heartless FWB

[lovejoy41]

Actually I just found that if you click on the links it will take you straight to the article. So you don't have to copy and paste them. Anyone on LS is free to look at them as well.

 

I know you may not want to but please read them. It helped me out a lot in understanding how these men work and how women like us are accepting of this type of behavior.

 

Also, try doing things you like to keep your mind off of it when you do go NC. I haven't worked out in almost a month and I'm finally getting to the place to where I'm ok with getting back out there. I went to the gym wed and I'm about to go again in a few minutes. My story about that struggle is under the "Coping" forum entitled "Workout Meltdown". I posted it wed. Good Luck and remember we can do this!

Edited August 17, 2012 by lovejoy41

[NoMagicBullet]

This guy is not a callous man. Not perfect. Not one girls flock to either, but he flirts. He isn't really player material. His reasoning for not committing is that I am newly divorced, he has other obligations and can't give me the time I deserve nor be the lover he should be...at least not for now he says. He has issues with exwife and he has a child with special needs. He is also furthering his degree and works a job with odd hours.

 

These are all excuses. If he was really interested in you and only you, he'd be willing to work these out, not give you reasons why things won't work. Also, just because he doesn't have a lot of women flocking to him doesn't mean he's not a player where you're concerned, because he's got you where he wants you in this game. Number of women does not make a player, playing games like these is what makes a player.

 

Besides, he has you and this other woman already! If he didn't have the other obligations, who knows -- there might be more women, if he thought he could manage it.

 

 

We ended up having a fallout bc we are not one the same page with feelings. I suggested we just be strictly friends and start over. He agreed. A week went by. I texted him something urgent and no response. I got pissed of course. We had a another fallout via txt. I flat out told him he only wanted me for sex. Nothing more. That I didn't appreciate the nonresponsive texts when I rarely txt or call him. He responded by telling me to think whatever I may, that I didn't know him at all. That he did care about me. I said prove it then...and left it at that. He txt later that night and said there is no guarantee that he can be there at the drop of a hat for me. If I wanted to do something, he was open to do doing so if available. I hated the boundary in his remark. So I went away hurt.

 

You say he's not callous, yet he's unresponsive in his communication, and doesn't care how you feel about it. He's made it clear he's ony going to deal with you when he wants to, that he's not going to be there when you need him, and that you'll just have to accept that you get to be with him when he chooses it.

 

And the "you don't know me at all" -- oh, I've heard that before! In different ways, but it's the same old thing. He basically accuses you of not understanding him as a way of deflecting ownership of his own selfish, hurtful behaviour. Another mind game.

 

 

Two weeks later, he had a medical issue so we got back in touch loosely via text. Then a week later, we went to dinner AS FRIENDS. I felt ok with it. We had the best time! ... Well, you know what happened...afterwards we intimately talked for hours. Then it's goodbye and back to arms length!

 

Of course. He's only in it for a good time. YOU don't matter, only HIS good time matters.

 

 

The other long distance best girlfriend is still in the picture but he doesn't see her often if at all really. But they keep in touch by phone a good bit.

 

Do you really want to be with this man who is keeping you and another woman hanging on? (That we know of -- maybe there are more.) I bet he loves all this attention! I wonder what he says about both of you to his male friends... "These women have got it so bad for me! I get laid when I want, and I don't have to commit to either (or any) of them! This is great!" Then high-fives all around.

 

 

Trying to be friends...Never works. We end up having sex. Then he keeps me at arms length until we meet again. Lately now more than ever. But does respond more rapidly now. I'm getting tired of feeling hurt. I just busy myself to keep my heart and mind occupied. And try not to think to care...for him or wonder if he thinks of me. I know I can't change him. Even though he says he wants to. Where is his stupid brain?? I have been there for the worst disappointment in his life, and when he has needed a friend to pick up the pieces and hold him. Only to be distanced. She was not. But this "best girlfriend" should have been the one to do so. She is so different than him in all aspects...and me. She is more "backwoods country." He doesn't get it!

 

 

So what about this other woman? Doesn't matter how alike or not she is to him or you -- she's merely another option, just like you are. Options for sex, maybe some companionship, when it's convenient for him. He's not committing to either one of you. That's why after he gets what he wants you don't hear from him. That's why even though you've been there for him, he won't be there for you. Where is his brain? In his pants.

 

 

 

Well, Mochallette like you I was tired and when you're REALLY tired you have to cut your losses so that you don't continue to be tired. ... I can't lie to you by saying that it will be easy, because it won't and it will hurt BUT you have got to start putting YOU first.

