beenburned Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Would you want to know if your spouse was cheating on you? Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 It seems like this question has been asked in one form or another quite a few times. Anyway, yes I would like to know so I could know the kind of person I was married to - especially if this was not the first time. Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 this is an interesting twist on the question...if you are a wayward spouse, and your wife was cheating on you, would you want to know, or would you accept the excuses for dishonesty so often bandied about on here ( "I don't want to hurt them". " I don't think they can handle it", " I don't want to leave, I just want something on the side", " I need to make sure leaving is what I really want", etc., etc., etc.) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 this is an interesting twist on the question I thought so too. Frankly, I think it would be an instant deal breaker for most WS. Link to post Share on other sites
rheinhessen Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I'm not going to lie, I am a WS and I have cheated. If I was cheated on, I would react in the same way as any BS probably would. Double standards? Yeah. So sue me. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 WS's usually have a double standard when it comes to cheating. If they do it, it's OK, but if their spouse would do it to them, all of a sudden it's not OK. I know a couple whose husband cheated repeatedly, but as soon as the wife retaliated with a revenge affair, he divorced her. Nobody wants to live in the dark or be made a fool of. Nobody wants to be cheated on--not even the cheaters themselves. It's a pretty selfish deal--holding your spouse to a standard of fidelity, commitment and exclusivity while you yourself are breaking all of those standards. WS's would certainly want to know the truth if their spouse were cheating on them, but they themselves don't feel the need to disclose their own dishonesty. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SomedayDig Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Lots of truth in this thread. My wife told me if the shoe were on the other foot, she probably would have walked. Interesting stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 When my H had his affair years before mine, I knew something was not right and kept asking him - eventually he told me. The thought of leaving him never crossed my mind. I wanted our marriage, I wanted him. Years later when I had my affair, when I told him about it, I did not expect him to stay. I did not for one moment think "well I stayed therefore he should". As far as I was concerned, the most likely outcome would be the end of the marriage. Thankfully it was not. As for the future. Our marriage is better and stronger, we communicate so much more so I would like to think that we would not let things get that bad again. But if he did have an affair I would want to know and I also do not assume that would be the end of us. I would want us to decide together whether we still had something worth fighting for. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Would you want to know if your spouse was cheating on you? Having dealt with some of this, my perspective aligns with the following: A. If the goal is recovering the M, I'd want to know. B. If the goal is divorce, ignorance is bliss, even if discovery takes place much later, far after the pain and grief of divorce has been processed. Link to post Share on other sites
96nole Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I wonder if it would hit most WS's harder. If the WS is cheating for selfish reasons, they are only thinking of themselves. Thus if the BS is also cheating, then they are not thinking of the WS who thinks that everyone should be thinking of them. Perhaps they are cheating for the feeling of power. The WS feels they have power over the BS. Then when the WS finds out the BS is also cheating, the WS no longer feels powerful. Perhaps even less than before the affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Crooks can steal but try stealing from a crook and there will be hell to pay. Crooks and cheaters all play from the same rule book. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Lots of truth in this thread. My wife told me if the shoe were on the other foot, she probably would have walked. Interesting stuff. Ok - maybe she would have. The thing is when it actually happens most people respond differently than they thought they would. I mean who ever said "I'd try to reconcile with my spouse if they cheated on me" ? Nearly all of us said that infidelity would be a deal-breaker yet how many of us BS's on here have tried and are still trying to make it work? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SomedayDig Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 A most excellent point. I think at this stage of our reconciliation, she may have changed her tune. However, its immaterial since it isn't gonna be a decision she needs to ever make. Link to post Share on other sites
MoneyWorld Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Would you want to know if your spouse was cheating on you? My first wife, no, wouldn't care and didn't care. She quite probably was but we weren't close enough for the last couple of years for me to know either way. Confirmation one way or the other wouldn't have made any difference, we hated one another sufficiently already. My current wife yes I would likely want to know, though we seem to have good enough communication that we'd probably end up discussing it before anything happened anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radagast Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 My first wife, no, wouldn't care and didn't care. She quite probably was but we weren't close enough for the last couple of years for me to know either way. Confirmation one way or the other wouldn't have made any difference, we hated one another sufficiently already. My current wife yes I would likely want to know, though we seem to have good enough communication that we'd probably end up discussing it before anything happened anyway. My views are similar. With my ex-wife, that I was unfaithful to, I would not have cared remotely. I expected it of her, she'd done it before with her first marriage, and it was consistent with her values of finding marriage oppressive and