Strength to leave WS

[Tallblueyed]

Hilarious! Mine is an email she sent to one of her boyfriends (there were three eventually) the NIGHT before we got married saying how much she loved him and she was going to dream about them having sex...ugh

 

Omg, damn. That is a rough one, I imagine that provides lots of fuel when you are feeling weak and vulnerable. My heart aches to think of the pain you must have when rereading that.

[Tallblueyed]

If you had married a different woman, you could have been a very strong man with those supertraits of yours.... but these traits are like magnets to people like her.... they target you and they use them against you to break you down and destroy you.

 

Thank you for such a strong reply. Your words hit home; the last part moved me to tears. I often think about another life I may have had if I'd stuck to my guns the first time ten years ago.

[CopingGal]

You teach people how to treat you.

 

 

I did not teach my ex how to teat me. I was trying to with couple's therapy, but he just went to shut me up and then did stuff behind my back. Should have left him the 1st time he seriously disrespected me, but I did not . They he disrespected me again, big time, then again, then again and with every time I tried to understand him, made excuses for him, tried to be good for him.

 

Well no more, damnit. It's not like they take and you give so that they can appreciate it and change. It's they take, you give, they take more, you give more. It never stops until you put your damn foot down. Which is what I did. I left. you can do it too.

[reboot]

It never stops until you put your damn foot down.

 

At last someone gets my point.

[Tallblueyed]

I think I had my first anxiety attack (ever) this afternoon. With her being injured and needing so much support I feel like I can't make any progress. I just need one day to be better than the previous - then I would feel some hope. Today I just felt the same old, "she needs me, I am there for her" scenario. Don't get me wrong, she actually does need my help right now, but I am SO ready to take the next step in my recovery.

 

Plus I couldn't go to the office yesterday or today, so that is adding to my anxiety.

 

I have an appointment with a IC on Monday; and after this afternoons attack I plan on going to my Dr. to get something to help 'even me out'. I don't feel I have a choice in the matter, I am going to have a complete breakdown and go catatonic and drool all over (while rocking back and forth repeating, "I am a pretty white bunny") :bunny:

 

I am getting out of the house tomorrow and going to a BBQ (without her) - hopefully that will give me some serenity.

[KatZee]

It is NO EXCUSE, but she has had a very rough past that includes abuse, neglect, and abandonment; and she doesn't play those cards, but mentally I do.

 

There are many people who have rough pasts like this. I being one of them. I have horrible memories. But I don't go out and cheat on people over and over and over. I don't continuously hurt those who have stood by my side through thick and thin.

 

These are just excuses. Stop making excuses. She is making the choice to do what she does, and then when she's caught the crocodile tears come out. Where were those tears when she was out screwing this co-worker? Where was this pain, and desire for forgiveness when she was sneaking on the computer sending emails or on the phone sending sexual text messages?

 

She's desperate because she was caught. That's it. Take her back, or bend to her will again, and she will put on her little innocent act until you catch her again. This will be a repeat performance, over and over and over. She's proven herself to be an habitual cheater. Not a "one time I made a mistake and I never did it again" cheater.

 

Can you really see yourself going another 10 years.. 20 years? thinking about her infidelities? You are slowly killing yourself. Just look at what being with her has reduced you to. A shell. A weak, pathetic, insecure, clingy, and needy individual. The second you free yourself from this toxic human being is the second you will regain your worth, and your dignity, and a sense of respect for yourself. Yes, it's been 14 years... but you still have many years ahead of you. Do not settle for less than what you're worth. Full on D. For your own sake and sanity.