 

I think that this incident with your guy staying over with this other woman and kids is your crossroad. It's time to make a choice. HIS happiness or YOUR happiness? Look at it, he's happy as a lark with that other woman and her kids and you are hurt. This is what you have to consider when making the decision to walk away. ...

 

This is why you need to end this. This is what you need to keep in mind when you break things off with him. Because good times are just that -- good times. While they are a part of a healthy relationship, in and of themselves they don't make a relationship. You've made plenty of effort at creating a real relationship with him, and he doesn't want that. He wants his good times with whoever is available to fit into his schedule.

 

What do you want? If you want to stop feeling tired of feeling hurt, then end it and walk away. It will take time, but you'll start feeling better. Remember, it will keep sapping more of your strength over the long term to continue this than it will take the strength to end it now. Good luck to you tonight, Mochalatte.

[Mochalatte]

Alot has happened but first,

Pteromom thank you for taking time to breakdown and analyze my thoughts. It was incredible how I was writing all on his behalf! How does it get that way in your mind to think about his wants and not your own? Weird...

lovejoy and no magic bullet- you are a blessing. I am printing out all three of your posts to just have handy to remind me of what a loser he really is...

 

He is a loser. I have discovered through a good friend we share, one that has known him for 19yrs, that he is in a COMMITED relationship with the other women. Kari ran into to him two weeks ago, the day before he and i had sex, and spoke to him. He told her that he had been dating "sally" since FEBRUARY! He and I began really talking heavily at the end of January...he being flirtatious. By April, we had sex. In June, he told me about this close girlfriend of his "wanting to go beyond friendship" and did not want to have misled me. But did not want a commitment from anyone. Well, I didn't know what beyond friendship really meant coming from a man that didn't want a commitment PERIOD.

 

I played a game via text with him to set him up. To meet with him. And he would of. I asked him if he were happy? He said yes, happier than he has been in a long time. So, the I called his bluff on where he was. Got him to admit he was cheating on her. He tried to say that I knew...because of the beyond friendship remark...but he really sent mixed signals on that. AND he was already committed to her since Feb without me knowing!!! I stopped texting and called him...this is his response:

 

I have decided to change. What I do with you has to stop. Three events have occurred (magic number three huh?) the past few days has shown me that I am ready to settle down with her and be the man I should be. I am getting older and playing around just isn't good for me to do anymore.

 

Wha???? I told him you JUST had sex with me 10 days ago!! I told him if he had truly changed then he would tell her the truth. That is what a changed man does. He is honest and allows her to make the decision of whether to stay. He said he would (yeah right). I asked him how he could do this to me and her AND WHY. He said it was an opportunity that most any man would have taken he guessed. WOW. He even suggested us still being friends...OMG. I unfriended off fb. And deleted his number. Told him he would never change. NOT to hurt her anymore.

 

He never apologized to me. Never said he loved her.

 

I honestly think when I blew his cover, and said her name...he knew that I knew and he cut loose. And the whole change crap was to make him such a good honest man that only wants to do the right thing (awww. grrrrr).

 

Our mutually good friend said, she didn't trust him 19yrs ago and still wouldn't, he cheated on his exwife, got into internet porn too, slept with a student and lost his teaching license...

 

Okay. so now my biggest dilemma guys. Do I tell her?

 

Yes I have cried my eyes out. And my heart hurts. And yes for some weird reason I miss him and feel as though someone died. And Im angry at the same time. I can't eat. I don't care if I bathe. BUT. Do I tell her??? She thinks he is a pillar to society. Has no clue. They aren't married but god help if they do. Do you think he is really going to change?? Or was it a line? Did he really begin distancing himself from me bc he was trying to change? And that the I am happier now remark meant he really was with her now. The last time we had sex he kept telling me he didn't need to have sex with me but wanted to. I assumed it was bc of my attatchment to him. Maybe it was her.

I do have proof in all his fb messages that he has been unfaithful to her. And I can tell her the nights she texts, the times, what was said, etc. I have proof! Should I???

Edited August 18, 2012 by Mochalatte

[lovejoy41]

OMG Mocha, I am so sorry this happened. This is exactly what happened to me. The more that I read up on these articles about emotionally unavailable men, the more I'm finding out that most of them are already in a relationship.

You see this is why I'm glad you got out of it now. I know that it hurts all the same but just think if you'd continued on with this for another year or two. Missing him is natural, but it will pass as time passes.That 's a bunch of BS about him wanting to change because if he wanted to change he wouldn't have never been messing with you to begin with. The nerve of him calling you an "opportunity". Ugh! It's ok though cause he'll get it back. It's always the "main chick/girlfriend" that they call themselves wanting to do right by or change for & those are the women who end up breaking their hearts.

