Don't Want to Be with Him...So Why Do I Feel so Crappy?! LONG

[mustangsally]

I'm feeling terrible at the moment and I'm not sure what to do.

 

A bit of background--I'm in my late 20s and have only had two serious boyfriends. I've had other "relationships" that didn't lead to anything. I'm attractive and accomplished and I do find a lot of men are attracted to me, but sustaining that attraction seems to be completely impossible. My first boyfriend left me for another girl after I started suffering from health issues. My second boyfriend and I just weren't compatible in the long term, so we cut it off. It's been almost four years now since I've had someone I call a boyfriend and I'm beginning to think it's never going to happen or I deserve terrible things.

 

Here's my recent story and why I feel so crap:

 

I am moving to a new place for work next year and went to visit back in October. A guy showed me around and he was really nice and cute, but I didn't think much of it. I told him to add me to facebook when he had time and he said he would, and added me. I saw he had a girlfriend and I sort of shrugged the whole thing off.

 

As time went on, he started to pursue me and turn things sexual. I kept asking about his girlfriend and he'd say she wouldn't mind (totally not true!). He said a couple of times he wanted to break up with her for me, but I told him not to do that as I can't guarantee a committment to someone I've just met and am getting to know via the Internet.

 

After a couple of weeks of this, I tell him I'm feeling too guilty to continue this and I'd like for him to tell his gf or break it off with her (not FOR me, I wasn't making any promises). He says he doesn't want to do either, so I angrily told him I thought he was being really dishonest and asked him to stop speaking to me. He did for about three weeks and then started talking to me again. Things were friendly, but there was an undertone of flirtation.

 

I went to do a work thing a couple of months later and saw him. He was still with the girlfriend, told me he was really happy, but then said he was scared he would cheat on her again so he decided to keep his distance at night. He claimed he was happy with his girlfriend, but he still wanted to see where things went with us when I moved there later in the year.

 

A week later, he broke it off with his girlfriend.

 

Immediately, things between us heated up again, even though I wasn't near him. He talked to me everyday, would call me up and speak to me for 3-4 hours per day and it got to an exhausting point. He'd joke about how other girls are interested in him and that I've got competition for his affection, etc., trying to make me jealous. If I ever mentioned another guy, he would tell me in the ways he was better and would say things like, "I know I can't do better than you." Every so often, he would ask what we were, but I maintained that we were just friends because I was going away over the summer and I couldn't give him what he needed (constant communication) and we'd see how things went in the fall. I was already having doubts because he was so needy...and he hadn't been alone for more than a couple of days since his teens. I know he was upset about the break-up and I didn't want to take on the role of rebound.

 

I went to visit him and everything was great. We had lots of sex and then when I went home, things continued. He kept trying to get me to commit to him, while saying he was afraid of getting swept up too quickly in another romance. I was firm in that I just wanted to keep things as they were and there was no need to take it to the next level until we can get to know one another in person. He agreed and said it was the mature decision and he was glad I was able to see things from a wider perspective without jumping in...and that's why all his past relationships have failed.

 

I went to visit him again and after having sex a few times, he turns to me and tells me he can no longer have sex with me without a committment, that he doesn't want to screw things up before we have to work together, that he wants to keep our friendship over the summer so we can see where things go in the fall, etc. I asked him point blank if this was about someone else, and he said no. Before I went home, he hugged me, kissed me, said he could see himself being with me for a long time, if not married to me and then sent me off. His housemates said he was being an idiot, but they also told me he talked about me nonstop and that they knew he had real feelings for me.

 

I asked him to cool off the contact because it was too much of an investment for me at the moment and I needed to work on other things. I told him to please let me contact him (he made about 99% of the contact).

 

Evidently, I was told that after I left, he spent an entire day crying because he felt that he had hurt me.

 

I had to come back one final time, but he "mysteriously" was gone for two days of it. Not long into my visit, I found out it was because he was now with one of his best girlfriends. Since he is so needy, I decided I wouldn't mind if he had sex with other girls and flirted, but if he committed to someone in the wake of all this messiness, it would just prove he's not the person I want him to be. I told him I was closing the door to us, that decision had been made, but he got really upset and said it wasn't fair that I was doing this, that we hadn't gotten to know one another well enough, etc. I said I think I knew him well enough to decide and he progressively got angrier and angrier until he said he didn't want to see me at all on my visit because "it wasn't fair."

 

He told me he had told his new girlfriend everything about our relationship, come to find she had no idea we were ever romantically linked. When everyone suggested otherwise, he told her it was because I came onto him (er...NO) and he gave in ONCE and then realized it wasn't right. He also conveniently left out the cheating, but finally did admit that we were leaving things open and he doesn't know what's going to happen in the future with us.

 

I guess I'm just in shock because if you really care about someone, why would you lie about your relationship? He never lied to me about how much he cared about his past girlfriends and isn't lying about how much he cares about his new girlfriend...so why is he lying about me? Am I that forgettable? I feel like crap because this new girl he's with is one of those girls EVERY guy falls for...so I know she must be something very special. But me? Naw...you can lie about your entire relationship about me and it's not a big deal. It really hurts that I do everything I can for someone and they just write me off.

