trying to make sense of this

[SheWasMyPairAdice]

Hello Ladies and Gents,

 

Stumbled on this website and thought why not toss out my current situation and see perhaps an outside view would help me see things a little more clearly. I apologize in advance if this is a long read but sometimes the smallest detail could affect the outlook on the situation.

 

-Broke a cardinal rule by chatting to a female client of mine through work, usually don’t do that but she is one of the only few women I ever met who still after two years can enter a room and would instantly give me butterflies. She always carried herself in a professional manner and is articulate and at times I found more on the reserved side. It was actually through chance encounters we started chatting outside of my work.

 

-Chatting turned into harmful flirting and joking, to which one night she called me out and questioned me if I was alluding to a previous statement I made hinting for a date! After tip-toeing around I finally "manned up," and replied yes perhaps I was.

 

-There is 8 years in age difference where I am in the middle of my career she is beginning hers, she had been accepted into top medical school and will start in a few months.Outside of work, I soon realized she has two alter egos’ the professional reserved women I met and then the starving student who works as a bartender to make ends meet. I swear I never seen her sleep yet. It’s not uncommon after finishing work 2 am she and friends/ coworkers hop in a car to party somewhere till late afternoon the next day. I get it, I was there once but now my priorities changed, I can still party but now do it in moderation.

 

-During one of our dinners she confided in me she had a very strict upbringing (borderline abuse if you ask me). For that she rebels against control and hates anything gender related to a certain degree, for instance I have a habit of opening a car door for a lady and she was by no means offended but irked her in a way. We laugh about it now when I attemptedto stop one night; she insisted I do so as she kind of likes it now.

 

-She also just ended a 10 year relationship she started in her teens, the previous ex was controlling and manipulative, probably knew he was over his head so made her feel insignificant and stupid and perhaps ugly enough so she wouldn’t leave and realize she could do so much better! She knows now! She also made a point to explain to me right now the idea of dating or “commitment,’ makes her want to run the other way hard and fast! I can respect that 10 year loss of your party years she probably wants to explore all she missed out on. Plus there's gotta be a trust issue somewhere along those lines, I’ve got time, I’ve got patience I am willing to go for the ride to show her I would never bring her harm! She makes a point of just wanting live for moment and I can respect that given her past, but part of me wants to stick around in case her feelings may change. She also explained she’s going to make the most of the summer until school starts and her priorities will drastically change aka no more nights out!

 

-Aside from dinners we partied out a couple of times which always ended her at my place and making out for infinite hours, I feel on top of the world at the moment but at the same time I wonder to myself does she do this with every other guys, she expressed she doesn’t want to commit before and lives for the moment. I am not that kind of guy although she owes me nothing I also feel I have enough self-respectthat I rather find someone who sees more value in me then just a number. She has reassured me she doesn’t randomly make out with just anyone but at the same time doesn’t wanna have to justify her actions the next day.. Such as if the guy is questioning is there something more.

 

-It’s the small things that makes me question things, she always the first to text me usually with a “good morning,” and we continue to chat all throughout the day, she is usually on the go with friends and even makes a point to stay in contact, whether that even be in the late nights after her work she is still out partying with friends and coworkers. She feeds me food of her plate and insists I sip her wine, she offers to cook me dinners to show me how she can cook. We cuddle when we watch movies, she likes to take walks down by the water (she is a huge nature freak), and in my head I keep thinking is this normal with friends?

 

-One night we all went to the bar, she is a light drunk, few drinks and she’s done. She claims to get tunnel vision, so during the course of the night a guy approached her and they continued to chat for most of the night, I didn’t say anything.. Hey, she hates controlling guys, and besides she isn’t my girlfriend. I was with my friends anyhow who were visiting town for the night. It took her best friend who I only met twice and adores me for some reason and is usually her partner in crime to encourage trouble. Her best friend actually without my consent or knowledge intervene and made her feel like crap as well made a point of telling her she is disrespecting me. She tried to talk to me after the bar at my house (after party), and apologize but at the same time made a point of saying it was harmless chatting, to which I replied you are not mine or my girl you don’t owe me anything much less an explanation. I tried to play it cool she pounced on me and we made out for afew hours… okay I was drunk as well. Next morning I get long winded text of apologies and how she disrespected the two closest people to her, me being one of them and her best friend (apparently they argued in the bar when her friend confronted her). She explained she understood if I never wanted to see her again, but I assured her she was blowing it out of proportion and then later after what I thought was okay she insisted I was still “hurting” and that if I needed space she would respect that! Huh? I am confused… thought you do that with someone you have emotional attachment or in a relationship with?

