Will I get my MM in the end?

[BusyBee]

My story......

I started a new job a couple months ago and had to go out of state for training. Our eyes met on that first day and I could feel his presence every time we were in the same room together. He is not management but a fellow employee called in to help with training. We spent the whole week silently flirting and then one night we started talking and went for a walk on the hotel property and we kissed. Then he told me he was married. He acted really nervous but we rented a car and spent the next day together. As the day proceeded, he told me he could not do this, it wasn't right and we should not continue any longer. (we had not gone any further than the kiss at that time) We spent the last week being polite to each other but on the last night, we bumped into each other and he came to my room and we talked and held each other. We live across the country from one another. He told me his marraige was really bad for the last few years (married for 14) His family has been trying to persuade him into getting a divorce and stopping the misery. There are no kids involved. Anyway, I was confused but we made no promises to even call each other after that.

 

I could not stop thinking about him and was already coming "down" from him when a week later my phone rang and he asked me if I was feeling the same way he was....I said yes and we started talking on the phone every couple of days. We planned a trip to meet halfway in a city. We decided that we had to see if this "feeling" was real that we had. He lied to his wife about his trip (they have been taking seperate vacations anyway) When we laid eyes on each other we both held each other for a long time. We had a beautiful 4 days together except when he had to call his wife daily. After those phone calls, he was in torment...he said he could not stand the lies and did not know if he could continue to do that. We parted ways again saying that we could not continue on that way and did not know what to do except just to keep in touch occasionally. It was a heart-breaking part that day. (we had professed love for each other that weekend and had a very emotional and intimate time) He called me 2 days later and told me that he had told his wife everything, that he could not live the life of a liar. He said that he had to cut contact with me because he owed it to his wife to try to work through this no matter which way it went, that if and when he ever called me again, he would be single. I said I understood but was heart-broken and confused. I had started to accept the fact that I may never hear from him again when he called a week later (using a work excuse) and said things were not going very well and that it would probably take 6 months to go through his divorce but he said no matter what...he knows that what we had was real and he knew that things had to get worse before they could get better, we verified our feelings for each other again and I am still wondering when we will talk again. I respect him for not being able to carry on with his lie, I truly believe he had never done this before because he did not know how to deal with an affair. I am feeling very depressed and wondering why I let myself get into this situation. But I have never been "hit by a freight train" with a guy before. We live far apart and it took a lot for us to even meet that one time but we both refuse to let it go. He has not asked me to wait for him...but I think that he knows I will. I feel better writing this down, I am on week 2 of NC and am going through the many phases, mad, hurt etc... I wonder if I will get my MM in the end?

[kiababy]

Probably not...few of us ever will and the ones that do 'get the guy' usually turn out really badly. The best thing for you to do would be to wait and see if he really does get a divorce, and then just date each other for a while. You'd be surprised how different a man can be when he is back in the 'real world' and not engaged in the infatuation, romance, passion and excitement of having an affair.

 

I'm currently deep in an OW/MM relationship but the guy I dated before him was also married (don't ask) and is currently getting a divorce, ( nothing to do with me). Boy is the bloom off THAT rose! Now that it's not fun and games and he's stressed because of lawyers and custody and losing his house......I can barely remember what was so great about him, even though I there was a time when we talked about being 'perfect' together and 'if only circumstances...timing' blah blah blah....Another thing is he decided to come clean and tell me the truth about a lot of things I didn't know - that even though he assured me he was 'separated', in the 2 year period we saw each other, he and his wife actually got back together several times. Please be careful, married men who have affairs are accomplished liars.

 

Including the guy I am seeing now.....

 

But if you do get involved with him.......sigh......we'll be right here for support.....

[BusyBee]

Thanks......this website has helped me see the "light" a little better even though I am still going through some denial that mine is different. I can see now that it probably isn't. This is my first time as an OW and I don't like the sick feeling that comes with it. I will try to go on with my life and hope that the day comes that I will not hope every time my phone rings. I feel for all of us that are going through this and no one else can understand these feelings unless they have been an OW.

