theundertaker Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 So after 5 long weeks of no contact she finally contacted me through text. I'm a bit confused as all the signs she sending. She's with a rebound and has been since 3 days after we broke up it's been a little over 2 and a half months now since the breakup. The first 3-4 weeks I begged and pleaded to get her back but she was stuck in the honeymoon phase of her new found boyfriend. I decided to finally go no contact and work on myself. Well lo and behold week five rolls around and she contacts me saying " I'm sure I'm probably the last person you want to hear from but I hope you're holding up and everything is going your way." I responded a few hours later to her keeping it brief and only answering her questions. She continued to say thing like she doesn't want there to be animosity between us and that she's asked our mutual friend how I've been and that she's sorry about what she did and she doesn't regret our time together. That was the end of our first conversation. It left me dead in my tracks because as I was using no contact to help myself her saying I don't regret our time together blew my mind because the last time we talked before we went into no contact she was being rude but I left on good terms. Well another 2 days go by and she texts me again and it was even more opened up by her than the last conversation we had. She started off by saying "I hope you know I give a sh*t about you and the damaged I may have caused. If you have it in you, I'm here for you. If not, I understand. I want nothing but good for you." Which blew me away even more because I started to think that she might be having regret but then again who knows. In that conversation she said he she has been wanting to call me and that I still exist to her and that she didn't forget and how much she still cares and that I meant everything to her. Towards the end of texting I asked how she was and she responded with "Things are ok but my mind still wanders towards you and how you're doing. I'll give you a call sometime. I hope it won't be weird." I couldn't even comprehend why she was saying this since she was dating another guy now and she was finally telling me all of this. We texted twice since then and it's been real light just small talk and she would say some stuff along the lines I hope your day was good but nothing crazy. I was always the last one to send a text to her before the conversations would end. I definitely wasn't being needy or desperate in the texts but my real question is why is she telling me all this stuff now? If she says things like I wish the best for you, I still care, you're still on my mind what is she really trying to say? She's still with her rebound and she's definitely doing this secretively from him to tell me all this stuff. I know she plans on calling me to talk but I'm not sure what she is looking to accomplish from it. So I'm not really sure what she is trying to do here but maybe I'm just reading into it too much and she is just trying to keep things mutual with us. Any insight would be appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
Appleness Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 Of course, no one will know her as well as you but from a girl's perspective, you're reading way too much into it. Or at least you should assume you are. From what you said, it sounds like her guilt talking and once you ease her guilt (i.e. keep talking to her and let her tell you that she wants the best for you) than the more you're left spinning your wheels wondering what's going on. She might just have finally gotten a bit bored of the new relationship and wants to test the waters with you. You should ask yourself: are you willing to let her just come back with little or no effort? Link to post Share on other sites
Stanza Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 It sounds like the guilt talking. I agree. However the bit where 'her mind wanders to you' sounds like she's a bit on the fence on her decision as well. However I get the impression she's testing the waters but not really sure. If there are things you did during the NC to improve yourself which would impact on making a reunion a good one, and an improved relationship between you, you should play on those somehow in your communication with her. If you want her back you need to also up the communication slowly towards things that show her how you've changed or what YOU want if you got together again. I think you should make the most of the contact you have IF you're after reconciliation. I wasn't really sure from what you wrote, what you wanted... Link to post Share on other sites
Author theundertaker Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 Thanks for the replies. Obviously I still care for her and would probably pursue reconciliation if it came to that BUT I also am to the point where I will be fine if that doesn't happen and I'm just happy for her if she's happy. We've texted a few times again and she always sends the first text to make the conversation. The previous one she started it off by saying "I hope you've been having fun. You were always such a fun person." Anyways the end of that conversation lead to her saying that she would give me a call today, which I still haven't heard from(she said she would call me at 3) but now I'm really not certain what it is she wants to talk about? I mean I know she is still dating this guy and she is doing it behind his back so that makes me feel kind of comforting that she is reaching out like this but who knows at this point if it's breadcrumbs and she is just trying to have a mutual connection. But I just think it's kind of weird how she is saying all these things towards me basically saying she misses me. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 It's her guilt. Nothing more. She's trying to regain that emotional support from you, while continuing to date this new guy. I wouldn't continue holding out for reconciliation. She was with this new guy 3 days after she broke up with you. Trust me, she left you for this other guy, she knew and was probably starting something up with this guy (at least on an emotional level) before she left you. Don't feed into her text messages. Keep NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author theundertaker Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 Why is she trying to regain emotional support from me if she is dating this other guy? When she started dating this guy she still told me she loved me for several weeks afterwards and she even cheated on him with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Appleness Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 It's a test and it's NOT exclusive to women, sometimes men do it too. They do it because they can get away with it. Most likely, it's due to a mixture of guilt (she's trying to make sure you're okay because she does cares about you on some level) and because she likes the thrill of having the extra attention (as in many she's texting you while watching tv with the new guy). Look, do you do always respond right away to her texts? If you do, try this: when she texts you the next time, text back in an hour. When she replies, text back in 2 hours. Gradually increase the time in between and if she gets angry at you then she's not just texting to tell you how nice you are, she wants the attention. Because when someone is demanding attention, they want it right then and there or they feel very very frustrated when you don't give them what they want Link to post Share on other sites
Author theundertaker Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 Whenever she sends me the first text I'll text back normally an hour later on purpose sometimes longer. I'll do lengthy pauses throughout the conversations and she'll normally respond pretty quick after all my texts. She'll mostly stops in the middle of conversations though and will restart a conversation the next day or 2 days later. It's been a week since her first contact and we've had about 4-5 conversations. All have been under about ten text each. Nothing but positive stuff has been said. Today she was supposed to call me after she texted me late last night but I haven't heard from heard and I won't hold my breath just random that she hasn't kept her word on something like this but who knows maybe she'll apologize when she calls Link to post Share on other sites
Author theundertaker Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 So she called... I kept things light in the conversation. She got very emotional asking me a lot of questions. She told me a lot about her what shes been up to, what's going on with her in the next few months etc... She asked me about 3 times if I'm seeing anyone else and I kept replying I don't want to talk about that stuff and I could tell it really bothered her. She asked me if I still care for her I said yeah I do but I played it off like it wasn't a big deal. At one point she started crying because I am going to be in town in 2 weeks and I will see her at a place I'm going and she said she doesn't want me to be angry or mad at her in person and she continued to cry. She said sorry how things ended and how sorry she is she hurt me. I told her that's life and you learn to deal with it. She told me she's still seeing that guy and they're going to be getting a place at the end of August down where I live. This completely tore me up, this is initially what her and I had planned for this summer and now she's doing it with some guy she's only been dating for 2 1/2 months. I had to hold my ground and I said well I hope it works out for you because I know that's what you always wanted. She told me how much she misses my family. For the most part she did almost all of the talking and I only answered her questions I didn't ask too much. She left the conversation that she wants me to call her in the next few days. It ended up being awkward for her I could tell she was trying not to be emotional and wanted to know more and more I did ask if it was weird if we continued talking since she's dating someone else and she said that it won't be a problem. I plan on not calling her and having her reach out to me again and not give her what she wants. When I see her in person in two weeks I'm going to be as neutral as possible and let her chase after it if she really wants to talk to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Stanza Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 she sounds like she doesn't know what she's doing and that she misses you and isn't sure she's made the right decision with the new guy. When you meet you should be friendly and you could always tell her prior that you're open to reconciling but only when he's out of the picture? I don't know but if you don't actually tell her, and are too aloof she will think you don't want her in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Appleness Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I totally agree with Stanza 100%. It sounds like maybe she's doing with the new guy everything that she wanted to do with you. Of course, she can do this if they're in the honeymoon phase where basically he'll do anything for her but I think maybe that will get old pretty fast. If you decide you want her back eventually, don't be too aloof because you'll be sending mixed messages to her. Just don't be too eager but still be courteous and nice. Link to post Share on other sites
Stanza Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Just don't be too eager but still be courteous and nice. Yeah, that's about it. Tricky but possible to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author theundertaker Posted July 9, 2012 Author Share Posted July 9, 2012 So after talking to my ex on the phone last Monday the only other time i talked to her was on Wednesday for fourth of July it was super brief only about 2 or 3 texts. When we got off the phone she said she wanted me to call her again and whenever. Should i go ahead and call her or would it be better to wait until this weekend when i see her in person? Link to post Share on other sites
salmagundi Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 How about don't call her. Let her call you when she isn't f&?king some other guy? I think that would be the best bet myself... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author theundertaker Posted July 10, 2012 Author Share Posted July 10, 2012 Well I called her anyways I was going on instinct of her wanting to have me call this time anyways like she asked. She missed my initial call but called back about a half hour later apologizing and she told me that she missed it because her and her mom were actually talking about me and my family. Really weird I thought. We had a pretty short conversation we talked about the holiday what we both did, her dads friend dying and some other small topics. Everything was super positive and friendly. The conversation ended with her saying if I don't talk to you soon I'll definitely see you this weekend. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
