Need support

[Sweetheart9007]

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting here and I hope I can get some feedback from you regarding my issue.

I came to this country 11 years ago from a conservative country where the woman is supposed to take care of her husband. I was 17 when I came to the U.S. I got my bachelor and my master from a very good school. I met my husband in my junior year and we started long distance relationship since he was in a different state. I used to fly to see him once a month and we talked daily. He is originally from the same country. After I finished school we got married. After a year or so he started nagging me about having a child and I refused and problems started like him being moody, getting upset over the stupidiest thing. So I decided to get pregnant after 2 years from our marriage maybe that will solve our issues. Wrong!! It did not, I never felt appreciated during pregnancy or after, he was always an angry person, very negative, and never happy. Two years after my son was born I got a very good job and I started making more money than him. I swear since that day things got even worse. He will pick a fight with me over nothing. For example, if I say something sarcastically like how he does not help, he will start yelling, telling me that I disrespect him, and I do not see him a man, blah bla, he will scream in front of my son who is now 4.5. He does not do anything around the house, we both work full time, and I swear sometimes I purposely do not clean to see if he will get off his ass and pick up his clothes nope he will not. I come home from work since he is the one who picks up my son, and he is lying in the couch with the computer in his lap and the remote in one hand and feeding my son crap like chicken nugget. If I say something, he will be like if I wanted a roommate or 50/50, I will not get married or I would of married a white girl.

Also, it has been 3 years he sleeps in a separate room and will come up with any excuse such as he snores, he is used to sleeping alone now and cannot change. We have sex once a month just because I am the one asking for it. Last time I tried initiating sex and he said no he is upset at me and for him to have sex he needs to be happy WTF. The reason for him not happy that time because he wanted to go out and I said I need you to help me clean today do that I can also go out tomorrow. His answer was : listen I do not need your permission to go anywhere but you need my permission, I said it is not about permission it is about supporting and helping me, and he was like back again to 50/50. By the way I am very attractive, fit ( size 6), excellent in bed ( as he said). I do not know what to do I am very lonely here since I do not have family or friends and I do not want my son to live without a father. Whenever we have an argument he will twist everything and make me the guilty one on how I am not like other women and I disrespect him.

[Shaun-Dro]

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting here and I hope I can get some feedback from you regarding my issue.

I came to this country 11 years ago from a conservative country where the woman is supposed to take care of her husband. I was 17 when I came to the U.S. I got my bachelor and my master from a very good school. I met my husband in my junior year and we started long distance relationship since he was in a different state. I used to fly to see him once a month and we talked daily. He is originally from the same country. After I finished school we got married. After a year or so he started nagging me about having a child and I refused and problems started like him being moody, getting upset over the stupidiest thing. So I decided to get pregnant after 2 years from our marriage maybe that will solve our issues. Wrong!! It did not, I never felt appreciated during pregnancy or after, he was always an angry person, very negative, and never happy. Two years after my son was born I got a very good job and I started making more money than him. I swear since that day things got even worse. He will pick a fight with me over nothing. For example, if I say something sarcastically like how he does not help, he will start yelling, telling me that I disrespect him, and I do not see him a man, blah bla, he will scream in front of my son who is now 4.5. He does not do anything around the house, we both work full time, and I swear sometimes I purposely do not clean to see if he will get off his ass and pick up his clothes nope he will not. I come home from work since he is the one who picks up my son, and he is lying in the couch with the computer in his lap and the remote in one hand and feeding my son crap like chicken nugget. If I say something, he will be like if I wanted a roommate or 50/50, I will not get married or I would of married a white girl.

Also, it has been 3 years he sleeps in a separate room and will come up with any excuse such as he snores, he is used to sleeping alone now and cannot change. We have sex once a month just because I am the one asking for it. Last time I tried initiating sex and he said no he is upset at me and for him to have sex he needs to be happy WTF. The reason for him not happy that time because he wanted to go out and I said I need you to help me clean today do that I can also go out tomorrow. His answer was : listen I do not need your permission to go anywhere but you need my permission, I said it is not about permission it is about supporting and helping me, and he was like back again to 50/50. By the way I am very attractive, fit ( size 6), excellent in bed ( as he said). I do not know what to do I am very lonely here since I do not have family or friends and I do not want my son to live without a father. Whenever we have an argument he will twist everything and make me the guilty one on how I am not like other women and I disrespect him.

