Strength to leave WS

[Tallblueyed]

I would like to start by thanking everyone for sharing such personal experiences and the people who post such great advice and support.

 

My demographics are:

 

Together 14 years, married 12

She brought 3 boys into the marriage (her ex died of cancer)

All the kids are now grown and moved out (youngest is 19)

She is 9 years older (doesn’t feel relevant to me, I am an old soul at 37)

Consider her my best friend (for real)

Excellent sex life

 

My story is not special (compared to what I have read), although it feels like I am drowning in my mental hurricane.

 

Ten years ago I discovered she was having an affair with one of her coworkers. About four months after DD I couldn’t take it and I left. After about three months apart I agreed to see a MC to make sure I was doing the right thing (in leaving). In hindsight the MC was very unethical and biased towards her – which enflamed me and brought out my protective side. After two months of MC we swept the sh*t under the rug and pretended like it was behind us – I was so young and naïve to think that it would ‘work itself out’.

 

Snap shot of the next ten years: I thought about the affair EVERYDAY. Three or four different times I had to police her actions that were crossing lines with other guys. I have no doubt there were many things I missed/don’t know about. We NEVER fought about anything (and that is not something I am bragging about). There were several very trying life events (that didn’t have to do with fidelity) in which I would always rise above and be the best possible husband/father/friend.

 

This last January I spotted some tell-tale signs of her straying again. My education is in computers and I could not resist the urge to install a key logger to capture the evidence. Here is the crazy part: I knew what I was going to find, but I refused to open the log files for over a month. Finally one day I broke down and opened them, and sure enough she was back to her usual MO (coworker). She denied denied denied, even when I presented the evidence (she doesn’t deny it anymore).

 

Long story longer, I left again (actually I asked her to leave this time, no kids = her leaving). But I am very embarrassed to say that I couldn’t stick to my guns and allowed her back in and agreed to MC again. I begged for her to give me some time apart, but she pushed and pushed until I broke (I am feeling very insecure about myself these days).

 

That was four months ago. In that time I have completely lost myself and feel hopeless, worthless and unworthy of a normal relationship. My business is suffering, as I generally spend most of the day staring at my monitor and only dealing with the hot issues my employees bring to me. I am an empty shell in every other aspect too, don’t want to socialize or do anything; I just look forward to going to bed early every night. Although I have managed to maintain my healthy lifestyle (eating right and working out) – I had lost 80 pounds about six years ago and really prioritize a healthy body (note I didn’t say healthy mind).

 

I still have love for her, and I believe her when she tells me she loves me – but her love comes at such a high cost. We have so much history and so many wonderful memories. I am so torn; I now look back at my marriage as an illusion, ignorant bliss.

 

Last week I asked her for a divorce. I told her that I was mentally broken and felt like this was the only way I could recover. I don’t even know who I am anymore; I never thought I would be ‘this guy’ (who takes back a chronic cheater).

 

Last night we talked again, and she keeps tugging at my heart strings (I cannot handle seeing her cry). I agreed to postpone the divorce in lieu of a full legal separation (including living separately). I don’t expect to reconcile with her, but I just don’t have the energy to push for the full D right now. It might sound chicken sh*t, but I am hoping that I can gather enough energy to deal with it later; I am just trying to survive right now.

 

I read about so many similar situations, but many of them are compounded with young children – I feel selfish for even talking with people who have gone through this with kids (I am busted up just at the thought of not having my dogs).

 

I am hoping to get into see a therapist this week, I need to start somewhere. My business is suffering, my self-esteem is non-existent and my self-image is worthless (despite people telling me that I am extremely good looking). I feel like I am going to cave at any minute and tell her she can stay (she is looking for a place to stay as we speak).

 

Anybody who can share advice, or more specifically relate with their story would go a long ways. I am an extremely private person and feel a great deal of shame in talking with people IRL; I feel like I am burdening them (not by any actions on their part). Thanks for reading my long post – I tend to babble-type.

Edited July 1, 2012 by Tallblueyed

[YellowShark]

Same here. She was a serial cheater. Two coworkers emotionally and a close married friend physically. So been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

 

Here's what I learned. Look at her actions. Her promises are empty. While I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater, twice a cheater.. ALWAYS a cheater.

 

I refuse to have an emotional and financial partner in life that doesn't have my back, or will drive a bus over me. Just like you can't have an employee who steals from your company.