skyisfalling Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 breadcrumbs. Link to post Share on other sites
salmagundi Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 she's just giving the line a little tug to see if you're still on the end of it... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author theundertaker Posted July 18, 2012 Author Share Posted July 18, 2012 So a huge update since my last post. We texted a few times since. it was always me saying the last thing to the conversation. She would always ask me questions in the text and I would eventually respond and I would never get anything back from her when I would answer it. After one of our conversations ended the next day she added me on facebook and once I approved she liked one of my pictures instantly. Anyways knowing I was going to be in the same town as her this previous weekend she texted me asking if I wanted to get food. I called her instead of responding to that text because I was going to actually ask her the same thing but I had a gift that I got her after we had broken up sitting in my room for months now(it was a super epic coffee mug that I saw her looking at when we were dating). She said she was excited to see each other and was hoping that it wouldn't be awkward. I didn't talk to her after that phone call. That Sunday rolls around and she was supposed to meet up with all of us that day to hangout. I didn't hear from her. She didn't end up meeting up till later that evening which I thought was going to be an all day thing which I heard from our mutual friend. She met up with a bunch of friends and I, I was sitting down and she rubbed my shoulder and said hey I just said hey back and that was that for the time being. I ignored her for a few hours enjoying my time with my friends and I noticed she kept looking over at me non stop. Anyways we end up going to the concert that I was playing that night and she is nowhere to be in sight. Once we start playing she is on the side of the stage and waves to me to get my attention and she has a huge smile on her face. I don't see her again until after we're done playing. I run into her finally and she says "are we going to talk? I want to..." I said sure why not. And we both walked down the street alone. We get to a corner and we're just standing there talking and she says "I kinda really want to hug you right now..." And once she says that the waterworks start pouring I give her a hug and she starts crying in my arms. We hug in silence for about a minute or so and we have a seat right there on a brick wall. She is sitting super close to me crying and she even has her hands in my lap and I'm rubbing her back. Super weird unexpected moment for me. Our conversation leads to her saying how sorry she is and regrets what she did to me and that she never wanted things like this. She told me how guilty she feels for everything and that she thinks about me all the time. she even brought up that she has dreams about me all the time too. She brought up her boyfriend and told me how disrespectful it was to bring him up and that she knows that it isn't fair to even talk about that subject. She also asked me again if I'm seeing anyone or talking to anyone. She told me that she told her friends, family and even her boyfriend that she talks to me. She told me that she told her boyfriend that she talks to me and only told him to be respectful. She told me that he is okay with it and understands. Why would any boyfriend be okay with their current girlfriend talking to their ex? completely confusing. We walked over to a liquor store and I bought her a drink and as we were walking back to the venue she said her boyfriend was down the street at a restaurant waiting to pick her up because that was her ride home. But she wanted her gift so I had to give it to her but it was inside the venue so we went to go get it and I gave it to her. It put a HUGE smile on her face and she gave me a hug. It was another long hug... So I kissed her on the forehead and she squeezed harder and we began letting go of the hug for some reason I went to go kiss her on the cheek and when I went to go do this she turned her head slightly and we semi kissed on the lips and that was that. We didn't say anything about it, it just happened. I walked her out of the place after and she gave me another hug and told me I'll talk to you real soon. She texted me about an hour after leaving(with her boyfriend) and said "Thank you so much. It was nice seeing you and I'm glad I was comfortable with you." I didn't respond that night because I was obviously busy doing band stuff which she knew that. I responded the next morning keeping it light and brief. It's been 2 days since I saw or heard from her. But that was my experience for the first time seeing me ex after no contact. This has never confused me more until now because after she basically tells me how much she misses and regrets everything she is still dating someone else who she cheated on their first few weeks of dating with me who she supposedly plans on moving down where I live with him in the next 6 weeks. Another thing she emphasized in our conversation was that she made it clear that she did not leave me to date someone else, even though it happened 3 days after breaking up. She wanted to tell me she would never do that to me and those weren't her intentions. He knows she is talking to me and its gradually becoming more of a frequent thing. I was surprised that she didn't respond to my text after I responded to hers and she definitely saw it. Us meeting in person there was definitely a connection between her and I with the hugging, her putting her hands on my lap and me kissing her forehead/cheek. Now I'm really left clueless as what to do. I kept my cool and confidence the whole time with her and we both had a great time but it still doesn't make any sense to me that she either won't be straight up with me or she is still just as confused as ever as well. P.S. I never realized I didn't add my original thread to this one so here is more background information on our relationship http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/328615-ex-girlfriend-rebound-gigs-etc Link to post Share on other sites