[KathyM]

She doesn't value you or your marriage enough to be faithful. If she did, she would not risk it. She doesn't love you enough to stay away from other men. A marriage cannot recover when one of the partners can't control themselves, and she has proven herself to be someone that doesn't want to control herself. She wants the freedom to bang other men, therefore she should be single. A single lifestyle is what she is suited for--not a committed lifestyle. Trying to change someone into something they are not (committed and monogamous) is an exercise in futility, and you will drive yourself crazy trying. Allow this person to live the lifestyle that she is most suited to, as a single person, and then seek out someone who actually shares your values and wants what you want. If you continue to take her back, you will forever be a slave to policing her comings and goings, her communications, her moods, and that is no way for a married person to live. The sooner you accept the reality that she is not going to change, the sooner you can get on with your life and find someone who shares your values and level of commitment. She may have had a rough childhood and that caused her to have impulse control issues, but if those impulses involve infidelity, then that should be a dealbreaker. You can't make a marriage work with someone who is incapable of being trustworthy.

[Tallblueyed]

Thank you for your directness KathyM & KatZee. I need to hear the cold unfiltered reality of my situation.

 

She is going to be moving out this weekend. I am looking forward to starting down my path of recovery, but I know that it will be a bag of mixed emotions - 14 years of ignorant bliss is going to take its toll on me.

 

I am such a creature of habit and am concentrating on setting up healthy patterns. I am feeling SO tempted to eat junk, but I won't sacrifice all of my hard work for a short sugar high.

[evryrozhasitsthorn]

Is it easy to install these spy loggers? I want to get out of my marriage soon, but I want ammo to take the kids from her. Can you do it on an iPad? A cell phone? Cheaters should be lined up and shot and this world would be a better place. I know that sounds cruel and maybe communist, but it doesn't take long on this forum to realize that these spouses with no character are causing too much pain!!

[evryrozhasitsthorn]

Ijhgfghjkmn

[Tallblueyed]

Ijhgfghjkmn

Seriously?

It's called Google, this thread is not about key logging.

Thank you for your respect.

[evryrozhasitsthorn]

Got a little carried away. Best to you in all seriousness. Cheating destroys a part of you. There's a song by 3doors down that has a line in it "part of me is fighting this, but part of me is gone". I think that is the best way to describe the feeling. The more you have to fight to regain your sanity, self-respect, etc....the more you lose. It's like cancer, the sooner you can get rid of the tumor the more chance you have of surviving.

[evryrozhasitsthorn]

I am saddened to read your story. All too much I understand what you are going through.

I just want to say a few things... first, that she is NOT like you in love... when she says she loves you, yeah, she does as far as she is able in her own way but not in the way you love.

 

Also, it's inevitable that you get to be damaged and broken to your core -- this attack on your very person, on your worthiness, on your soul, came from the person you loved and trusted most... your wife.

 

The only way you will begin to heal (and you will heal ... even I did... though it took me many, many, many years to do so, but I was SO stubborn and tried to love him back to normality which in turn delayed my own disengagement and healing) is when you finally detach.

 

I KNOW what you must be thinking -- that you don't want to disengage and detach your heart from hers, right? That THAT is the ONLY thing you don't want to do... I used to wish on every shooting star, all my birthday candles, and even in my dreams, to have my marriage work out and be whole and my husband faithful and loving, but no, that didn't come to pass, do you know why? -- same reason as why your wife can't do that fully -- because they are simply incapable.

 

They don't have the wiring that is needed to fully love and honor and respect you as a spouse. They are lacking certain things in their character and they definitely lack empathy. You probably have not realized this, but think about it -- empathy doesn't come naturally to her, does it? She may have learned to vocalize empathy, but doesn't actually feel it.

 

You, on the other hand, have something that I can bet on! You probably have very high and distinct traits for loving, forgiveness, faithfulness and for loyalty...these are what binds you to a person like her (who is not good for you). These 'supertraits' of yours (as Sandra Brown, author of 'Dangerous Men' calls them) are the superglue that keep you firmly bound to a person of deceit... and they play on your traits.

 

Think about it -- most other men would not tolerate that kind of behavior from their wives. Those men would have dumped and divorced their wives waaay back when. But here you are, because of your super kind and special traits, you are stuck giving her chance after chance when she doesn't deserve any.

 

Whether you divorce or not (and I strongly suggest you do), you absolutely must begin to detach your heart from her. When she cries that she loves you, it is not in the right way, not in the normal way... she is defective in that way and can never do right by you. Sticking by her will only break you down further.