[leilab]

Doesn't it always come down to that very same thing? " He felt he owed it to his wife to try to work through this no matter which way it went" - What is it with these guys that although their marriage is "bad" for years and years, they feel that they must try and work out their marriage.

 

Being married when I had my affair with MM, I should have felt the same way - but I did/ and do not. I knew that I gave my heart 100% to my MM and there was no turning back. I could not have fallen in love with someone if I was still emotionally attached/committed to someone else.

 

I am sorry - but I just do not get that part. Is it that men and women are just completely different? Or is it that they get a sense of the "new" and starting re-appreciating the "old".

[kiababy]

Good questions...or how about this one: the MM I am seeing has been cheating on his wife since they met in high school. I'm talking non-stop...even on his way up North to ask her father for her hand in marriage....he had a one-night stand.

 

I asked him why of all times did he choose that day to cheat...he said he didn't know.... he was 'nervous'......???????

[BusyBee]

My MM is not experienced at having affairs, I was his first. How does it happen that he says the same thing all the other guys do? I am in stage 2 now, anger at myself for getting into this situation and anger at him for pursuing it also. My guy is 800 miles away so the chances of this working even if there is a divorce are not good due to distance. This website is helping me but also has degraded what I thought was special and unique because we all have the same story. I read another thread that said you don't get the same intensity of feelings for the single guys that you date. That I guess is true...because this is the most intense relationship I have ever had. It's going to be hard not to compare those feelings with the next single guy I meet. I want to try to go on with my life and start dating again but deep down I know that if that phone rings and it is him, I will be going through this all over again. We only had a week and a half together, if anyone told me 2 months ago that this would happen to me I would not have believed it. Then I read that he could call a couple years down the line and still mess me up. I really hope that this is not going to be with me for years........I do not understand the need to work things out with the wife either especially since no kids are involved, I think my MM is overwhelmed when it comes to thinking of selling the house, splitting assets, etc... I do not understand why anyone would stay in a relationship that is not happy, life is too short, I was married and I divorced because we had just grown apart and had different interests.

My MM has never had this kind of love in his life, I thought love prevailed???

 

I am rambling but it does feel good to finally let out my thoughts, since my friends just do not want to talk about my situation, like it is a dirty thing........I do find some comfort here since we can all relate:)

[fanou22]

BusyBee,

The kind of love that they have for us is different. It is the forbidden love.

 

I also thought that mine was special. Every OW in here thought that hers was special. We live in a world where we badly want to believe in fairy tales and that love prevails.

Sadly it does not all the time.

 

Women are more courageous than men. We take a chance, they don't. The only courage they display is when it comes to protecting us from some kind of danger or just showing off their muscles. We have inner strength when they have the outer one.

Just think about yourself as a better person than he is. He is in a situation not willing to let go off because of splitting assets???????? Did he marry his wife for money?????? Can't he start anew????????

 

I know one thing: When there is a will, there is a way.

 

The thing that I can tell you. Stay away from him until he decides to leave his wife and be prepared that if he does so, you may not be his first pick.

[BusyBee]

fanou,

I know all the things you are saying are correct......but why is it so hard to accept that? I understand about women having an inner strength more so than men do.....today I feel like I can move on, but tomorrow might be a different game......I swear I will not do this to myself ever again......it has been only 8 days since our last contact and I know that even if I do not answer my phone when he calls just seeing his name come across the display will be enough to send me backwards......why is it that if women have an inner strength, we are weak when it comes to our MM? Are you in the NC stage or are you still involved with yours?

[fanou22]

This is our weakness. We want to love and be loved. We want to want and be wanted.

 

It is the nature of the human being to cling to things not available to them or cannot have. I am not saying that we go after MM because they are not available. The reasons why we got attracted to a MM is ours alone. When you carefully examine your situation you will find the reason. I know mine. You know or will know yours.