salmagundi Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 To be honest I don't get a really good feeling from this situation. I my opinion (for what its worth) you have to stick to the relevant facts. She dumped you. She started seeing someone else 3 days later. She says its a coincidence but I don't believe it (okay, that is not a fact, its an opinion...but I bet it is actually a fact that he was already waiting in the wings.) Lastly, she is still with him, has not stated any intention of leaving him and has not asked you back. So that makes you what exactly? The love of her life that she secretly wants to get back with once she straightens her head out? Sure...maybe... Or how about she's put you on the back burner so that if this guy doesn't work out she can rebound back to you? Definitely possible but don't confuse that with a real reconciliation...she would be gone again before you knew it. Or maybe she just wants to be friends in order to be sure you don't hate her, to assuage her guilt at dumping you, to have you their for emotional support in order to round out her relationship with her new bf, or simply because she believes you are a great person and still wants to be around you...as a friend. Obviously I don't know which it is. But as long as she is with her new bf I do think you need to prioritize yourself and get into a mindset where you start moving on...In breakups I've done a lot of the micro-analysing of every word and gesture of my exes (she 'liked' my last Facebook status...she touched my knee...she ended her last text with 'xxx'). I see you doing it too and I think it speaks a lot to you being unwilling to move on and still hanging on to hope in the absence of any evidence. Thats my 2 cents, hope it helps... Link to post Share on other sites
Author theundertaker Posted July 19, 2012 Author Share Posted July 19, 2012 You are 100% correct. I've definitely have been over analyzing everything and asking questions about every little detail. It really does need to stop because the reality of it is that the relevant facts are completely different then what I think or want to believe. All of those answers are all a possibility and who honestly really knows what is going on. I really have been basing everything off a little string of hope... because that's all I have. But for what? You're right I need to stick to the relevant facts rather than trying to decode everything as if there is a secret message. You're also right there is absolutely no evidence. The only hope I've really had is that it has played out like a lot of advice I've read and I guess that is why I still linger over her like I'm accomplishing something. I've done the no contact and she finally contacted me saying how she was sorry, I've been confident and played it cool with her new relationship. I've taken all these steps that I do feel has been a step forward towards reconciliation I definitely feel like I have gotten to the point where I know if nothing happens I will be okay. The only thing that I'm really on the fence about is that I've come this far done so many positive changes(for myself) that I don't know if I should continue to pursue this person or 100% complete give up. It's that 100% effort that is what scares me of giving up. Sure you could say it's hope but to me it feels more like failure. Which I will be okay with it's just a matter of when I should be at that point of deciding that. Unfortunately this is something I never thought I'd deal with in my life. I'm a strong headed logical person so for me to feel this way it's all brand new to me and there's not much where I can find answers in a situation like this. I think I've done the right thing so far and I feel like I'm in a split in a road and I need to make the right turn. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
steelgator Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 Send her one last messsage: Hey, it was nice seeing you and I'm glad we are still cool and there are no hard feelings. But I don't think it's a good idea that we continue anymore contact as you should focus on your new relationship. I as well, need to go my own direction and find what's best for me. I wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors. Link to post Share on other sites
steelgator Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 this way you are telling her not to feel guilty but you need to seperate yourself from the situation. She will start to be more confused. Any more messages she sends afterwards ignore unless it clearly says I WANT YOU BACK. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyes67 Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 It may be a good exercise to look at yourself and figure out why you are attracted to people who need rescuing. I dated a guy like that and he was like a moth to light when he met me. I was going through a difficult divorce/identity theft/debt, etc. and there he was riding in to save the day. At the time it was nice to have someone there to save me, but as I rebuilt my life, got counseling, gained back some emotional strength, etc, we started fighting more and more. As the relationship deteriorated, I started to wondering what attracted us in the first place. Physical attraction was high on the list but more obvious was his need to rescue and my need to be rescued at the time. We fit together like two unhealthy puzzle pieces. As far as your ex is concerned, she sounds utterly confused and unhealthy. I agree with previous posts, she needs a lot of attention-like a child who has never learned to self-pacify. She gets her gratification externally because she can't make herself happy. That is a risky bridge to cross. If you get back together, you can't be there 24/7 to fill up her emotional tank. In fact, the only time it sounds like you didn't have problems was when you were literally with her 24/7 doing fun things and thats not reality. I know this sounds harsh but stay away from her. Keep working on yourself and trust that the universe will bring you what you need. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author theundertaker Posted July 20, 2012 Author Share Posted July 20, 2012 Send her one last messsage: Hey, it was nice seeing you and I'm glad we are still cool and there are no hard feelings. But I don't think it's a good idea that we continue anymore contact as you should focus on your new relationship. I as well, need to go my own direction and find what's best for me. I wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors. Before I take this route of completely moving on I'd definitely like to see other opinions Link to post Share on other sites
steelgator Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 your only other option is to not contact her and do your own thing and maybe wait a few weeks to see if she breaks up with the other guy... Link to post Share on other sites
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