Relocating is hard to do

[my2cents]

I came to this forum seeking advice, just like everybody else. Reading these posts has been heartbreaking, but it also helps me realize how healthy my own long-distance relationship is. No worries, no fears, no jealousies, no cheating, no fights, no miscommunication, no lapses in communication. Despite the distance, it's been a beautiful affair and I couldn't be more in love. My boyfriend and I have worked very, very hard for over a year now (or longer, counting the span of our secretly-in-love friendship) to develop our commitment and love for each other - and that's why I'm here.

 

I need some practical advice on moving. We're looking for H1B visa sponsorship so that he can move here and we can start our life together. We've been haunting the government sites and the employment sites (Monster, CareerBuilder) - the ususal suspects. But finding work has still been difficult and the quotas are scaring us (only 6300 immigrant workers allowed into the US on an H1B each year). We've looked for a local headhunter and can't find any. Does anyone have any advice in this area?

 

I could also do with some personal advice. The move and the adjustment to a new country, when it happens, is going to be rough for my boyfriend. I'm aware of not being as supportive for him as I should be, but try as I might I'm finding it hard to empathize with his situation. I've never had a problem moving away from home - for me it's always been an adventure and I adapt well to wherever I go (though I do get homesick, it's not chronic). It's different for him, he's the babe of his family and he's used to being nearer to them. How do I better relate to what he's going through? How can I be more sensitive and supportive?

 

(I can predict this question coming so I'll answer it now: Yes, I would love nothing more than to move to be with him. However, it would be even harder for me to find a job in his country than it will be for him to find a job in mine. I also have to finish school, or face the consequences of being badly in debt without a job that pays well enough to get me OUT of debt. If it comes down to it, I'll move to be with him after I graduate and have some decent job skills. But that's at least 3 years off and we both agree that 3 years is too long to wait.

 

Speaking of poverty, I'd appreciate any advice on how to be an equal partner despite of it. I feel awful that he's always the one to visit and always the one to phone. He spends so much money on me when I have none to spend on even myself. It's embarrassing and painful. I just want to be able to show him how much I love him and would do anything for him. I know that sounds so materialistic, but... sometimes material outpourings really do make all the difference.)

 

Thanks so much for providing this forum, I look forward to any responses!

[Suzi]

That is so wonderful that you have a healthy long-distance relationship and that you are so much in love.

 

 

I need some practical advice on moving.

We're looking for H1B visa sponsorship so that he can move here and we can start our life together.

 

Why not F1? What is his specialization? The best is to contact directly the prospective companies, institutions or organizations where your partner could work. It all depends on his job skills.

 

 

I could also do with some personal advice. The move and the adjustment to a new country, when it happens, is going to be rough for my boyfriend. I'm aware of not being as supportive for him as I should be, but try as I might I'm finding it hard to empathize with his situation. I've never had a problem moving away from home - for me it's always been an adventure and I adapt well to wherever I go (though I do get homesick, it's not chronic). It's different for him, he's the babe of his family and he's used to being nearer to them. How do I better relate to what he's going through? How can I be more sensitive and supportive?

 

The problem is bigger here. Move and the adjustment are a personal thing… It varies from person to person. Family! ? How does he imagine living far from family? What does his family think about him moving far? You could just spend more vacations with his family, or don’t be against him going to see them often if he wants to.

If your and his love is strong, and I believe it’s the case from what you write, then everything is going to be fine. IT just might take time. You could learn his culture and language if it is different.

 

(I can predict this question coming so I'll answer it now: Yes, I would love nothing more than to move to be with him. However, it would be even harder for me to find a job in his country than it will be for him to find a job in mine. I also have to finish school, or face the consequences of being badly in debt without a job that pays well enough to get me OUT of debt. If it comes down to it, I'll move to be with him after I graduate and have some decent job skills. But that's at least 3 years off and we both agree that 3 years is too long to wait.

 

3 years are long. You should try to find a way. Though it is goes fast when you have big goals. Wish you good luck.

 

Speaking of poverty, I'd appreciate any advice on how to be an equal partner despite of it. I feel awful that he's always the one to visit and always the one to phone. He spends so much money on me when I have none to spend on even myself. It's embarrassing and painful. I just want to be able to show him how much I love him and would do anything for him. I know that sounds so materialistic, but... sometimes material outpourings really do make all the difference.)

 

 

I can understand you point here very well. It is not at all pleasure to be not equal partner, but…this is just temporary thing, you are on right way, and you do your best! Many women feel comfortable with it. I don’t. Things have been changed surprisingly

for me. I worked hard for it. Trust me they will be changed for you too.

