Wife verbally abusive, thinks I am controlling

[marriedman123]

I have been married 3 years, and we have a 1 year old..

 

She is a SAHM, and I own a small business.

 

This recent fight started over our 1 year old. We live in a nice condo with a great pool. It is common for her to take our child to the pool while I work, hang out with other moms, etc. So, one day I get home and the child seems a bit listless.. Not moving, reacting etc. It was 95 degrees that day, and I felt he was probably in the sun too long, but did not say anything..

 

So, a few days later I am at work, and I know she plans on going to the pool again. This time it is 105, with a heat index of 140. I called and told her I felt it is too hot to take a baby to the pool. She gets irritated, calls her friends not to come, and for the rest of the day ignores me, won't speak to me etc.

 

This is irritating to me as I am actually working in the weather, miserably, to support us. I get home and ask what is wrong, and she will not talk.. I ask again, and she says I am controlling. Keep in mind I never ask what she does all day, she has money to go out with friends, go have lunch, shop, go to Starbucks, etc.

 

So, it escalates, and she tells me I am a loser. Everybody has a better husband.. I suck in bed.. Her friends, who I met for a few minutes, hate me. I am disgusting.. Other families take more vacations..Other husbands buy nicer cars for their wives..The biggest mistake she ever made was marrying me. I am a horrible father. She wants a divorce. She can find a lover, but I would not be able to.

 

So, I just leave, go for a ride, sleep on the couch. The next day she expects everything to be 100% normal. I am still really irritated, and she will not talk about the issue.. If we start to talk she says I just want to fight, she twists everything she said around, as if I am crazy.

 

Is that weather too hot for a one year old, and how do I start to try and repair this? Just forget it? Chalk it up to female emotions? Get her to talk about it?

[dixiepix]

Yes, I definitely think it is too hot for a 1 year old to be outside. But, also realize that none of us like being told what to do. My husband used to do it to me a lot. My thought is "I am a grown woman, you are not my father, I have one. I do not need to be told what to do." Now in saying this, I am more on the end of overprotecting our children. I have read a ton of self help books trying to help or fix my marriage. Some helped but what it really needed was God in it. Over the past year or so, my husband has come around to only nagging or telling me what to do if it is indeed a danger to someone like what you are saying. As far as her outbursts toward you, unfortunately, these are true feelings she has toward you right now. Yes her words are very cruel, almost abusive. If indeed you do exhibit extremely controlling behavior then it is likely built up anger. Try investing in the book the love dare.

[FryFish]

What a total C! She is probably already seeing another "lover"... Get a DNA test and start preparing for the worst...

[january2011]

I don't think it's about what happened with your son per se. Her laundry list of what you've been doing wrong suggests that she is deeply unhappy about her life and is blaming you for the lack of control she feels. I suspect that her dissatisfaction has been going on for a while. Taking your son to the pool was probably one of her coping mechanisms.

 

She probably doesn't feel that her needs are being met. If she hasn't spoken to you about them then she may have fallen into the classic trap of expecting you to be a mindreader. You need to nip this in the bud. I suggest more talking, even if it's painful at first. She needs to be clear about what it is that she really wants/needs and how you can help her in getting these met. She probably feels that she is doing the best that she can and doesn't get enough support, from you. Imagine barely being able to cope. Then the one person who is meant to be your support comes home and just complains (what it sounds like to you) that you're doing it all wrong when he is not there to make those decisions. If you're the kind of person who just keeps your head down and gets on with things, you may find it difficult to understand. That's not your fault. But you do need to try to see the situation from your wife's point of view so that you can support her in the way that she needs and wants.

 

As a starting point, do you help out with anything at home? Your son? The housework? Making sure that you and your wife get time alone to feed your emotional bond? A regular date night? If you say that you don't have time to do any of this, then make time. There's no point in working yourself to the bone while neglecting your family at the same time. Being a good provider does not overrule being a good husband or father. She does have to meet you halfway though. But you won't know if she's willing to do that until you make the first move, which may require a concession from you.

[KungFuJoe]

Look into postpartum depression. If she hasn't acted this irrationally in the past and it only started after your child, it could definitely be the case here.

[marriedman123]

It is tough to balance everything.

