Where do you draw the line on family responsibilities?

[Thinkalot]

Hi all. Many of you know the situation my mum is in. Owns a big house, but has no cash flow, and is struggling financially. I'm not. So I struggle with guilt. I'm also the only child, and have in the past helped mum out, and she of course, has helped me out.

 

Now though, I'm engaged, have my own goals, and can't fix mum's problems.

 

On top of this, she is looking after HER mum. My grandma is suffering dementia, and can't remember a lot of things. Her short term memory is bad. She's also demanding, and lonely. She lives around the corner from mum, in a retirement unit, and still does her own cooking etc. She has always been a controlling sort of mother with mum, putting on guilt trips etc. Now that she is old, she still does that...only it's worse, because she actually is old, and in greater need. We don't even know sometimes when she's for real, and just demanding attention.

 

She calls mum every day...maybe 7 times during the day. Mum takes her shopping, and out to lunches etc. Grandma still complains she doesn't see her enough.

 

I've just got off the phone to mum. I'm very close to her, and find it hard when she's down. She also tends to get depressed. I was feeling good...and now feel flattened after speaking to mum, and listening to her concerns about whether or not she may have to sell her house, and also about grandma.

 

Grandma is a big responsibility. I visit her SOMETIMES. I usually spend friday's at mum's place (about 45mins from me). I don't often see Grandma on that day, because I spend it with mum, who enjoys the rest, and together time with me. Before I know it, it's the end of the day, and I'm heading back home. I spend Saturday's with my fiance, as that is our one day off together ( i work sun-thurs). Sometimes we stay at mum's place, as it is so beautiful by the beach. He's so busy, he uses the time then to rest and take time out.

 

Mum says she needs help, and for Dad, and by implication, my fiance and I, to do more with Grandma...like outings, shopping etc.

 

I can certainly do that sometimes on a Friday, and even a saturday. But often, we are away, or busy....and next year we'll be married, and not long after, setting off on our around Australia travels. What then? How will mum cope?

 

I often suffer guilt, and think, "Am I a selfish daughter/grandaughter?" Do I not do enough? Is it wrong that I have money, a man, and lots of travel plans, while Mum does not have those things?"

 

Some outside perspective, advice and opinions would help here please.

[meanon]

Thinkalot, you are not selfish . You and your Mum are at different stages in your life, there was a time when she had the world at her feet too. She wouldn't want to take that away from you and it's beyond your powers to fix her life so the guilt is pointless, all it does is make you feel confused about where to draw the line.

 

I had similar problems, I don't think there are any easy answers. You and need time together, that's a priority. That leaves the time you spend with your Mum. Involve her in planning how much of it you spend with your Grandma as it's her that has asked for help. There may well be practical things you can take over that are not very time consuming but relieve some of the responsibility from your Mum. If your Grandma is not too ill to form new friendships, that's an option too. When you visit her, look out for others in the retirement unit and involve them in your activities occasionally. One of the best things I ever did for my Grandma was introducing her to an elderly neighbour of mine who was also very lonely. They were inseparable for many years.

[Thinkalot]

Thank you so much meanon! Your words are always a comfort.

[meanon]

Thanks