 

Why dont you send me a personal message and we'll talk. I'm interested in knowing more about you and what you would like to do.

[2sunny]

You've been unhappy from the start. Why not consider divorcing him?

 

Hire a housekeeper - one who will cook dinner while they are there.

[2sunny]

Why dont you send me a personal message and we'll talk. I'm interested in knowing more about you and what you would like to do.

 

This is an odd response... Mainly because she could get advice if you post it - and others can be haloed at the same time - but also she more likely doesn't have PM for many more posts and another month.

[Shaun-Dro]

This is an odd response... Mainly because she could get advice if you post it - and others can be haloed at the same time - but also she more likely doesn't have PM for many more posts and another month.

 

Right, I forgot about the restrictions for new users. Sweetheart can still contact me and we can talk. Just reply to this thread.

[Sweetheart9007]

2sunny- the reason I did not divorce is I am hoping things will change for the sake of my child and because I still have feelings for him.

Shaun- why do you want me to send you a private message? Is there a reason you can not share your thoughts in the forum?

[Shaun-Dro]

2sunny- the reason I did not divorce is I am hoping things will change for the sake of my child and because I still have feelings for him.

Shaun- why do you want me to send you a private message? Is there a reason you can not share your thoughts in the forum?

 

If you're going to be asking more questions instead of just talking to me directly, then good luck. I just wanted to speak with you about this.

[2sunny]

2sunny- the reason I did not divorce is I am hoping things will change for the sake of my child and because I still have feelings for him.

Shaun- why do you want me to send you a private message? Is there a reason you can not share your thoughts in the forum?

 

Change must happen for hope to enter your world. What are YOU planning to change in order to bring about hope?

 

If nothing changes - nothing changes.

 

You must invoke change.

[Shaun-Dro]

Change must happen for hope to enter your world. What are YOU planning to change in order to bring about hope?

 

If nothing changes - nothing changes.

 

You must invoke change.

 

I don't think Sweetheart is serious about this thread. She's only acting on impulse right now, like most women do, and the minute she patches things up with her husband, she'll be gone from Loveshack until another problem arises like this one. This is all child's play to me.

[Stillgrowing]

Yeah, this totally sounds like a probllem she'll just patch up and move on from...sex once a month for the past few years, dh who puts her down, young child, lazy dh not pulling his share.....typical woman crap. That's the one thing that keeps me away from LS even tho Ive gotten some good advice, the people that can't see past their own agendsa/issues long enough to be supportive. Your whole 'just pm me' schtick sounds like you're luring a kid in an alley with candy.

 

OP, you are so btwn a rock and a hard place. I would be seriously looking into counseling and maybe contemplating a trial separation. (

 

Good luck!

[Sweetheart9007]

StillGrowing- I agree about the kid in the ally and not falling for it. Thank you for your support !

I am starting counseling this week as well because I realized that I may go insane and I hit button

[NYC-BigKat]

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting here and I hope I can get some feedback from you regarding my issue.

I came to this country 11 years ago from a conservative country where the woman is supposed to take care of her husband. I was 17 when I came to the U.S. I got my bachelor and my master from a very good school. I met my husband in my junior year and we started long distance relationship since he was in a different state. I used to fly to see him once a month and we talked daily. He is originally from the same country. After I finished school we got married. After a year or so he started nagging me about having a child and I refused and problems started like him being moody, getting upset over the stupidiest thing. So I decided to get pregnant after 2 years from our marriage maybe that will solve our issues. Wrong!! It did not, I never felt appreciated during pregnancy or after, he was always an angry person, very negative, and never happy. Two years after my son was born I got a very good job and I started making more money than him. I swear since that day things got even worse. He will pick a fight with me over nothing. For example, if I say something sarcastically like how he does not help, he will start yelling, telling me that I disrespect him, and I do not see him a man, blah bla, he will scream in front of my son who is now 4.5. He does not do anything around the house, we both work full time, and I swear sometimes I purposely do not clean to see if he will get off his ass and pick up his clothes nope he will not. I come home from work since he is the one who picks up my son, and he is lying in the couch with the computer in his lap and the remote in one hand and feeding my son crap like chicken nugget. If I say something, he will be like if I wanted a roommate or 50/50, I will not get married or I would of married a white girl.

