather be alone with my dignity, love for myself, self respect, and my sanity than to stay with a man who will continue to tear down my self-esteem, disrespect me, and steal my peace of mind. As long as we allow these men to keep treating us this way they will. They will never respect us and they will find a woman or women who won't put up with it and respect them instead.

 

Hang in there and remember you're are not the only woman that's going through this type of situation. Stay strong and do what you need. I didn't give my friend any indication that I was walking. I just walked. Why? I wasn't strong enough to tell him that I was ending it. And in the past on several occasions I've told him that I was walking and would always end up breaking & going back to him; so much to where he begin to not take me seriously. So, this time I did myself a favor by showing him through my actions and I'm sticking with that. After all why should I give him that courtesy and be honest to him when he never once thought about being honest to me about his new relationship? But everyone's situation is different. You handle it the way you need to. Just be sure that you do handle it though or this cycle will never end and you will regret that you didn't end it sooner like I did.

 

I won't answer even IF he does try to contact me again. I'm tired and I'm done wasting my time with this man. The relationship stalled out with dinner, drinks, and sex & wasn't going to go any further. 5 years is plenty of time for my guy to have gotten it together and I feel like if a single man is not ready to commit, he's not going to be putting in a whole lot of time with just ONE woman. smh Ugh! I hate these men that do this to good women! Just remember these things and you will be able to walk away. Whew! That was a mouthful but it needed to be said. If I'm able to help someone in a situation like mine I will. I'm here if you need me

Edited August 17, 2012 by lovejoy41

[pteromom]

If you look back at what you wrote, it's all about HIM. Everything he did and said is about HIM.

 

But when we are together, which is once every two weeks I suppose

In other words, when he wants sex with you.

 

But yet, after we spend the day together...he gets cold and rarely texts me until he wants to see me again.

Because it isn't about giving you reassurance or making you feel good. He got what he wanted and he's done with you for now.

 

The time we spend together is good. Loving. Sex is passionate.

Of course. Because all of that feels good to HIM too. It's not about what he feels for you. It's about making himself feel good.

 

He talks about the future and things we will do together...etc.

Again, it feels good to talk about it. But where's the ACTION? The action doesn't match the words.

 

he couldn't give me that right now due to obligations. And he didn't know how not to be single.

Well, at least he's honest about it.

 

And I then made it clear if we were to continue to have sex then my feelings would develop more. So, we continued to see each other.

So? Why does he care if your feelings develop more if it means he can go on having sex with you?

 

He said he enjoyed sex with me and knowing what goes in my world. That was it.

Again, at least he's being honest.

 

I am a good person. That has been in a horrible marriage. I am excellent mom.

I'm sure you are. This guy wants sex with you and doesn't care about what kind of person or mom you are though.

 

He has a special needs child that I have grown so fond of hearing about and looked forward to meeting.

That's not likely to happen. There is nothing for him in letting you meet his child (unless it's a tactic to keep you sleeping with him.)

 

He has asked me to help remodel/paint his home. Decorate it.

Sure. May as well get something else out of you while sleeping with you.

 

I don't understand. He has broken my heart and made me feel so used.

 

You WERE used. He said and did what he needed to do in order to keep sleeping with you. It doesn't mean you are a bad person. And it doesn't even mean he doesn't have a heart. It just means that his focus is on him and his needs, and he looks at the world through his perspective.

 

He sees it like this: You knew up front he didn't want anything serious. You knew up front he was seeing someone else. You enjoyed the sex too. So he assumed you were getting as much out of this as he was. When you told him you were going to develop feelings, he was not kind enough to let you go at that point.

 

But this guy is never going to give you what you want, even if you care about him deeply.