Am I stupid, crazy? what is important here?

[Confused girl]

I have been married for 3 and a half years to a man who is kind, caring, smart, good looking, and never done anything to hurt me, and tells me constantly he loves me. I know he'll be there until we're old and grey and will still be the same loving person.

 

The problem is that deep down it never felt right to me, from the beginning I knew this. Despite knowing how I felt deep down, I told myself it would be OK, things would work out. We are best friends, I love him very much, but I don't really need him. I can live happily without him. In fact, I treasure the long periods he is away when I can be free to do what I want to do, and have fun. We have been together for 8 years. I am 27 now.

 

Fun is one element that is missing from our relationship. He's not a fun person, he's quite pessimistic most of the time, and I have to make the fun. I have to really push to get us to go anywhere or do anything. It's a ocnstant battle, everything is a constant battle to get him to understand me. Another thing is sex. He is very dedicated to my pleasure, but it just doesn't work and I don't feel like I'm making love. Something's always missing. Stupidly again I though it would get better. But now I don't think it will. I would like to know what others think of this. I really want to feel what it is like to make love to someone you are in love with.

 

I just feel like I could go on like this forever, but I know I'm missing out on something, and I don't want to regret it when I'm old and think, well maybe I should have done something about it when I was still young. I feel like I have say 100% potential, but am only experiencing 60-70% of what I could.

 

What's worse is that I have become good friends with someone who makes me laugh and smile and if I weren't married, would certainly want a relationship. We have lots of common interests, not least of which is going out and having fun, speaking each others' language. Luckily, we live in different countries and it is impossible to have a physical relationship. But it started 2 years ago though work where we were contacts for each other in our countries, and we have become good friends since then through the internet and phone. We both work in different jobs now, but have stayed in contact. I have just come back from Japan on a hoiliday (where I used to live and where he lives) to Australia, and he took me out a few times and we had a great time. We talked all night for hours and hours each time, but we didn't do anything sexual, as much as I wanted to. I understood from the circumstances that he is interested in me, but held back. The thing is, I really regret not doing anything with him as I feel something so strong inside. I also regret myself not going and working again in Japan as it is something I wanted to do but have not done due to my marriage. I have alot of friends there and this time I could quite happily have stayed there.

 

I have the house, the marriage, the good job now, and in day to day life it is OK, I can live with it. We get along well, and he really is a wonderful person. But it's not what I really wanted. But the problem is that it is so hard to justify not wanting to be with someone because of it "not being right", an intagible feeling that him and anyone else won't understand if I try to explain. The only way I know it isn't right is when I meet someone and it feels right, and then I know this is how it should feel. As for my friend in Japan, well I don't have ideals about going there to be with him etc, if I was to leave my husband, but in an ideal world, I would love to have had the opportunity to explore it further with him. He is even talking of comoing to visit here in the near future and I would dearly love to have the chance to have fun together again. If I was to be on my own, I don't have any intentions of getting involved with anyone, I just want to have fun for a while and see where life takes me.

 

I would really appreciate it if anyone could please give some insight into what is the important thing here and what I should be aiming to do.

 

Thanks and love to you all.

[Tony T]

What you are feeling is not uncommon. You met him when you were 19 and you have grown a lot, changed a lot during that time. At 19, you felt it wasn't quite right and now, at 27, you feel even more so.

 

There are many married people who live lives of what is called quiet desperation. Actually, I don't think you fall completely into that category. There are a lot of pluses to your relationship...it just doesn't feel good.

 

I don't think this is something that can be changed or mitigated in counselling. I don't think you can make feelings happen by talking or even willing them. But I also think that many people who marry eventually feel the union does not contain the same passion and energy it once had. Unfortunately, there was some necessary chemistry that you never acquired or experienced at all.

 

You are young. Your husband is young. It is entirely possible that the two of you can part as marrieds and be friends. The risk is that you may never fill that void that seems to exist deep down inside.

 

On the other hand, the fact that you can live happily without him and feel good about doing things alone tells me you have some very healthy traits. You should be able to live happily without anybody. Rational thinking provides that it is very nice and a plus to have someone special in one's life, but it is not a necessary component of happiness. In other words, we should seek a companion out of desire, not out of need.

 

This is at once the most difficult decision you will ever make...and the easiest.

