wife considering leaving me.

[peace-maker17]

Hi All,

 

This might get quite long so I apologize. My wife and I have been married 9 years, our 10th anniversary will be next October. We have a 9 month old son named Carter who I just adore, he is soo awesome. Our marriage has had some rocky times the past say 5 years, we don't communicate a lot, sex life is non existent and she is not happy and neither am I. Without going too deeply I am a very demanding person, I have some anxiety issues and anger issues I need to work on. I would say I have been verbally abusive and have said a lot of things I regret doing. On the flip side my wife is a great mom, she stays at home with our son and may work 1 day a week at the hospital. I grew up in a home where my dad was verbally abusive and had anger issues also which obviously were passed to me. I understand it's wrong and want us to get marriage counseling and individual counseling. I typically get mad at my wife for forgetting things and say things I shouldn't say and we end up hurting each other. I love her more than anything. Today when I came home she was gone and I got this email below:

 

 

Carter and I are leaving. We will be in North Georgia at my parents. Do not come up there.

 

I know you don't understand, but I do love you. That's why leaving is so hard for me to do. Believe me, if I felt that there was any other way I wouldn't leave.

 

But I can't let Carter grow up the way you did. Its not fair ti him and I wouldn't be a good mother if I did. So I feel like my hand is forced to do something I never wanted to do.

 

I want our separation to be peaceful and will do what I can to keep it that way. You know me. I'm not going to try to screw you over.

 

God, this kills me.

 

 

 

I have been trying to reach her all day and she has responding a few times saying she has no choice, etc.

 

 

I love my wife and our son, I will do anything to make our marriage work, marriage counseling, etc. I feel dumb that I was naive to let the problem grow this big. I didn't fully understand how unhappy my wife was.

 

How can I convince her to at least give the concealing a go and work out our issues, I don't want my son growing up with divorced parents.

 

Please help and be kind, I have been vomiting the last few hours and need some help/advice.

[M30USA]

Gotta love how she just took off with YOUR children as if she is the sole owner. That crap happens all the time. I feel for you, brother. You may have an anger issue but that doesn't mean your own flesh and blood should be stolen from your roof. What a joke. That crap should be illegal unless there is legitimate evidence of physical harm/threat to a spouse and children.

[darkmoon]

"Without going too deeply I am a very demanding person, I have some anxiety issues and anger issues I need to work on. I would say I have been verbally abusive and have said a lot of things I regret doing."

 

i'm sorry you feel bad; but tbh, when you say anger issues need working on, i'll save you the cost of a counsellor, unless you get mad at other men particulary big strong ones in the same way (unlikely) then please stop being issue-laden, just stop, tbhx2, i think your wife would also prefer it if you came across as less in awe of this easy-to-stop habit, she can't take it. yes, offer to do what it takes to win her back, counselling included, but don't take too long to change

[M30USA]

Okay I missed that part. Forgive me for being a little jaded, but my wife kicked my ass with a wooden plank, wound up in jail, and still got joint custody. Go figure.

[Woggle]

Gotta love how she just took off with YOUR children as if she is the sole owner. That crap happens all the time. I feel for you, brother. You may have an anger issue but that doesn't mean your own flesh and blood should be stolen from your roof. What a joke. That crap should be illegal unless there is legitimate evidence of physical harm/threat to a spouse and children.

 

I know men get screwed all the time on this issue no matter how a woman acts so I understand your knee jerk reaction but in this case she had good reason to take the kid and leave.

[M30USA]

Can we define "verbal abuse"?

[M30USA]

My MIL said her husband was "abusive" because he was working his ass off in 100 degree weather and, when she showed up to boss him around, he got frustrated and told her to leave him alone. That, to her, was verbal abuse. I have seen the term "abuse", itself, abused.

[darkmoon]

1. Verbal abuse is hurtful and usually attacks the nature and abilities of the partner. Over time, the partner may begin to believe that there is something wrong with her or her abilities. She may come to feel that she is the problem, rather than her partner.

 

2. Verbal abuse may be overt (through angry outbursts and name- calling) or covert (involving very subtle comments, even something that approaches brainwashing). Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming and accusatory, and consequently confusing to the partner. Covert verbal abuse, which is hidden aggression, is even more confusing to the partner. Its aim is to control her without her knowing.

 

3. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling. Even disparaging comments may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way. But the goal is to control and manipulate.