 

Our kid sleeps from 7pm to 8 am.. I work from 7 until 6. As soon as I walk in I still have things to record, write down, shower, and need 10 minutes of alone time.. She probably sees that as me neglecting the family.

 

So, I do not help much with the kid, cleaning etc. Similarly she helps with nothing bill/financial related.

 

I do not have a social life without her. I am not on drugs, drinking, going anywhere without her etc.

 

I am also under a lot of stress to pay bills, save, make everyone happy etc. Life is much easier being single. I think I just handle things differently and prod along without complaining or expecting things to be easy.

[DaisyLeigh]

It is tough to balance everything.

 

Our kid sleeps from 7pm to 8 am.. I work from 7 until 6. As soon as I walk in I still have things to record, write down, shower, and need 10 minutes of alone time.. She probably sees that as me neglecting the family.

 

So, I do not help much with the kid, cleaning etc. Similarly she helps with nothing bill/financial related.

 

I do not have a social life without her. I am not on drugs, drinking, going anywhere without her etc.

 

I am also under a lot of stress to pay bills, save, make everyone happy etc. Life is much easier being single. I think I just handle things differently and prod along without complaining or expecting things to be easy.

 

 

You need to spend time with that child. You can have your "me" time after the baby is asleep. And it would not kills you to pitch in on weekends and wash a dish or fold some towels.

 

She is probably lonely.

[marriedman123]

Seems things would be worse if I said "Here is no money. Sit inside all day". She does have a job, it is raising our kid while I am at work. She is not wasting money, but shopping for food, some clothes etc. I cannot complain about that aspect. I am not asking her to work and dump the kid in daycare.

 

I do spend time with the child, but when you are stressed all day it is not easy to walk in and be MR wonderful immediately. It takes me a few minutes to unwind.

[Radu]

I don't think it's about what happened with your son per se. Her laundry list of what you've been doing wrong suggests that she is deeply unhappy about her life and is blaming you for the lack of control she feels. I suspect that her dissatisfaction has been going on for a while. Taking your son to the pool was probably one of her coping mechanisms.

 

She probably doesn't feel that her needs are being met. If she hasn't spoken to you about them then she may have fallen into the classic trap of expecting you to be a mindreader. You need to nip this in the bud. I suggest more talking, even if it's painful at first. She needs to be clear about what it is that she really wants/needs and how you can help her in getting these met. She probably feels that she is doing the best that she can and doesn't get enough support, from you. Imagine barely being able to cope. Then the one person who is meant to be your support comes home and just complains (what it sounds like to you) that you're doing it all wrong when he is not there to make those decisions. If you're the kind of person who just keeps your head down and gets on with things, you may find it difficult to understand. That's not your fault. But you do need to try to see the situation from your wife's point of view so that you can support her in the way that she needs and wants.

 

As a starting point, do you help out with anything at home? Your son? The housework? Making sure that you and your wife get time alone to feed your emotional bond? A regular date night? If you say that you don't have time to do any of this, then make time. There's no point in working yourself to the bone while neglecting your family at the same time. Being a good provider does not overrule being a good husband or father. She does have to meet you halfway though. But you won't know if she's willing to do that until you make the first move, which may require a concession from you.

 

Generally agreed, with a few pointers.

 

The fact that she doesn't work and he has a small business to help them both means he is taking on her share of making money for the family.

This DOES NOT entitle her to have 'needs being met' as if she were working.

Being a SAHM while not being easy does not put direct money in the bank, whatever some women may think ... try living off that, someone has to work for a paycheck in the end.

 

Working 11hs a day, and coming home to some 'me' time of 10min in the shower is NORMAL.

Add to this commute time, and you have almost no time left.

So he needs to be given some slack because of this.

 

Now, being a SAHM doesn't mean that you can't fill out your day, it is not your husband's duty to 'fill your needs' that you do not speak up.

 

---

 

On the OP's case, there are some things that worry me :

- she wants you to read her mind, and bottles things down; a woman bottling down in today's 'no fault' divorce society means that at some point it's gonna blow over in an affair/divorce/gigs scenario ... so this is a major red flag in a woman

- is she a temporary SAHM or permanent ?; if it's permanent, you will have to pay alimony after a certain period of time, and she will get an even bigger chunk of your business, combined with the problem above it could mean your business going down, your life and by extension what you can do for your baby down. It's a bad scenario when you look at today's high prices and lackluster job opportunities

- you do not drop the D bomb [divorce] and hope everything will be hunky-dory next day. Does she come from a family where this is common ?