 

Unfortunately I keep on going back and forth between NC and e-mails. One day I am in NC and he next thing you know he send me the sweetest message. If you read my post about the past, present, and future; you know what I went through.

 

To sum it all, he does not want me to leave. I don't want to leave him but I feel obliged. I rationalize it by saying what is wrong with some happiness now. No one knows what the future holds. Then I go back to telling myself that I deserve more. I am still trying to decide what to do. I hate to have to let go instead of wanting to let go.

 

In your case, he does not have any children which should change the whole equation. I do understand that he has a wife who loves him more than he loves her (maybe). But I know one thing, if he really wants to leave, I don't see what is holding him back. You simply have to draw the line. Make it or break it forever.

[BusyBee]

fanou,

I read your story.......I know that we share the same torment. Thanks for responding to me personally. Maybe we can both find the strength to get through this.

 

What happened to me in the last 2 months...I have lost 15 pounds (I did not have 15 pounds to lose) I am in a size 1 now. I was involved with remodeling my new house before this and now I do not have the ambition or energy to get back into that. I spent all of 4th of July weekend on the couch in front of the tv which is not in my character. (I am called busybee by my friends because I am always on the move.) I have had many relationships in my life and have become the master at breaking them off because my motto is to be happy, you only live once. I put myself in financial strife just to go meet him in another city for 4 days. So he has literally affected my life and my health. I am not myself anymore and I hate that, but I am one of the strongest people I know and I keep telling myself to get over this. So, I am going to keep coming back to this site to see what the rest of us are going through, it really does verify to me that there is rarely a happy ending involved with our situations.

I want to make him make a choice, he only told his wife a week ago that he fell in love with another woman, he did not say he had an affair, he told her he fell in love, I do not see how any wife can ever get past that. But it is too soon to make him decide because he is still going through the nastiness at home, and for all I know, he could very well have already moved out, he said he would not call again until he was single, but he has already made a backslide by calling me at the end of last week and using a lame excuse such as "your name was on my call log, did you call me? Of course I didn't but he needed reconfirmation of my feelings for him, I think to get him through what he is going through.

I hope we all get past our MM's somehow, someday.

[fanou22]

BusyBee,

 

How are things going with you this week???

Do you have anything planned for the weekend?? Are you feeling better?

[BusyBee]

fanou,

I am on week 3 of no contact and I am getting better by the day. I have to keep telling myself that he is the "typical" MM and that it was just Love addiction. This site has helped me bring all the negative thoughts about my relationship to the forefront. But also I know that if he were to call, I would be falling back down into the hole. I do know that each day it does get better. I still wish I knew what he was thinking, he could be starting his divorce to be free or he could simply be working it out with his wife. We agreed that we do not need to be talking right now so he can deal with his current situation. I have already been thinking about getting back out into the dating circuit again (with a single guy this time) but do not know if I could give 100% to anyone right now. So, I am letting you know that if you ever decide to get out of yours, it is possible to get through this and time is the only thing that can slowly help ease the pain. Don't get me wrong I am not anywhere near being healed but I feel like I am on the right track. My situation seems to be better than alot of other OW's because I am not in the same town or state as mine and do not have any chance of bumping into mine.

As for this weekend, I am still in a "funk" but I did get out and visit my family while they were camping. I have to force myself to even leave my house right now.

I have been browsing this site every day, and you give great feedback to the OW's. You can tell who is level-headed on here. I hope you are doing ok with yours right now.

[fanou22]

Not very proud to say it but I am back with MM.

I like being with him and I hate the situation at the same time.

Taking a drastic step did not work for me. All it took him was to show up at work and tell me how much I mean to him and how he would hate losing me.......(Stupid of me right?)

 

I had been talking with him and about what I say and read on this site. He kinda finds it scary that I would say all these things. I told him flat out that I think there is something wrong with his relationship from the beginning and I think I traced it to what it was.