 

If you had married a different woman, you could have been a very strong man with those supertraits of yours.... but these traits are like magnets to people like her.... they target you and they use them against you to break you down and destroy you.

 

Athena, this post is so true to my experience, it's really scary. Is the content of what you're explaining here from the book you reference? You have very eloquently articulated a very true but sad reality.

[TracyM]

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I am going through something similar right now as well. It's really not easy at all. But I finally made the choice to try and be happy, learn more about myself. Especially since I felt the same way, soul is gone, nothing left, not sure who I was anymore.

I told him to leave my home 10 months ago now, and he still bothers me, harrasses me. even with a restraining order - but we have a daughter together she is 2 1/2 and she means the world to me.

I know she loves her daddy and I would never interrupt their relationship. But I also feel guilt, guilt for feeling like I didn't try harder to get thim to "try" to fix things together. He wouldn't, and didn't think I would end it. So things just got swept under the rug as well.

I should have known way before we even got married. But I wanted a family, a normal life.

He lied to me in the beginning, kept things from me before our marriage, took my father's inheritance when he passed suddenly two years ago in order to pay off the IRS from "before" we were even together. Many many wrong things have happened. And I kept trying, and trying. And the guilt kept me there. But like you, my work was suffering, my "self" was suffering.

You are doing the right thing! And so am I. Keep strong, stick to your guns, things will NOT change. Unfortunately they never do.

Only YOU have the strength to change and I hope you find yourself once again, find some happiness.

[Tallblueyed]

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I am going through something similar right now as well. It's really not easy at all. But I finally made the choice to try and be happy, learn more about myself. Especially since I felt the same way, soul is gone, nothing left, not sure who I was anymore.

I told him to leave my home 10 months ago now, and he still bothers me, harrasses me. even with a restraining order - but we have a daughter together she is 2 1/2 and she means the world to me.

I know she loves her daddy and I would never interrupt their relationship. But I also feel guilt, guilt for feeling like I didn't try harder to get thim to "try" to fix things together. He wouldn't, and didn't think I would end it. So things just got swept under the rug as well.

I should have known way before we even got married. But I wanted a family, a normal life.

He lied to me in the beginning, kept things from me before our marriage, took my father's inheritance when he passed suddenly two years ago in order to pay off the IRS from "before" we were even together. Many many wrong things have happened. And I kept trying, and trying. And the guilt kept me there. But like you, my work was suffering, my "self" was suffering.

You are doing the right thing! And so am I. Keep strong, stick to your guns, things will NOT change. Unfortunately they never do.

Only YOU have the strength to change and I hope you find yourself once again, find some happiness.

Thanks for your words of encouragement and well wishes.

Have you felt progress in 'finding yourself' in the last 10 months? I am really not looking forward to digging myself out of this emotional hole.

 

She did move out this last weekend. It is very strange, because it hasn't "hit" me yet (only been a couple days though). She has respected my request for no contact. We had to talk briefly today about the car being totaled and getting a new one - but it was strictly business and nothing more. I don't want to come across mean or short with her, but I feel compelled to protect myself from any potential emotional conversations.

 

We have each started telling people in our lives - which brings another sense of reality. Our friends are all great and very supportive of both of us. Neither of us are throwing mud at one another, so hopefully everything will stay civil and we can both fix ourselves.

[andyg99]

Thank you for such a strong reply. Your words hit home; the last part moved me to tears. I often think about another life I may have had if I'd stuck to my guns the first time ten years ago.

 

athena gave you some great advice... don't consider for one more moment the life you could have had - look at the life you can have - you can and will be fine witout her, learn to be on your own first, start making changes then when you are ready you'll have a better chance avoiding someone like her - your wife has zero respect for you.... the type of guy described in athena's post was me 17 years ago - I was with a cheater but found the strength (opened my eyes) to let her go, you can do the same....

[TracyM]

Thanks for your words of encouragement and well wishes.

Have you felt progress in 'finding yourself' in the last 10 months? I am really not looking forward to digging myself out of this emotional hole.