 

You love who she was. Not who she is.

 

Whatever path you choose. Good luck.

[GLDheart]

I know your self esteem has taken a hit.. but please know that it is her that is missing something not you. She is the insecure one that needs the validation of other men to fill a bottomless hole in her character. She is the one with such low self worth that she doesn't care if she is used. I'll bet she even says that she knows she doesn't deserve you but then begs you not to leave her.

 

She believes she needs you and would give up anything to have you. She may even truly think she can live up to that. However, once you are safely back in the secure relationship, she gets that nagging emptiness that seeks out validation... and the cycle continues.

 

She needs the help. Not you.

[Tallblueyed]

Thanks for the replies.

 

She does beg and plead to work it out, and I have given in to that in the past. It is so difficult to see her in pain. It is NO EXCUSE, but she has had a very rough past that includes abuse, neglect, and abandonment; and she doesn't play those cards, but mentally I do. Despite her obvious short comings she has risen above in many other aspects of her life (professionally, socially, and family). So I find myself making excuses for her behavior and hoping this one (big) thing can be fixed - but it just seems to be getting over looked instead.

 

She has been in IC for several months now, and she may very well be on the path to recovery, but at this point I am emotionally in the ICU. I am putting my needs above hers now, I feel there is no alternative.

 

As bad luck would have it, 10 mins after my initial post, after she visited her cousins house to set up arrangements to stay there she got into an accident and totaled her car. We spent the evening at the ER. She is okay, just really bad whip lash and seat belt/airbag burns. She'll be sore for a few days. Luckily it wasn't her fault at all, but it still sucks - poor girl is having a crappy week.

 

Thanks again for the replies, it is comforting to know others have survived similar situations.

-A

[YellowShark]

Of course she begs and pleads. It's part of her con game. But her ACTIONS speak louder than her words. Too bad if she cries, too bad about what *she* wants. And having a rough childhood does not give her a free pass to drive a frikkin bus over you. That is a really lame rationalization. And too bad about her car, karma is a bitch.

 

You wouldn't keep and employee on who steals from you company. So don't keep a life partner who lies, cheats, and makes empty promises. Trust me she will re-offend. She's a serial cheater.

[reboot]

You teach people how to treat you.

[GLDheart]

...I read about so many similar situations, but many of them are compounded with young children – I feel selfish for even talking with people who have gone through this with kids...

 

 

I wanted to offer you one more thing that I have learned from my experience:

 

Lot's of people have tried to "make me feel better" about what I have had to go through. However, I am completely sick of hearing "It could always be worse!"... to that all I can think of is "No $hit. Thanks."

 

Thanks for making me feel like I am being selfish for even feeling this pain.. because you know somewhere some guy just had his legs blown off stepping on a landmine... or some woman was just raped in some chaotic nightmare part of the world....

 

YES. We get it. It can be worse. But I have learned to just accept this personal suffering for what it is. Do not feel guilt. You are entitled to your pain. Maybe it could be worse... but it can also be better... and if you allow yourself healthy room to feel the pain for what it is, You will heal, and it WILL be better.

[standtall]

Tall blue eyed..my best formula for getting over a cheater...another woman. enjoy!

[Tallblueyed]

I'll bet she even says that she knows she doesn't deserve you but then begs you not to leave her.

 

I have turned my living room upside down - where on earth did you hide the microphone

[Tallblueyed]

You teach people how to treat you.

 

I think I understand.

 

My whole life I have strived to lead by example. In the marriage I always tried to be the best man possible, thinking that she would reciprocate with equal fidelity. In SO MANY other ways she reciprocated, I have absolutely no other complaints or problems - just this big whopper.

 

Not sure if this is in line with your statement, maybe you can expound a little bit.

[Tallblueyed]

I wanted to offer you one more thing that I have learned from my experience:

 

Lot's of people have tried to "make me feel better" about what I have had to go through. However, I am completely sick of hearing "It could always be worse!"... to that all I can think of is "No $hit. Thanks."

 

Thanks for making me feel like I am being selfish for even feeling this pain.. because you know somewhere some guy just had his legs blown off stepping on a landmine... or some woman was just raped in some chaotic nightmare part of the world....