 

-The following week convo (via text), seemed distant, I wasn’t my jokingly funny self as she loves and her conversation was short but she still made a point of texting all through the morning and night anyhow. Two nights ago, I get a phone call 3am, it was her although we haven’t hung in a while as she is always busy with friends and work, I answered the call assuming it was something urgent as we usually communicate by text. She explained she wanted me to hear it first from her, apparently my friend bumped into a male co-worker of hers at some bar the same night and they somehow got onto the topic of her. Co-worker claimed he was dating her and my friend as a joke claimed that was impossible. Co-worker texts her instantly saying he hates her and never speak to her again. She calls me to explain in case I hear the story from my friend that she and the co-worker hung out once and he asked her to dinner to which she agreed but they never went. She didn’t think much as according to her he brings in women all the time to work and introduces them to her so she assumed they harmlessly hung out. You could tell she wanted to say more… I sobered upfrom my sleep and demanded she spill it… she was hesitant so I said let me fill in the blanks. You wanna know why do guys feel that because you entertain a dinner, or hang out or even make out that they think instantly that they are the exclusive one? Or feel that you have to justify any of your actions as you always made it clear you are living now for the moment and had not promised anyone anything. She sighed and said exactly. I put my thoughts in and finished off by saying, please don’t group me with all your other guys , yes I like you and willing to put in a fight till I feel I made a honest effort or that I am have worn out my welcome. I said I get her past and understand fully why she is rebelling but for now I see value in her and want to stick around as we both don’t know what the future holds. She questioned me if I stopped going on dates with other girls, and I was honest and said no, just that she has become a little higher to the top of my list since I become to know her more. She laughed and said good, I don’t want you to stop seeing other women on the account of me. I assured her I wouldn’t but expressed she does give lots of mixed singles where even I have been confused a time or two. I asked her with all due respect if I mean so much more to her as she claims I am her second closest friend then I requested her to always be honest and up front with me. I also concluded that I am still in it for the ride for now but the instant I feel that I am just a number or an opportunity then I will respect her and myself more importantly by bowing out gracefully and finding someone that can appreciate me for what I am. She acknowledged

Please shed some light… I know all my friends are saying walk away, but I can’t, I always loved a challenge and am stubborn by nature…and I think she is worth the fight!!

Edited July 3, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TaraMaiden]

I really am not sure what your problem is...?

 

You guys are FWB... Friends With Benefits.

You're not 'exclusive' and I don't know if you want to take it further or not, but if you're happy, and she's happy, where's the fire?

 

I'll agree she has baggage, but that's not for you to field or take care of.

If she has baggage, that's for her to confront, you're not her analyst, neither should you be, and neither should you feel obligated to 'make allowances' for her past.

If her past causes her to have issues with commitment, gender-roles and gentlemanly behaviour, this is her problem, and not one you should alter your behaviour for.

I love the saying:

"A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine."

 

Read:

"A whole host of issues on your part does not constitute the requirement for amendment of my behaviour, on mine."

[SheWasMyPairAdice]

Point taken! Guess I should have mentioned I had started to develop more feelings for her each time. In essence would rather something exclusive, I just feel at times I am there for convenience and at other times I mean that much more to her! I know given her situation there is no way of confronting it without her being scared away. Or if she claims I'm one of her closer friends then maybe she'll weather the storm! She's comes off hard at times so I can see it going either way!

[ludic]

It's good that you are not letting your ego get in the way... but you should also not let her treat you with no respect.

 

Unless you both agree to see other people and each other, even when out in the same bar or nightclub, unless you agree to this its not respectful of her to chat up and flirt with other people.

 

You say you like a challenge, that means you want her man...

Then you should think of telling her you want her, and you can have a relationship without imposing the crap her x did.

Normal people have relationships and have friends

[TaraMaiden]

I personally would not want to commit to somebody who's already hard work and who's carrying a lot of baggage.

A person of this kind - who knows they're difficult, demanding and can be 'complicated' - actually has a big Ego - because life revolves around them and their issues... there's a subtle undercurrent of "I'm like this because of...."

 

These people often use the past as a crutch, as a get-out-of-jail card... "I can't help it, *this* happened to me so...."

 

This is an abdication of personal responsibility - instead of facing the fact that this is both a hurdle and a hindrance, they 'shrug' and say "This is how I am, accept it."

 

Cop-out. This asks you to deal with their defects, while they happily go on identifying with the problem and letting it be who they are, instead of confronting it and dealing with it for the impostor it is.

[SheWasMyPairAdice]

Ludic: "You say you like a challenge, that means you want her man... "

Dunno why but that made me laugh.. thanks bro! and thanks for the words of advice!

 

TaraMaiden: Ugh! why do you have to make complete sense! lol You definitely have great insight and very wise in your ways!

 

I should point out, bare in mind in order to show the significance of my situation of course only her downfalls have been brought to light, I mean afterall her good far outweighs her bad by far or I would never had stuck my hand in the cookie jar! She does have baggage to a degree but was only brought up once in conversation in order to understand her past and learning more about her. I honestly don't think she is using it as a disclaimer or a barricade to hide behind but then again what do I know I just may be a little blindsided...lol

 

Thanks again for the advice!