 

Just like me you had to find out about his secret relationship by other means. What I read though was that even though these men are in relationships, they are not truly committed because they are emotionally unavailable. If she doesn't hurt him first, he'll find another fool to cheat with. Now I understand why my guy "wasn't ready to commit", because he was already was committed to someone else! Or so she thinks! Hang in there girl, don't let this fool pull you down. I read that these type of men prey on women who are recently divorced& who have low self esteem as well. It makes us easy prey for them.

 

As for contacting her, no don't bother with it. Why??? Take it from me, you'll tell her what he's done and he will patch it up. Contacting her won't do you any good. He may tell her some crap like "she's crazy","she ain't nothing but a whore", or "she's obsessed with me". One way or the other, he'll tell her something that'll be ok with her. Even telling her won't break them up. You just sit back, thank god the loser is out of your life and watch what God does to him AND he won't be able to patch it up when he does! I know that you want to tell her but I guarantee you he will convince her not to believe you. And besides, doing that although it feels like the right thing to do will make you look childish as I now regret. He is her problem now. Let her find out on her own what type of loser she's involved with. Trust me, I inboxed that girl like 3 times about my guy and to my knowledge she's still living with him and that didn't even stop the fool from coming back around me when I was foolishly taking him back. At the least it might've caused an argument which is probably why he was flocking back to me then. Most of the time these women know what these men are doing, but they're usually getting something out of it like($$$$) which is why they accept it. So, let her find out the way you did that he's a dog.

 

Here is the message I sent her awhile back on facebook:

 

"Some people never learn. Even with flaws he is a dog. If you choose to settle with him, another house, a baby, you are nuts. This man fu** with who he wants when he wants and is probably telling you that he is over his kids house when he is at another woman's house in snellville spending the night. Even if it is not often that he with her, he still is with her. Good luck with the piped dream of marrying and settling down with a man who isn't honest about s*** that he do. There is nothing christian about shacking up and playing house even if you are the main chick your man is being shared. A million pics and posts about "your baby" wont change him either. I guess to some ppl, having some kind of man is better than having NO man. If he can string another woman along for years saying he aint with you the whole time, why would you want him?Money, weekly dates and events, makeup and weekly hairdos aint gone help him keep his d*** in his pants. God is good as far as removing GOOD WOMEN out of the lives of NO GOOD A** MEN like "YOUR MAN". Cheers to your future together with this liar. smh I'll pray for ya."

 

Later that day,I had to go on my knees and repent for sending that message to her. This message was the 3rd and last one that I sent to her before confronting him and going NC. I'd had enough at this point & begin to realize that "Yes, he's lying to me and is in a committed relationship with this woman". Like I said, it's pointless and a waste of your time. Let go and let god handle that with him. It hurts now but it will get better with time. Just remember now that you know the truth, go NC and stay NC with him. Regardless of what he saying now, trust he's gonna test you again when he's on the outs with her. Don't be his fallback girl. Sounds like that's what he did from the beginning. He was pursuing her and used you until he could nail her. That woman was probably already in a relationship with someone else which would explain why she was telling him that she didn't want a committed relationship. You see how this game is played? Ugh!!! It's his loss though. You're not losing anything but a loser. Let her have all of that mess. Sounds like from what you're saying about his past that he's messy anyway like my ex. He cheated on his ex wife too. smh Pick yourself up and keep moving. These men are nothing more than lessons learned and preparation for what we really deserve. Be strong Mocha.

Edited August 18, 2012 by lovejoy41

[Kevingarry]

Male advice for FWB please?

[HeavenOrHell]

I get confused when people say they're upset with their FWB as they're not giving them much or not being very loving etc, but FWB's usually means it's just a sex thing, no strings attached, no expectations.

[hestheone66]

I have read the posts just now. I too have been involved with a man for a long time who never was honest about his committed relationship. too long to go on here. But the one thing that does strike me to mention (and I'm sure you've probably taken precautions) but .. if you've had unprotected sex with men who you now know are players, please do yourself a favour and have a sexual health screening.

Ironically, the man i was in love with, put my health in jeopardy.. a man I started having a casual FWB relationship was actually the one who cared enough to get tested.. and then had to endure the embarassment of phoning me to tell me that I too should get tested (we had both been mutually careless) .. he and I are now in a very caring, committed relationship..