Also, it has been 3 years he sleeps in a separate room and will come up with any excuse such as he snores, he is used to sleeping alone now and cannot change. We have sex once a month just because I am the one asking for it. Last time I tried initiating sex and he said no he is upset at me and for him to have sex he needs to be happy WTF. The reason for him not happy that time because he wanted to go out and I said I need you to help me clean today do that I can also go out tomorrow. His answer was : listen I do not need your permission to go anywhere but you need my permission, I said it is not about permission it is about supporting and helping me, and he was like back again to 50/50. By the way I am very attractive, fit ( size 6), excellent in bed ( as he said). I do not know what to do I am very lonely here since I do not have family or friends and I do not want my son to live without a father. Whenever we have an argument he will twist everything and make me the guilty one on how I am not like other women and I disrespect him.

 

Um...why do u have to post about how attractive & fit u are? Thats being a tease to guys. Its okay to want advice but dont tease lonely guys here like me & a few others .

[Sweetheart9007]

Lol I did not want to tease anyone that was not my intention. I just wanted to tell you that it is not certainly due to my appearances

[NYC-BigKat]

Lol I did not want to tease anyone that was not my intention. I just wanted to tell you that it is not certainly due to my appearances

 

But u still cant do that! Dont u see that it hurts guys like me that cant get pretty girlfriends & its worse that your bummy husband doesn't wanna have sex with u & I wish I could be him 'cause I wouldn't do that to u.

[16thstreet]

I am sorry to read about your situation, which sounds incredibly difficult. It is good news to hear that you are going to seek counselling for yourself and I strongly encourage that you do so. Despite some of the comments you've encountered here, I also encourage you to keep reading and perhaps posting on LS as you go through that process especially if you do not have other people to talk with. At times you can get some really good advice (although clearly not always) and can sometimes be challenged in your thinking in positive ways.

 

I am not a therapist and I do not know what your goals really are at this point. But, from your initial post it does sound like there may well be irreconcilable differences between you and your partner... meaning, very different expectations about the give and take in a relationship and some fundamental principles that go into a relationship. In some relationships (and some cultural contexts) having a strong and independent female partner is highly valued and in a way makes the male partner look stronger and better. In other relationships (and cultural contexts) having a very subservient female partner is the only thing that makes the male partner feel secure and happy in life. From your description, it sounds like your husband is entrenched in this later view. At the very least, he is saying some very hurtful things to you (that if he wanted a co-equal partner he would have married a white woman, for instance) that are not acceptable regardless of your relationship context.

 

You probably know this, but it always bears being said: you will not be able to change your husband. The only person you have any hope of changing is yourself, and really changing yourself is incredibly difficult. What is interesting, however, is that clearly you started out as very independent and driven and that is the woman that he connected with (you were living separately in another state, pursuing a graduate degree), so maybe there is hope.

 

You have a lot of possibilities, even if it does not feel that way at the moment. You do not have to go all the way to divorce immediately. Depending on how things go with counselling, maybe you would consider a trial separation and perhaps that could be a revelation to your husband that he wants to work on things with you. Perhaps the only way to get to where you want to be in a relationship is to end this one and find a better match. It is always much more difficult with children, but there is also the issue of creating a home environment for children that is loving and nurturing even if it is based on only one parent rather than suffering through a harsh and potentially abusive (verbally) environment. Until you spend the time to think through what it is that you really want, hopefully with professional help, who knows which of these options is going to work best for you.

 

Good luck.

Edited July 3, 2012 by 16thstreet

[Sweetheart9007]

Thank you 16thstreet, I thought my problem for Loveshackers is so small that I only get people who make fun of me. Thank you for your support.

As you said the problem stems from the different expectations between the two of us, and him feeling less of a man and therefore trying to make me insecure and putting me down. I Yesterday, I exploded after he snapped at me again in front of my son, and I told him I am done with you and the only solution I see is filing for divorce because I cannor stand the emotional abuse anymore, he said yes i agree we do not get along and he will think about it and if he can find another solution. After I put my son to bed as usual, I laid down in the couch and out of nowhere, he was like can we have se.. I said dont you remember the concversation we had three hours ago, then he started appologizing and promising that he needs to change and appreciate me more, etc... which i am not really sure how long that will last. I told him this is the last chance and lets see what happens.