This would freak me out, the fact that she tried to get back to normal next day, she said a ton of horrible things there, and some of them were high up on the entitlement ladder [get me nice things NOW].

You can't kiss her ass after doing this either, because then she will know that she can manipulate you with it.

Has she said this before ?

 

Bottom line, look to see if you can improve your input in the household, and read Dale Carnegie's book 'How to make friends and influence ppl', it has a chapter dedicated on how to avoid nagging.

About the baby thing, 95F is 35C, and 105F is 40C.

Yes, that is very high for a baby, and a baby should not be out around noon anyway unless you live in England/Iceland, tons of UV rays at those times.

Their skin is very sensitive, and you can even burn them.

And she, she is a very immature woman ... she sounds like she had no real female rolemodel and has no manners. She accuses you of not empathising with her 'hard' situation when she doesn't do that herself.

 

I would start looking at a lawyer, when a woman [or a man] drops the D bomb you need to treat it very seriously. If it was just a control tactic, then she learns a lesson [if you withdraw emotionally from her], and if it was serious, you will be ready.

[marriedman321]

Thanks for the advice, and I will check out that book.

 

I have also noticed in other couples the wife complaining that the man works too much, doesn't spend enough time with the kid etc.

 

But it also seems women today are not the same as in the past. Are they cooking from scratch? Sewing clothes? Looking for every possible way to save a dime? I know my wife does not, and I do not know any wives that do.

 

Sure, in a perfect world I would work 3-4 8 hour days a week, and have plenty of money for eating out, cable, phones, bills, vacations, cars, insurances, and time to play with the kid etc. I honestly think women watch so many romantic movies in their lives that often times they lose touch with reality.

 

When I met my wife she was a hard worker, but struggling to get by. In a way I sort of do expect her to remember that time. Yes, staying at home with a child is not all fun and games, but she met a man who works hard enough, and is generous enough to do everything he can to give them what they want and need. Is there a more rewarding job than raising your own child?

 

Then sometimes I see the opposite.. A woman who supports a loser guy with no job, possibly on drugs and she "loves him". I am thinking wtf?

 

Does everything become relative to all women? I have dated plenty, and it seems the more you give, of your time, earnings etc they get used to it and the more they expect.

[zengirl]

I am going to give this advice assuming you want to work on this marriage. I will preface it by saying that some of the things she said are completely unacceptable. I agree with january that it sounds like she is profoundly unhappy as well. The *only* reason I could see giving her any kind of a 'pass' (which I mean not "accepting" it per se but riding through it) on that kind of verbal abuse is that she had a baby fairly recently and her brain chemistry is likely still whacked out, especially if she's still breastfeeding -- not an excuse by any means, but I will factor it in because if that's her general temperament, there's no real solution. And the fact is you're married to this woman and have a baby.

 

I will say I don't feel you were perfect in the original scenario. HOWEVER that does not entitle her to verbally abuse you.

 

Re: The one year old and the pool

 

I would probably agree with you that taking a baby out for ages in the hot sun with a heat index that high is unwise. However, telling a woman whose primary role in the HH is to mother her child how to mother her child is going to be seen as an offensive strike. Period. That wasn't the way to handle expressing your concerns. It sounds like you 'held in' your concerns at first and then just got them out as quickly as possible, after she'd already made plans to go again. The better thing to do would've been to have a conversation more diplomatically, in person, the night before, and express your concern in a non-confrontational way that allowed her at least the CHANCE to make the choice herself.

 

I get home and ask what is wrong, and she will not talk.. I ask again, and she says I am controlling.

 

In this instance, you WERE controlling. You didn't have a discussion with her about concern for your son. You called her up and TOLD her what to do.

 

So, it escalates, and she tells me I am a loser. Everybody has a better husband.. I suck in bed.. Her friends, who I met for a few minutes, hate me. I am disgusting.. Other families take more vacations..Other husbands buy nicer cars for their wives..The biggest mistake she ever made was marrying me. I am a horrible father. She wants a divorce. She can find a lover, but I would not be able to.