Main thing is you have met the one you want to share your life with. Distances, immigration, job, money, family are just small barriers to pass when you do it together and with love.

[Hexenturm]

My fiance and I had the same problem you are facing. I would say if you are really serious about the relationship and the visa sponsorship just isn't working out, to screw it and get married. Then he will get get a work permit when you bring him back to the US as your husband if everything goes alright with immigration otherwise. I get one virtually automatically here in Germany when I marry a German national with a lot less stress and paperwork then visa versa (one of the two major reasons I moved to Germany instead of him coming to the US).

 

And yes, moving away from your own country is VERY stressful, even if the cultures are somewhat similar. I am speaking from first hand experience, but I truely believe that the relationship is worth it, so I suck it up. And my fiance does whatever he can to make my life here a little easier, and it is nice.

[Hexenturm]

I would also suggest learning how to cook his favorite foods and specialities from his country. Learn about the culture and its holidays. Also, I agree with the other poster, and try to learn the language if it is different and traveling as often as possible to his home country. Ask him about what it is you could do exactly to help him out with his transition.

[my2cents]

Thanks so much for all the advice, I do appreciate it.

 

The language and cultural barriers are not strong. (He's in the UK and I'm in the US.) The barrier is more an emotional one, my needing to empathize with him better. But that is improving already, I think. Just the realization that I wasn't being supportive enough has made a world of difference, as I can now do something about it.

 

As for the visas, I just don't know!

 

He brought up the F1 visa recently and it's a good alternative, but I selfishly don't want to have to wait one more academic year (or two) for him. I need to be more patient, huh? And less selfish. I know. I'm working on it. But I'm afraid of drifting apart, and I'm afraid of what the next elections will bring (it seems like this country is becoming xenophobic every year, and more reluctant to allow foreign workers in). And then, I don't think that he should have to attend the same school just to be with me, but if he attends another (more suitable) school in another state that would be missing the point. It's a catch-22.

 

The fiancé visa, meanwhile, is out of the question because we're a couple of 'progressives' who don't want to marry. (Actually, I wouldn't mind 'exploiting' it, but he doesn't want it to exploit us, if you see what I mean.)

 

It's just so frustrating.

[my2cents]

Oh, as for his family - I have no problems with him seeing them as often as he needs, and I look forward to meeting them myself. (They seem like lovely people.) As it is I wish there was some magical solution that would allow us to move all our families together to one place.

 

Reading what I wrote before about my own family/move I see now that I was 'lying' to myself. Moving away was not as easy as I said it was, and I still get very homesick. I haven't seen my own mother in two years and my siblings in three. It isn't that we don't love each other dearly; it's just that we're scattered to the four corners of the continent and we don't have the money to get together regularly. I have the same feelings of longing and homesickness that my boyfriend will have - IF he moves here - I just repress them in the hopes they'll go away. That's not healthy.

[Hexenturm]

There is no magical solution to your problem. One of you will have to leave their own country to pursue the relationship. That is just the nature of an international romance. I wouldn't be so quick to assume that there aren't a lot of cultural barriers between the UK and the US. I was to the UK a few months ago for the first time and I was rather surprised myself how different Americans and Brits really are even though we share the same language. It isn't the difference between and American and a Saudi, but it is a distinct difference. The problem with the other two visas is that they aren't permenent and are totally dependent on if you are student or have a job. If you lose the job or aren't a student anymore, then you have to pack up and go home. The process to get a green card here without marriage is very, very long. Years and maybe then he'll still have to pack up all his stuff and get deported at the end of it anyway (yes, these horror stories do exist). These are your choices if you don't want to marry. They suck, but that's life. For me and my fiance, we probably would have waited a lot longer to get married if our countries would allow us to live togther without having to marry, but that just isn't the case. The woman I work with now had no intentions of marrying her LONG time boyfriend (like 10+ years). But when work took him to Indonesia, she got tired quick of having to fly back to Germany every 6 months becacuse she could only get a tourist visa and having nothing to do Indonesia for the other 6 months of the year because she couldn't work. There were also lots of problems with health insurance and taxes and so on. Marriage didn't seem so horrible when faced with the prospect of 5 or 6 more years of having to live apart half the year and keeping two houses in countries thousands of miles apart. They were against the idea of marriage, but in the end it was just the best solution, and they are still very happily married many years later.

 

I think that you will just have to ask yourself which is more important. The idea that marriage is a horrible, worthless, exploitive institution or having a closer relationship with your boyfriend. I am sure you love him, but as long as you don't believe in marriage, maybe it is best to leave international romance alone unless they are already here on their own long term visas. Sucks, but I don't make the laws.