 

I quit my job this week. So I won't be seeing him anymore there. I hope I can take baby steps and let my infatuation fade away and be out of the situation without feeling like the first time.

I am going out with my friends tonight. There is no need to stay home on saturday nights right?

 

It is good that you live so far away from each other. I also think that you should explore other relationships. Try going out, meeting new people. It might help brighten up things a little bit.

[BusyBee]

Fanou,

Have fun going out tonight. I can understand why you are back with your MM, I can say that I would probably do the same because I have never had this deep of a connection with anyone before, and still choose to believe that the feeling is real on both sides. I know he is as tormented as I am right now. I hope your new job goes well, that must have been a big sacrifice to make for you to make. At least you know that there is support here to help you deal with the things that come from the OW/MM relationship. I wonder why he finds it "scary" that you are on this site? Maybe he realizes that you might find the strength to someday leave him. I can relate to your situation better than some others because it seems you have all the emotional ties to your MM that I have to mine, it's hard to walk away from being and feeling love.

Sometimes it is hard to believe that I have let this happen to me. I have always been the one to end relationships and have had my fair share of them. My friends want to know what happened to the strong willed, "not take anything from anybody" person that I used to be. I have never had a problem meeting and dating guys. But here I am broken hearted over a guy I can't even have. We have so much in common, we are both artists and can talk for hours about the masters etc....he has all of the qualifications I would dream about finding in a single guy but have not been able to. Music, world traveled, we even have the same type of body art (tattoos).....We bonded with a first glance and then found out later that we had all these commonalities. See, these are the good things that I am trying not to think about:)

I am going to hold off on the dating thing at the moment because it would not be fair to someone else if I am still hoping for contact someday from my MM. But I need to start getting back out into the social scene again, I am starting to get tired of sitting home on Saturday nights.

Have a drink for me:)

[fanou22]

BusyBee,

Thanks for the wishes to have fun tonight. All it takes for me is music, a dance floor, and I am having fun.

It is weird we have so much in common you and I. I had always been the one to end relationships also. I don't know why I am clinging to him right. Maybe because of what I have and having been rejected before.

 

I think he finds it scary that I can read so much into his relationship with his wife. He does not mind my analysis as long as I never post his name online. I haven't told him about LS but about me posting on a forum. I don't want him to read my thoughts yet. Maybe one day when we're no longer together and all is fine, I will tell him about it. He knows one day I will leave him. I already told him so. He said that he would not mind me leaving if I meet someone who I could have a future with but not because I can no longer take it. I also know that he gets jealous of me meeting someone else.

Before we started seeing each other, I was kind of dating someone who unfortunately lived in a different state. So every 2 weeks I would fly over to see him. He never encouraged me into the relationship not that I talked with him about it. But he always asked me at work when would I be flying and why would I want to be in such a relationship. I knew back then that he was interested in me but I figured that since he is married, it would be left off at that. I pasted everything together once we started having a relationship (a lot of things he had said I never thought about before). I had found it strange that he would take such an interest into my personal life when he barely knows me. By the way he was the one who hired me for the job. Of course he denies hiring me because he liked me but I am inclined to think otherwise not that I was not qualified for it.

 

I can go on about different things but I will stop here.

Feel free to send me a PM if you want to communicate through e-mail.

[BusyBee]

fanou,

I have enabled my PM and have added you to my buddy list but it still does not let me PM you. I will try to figure it out today, maybe if you try to PM me it will open mine up?