 

4. Verbal abuse is insidious. The partner's self-esteem gradually diminishes, usually without her realizing it. She may consciously or unconsciously try to change her behavior so as not to upset the abuser.

 

5. Verbal abuse is unpredictable. In fact, unpredictability is one of the most significant characteristics of verbal abuse. The partner is stunned, shocked, and thrown off balance by her mate's sarcasm, angry jab, put-down, or hurtful comment.

 

6. Verbal abuse is not a side issue. It is the issue in the relationship. When a couple is having an argument about a real issue, the issue can be resolved. In a verbally abusive relationship, there is no specific conflict. The issue is the abuse, and this issue is not resolved. There is no closure.

 

7. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. There is incongruence between the way the abuser speaks and his real feelings. For example, he may sound very sincere and honest while he is telling his partner what is wrong with her.

 

8. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety. The verbal abuse may begin with put-downs disguised as jokes. Later other forms might surface. Sometimes the verbal abuse may escalate into physical abuse, starting with "accidental" shoves, pushes, and bumps.

 

the guy whose wife left must tell her how wonderful she is and how he will show that he appreciates her, you two guys must have been good together at the start, poor husband, take a deep breath and promise yourself you'll never back yourself into this corner again, be like it's a fresh start, like when you first got together

[hinatticus]

I'm not married but am in a similar situation. My advice is this. If you truly love her, give her space, don't beg, don't get angry no matter what, take her sh*t, and get all the help you can get(counseling, self help books, relationship books).

 

I'm 4 months post break up and my ex is actually nice to me now. She actually apologizes when she thinks she's hurt my feelings. We do stuff as a family. But by no means are we anywhere close to reconciling. I've seen a counselor for the past 2 months and have read many books and articles on relationships, self help etc.

 

There is no time frame, but you gotta ask yourself how long are you willing to fight for her? You owe it to her and everyone around you to get your anger under control. I've learned many useful things to control my emotions. Right now I don't consider myself an angry or aggressive person anymore. People will say that an abuser can't change. I believe they can with the right motivation and the ability to truly look at yourself.

 

I know how you feel. Being a single dad is hard. In your case it's hard cuz you don't see your son. In my case it's hard cuz doing all the parenting alone is not that easy.

 

Just remember, fix yourself and don't piss your wife off. You gotta be in this for the long haul. Change doesn't happen overnight and she deserves the best from you.

 

Good luck man.

[darkmoon]

Are you serious? Your call him the poor husband?

 

Do you not understand what abuse is and what it does to someone?

 

he was vomiting, very upset, and asked for kindness

 

yes, i do know abuse is real bad - but i don't see why you have this resentment for my ideas of what the guy might want to do to win his wife back - can you please explain your resentment? or did you not mean to come across this way? cheers.

Edited July 1, 2012 by darkmoon

[AllieKat]

My advice and keep in mind I may not be the best person to offer advice (im making a mess of my own marriage as we speak) is to

 

1. Recognize you married a good woman who is being a great mother by getting son out of a bad environment even though shes heartbroken shes putting son first what more could you ask for of the Mother of your child

 

2. Get help now! Start asap! Dont waste your time freaking out yoyr son is being cared for now be a good dad and good husband and care for yourself!! Get help its the only way! MC can wait you need IMO conseling for just you

 

3. Let het have space but keep in touch about son. Let her know what your going to do and do it!! Dont tell her to come home etc, fix yourself and give her a reason to want to come home in time when she can feel safe.

 

Imo the worst thing you can do is nothing and begging her to come back isnt fair to your son! Its like begging the enemy to come out and saying i wont shoot ya while youve still got the gun pointed at them.

[darkmoon]

I don't have resentment toward you, frustrated that you don't seem to grasp how serious verbal/emotional abuse is and that it's not something that is just fixed by being nice. I wasn't unkind to the op but yet I won't send a virtual hug either as I have been the recipient of abuse, so my response is in the middle. If his wife posted.....I'd give her the same as my response was but I'd tell her to NOT go back to him until he had a long track record of not doing it anymore and he had received professional help.

 

 

It's deep rooted and difficult to change and it's hell on earth to the person that it's being done to. Physical abuse may leave a visible scar but emotional abuse leaves scars too but they just aren't visible. It's just as serious. I'm betting you have never been abused........right?

 

you'd lose! sorry. xx

there are three other posters who all say similar supportive stuff to mine

Edited July 1, 2012 by darkmoon