 

She did move out this last weekend. It is very strange, because it hasn't "hit" me yet (only been a couple days though). She has respected my request for no contact. We had to talk briefly today about the car being totaled and getting a new one - but it was strictly business and nothing more. I don't want to come across mean or short with her, but I feel compelled to protect myself from any potential emotional conversations.

 

We have each started telling people in our lives - which brings another sense of reality. Our friends are all great and very supportive of both of us. Neither of us are throwing mud at one another, so hopefully everything will stay civil and we can both fix ourselves.

 

Dear Tall... Yes I am starting to find myself - it does take a while. Now I know that on your end its a different story - and that I made the choice to end it because it was not a healthy relationship for me or my children to witness. So I really do not have feelings for this person any longer, only because of the way he treated me for the last year of us being together. So it may be a bit easier for me to "emotionlly dig myself out". But its a must. In order to MOVE forward you have to look inward. Stop thinking about why me... stop thinking towards her ill feelings. Just learn from this life lesson and move forward. Be strong, find little things that make YOU happy. If its reading.. do it. If its a hobby.. do it. If you need to just get away on a vacation.. do it. Now is the time for YOU. Do not use your energy for her any longer.

I am not sure how you feel about reading but I can tell you about a very good book that will help you get out of this RUT -

I got it for my Android phone/Ipad - Play Books (digital)

Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself by Joe Dispenza - Lose your mind and create a new one.

It's VERY good - only because at this stage of my life I understand that I am the cause of what happens to me not others. We all choose the experiences that have happened in our life - be it consciously or subconsciouly and due to feeding our bodies with the same patterns in life we have to make an internal change.

I am very interested to hear about your progress as I feel I am going through this type of thing myself.

Good Luck!

Tracy

[The Tallest One]

Tallblueeyed, I was with my ex wife for twelve plus years (lived together for almost six years, then married for six and a half). We were always faithful to each other so in this case, I can't really relate.

 

But as far as your self esteem and self worth being pretty much nonexistant, I am in the same boat. My last gf have virtually destroyed my self respect, sense of self worth and self esteem. She really has messed with my head and heart and I too look forward to just hitting the sack in hopes of just escaping the pain.

 

We both deserve to be loved and respected and you say that her cheating is the only real issue you have with her, but trust to me is the most important quality or issue in any relationship. Without trust, what do you have?

 

There is never ever any excuse for anyone cheating on there spouse or partner, ever!!! You are too kind and consider her feelings more than your own. It's time you take care of yourself and your feelings and not worry so much about her. Do you think when she was cheating, she was worrying about you? Don't think so my friend!

 

In the very least, give yourself the gift of time apart to gain more healthy perspective, you owe it to yourself. Keep in touch, we all really care!

[Tallblueyed]

Do not use your energy for her any longer.

 

Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself by Joe Dispenza - Lose your mind and create a new one.

 

I am very interested to hear about your progress as I feel I am going through this type of thing myself.

Good Luck!

Tracy

Thanks Tracy. I will check out that book and keep you posted.

In the very least, give yourself the gift of time apart to gain more healthy perspective, you owe it to yourself. Keep in touch, we all really care!

Thanks for the support fellow Beanstock

I am looking forward to gaining better insight after time has given me a clearer perspective. As she begged me to 'give it time' before I filed for D, I told her that if I could make this choice now (while I felt so low), that time, a better perspective and self esteem is only going to solidify my position - I don't feel an ounce of sway in me and don't expect to. I expect lots of pain and grieving, but not regret.

 

Thanks again for your kind words and support.

[so_difficult]

I can so relate to you, but instead of once every 10 years make it over and over and over again. I'm smart, accomplished, responsible, funny, I'm in great shape and at pushing 50 still have men in their 20s and 30s flirting and trying to pick me up. I'm a good catch! Why do I keep myself mired in this relationship?? When will I get off this rollercoaster??

 

I double CopingGal's post above "should have left him the first time he disrespected me." Hear hear! All of us should take that advice.

 

I wish you the strength to see this through.