How did your long distant relationship end? That's what I will be facing if I ever start dating my MM. I am traveling to another city next week on a photo assignment (I am a real estate photographer) there is a chance he will be there, It will be very hard to see him right now, regardless of whether we can spend time together or not. It turns my stomach to even think about it. I do not think I can be in the same hotel as him and not see him. So I will know then how painful it would be to bump into my MM. I somehow doubt his wife will let him travel again especially since he told her about us and it happened on his last business trip. He doesn't know I would be going on this one so my other biggest fear is that if he is trying to work it out with his wife, he may bring her. But the last time I spoke with him, things were going really bad, she was yelling at screaming at him on a nightly basis and that was a week after he told her. He said he was on the verge of walking away, he couldn't take it anymore. So he very well could already be out and I would not know it yet. He is very realistic on not wanting me to be part of his leaving and would wait to call me. The last time I spoke with him he said that what we have is a beautiful thing and he refuses to believe that it was a dirty thing, what he feels is real and that love prevails. He said things have to get worse before they get better. I am hanging on those words. (stupidly) But then I will be dealing with a long distant relationship. The only benefit to that is I have lived all over the country and would eventually relocate if we were to make this work. I think nothing of moving, I get bored if I stay in one state too long and my work allows me to be anywhere.

Well, it is morning and I have to start my yard work today.....did you meet any interesting people last night?

[BettyBoo]

Busy Bee......please read my post 'separated but wont get a divorce'. I have found reading your posts really helpful. I think your realtionship may work out who knows. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations and its not always easy to know which road is best. I hope everything works out for you.

 

GOod Luck

[BusyBee]

BettyBoo,

I read your other thread. They are living apart in separate houses? I have known couples that have been separated for years and have waited to file for divorce. Usually it is for financial reasons, someone is carrying the health insurance or maybe the college funding may have something to do with it. Maybe your BF may still want some control over his family's decisions until the last child gets out of the house or college. If he is living in a separate house, I would agree that his "married" relationship with his wife is over. Have patience, it sounds like you already have your man.

Thanks for the encouraging words with my situation, for now I am going to wait and see what happens, but I won't wait forever.

[fanou22]

BusyBee,

 

I tried PM for you and it did not work either. Yours is not enabled yet. I had fun last night. Saw a couple of guys that I knew from before but none important enough.

 

Good luck next week with the possibility of meeting him. If he brings his wife then pretty much you have your answer. If he doesn't, don't ask him anything about the two of you. Just stay strong.

 

My long distance relationship mainly ended because of the possibility of me giving him herpes one day. He said he would not be able to live with that though I had told him from the beginning what I had. So here you go.....

I believe that long distance would work only if the 2 are willing to make it work. But from my experiences, I would not jump into another one.

When I was 19 I was dating someone and we had been together for 7 months when I left the country with my parents for the whole summer. I had told my bf at the time that should he meet someone during that time to tell me before I came back. At the end of the summer, my father was staying there and asked me to stay with him if I wanted to. It would be a new experience to live in a new country he said. I called my bf and told him about the possibility of me not coming back. He told me then, that he had been waiting for me for 3 months and that he loved me. Naturally, I headed back a week later to get dumped the next day for "I don't time to see you much because of my heavy course load". Come to find out later on that he had met someone who he was dating. I resented him for the longest time ever for doing this to me. Eventually, I moved on and moved to where I live right now. That was 6 years ago and did not have herpes then. My second experience with long distance was different. But it failed.

[BettyBoo]

yes in my situation they are living in separate houses. I do hope all things work out for you and I do agree you shouldn't wait forever otherwise I think it starts to erode your confidence and self esteem.

[yogurtu]

Originally posted by leilab

Doesn't it always come down to that very same thing? " He felt he owed it to his wife to try to work through this no matter which way it went" - What is it with these guys that although their marriage is "bad" for years and years, they feel that they must try and work out their marriage.

 

As a MM, I must say that a "bad" marriage does not mean a marriage not worth trying to rebuild. "Bad" may mean "in trouble", "in danger", "going through a rough spot", etc. "Bad" may mean that one of the MM's critical needs is not being met; in my case, it was just ocnversation, being listened to with empathy, feeling understood and having my feelings validated. My wife was still meeting many of my other needs, and although the needs she was not meeting were critical to me and I ended going out of the relationship in my frustration, my OW would never be able to meet half of the needs my wife was already meeting, period. I know that this is a fact not just for me but for most men, so it makes a lot of sense for us to go back to who meets most needs and try to get her to meet 100% of them than attempting to get our OW to be something she is not. And that does not factor in the fact that our wives have stuck with us through thick and thin, children, etc., which should count for something (in my case, I wish it had counted enough that I wouldn't have chosen to stray).