 

Now none of this is OK and is hitting WAY below the belt. That is some intensely negative **** right there. I don't know what your wife's issues are, but she needs to deal with her own anger and misery.

 

So, I just leave, go for a ride, sleep on the couch. The next day she expects everything to be 100% normal. I am still really irritated, and she will not talk about the issue.. If we start to talk she says I just want to fight, she twists everything she said around, as if I am crazy.

 

Well, just for your own sanity: Consider she may not remember saying what you heard in the way you heard it. Emotional fights are often this way. Anger makes people not think straight. That doesn't mean she didn't say it, but it also means she may not be trying to make it sound as if you are crazy but simply REALLY not recalling it as you do. This happens frequently, especially with people who have a lot of anger, as it sounds like your wife does.

 

I truly suggest some MC if you can get her to go --- just to deal with the changes in your life since the baby came, her anger, and the disconnect you two have. Deal with it now so the chasm doesn't grow. It sounds to me like your wife has some major anger --- not that unusual for a new SAHM, I'd guess. It also sounds like you two both need to work out issues of identity and role and communication in the R. Someone to mediate and help you talk without blame would be a huge step, I'd say.

 

It is tough to balance everything.

 

Our kid sleeps from 7pm to 8 am.. I work from 7 until 6. As soon as I walk in I still have things to record, write down, shower, and need 10 minutes of alone time.. She probably sees that as me neglecting the family.

 

If you get home at 6 and the kid goes to sleep at 7, I think that you may need to alter your routine, for the baby more than for your wife. Come in the door and spend some time with him first and THEN maybe shower and take some alone time. It's also important to express the need for that alone time and make it clear the goal is not to neglect your family. But if you're literally barely seeing your kid. . . well, that's not about your wife, but something I'd suggest trying to amend. I'd suggest at least 30 minutes of pure Daddy/Baby bonding time each day.

 

So, I do not help much with the kid, cleaning etc. Similarly she helps with nothing bill/financial related.

 

Having a new baby is rough and that's a 24 hour job, not an 11 hour one. I'd say that even if one partner is home, the other partner should do occasional work around the home, personally, though of course it's natural to have her do the lion's share.

 

When I met my wife she was a hard worker, but struggling to get by. In a way I sort of do expect her to remember that time. Yes, staying at home with a child is not all fun and games, but she met a man who works hard enough, and is generous enough to do everything he can to give them what they want and need. Is there a more rewarding job than raising your own child?

 

THIS is a problem right here. It sounds like you want her to be grateful all the time kind of. I get that desire, to a degree, but it's never going to lead anywhere good. With anyone. How did she become a SAH wife/mother? Did you two discuss it? Was it the only feasible option with the child? Was the child planned? A lot of this may be new stress that may pass, but some of it is going to require some deep communication.

 

Honestly, I agree that each partner needs some gratitude and respect from the other, but I think it's a myth that the breadwinner should get more of it. I'm not saying you logically think that, but it comes out emotionally in some of your words. My advice is to let go of that notion and work together on what you both want from your lives/marriage and how you can achieve that together. That requires real interaction, communication, and teamwork. It's more work upfront than letting things coast, but you may feel less burdened over time when you are working on the same page.

 

Of course, if your wife persists in being verbally abusive, there may be no saving anything.

 

Does everything become relative to all women? I have dated plenty, and it seems the more you give, of your time, earnings etc they get used to it and the more they expect.

 

I think the greater problem with relations in a partnership are that people 'give' something they see as a high value but doesn't match what their partner needs or wants. I notice this in small ways, even in my marriage. I think I'm being clear on what I want/need from Hubby (and sometimes I am, sometimes he really doesn't get it) and he gives me something else instead, thinking it's a good substitute or not realizing what I wanted. But then I feel not 'listened' to --- it's not about whether the substitute is better or worse. It's about him not even recognizing the need I expressed!

 

Now keep in mind that women may express things in a much more subtle way than men. I am not a fan of expecting 'mind reading' but neither am I a fan of expecting your partner to always walk you through it step-by-step. Some compromise must be had.

 

Anyway, I think it sounds like you two have to have a discussion about BOTH of your needs in the R before things get out of hand.