 

Is this the kind of treatment you expect? Do I just get used to this? I know I shouldn't have gotten involved with someone with a girlfriend, I get that....but I don't think I did anything else wrong...but why am I being punished?

 

I also feel relieved without him, because I felt like I was on a treadmill always trying to keep up but never quite there....like everything was all about him. So why am I so sad? I don't want to be with him at all....so why do I care?!

Edited July 3, 2012 by mustangsally

[mustangsally]

Any advice? It's been a while and I was okay with things for a bit, but now I'm super depressed about it, especially since I know he and the girl are still together. They lying and horrible things he must've said about me to get her to stay with him makes my stomach churn.

[jeffmeyers]

Because you're self-worth is obviously low.

 

The correct reaction should be anger, at him and at yourself for letting yourself getting involved with a creep like him in the first place. This should be a wake-up call for you. You should learn to have more self-respect for yourself and find satisfying activities for you that don't necessarily involve men.

 

Of course, you can still date, but definitely raise your standards. You're not getting any younger either so all the more reason to choose more wisely in the future.

[NoMagicBullet]

He's a mess, but let's look at things from his perspective:

 

He's got a girlfriend, but he meets you and is drawn in like a moth to a flame. You go along with the flirting and pursuit. You don't voluntarily break things off with him, instead you tell him to tell his GF or break up with her -- you may not have been making any promises about you and him, but he may have seen your request differently -- but he doesn't do that, so you ask him to stop speaking to you. He does for a while, but then he contacts you again and you go along with it again. Hey, you're going along with his cheating behavoir, so you must dig him as much as he digs you!

 

So he dumps his girlfriend. For you. He wants some sort of committed exclusive relationship, but you won't give him that. I bet he felt played! Apparently not the type to ever be alone, he finds a new girlfriend who will give him that encompassing attention he craves. If I were him, I'd have felt pretty stupid and ashamed of dumping the previous girlfriend for you, so of course I'd act like whatever time I spent with you meant nothing. Then combine that with his own issues related to honesty and his ego.

 

Anyway, that's my analysis of why he lied about the relationship. But yeah, you are being punished, and part of it has to do with your own actions. You say it was like everything was all about him, but it sounds like your decisions in your relationship with him were based on what you wanted. Actually, both of you seem pretty selfish; since each of you wanted different things, it was going to end sooner or later.

 

You're right -- you are better off without this guy. He's a revolving door when it comes to girlfriends. One isn't even out the door before he has another one coming in. Still, it doesn't change the fact that you were attracted to him. At some point in their lives, many people find themselves attracted to people that are not good for them. And just because they were jerks, cheaters, psychos or whatever doesn't make it any easier to get over, especially if it was a powerful attraction.

 

Forgive yourself for feeling sad -- it's okay if you do. You'll get over him eventually. More importantly, own your actions and learn from your mistakes in this situation and avoid getting drawn into something like this again.

[mustangsally]

I told him repeatedly I wasn't ready to commit until we were in person, and he agreed to that. I really don't see why he would be surprised that I wasn't going to jump into something with him--especially so soon after he'd gotten out of a serious relationship. I'm not sure he dumped her for me...I know he had a lot of issues with the relationship in general with his ex.

 

It just sucks that I'm attracted to someone who isn't good for me. His neediness is non-negotiable (as the cheating should have been as well!), but I still am attracted to him. Ahhhh haha. Thanks for the advice guys...it does help from an outsider's perspective. I've just lately felt as though I'm not good enough for anyone.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I sense that you have awakened within yourself the urge to be sexual and emotional with SOMEbody.

 

This particular guy matters not to the grand equation, and in some ways you're both seeming needy to the point where it is unhealthy to be with one another.

 

Ideally this new/renewed yearning will inspire you to get out and be more social, which amounts to little more than simply meeting more prospects.

 

Put this guy behind you and go out and thrive somewhere!

[NoMagicBullet]

It just sucks that I'm attracted to someone who isn't good for me.

...

I've just lately felt as though I'm not good enough for anyone.

 

Been there, done that, on both of those.

 

You are right, it just plain sucks to be attracted to someone who isn't good for you. Hopefully it won't be too long before the feelings fade enough that all you feel is relief at having dodged a bullet with that guy.

 

I've often felt the same about not being good enough, and I try to remind myself that it's not my job to prove I'm worthy to someone else. If I'm busy trying to be the best person I can be, then it's solely their decision if they want to get to know me better and have me in their life. If they don't, then that's their choice. (But other times I just end up moping about it for a while.)

 

Hang in there, mustangsally, and know that you are definitely good enough for someone. May not always be the person you want... but they're out there.

[mustangsally]

Sucks that he can lie and cheat and manipulate and still get what he wants in the end and then I'm left alone. He probably wanted this other girl the whole time anyway since everyone they know wants her.