 

You are entitled to feel more than you do in your marriage. If you really think you have the capacity for more passion and excitement, I think perhaps you should go for it being fully aware that at some point in the future it may diminish to a level close to what you experience now now matter who you are with. Then again, it may not.

 

Forgive yourself for marrying someone you were not excited about, for doing it under less than favorable conditions. You need not worry about your man...there are millions of women looking for someone exactly like him and he will not be for want of companionship.

 

While you are young, seek out the feelings you consider necessary in a relationship. Find someone who will participate in the fun things you wish to share. I don't think it's fair to your husband for you to remain with him, not really wanting to, not really feeling what you should feel for him.

 

Just remember, life has trade offs. Nothing is free. You will pay the necessary price for having those special feelings that you seek and you will not know the full price until you are with the person a good while.

 

Isn't love just wonderful?

[Weapon Tex]

Can his ass, hook up with the Japanese buddy. It follows the Second Law of Thermodynamics. And you are only 27, hell you are not even a cougar yet. If your husband is no fun, he ain't worth it, cuz thats what relationships are about...and yahztee in the nude.

 

Carp Diem - seize the fish.

[Deejette]

You are not going to feel more passion for your husband as the years go on. It is much better to be honest and search for what you really want in life. A stable, unexciting relationship is not what you want. Since no children are involved, I think it is best to get out now and not keep pretending. Once children come along, then things become more complicated and you will feel guilty and selfish for leaving.

Can his ass, hook up with the Japanese buddy. It follows the Second Law of Thermodynamics. And you are only 27, hell you are not even a cougar yet. If your husband is no fun, he ain't worth it, cuz thats what relationships are about...and yahztee in the nude. Carp Diem - seize the fish.

[Confused Girl]

To you all, Tony, thank you for articulating and confirming what I have been thinking for so long. You put it in such a way that is thoughtful and balanced and well I know I have to decided for myself in the end...Thank you Tex and I will seize the fish...there are lots of carp in Japan too...and Deejette you are right too... I will let you know how it goes...timing is everything. He is very busy at work now, extremely so with an important court case on, which may finish around Christmas, can you tell me when I should approach this with him and what angle to take. He is not going to be happy at all...he is always telling me how I have his heart and to take good care of it. I know he will not want to be friends either, which is hurtful, so I am not even going to try this with him. If in the end we can be, that will be very fortunate. For now, I would appreciate any recommendations....thanks again xxx

You are not going to feel more passion for your husband as the years go on. It is much better to be honest and search for what you really want in life. A stable, unexciting relationship is not what you want. Since no children are involved, I think it is best to get out now and not keep pretending. Once children come along, then things become more complicated and you will feel guilty and selfish for leaving.

[Weapon Tex]

Either get him really drunk and tell him when he blacks out or wait till a cool period in his life. Just remember that for this kind of situation there is no good period to do it. You can use the old standby "Welcome to Dumpsville, Population You" or just suck it up and sit him down.

 

My mom did it the wrong way when she left my dad. She moved out when he was gone on a trip... she chickened out of the honorable thing to do. Us kids gave her hell for it and it hit my dad hard. Here's insight too, my parents (after 25 years of marriage) started to suck when they were together. They are way happier now that they are split up and things are way cooler so there is a silver lining to it. Can his ass before it gets worse.

 

Remember: To thine own self be true.

 

Carpet Diem - seize the shag rug.

[Confused Girl]

Thanks thanks thanks again. You're right. I think a cool period is always the best. I think I have to wait months for that. At least until next January when this big case is over. Probably a good time to do it. I certainly want to do the right thing by him as he deserves only the best. ciao. xx

Either get him really drunk and tell him when he blacks out or wait till a cool period in his life. Just remember that for this kind of situation there is no good period to do it. You can use the old standby "Welcome to Dumpsville, Population You" or just suck it up and sit him down. My mom did it the wrong way when she left my dad. She moved out when he was gone on a trip... she chickened out of the honorable thing to do. Us kids gave her hell for it and it hit my dad hard. Here's insight too, my parents (after 25 years of marriage) started to suck when they were together. They are way happier now that they are split up and things are way cooler so there is a silver lining to it. Can his ass before it gets worse. Remember: To thine own self be true. Carpet Diem - seize the shag rug.