fanou22 Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 Yogurtu, Please don't get my earlier post wrong. I always value your input in the MM-OW equation. I am just trying to understand MM standpoint on the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 I think alot of us are just hoping that we are the one that they choose after the divorce. The MM going through a divorce is not the same guy you were fooling around with.....the guy I used to see before my MM was separated on and off. Finally his wife filed for divorce, moved out and took the kids. He's wracked with guilt (about the issues that caused the divorce, she never knew about me), he's bitter, he's angry and going through hell. Now I get to see him at his worst. I used to be crazy about him. We used to talk about what would happen when he was 'finally free', whether I would wait for him. I screen my calls at work because talking to him is gut-wrenching. I found out I can't be there for him. At all. Maybe because it brings back memories of my own bitter divorce; maybe not. Maybe he's just not who I thought he was. Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 Kia, It is true that the OW will get to see the MM at his worst after he leaves his wife or she leaves him. This is mainly why a lot of the MM don't end up with the OW. That is my opinion anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 You're absolutely right Fanou. It's one thing to wish he would leave his wife, or that she leaves him....it's another story when it actually happens. It's such an ugly scene. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BusyBee Posted July 12, 2004 Author Share Posted July 12, 2004 Lesson learned for me after reading the lastest posts.......I have come to the realization that it is the women who seem to make all of the decisions in these relationships. Instead of waiting for the MM to end the marriage, it is the wife who has to decide the marriage is over. She is the one with the inner strength to move on. I can also see my MM changing after the divorce into a bitter and guilt stricken person, I have already had to deal with part of that every time he called his wife when we were together it was hell for a couple of hours. This is all starting to sink in now. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyBoo Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 I think that any woman can learn a lot from all of the posts. ANyone who is breaking up from a relationship is in a 'bad space' to be available emotionally for anyone else. I do think it is better to wait for them to actually break up and for him to have time alone to heal before they are available to you or any woman for a relationship. When I met my boyfriend he was already separated three years and he told me he was glad that he did not meet me the year after separating as he was very angry and suspicious of women. Men I think need time to heal and if the issues and hurt of the previous relationship have not been dealt with they contaminate every other relationship. My boyfriend is still not divorced and I too have decided that I need him to put closure on that realtionship legally. Whatever he decides to do is HIS decision but I take full responsibility for my decisions and my own happiness. I think it is SO important NOT to lose yourself in relationship but to keep monitoring if this realtionship is fullfilling and bringing out the best in you as a woman or is it turning you into a nervous wreck and making you crazy? RIght now I am happy and if I find that he decides to remain legally tied to his wife I will have no hesitation in leaving as my needs are as important as his our hers. I wish you all luck in your lives and remember stay sane even if it means staying single!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Passion2Give Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 I just broke off an affair that lasted for a year and some change., but before that we lived together for a year and then he left me to go back to his wife. Man, it hurts but I could not wait forever. You know the lines oh the kids, oh the wife needs me right now. You can only hear so much of how much he hates his wife. In my case, my MM wife is supposely sick and they shipped the kids away and he was suppose to move back in with me, but he decided to stay with the wife. I am to young to waste my life waiting for him to decide on who he wants. I called him and told him it was over and he said fine and hung up . Then he called back later and said he would call me back and I have not heard from him since. I am hurt, but on the other hand I am moving on, because I deserved better. For me working as a divorce paralegal you can really tell the ones who are ready to get rid of the wife and you can tell the ones who are just bluffing. I sure could tell that my MM is not going to leave his wife only in death. I am here to tell you ladies that MM always go back to their wives and they really, really have to be in a messed up situation to divorce their wives. They are having they cake and eating too, so why should they leave their wives. Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 For me working as a divorce paralegal you can really tell the ones who are ready to get rid of the wife and you can tell the ones who are just bluffing. Passion, what are the tell-tale signs of a bluffer as opposed to the MM with one foot out the door? I'm curious. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyBoo Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 [ I am hurt, but on the other hand I am moving on, because I deserved better. I am glad that you feel you deserve better. You do and you will get what you deserve someday.....a man who is committed to you. For me working as a divorce paralegal you can really tell the ones who are ready to get rid of the wife and you can tell the ones who are just bluffing. I sure could tell that my MM is not going to leave his wife only in death. Yes like Sinner I am curious as to how you would know which MM is going to leave and which is not....Please enlighten us all!!! Your information may be hugely useful in my situation. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
leilab Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 Yogurtu, "My wife was still meeting many of my other needs, and although the needs she was not meeting were critical to me and I ended going out of the relationship in my frustration, my OW would never be able to meet half of the needs my wife was already meeting, period. I know that this is a fact not just for me but for most men, so it makes a lot of sense for us to go back to who meets most needs and try to get her to meet 100% of them than attempting to get our OW to be something she is not. " From my perspective, I'm very confident that I would have been able to meet any of my MM needs - why would the OW have to be something she is not? BettyBoo, I totally agree with you that men need time to recover emotionally from their relationship before they are ready to attach themselves to someone new. I think that is where my ex-MM problem existed: After his first divorce, he felt very lonely and hooked up with his current wife. He got her pregnant and they married. There was probably not more than 6 months between his divorce and the 2nd marriage. A struggling marriage from the beginning with a lot of issues. And fear on his part to go through with another divorce. I think men are very fearful of change - more so than women. Link to post Share on other sites
yogurtu Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Originally posted by leilab Yogurtu, "My wife was still meeting many of my other needs, and although the needs she was not meeting were critical to me and I ended going out of the relationship in my frustration, my OW would never be able to meet half of the needs my wife was already meeting, period. I know that this is a fact not just for me but for most men, so it makes a lot of sense for us to go back to who meets most needs and try to get her to meet 100% of them than attempting to get our OW to be something she is not. " From my perspective, I'm very confident that I would have been able to meet any of my MM needs - why would the OW have to be something she is not? BettyBoo, I totally agree with you that men need time to recover emotionally from their relationship before they are ready to attach themselves to someone new. I think that is where my ex-MM problem existed: After his first divorce, he felt very lonely and hooked up with his current wife. He got her pregnant and they married. There was probably not more than 6 months between his divorce and the 2nd marriage. A struggling marriage from the beginning with a lot of issues. And fear on his part to go through with another divorce. I think men are very fearful of change - more so than women. Link to post Share on other sites
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