[BetheButterfly]

StillGrowing- I agree about the kid in the ally and not falling for it. Thank you for your support !

I am starting counseling this week as well because I realized that I may go insane and I hit button

 

I'm glad you're going to counseling. That does give support. It seems that the communication between you and your husband has issues. It doesn't help when there's a lot of yelling, accusations, and negative energy. You can't change him. You can change how you react to him.

 

Now, it is possible if you'd like, for you to just clean up after yourself and your child, and not clean anything of his. Since he is an adult, that can be his responsibility. Although that might make him annoyed, you can be very pleasant about it. Keep the focus on what you feel when you talk. Don't say, "You ..." Rather, you can say, "I feel overwhelmed with all the cleaning, so I am just cleaning this." Don't try to get him to clean up or help anymore, because that obviously doesn't work. The objective is hopefully, as he watches you do your part, hopefully he will want to do his part too.

 

As for the lack of sex, I would suggest getting a vibrator (with your husband knowing about it) and not asking for sex from him anymore. Guys are weird. Many like challenges. It might be that once he sees you are going to pleasure yourself without his involvement, he might want to get involved?

 

When your husband asks or tells you things that get you wanting to argue, don't take the bait. Sarcasm and arguing can be definitely done in a healthy relationship, but right now your marriage isn't healthy. Just live your life in decided happiness, and don't give in to engaging in unhealthy arguing, nagging, and negative energy. Hopefully he will decide to come on board with you. If he doesn't, it'd be time to leave.

 

With your child, even though his Dad isn't contributing much to his son's education/health, treasure the time with him and enjoy going on walks and reading books with him and things like that, as well as maybe making a healthy snack/meal together. Hopefully the Dad will get on board after observing what love and good times looks like in the family setting?

 

Again, you can't change him. But, you can change how you act/react to him. If after seeing you be a "role model", he doesn't change himself, I would think it is understandable that you leave him. Hopefully, however, he will see and decide, "Hey! That's how I want to live too, enjoying my family!"

[16thstreet]

No problem is too small, I don't think, but some are more likely to attract people with strong opinions. Maybe my only real "issue" on LS that I sought real advice on was about a strip club visit and some miscommunication, and boy did that get a lot of responses. But, when it is working I think this is a good place to get some perspective. I tend to search the forums a lot and read a lot more than I post, and you might want to do some searching and reading here too. Also, some of the wiser more experienced folks here (than me) seem to be pretty balanced people, so when you say that you're doing things like "I swear sometimes I purposely do not clean to see if he will get off his ass and pick up his clothes nope he will not" -- they are probably going to say things less than supportive but question why you are provoking a fight rather than really trying to work on the problem in a more productive way.

 

I was married once for about five years, and the issue of divorcing came up multiple times. Each time, my H promised to make significant changes, promised to go to MC (marriage counseling), and do whatever it took to make things work. Each time the promises were empty. He did not go to counseling until after I left the relationship, and even then I ended up believing that he was doing it only to get me back.

 

You did originally say that the lack of physical intimacy was one of the problems between you and your H. I don't know what his ultimate motive was to go to you after the fight, but it is possible that he was actually trying to reconnect with you in at least a way that he knows how (physically). There is also the possibility that he was acting in a way to just gloss things over and hope that by sexing you up that you'd forget about being otherwise unhappy. The only way to know is to keep talking. Preferably when you are both calm. If you really want to try to work on your marriage, I would say that it is probably imperative that you go to MC and learn how to better communicate with each other, and maybe get separate IC too. If either of you are unhappy fundamentally, there is no way that you are going to be able to create the happiness you need and fill the void with each other.

 

One suggestion I have is that, rather than saying "let's see what happens" and keeping it open, set some goals and think of a timeline for those goals. For example, say, "if we really want try to make this work, we need to be in marriage counseling within 3 weeks and really working together on this." Agree that you will both start looking for a MC together this weekend. If after three weeks (or whatever a reasonable amount of time might be? 2 weeks? 4 weeks?) nothing has changed, it might be an indication that things are not going to change ever.

 

I am not trying to push MC as some ultimate solution, but it can be a way to help to learn to communicate things. From the way you describe things, it sounds like you could really use help with communicating with each other in a productive way. As someone that has had a very hard time with communication (and still struggles), I can say that counseling can really help on that front.

Edited July 6, 2012 by 16thstreet