 

YES. We get it. It can be worse. But I have learned to just accept this personal suffering for what it is. Do not feel guilt. You are entitled to your pain. Maybe it could be worse... but it can also be better... and if you allow yourself healthy room to feel the pain for what it is, You will heal, and it WILL be better.

Thanks, it does feel like the entire world is collapsing around me.

 

But I do feel and recognize that it could be worse - after all, it is just me and there are not little ones counting on me making the right decision. Just our precious dogs that we both love to death. Silly as it sounds, it will devastate either of us (and them) to not be together.

[Tallblueyed]

Tall blue eyed..my best formula for getting over a cheater...another woman. enjoy!

 

Sure sounds like a nice prescription, but I want to feel all the weight of this; but I would be lying if I didn't say I thought about escaping with your advice.

[2sure]

Consider seeing a doctor regarding your current state of depression and anxiety. I took meds during the depression, just temporarily, and have to say they helped thru the hardest part. Which is the start of leaving.

[reboot]

I think I understand.

 

My whole life I have strived to lead by example. In the marriage I always tried to be the best man possible, thinking that she would reciprocate with equal fidelity. In SO MANY other ways she reciprocated, I have absolutely no other complaints or problems - just this big whopper.

 

Not sure if this is in line with your statement, maybe you can expound a little bit.

 

She does beg and plead to work it out, and I have given in to that in the past.

 

And she knows you'll give in to it in the future.

[funlady]

My business is suffering, my self-esteem is non-existent and my self-image is worthless (despite people telling me that I am extremely good looking). I feel like I am going to cave at any minute and tell her she can stay (she is looking for a place to stay as we speak).

 

 

Relationships are hard BUT you should NEVER at any point be feeling what you're feeling. I think ( I am no therapist) that you have made your decision and now you just have to make it happen. Hang in there. The second this is over you will feel great. Don't take her back, unless you want to do this every 10 years until the day you die.

[2sure]

The only way you can stay married to this woman is if you can become indifferent to her cheating.

 

You knew you would have to do this even before you looked in her logs.

 

It's freaking hard to leave someone you love. But you have to do it anyway. Day at a time...but don't change direction.

[Tallblueyed]

Consider seeing a doctor regarding your current state of depression and anxiety. I took meds during the depression, just temporarily, and have to say they helped thru the hardest part. Which is the start of leaving.

I have thought a lot about this; I am hoping that IC will help, but if not I am going to look into some med's. I especially am concerned about my lack of focus/ambition for my business, I won't be able to recover if it failed (and I wouldn't ever forgive myself).

[2sure]

I had never used meds for anything. But my xH infidelities, the divorce, it was making me...not myself. It was too much, it was like I couldn't make decisions or didn't want to. The meds helped. Nothing major, but it let me carry on ya know?

[hypersonic]

I am going through a similar situation with wife having cheated on me and finding out through some computer investigation. I had some previous history of depression and started taking a couple of antidepressants and also started going to a counselor to help me talk through things and this has a been a great help. A lot of the time I knew what the answer to my question is but don't want to acknowledge it and the counselor helps "lead" you to the answer.

As far as the self esteem issue, I know where you are brother! My self esteem is so low that whale ***** looks like shooting stars The thing you have to understand is that you could've been gods gift to women and she would STILL have cheated on you. I firmly believe that cheating creates a kind of addiction in the cheater and they become hooked on the rush, the secrecy, and the feeling of getting away with something. Every marriage has issues but no one is "forced" to cheating.

Sorry, I don't know how coherent this was...

[Tallblueyed]

I am going through a similar situation with wife having cheated on me and finding out through some computer investigation. I had some previous history of depression and started taking a couple of antidepressants and also started going to a counselor to help me talk through things and this has a been a great help. A lot of the time I knew what the answer to my question is but don't want to acknowledge it and the counselor helps "lead" you to the answer.

As far as the self esteem issue, I know where you are brother! My self esteem is so low that whale ***** looks like shooting stars The thing you have to understand is that you could've been gods gift to women and she would STILL have cheated on you. I firmly believe that cheating creates a kind of addiction in the cheater and they become hooked on the rush, the secrecy, and the feeling of getting away with something. Every marriage has issues but no one is "forced" to cheating.

Sorry, I don't know how coherent this was...

Plenty coherent. Sorry to hear you are going through the same thing.