 

It is not about appreciating the old after knowing the new, alhtough after the infatuation phase dies down, the new looks pretty pathetic even if the old seemed to suck before.

 

I hope to have shed some light on this issue.

Yogurtu

[yogurtu]

Originally posted by BusyBee

I can understand why you are back with your MM, I can say that I would probably do the same because I have never had this deep of a connection with anyone before, and still choose to believe that the feeling is real on both sides. I wonder why he finds it "scary" that you are on this site? Maybe he realizes that you might find the strength to someday leave him.

 

I wish my OW had the support this site gives (I actually mentioned it to her, so who knows, maybe she is one of you...). My OW and I still have a deep connection like the type you describe, the feeling is real, but unfortunately it will lead nowhere and this whole thing is doomed to fail. We were both flying on the same airplane, but we somehow saw how the plane ran out of fuel, lost its wings, and nosedived; no matter what we do and how great the flight feels, we are going to crash soon, and we'd better bail out before it's too late for us to jump in our parachutes.

 

Yogurtu

[BusyBee]

Bailing out is going to be painful whether it is now or later. It seems harder to bail out when things are at their best, it literally feels like your heart is being ripped out of your chest. I could actually visualize it when it happened to me. I would have much rather it been when the infatuation phase wore off. Not saying that it is right to be in this situation in the first place.

 

I like your feedback Yogurtu, I think alot of us need to hear how it is from the MM's side. I do know that 60+% of marriages end in divorce with or without an OW and an MM can move on to be in another relationship with someone else who can give all the support and empathy that they received from the first wife, maybe even more. I think alot of us are just hoping that we are the one that they choose after the divorce. That's why it is so important to me to stay away from my MM right now, so he can make his decisions on his marriage without me being involved. Then maybe I will get a phone call in the future and be asked out for a real date. Then again, this just might be a lesson learned.

[yogurtu]

Busybee, unfortunately we all know that the likelihood of a MM leaving his wife for his OW are minimal, and for the few who do the success rate is so little that it tends to zero. Please don't cling to this idea; it's an illusion and there is no future in a relationship with a MM, no matter how good it feels; the longer the relationship lasts, the painful the aftermath will be. Let your MM resolve his issues without you; wait and see, or try to move on; miracles happen, but they are rare. And even if your MM divorces his wife and marries you, what kind of foundation is this for a relationship? All the lies, the betrayal... how do you know that your MM, now your husband, won't leave you for another OW (this may be a pattern)? I do not want to discourage you, but I hate to see people's hearts broken when it's possible to stop this now.

 

I appreciate your comments, and wish you the best.

Yogurtu

[fanou22]

Originally posted by yogurtu

 

My wife was still meeting many of my other needs, and although the needs she was not meeting were critical to me and I ended going out of the relationship in my frustration, my OW would never be able to meet half of the needs my wife was already meeting, period. I know that this is a fact not just for me but for most men, so it makes a lot of sense for us to go back to who meets most needs and try to get her to meet 100% of them than attempting to get our OW to be something she is not. And that does not factor in the fact that our wives have stuck with us through thick and thin, children, etc., which should count for something (in my case, I wish it had counted enough that I wouldn't have chosen to stray).

 

It is not about appreciating the old after knowing the new, although after the infatuation phase dies down, the new looks pretty pathetic even if the old seemed to suck before.

 

Actually you make it more confusing. Have you given the new the chance to prove that it might be better than the old? Why do women leave their husbands when things go south more than men? Don't you attribute that to cowardness? Running back to what you know? What would you do if your wife does not take you back? Then you are forced to look and consider the new (regardless of the OW).

 

From what you are saying, MM prefer the decisions to be made for them.