[Tallblueyed]

I can so relate to you, but instead of once every 10 years make it over and over and over again. I'm smart, accomplished, responsible, funny, I'm in great shape and at pushing 50 still have men in their 20s and 30s flirting and trying to pick me up. I'm a good catch! Why do I keep myself mired in this relationship?? When will I get off this rollercoaster??

 

I double CopingGal's post above "should have left him the first time he disrespected me." Hear hear! All of us should take that advice.

 

I wish you the strength to see this through.

This psychology is perplexing to me. I don't take sh*t from anyone in any other aspect of my life. I take pride in how I handle conflict in my business; and I don't drag my feet to do it! But when it comes to her I just refused to face the cold reality - I was so ignorant in wearing my blinders.

 

so_difficult, I don't know if you are still in your marriage, but I can tell you that I have felt a strong flicker of self-empowerment this last 3 weeks. I still have a lot to work through (duh), but that little glimmer of self-worth is as valuable as all the gold in Fort Knox. I hope that you are able to find the strength to make that first step; it is the first of many, but we have to trust that we will survive and flourish.

[writergal]

 

Here's what I learned. Look at her actions. Her promises are empty. While I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater, twice a cheater.. ALWAYS a cheater.

 

This. I agree with YellowShark. Your wife's promises and tears are tactical maneuvers to keep you hooked. Totally empty promises on her part. She doesn't respect you, that's obvious. You gave her multiple chances to redeem herself, only to find hard evidence of her habitual cheating behavior with the same co-worker behind your back. That's not love or respect for you.

 

You sound like a good person who has been through the wringer with your wife. I really encourage you to be open about this with your friends and family.

 

There is absolutely no shame in seeking emotional support in real life from people you trust. This is not something anyone should go through alone. Life does not work like that.

 

I feel like I have to pull out the big guns now, with that Barbara Streisand song, "People" to drive home my point about not isolating yourself right now

. Edited July 17, 2012 by writergal

[Tallblueyed]

An update:

 

I have successfully maintained both physical and emotional distance; which gets wider every day. Papers are all filed, she has been very agreeable to the terms, but still contends that the marriage is worth the work and saving.

 

The problem that I have been having is that she still treats this as if it’s all my choice!? Excuse me??? This is NOT my choice; this is a consequence of YOUR choice! I gave up trying to explain this concept to her, as it does not matter in my big picture. I have resigned myself to realizing that she is not going to take true ownership of her actions.

 

My IC is going very good. He is able to articulate things in a way that I clearly understand (he uses a lot of analogies, which resonate with me). I look forward to the future and a time when I can have a new beginning with another (faithful) partner.

[hypersonic]

Interestingly enough, I have experienced the same thing with my (soon to be) ex. I don't know to this day if she believes what she says or if it's just her trying to screw with my head. She keeps trying to paint this picture of me as the bad guy that forced her to leave and ended our marriage and the most she will say is that she "made some bad choices", which is to say the least a colossal understatement. Anyways, you're not alone. Hang in there!

[Kelemvor]

I got married late... after several relationships where I was certain I had found my "soul mate". What I've realized, is that even though every love is special, unique in it's own way, there are PLENTY of women out there that you could have a loving, caring, trusting, connected relationship with, not only the one you are currently married to. I know that's got to be difficult to realize this many years later but that's the brutal reality of the world, social relationships and life. You will meet someone else, I promise you that. You will also look back at all of this and be thrilled 10 years from now that you found the strength to carry you through it.

 

Nobody deserves to be with a serial cheater. You caught her red handed and let's face it... After catching her twice, who knows how many she has had over the years or how long this relationship has been going on. You'll never be able to trust her again and therein lies your problem. It almost destroyed you with obsession the first time, what is it going to do this time? You and I both know you'll key log her computer again and find evidence for a third time at some point. So, it just depends on how much you want to torture yourself.

 

Get close with God, your friends, family, whatever support network you have. Focus on exercise or find something to occupy your spare time. Talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist as you might need brief therapy on anti-depressants. Either way, it sounds like you need out and you'll be happy that you did in a few years.