 

It is so confusing because she constantly repeats how wonderful I am and how I mean the world to her..."blah blah blah" is all I hear now, it just makes me mad to hear it now.

 

I explained to her that I am sure lucky that none of the OM stacked up {sarcasm}. It would make more sense to me if these guys were 'better' than me; but I "am the one she wants to be with". I also explained that it must be nice to be able to test the waters to make sure I am up to par. I suppose she thinks that my self-esteem should be flattered that *I* am "still the one"....!? CRAZY MAKING!

 

Today has been filled with me tending to her every need. I am not a monster, but I am a little spiteful that she is in state that needs help. She is pretty banged up from the accident, and her car will be totalled. Mentally I am acute and not feeling swayed, but I know she is enjoying me tending to her needs. She truly is hurt and can barely move, compound this with the insurance companies calling, doctor visits, attorneys, and she does need my assistance. Good news is that she did get lined up to go stay at her cousins...only to get in the wreck 1/2 mile from their house.

[hypersonic]

I know you're trying to do this only to have the wreck interfere but you need to get her away from you! Cheaters are very good at pulling the emotional strings and making you feel how they want you to feel. Get some space and when she's trying to screw with your head then go back and look at some of the emails or texts she sent to the OM.

[2sure]

When he would tell me how wonderful I was.....it would make me angry in light of what he had done to wonderful me.

[Tallblueyed]

I know you're trying to do this only to have the wreck interfere but you need to get her away from you! Cheaters are very good at pulling the emotional strings and making you feel how they want you to feel. Get some space and when she's trying to screw with your head then go back and look at some of the emails or texts she sent to the OM.

 

Your advice is spot on! In fact, I have some emails printed that I have never read, ready for visual consumption the second I waiver. I am certain that they will quash any uncertainty.

 

They are hanging in the hallway in red framed glass case embroidered with, "In case of insanity BREAK GLASS!"

[hypersonic]

"In case of insanity BREAK GLASS!"

 

Hilarious! Mine is an email she sent to one of her boyfriends (there were three eventually) the NIGHT before we got married saying how much she loved him and she was going to dream about them having sex...ugh

[Athena]

I am saddened to read your story. All too much I understand what you are going through.

I just want to say a few things... first, that she is NOT like you in love... when she says she loves you, yeah, she does as far as she is able in her own way but not in the way you love.

 

Also, it's inevitable that you get to be damaged and broken to your core -- this attack on your very person, on your worthiness, on your soul, came from the person you loved and trusted most... your wife.

 

The only way you will begin to heal (and you will heal ... even I did... though it took me many, many, many years to do so, but I was SO stubborn and tried to love him back to normality which in turn delayed my own disengagement and healing) is when you finally detach.

 

I KNOW what you must be thinking -- that you don't want to disengage and detach your heart from hers, right? That THAT is the ONLY thing you don't want to do... I used to wish on every shooting star, all my birthday candles, and even in my dreams, to have my marriage work out and be whole and my husband faithful and loving, but no, that didn't come to pass, do you know why? -- same reason as why your wife can't do that fully -- because they are simply incapable.

 

They don't have the wiring that is needed to fully love and honor and respect you as a spouse. They are lacking certain things in their character and they definitely lack empathy. You probably have not realized this, but think about it -- empathy doesn't come naturally to her, does it? She may have learned to vocalize empathy, but doesn't actually feel it.

 

You, on the other hand, have something that I can bet on! You probably have very high and distinct traits for loving, forgiveness, faithfulness and for loyalty...these are what binds you to a person like her (who is not good for you). These 'supertraits' of yours (as Sandra Brown, author of 'Dangerous Men' calls them) are the superglue that keep you firmly bound to a person of deceit... and they play on your traits.

 

Think about it -- most other men would not tolerate that kind of behavior from their wives. Those men would have dumped and divorced their wives waaay back when. But here you are, because of your super kind and special traits, you are stuck giving her chance after chance when she doesn't deserve any.

 

Whether you divorce or not (and I strongly suggest you do), you absolutely must begin to detach your heart from her. When she cries that she loves you, it is not in the right way, not in the normal way... she is defective in that way and can never do right by you. Sticking by her will only break you down further.

 

If you had married a different woman, you could have been a very strong man with those supertraits of yours.... but these traits are like magnets to people like her.... they target you and they use them against you to break you down and destroy you.