Girlfriend moved out, loneliness is crushing

[La Cerveza]

My girlfriend of two and a half years moved out this weekend. We were out of town for a wedding and we got into a fight, she left town to come back, and when I got back all of her things were gone.

 

We had a very up and down relationship. It was the type of situation where the good was great and the bad led to regular fighting, much of which was never resolved.

 

The problem is I poured my entire life into the relationship to make it work. My girlfriend was five years older (I'm 28) and wanted to settle down. I was completely in love with her and felt the same way. She moved in and we became constant companions -- we traveled together to and from work, we did all activities together, and we were rarely apart. Most hanging out with friends was done in couples situations, but I was new to the city when we met and she was not so most of the friends were hers. In the past year we didn't go out much, preferring to stay in to cook and cuddle up with a movie on most weekends (which I was happy with and didn't miss the outgoing social life).

 

The fighting had really been taking its toll, to the point where I no longer felt comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings with her and was always anticipating our next fight. The final fight was enough to break the camel's back and make me realize the relationship was not the best and I didn't try to make her stay when she decided to leave.

 

The problem now is that I have no idea how to move on. The loneliness is absolutely crushing. I'm a man with very few friends in the city I live in, and thinking about all of the planned events (baseball games, concerts) I had planned with my GF has led me to the realization that I don't really have anyone in my life to do these things with. I recently took a job at a startup where I'm a one man department and the other employees view the company as their baby and I'm an outsider. I'm longing for my girlfriend and have spent most of the past few days missing her companionship and feeling alone.

 

In the long run I know that trying to re-acclimate myself to the social scene, make new friends, take up hobbies, etc. will be the best way to move on. But in the interim I don't know what to do. I've considered counseling but I don't know how to fill the rest of my days. I don't know if trying for better closure with my GF will improve things or make them worse. I've thought about packing up, leaving everything behind and trying to reinvent myself in a new city. If anyone has had a similar experience I'm desperate for advice.

[day-dreaming]

I foresee the regulars coming to give you the typical advice for you to take the time to work on yourself. This can be helpful-- force yourself out to meet new people, go to the gym, eat better, focus on work, find a new hobby, join meetup and try to go to different activities and find new friends-- just get outside and the sun/fresh air will make you feel better.

 

I think the biggest thing that has helped me when I have been in your shoes is realizing you're not the only one. Heartbreak is rather universal-- millions upon millions of people have been through this before and will go through it again. Your situation is not unique and you can read countless threads on here of people in similar situations. Time will keep moving, the sun will rise and set in each passing day. A week from now you will feel a little better than you do now. A month from now you will feel better than you did at the week mark. Sure you will have really bad days that set you back but you're moving forward, as we all are.

 

Enjoy the peace and quiet-- turbulence caused from constant fighting can be tiring. Take this time to take care of yourself and get your life in order while you plan what to do next. But.. do remember you're not alone.

[KathyM]

I don't think it's necessary to throw your whole life away and start over from scratch, moving to another city, etc., just because one piece of your life is now changed. But you do need to add some things to your life to make up for the loss. Work on cultivating your male friendships and that will help to some extent. You could ask a guy from work if he'd like to catch a baseball game sometime. That's something that a lot of guys do with other guys. You can work on developing your guy friends, and then when you are ready to start dating again, that will fill up the lonliness. My son went through this just recently. He dated a girl for 2 1/2 years, was very much in love with her, and they were inseparable. They didn't live together, but spent every day together, and when their relationship ended, he was at a loss for what to do with all his free time and feeling like he wanted to go places, just like you are feeling, but had no one to do those things with anymore. To fill that emptiness, he started to reconnect with his guy friends, started to get into a weight lifting program to build muscle, developed a career plan and is working towards that, and is gradually building up his social life again with no rush to find another gf. So the answer is, you don't have to take away whatever is good in your life or move to another city to get over this, but you do need to find things to fill that time that used to be devoted to the relationship, and in the process, you will be better off for it when you are ready for another gf.