monogamy unnatural and cramping her style as a woman so I assumed at various points of the thirty year marriage that she was getting her needs met elsewhere and that was why our marriage was sexless. During my own affair I suggested to her several times that she find someone else, if she did not already have someone else, especially when she complained about my lack of interest in her sexually. She did not like the suggestions. Frankly, I would have been grateful if some other man had taken her off my hands! My current marriage is very different. We discuss everything and share everything and I know that she would tell me if she wanted to have sex with someone else, the same way that I would if, god forbid, I ever wanted to have sex with someone else. We've learned from the affair and from our previous relationships and we are both really committed to making our marriage thrive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beenburned Posted July 4, 2012 Author Share Posted July 4, 2012 Thank you for all the replies! My FWS also said if I had cheated on him, he would have divorced me! I asked why, and he said " nobody treats me like that and gets away with it". For the WS that answered they would divorce if their spouse cheated on them: Why? What is your exact reason behind this thought process? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Yes, I would want to know. However, I can't tell you what I would do. I guess it would depend on how remorseful he is, and what actions he takes after d-day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beenburned Posted July 5, 2012 Author Share Posted July 5, 2012 FS, The thoughts in your post are exactly what I was wondering about!! As a wayward(past or present), why would you expect or want different treatment from your spouse than what you gave to others when you were actively cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 FS, The thoughts in your post are exactly what I was wondering about!! As a wayward(past or present), why would you expect or want different treatment from your spouse than what you gave to others when you were actively cheating? fBS...I think it goes to selfish, self-entitlement. After dday, I asked him if to think long and hard about if I had done every devious act he had during an affair, would he still be here? And he said, yes, he would be, he thinks. I was incredulous! This is the same man who STILL is jealous over an old college bf of mine. NO WAY. That is why I always caution OW to think hard on the excuses provided to maintain the secrecy of an affair. Is it that he is trying to protect the children and his assests? Or is he really trying to ensure his wife, if informed of the truth, wouldn't go out the next day and find her own lover? Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Yes I would want to know wondering is not a good feeling.Knowing would give me the opportunity to decide on whether I want to move on or stay. If I knew I would not be wasting time with someone who did not care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 I'm not going to lie, I am a WS and I have cheated. If I was cheated on, I would react in the same way as any BS probably would. Double standards? Yeah. So sue me. After reading through your story and the continued wisheywashyness of splitting with your lover... I wonder if you removed the wine from the equation if any of this would have happened. Stone cold sober each and every day is a real eye opener to what is really going on in life. Alcohol is great for vainglory... seeing life through red wine colored glasses. A side effect to that is that it also makes ugly seem attractive. You may not have ever been "drunk" or ui doing these things, but your mind plotted them, likely mostly while high when the excitement can really sink its teeth. Likely enjoyed the pre pa fantasies almost as much as the real thing. Real change? Loose the booze. It is a lie to think that one cannot enjoy a life without alcohol. If you choose not to make that change, then later in life you will never really know if you would have made better choices; chosen better paths with a clear mind. I write these things because your posts have a feel of someone who has yet to realize the icy coldness of the reality she has created. That you enjoying the drama... but be careful... ten or twenty years go by quick, and if you had yet to land a good man by then... well how many guys would you have gone through? You would need some good luck finding a good man that would want a woman that has been around the world. Your H? Stay together or no... the details of your affair will chew on him till the day he dies. Be aware that he will act out, and it may not readily be apparent what set him off as those triggers are everywhere. You will have fun helping him eat that sandwich. It does sound like he loves you though... No matter what though, It is time for real change rheinhessen. The OM was just a symptom. What deep changes are you going to make? -Jonah 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aanderson088 Posted August 27, 2012 Share Posted August 27, 2012 Yes I would. As soon as I found out I would ask her what turned her to this other man and if she felt like there could be a solution to it. It would be tough. I don't know if I could feel angry about that though. I've been the cheater and I would want to exercise some understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
losingmyground Posted August 27, 2012 Share Posted August 27, 2012 Would my husband want to know? Most likely not. Would he stay? I doubt it. It would be so far from my character to cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
MourningLosses Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 (edited) For sure if I found out H was cheating on me I'd kick him out. No question. I kicked him out for less (just wanting me for sex). We eventually got back together and I am still not happy he saw someone else while we were separated, even though I told him to. I cannot imagine taking him back if he actually lied to me! I would want to know. And I would kick his ass. I trust he would do the same to me if he knew. Edited August 28, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Recovering_Wayward Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 Would you want to know if your spouse was cheating on you? of course I would. Why would I not? Link to post Share on other sites
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