samj420 Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I met this woman in December 2005. I was married for 30 years at the time. I think it was almost instant love for her but it took me about three months to fall in love with her. I was in a loveless marriage prior to meeting her. And it was my first romance other than my wife. My wife found out. From then on I was trying to get a divorce. I told my gf that I wanted to wait till my younger daughter graduated from HS. She kept waiting. Then my son got into drugs. So I asked her for some time to tide over this crisis. She kept waiting. Meanwhile I tried to sell the house for 3 years, w/o which I would not have enough resources to divorce. The house never sold. Fast forward 5 1/2 years. Last June , 2011 she broke up with me. She said that she felt like a broken woman. She could not partake in one more moment of adultery. I was crushed. We had the most beautiful relationship that transcended the physical. We never fought. We cared for each other. It has been a year since I have seen her. Initially she kept in contact. She kept telling me that she can take the next step only after I was divorced. Over the months she stopped talking to me. She would ignore my calls. However, every now and then she would send me an email saying how much she loved me and that she could not even think of another man touching her. March of this year, the house finally sold. I told her about this and she was so excited.I started the divorce proceedings. We talked like old times for 5 days thereafter. Then she disappeared from the radar once again. I have been in agony for the last year. This constant push pull effect has worn me down.A person who used to call me 5 times a day including waking me up with a phone call in the morning had gone.(this was a long dist relationship. I used to meet her every thursday night to friday.) Finally on May 1, I called her and she hung up on me. First time in 5 1/2 years.. She may be distracted. She is now 54 and I am 59. Perhaps she has decided to move on and found another person. But i would have expected her to tell me the truth. Now here I am in the final stages of my divorce, and she won't even talk to me. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 This constant push pull effect has worn me down. This phrase jumped out at me...if a year of push-pull had this effect on you, you can only imagine how 5 1/2 years of it wore on her. It sounds like she has found a way to move on. Your marriage was loveless anyway - so isn't it best you're out of it at last, regardless of whether the OW is still waiting for you? As for the exOW - it does sound like she's found someone new, and it may be that he doesn't want her to be in touch with you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Sam, sorry that you have had to deal with this pain. We all deal with it at one point or another. She had to endure the pain of being put on hold and now it's your turn. The day may come when you will be together as a couple. You never know. What you have to do is decide whether you want your intentions known. Do you want her to know that you love her and will be willing to wait as long as you can. Do you want to just walk away and not even try. It's all up to you. Her not communicating can mean many things. You weren't honest in your marriage, be honest now. Say what you have to and need to. Do it with no regrets. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 She changed her mind, for whatever reason..Maybe she felt like she waited for you too long and even though you're in the process of divorcing, she realized she was happy enough with just having an affair with you.. Now that there's a real chance of a relationship, she decided she didn't want that. I still hope you go through the divorce, reguardless of what your (ex)OW does or doesn't do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ac11442 Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Sam, I recently went into nc with my xMM against my will for the most part. But I'm respecting it. It's been a month and I haven't sent one text, email, or called. He told me the last time we talked that the only way I would hear from him again is if he was completely divorced, paperwork in hand. I told him not to do that, it wasn't fair to me. That if it's been 6 months, a year, 2 years and I've moved on and been through hell then it's just cruel to call me. Maybe this is what happened to your friend. She was on the hook with you for more than 5 years. But you went a year without seeing each other. And you said she initially kept in contact but then it tapered off. That's the healing. If you want to know what she went through during that year read some of the other threads. Men and women alike, it's not pretty. If you honestly love her then stop contacting her. She knows you're getting divorced. You've told her. Now the balls in her court. If you absolutely must contact her one more time (I know, hard to resist) then tell her that it's the last time. Let her know you're leaving it up to her. Then stick to it, that's the hardest part. You led her on for years, intentional or not. She grieved, she mourned, she moved on. Respect that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
delirious Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 I have been with my mm for four years. He gave the same excuse as you and he has been married for 30 years. Recently I stopped believing anything would ever happen and I have seriously told him I'm not happy. It is a matter of time before I end it. I have been warning him I am going to if he does not do something positive for me, he is now taking notice. If she is like me 5 1/2 years is a hell of a long time and she is wondering if her life will ever be happy. If she waited that long I am sure she loves you still. Send her a letter??? Prove to her that you mean it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sad puppy Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 You strung her along for 5 years, you are a real piece of work. And now you expect her to just be waiting for you with open arms? I pray she has found a wonderful man who is showing her what true love and respect are. I hope she never contacts you ever again. You should've manned up and divorced if your love for her was so powerful, instead you strung her along and made her life a living hell. Hopefully, now you'll pay for that. By never hearing from her again. That's what you get for being a selfish coward. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
delirious Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 You strung her along for 5 years, you are a real piece of work. And now you expect her to just be waiting for you with open arms? I pray she has found a wonderful man who is showing her what true love and respect are. I hope she never contacts you ever again. You should've manned up and divorced if your love for her was so powerful, instead you strung her along and made her life a living hell. Hopefully, now you'll pay for that. By never hearing from her again. That's what you get for being a selfish coward. Living Hell, yes that would best describe how it feels, I know, I am in it and so is my MM. I went out with a SG recently and got back some of my self respect, I had accepted so little for so long. Then after SG and I parted (because of MM) I realised I had lots to offer someone and MM didn't deserve me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author samj420 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Share Posted July 5, 2012 Thank you for the kind words, although one response was quite brutal. It looks like I hit a nerve with that person. Unless you are in my shoes, you would never know the pain I went through. I was NOT stringing her along. What would you do if you have a son on drugs who is going through rehab? Does the OW come first or your son? What would you do if after paying for mortgage, second mortgage, separate maintenance for soon to be ex-wife, student loans and home equity loan, you were left with $100? Would it be fair to go live with the OW? An d live off her?I did take all the steps albeit slowly. Now the house is sold, paid off one student loan and I can breathe financially. But for whatever reason she has moved on. She knows I love her very much. Of that I have absolutely no doubt. It seems that she just wasn't willing to wait another day, although she initially thought she could. Meanwhile she probably found someone. I truly hope she is happy. All I wanted was for her to be up front and tell me that. But I guess I just have to find closure within myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author samj420 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Share Posted July 5, 2012 I forgot to mention that she was divorced 3 times. On the face of it, one would think "why in the world would you want her?". But I truly believed that it was not all her fault. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. After 4 1/2 years she told me she had Gen Herpes. Despite that, I loved her and was working towards a divorce. After the breakup I even paid her $1000 to see a psychologist, not expecting ANYTHING whatsoever in return. If that is a sign of a coward and a "stringer" then I am guilty as charged. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 I forgot to mention that she was divorced 3 times. On the face of it, one would think "why in the world would you want her?". But I truly believed that it was not all her fault. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. After 4 1/2 years she told me she had Gen Herpes. Despite that, I loved her and was working towards a divorce. After the breakup I even paid her $1000 to see a psychologist, not expecting ANYTHING whatsoever in return. If that is a sign of a coward and a "stringer" then I am guilty as charged. You were the one cheating, and yet you "gave her the benefit of the doubt"??? Your sense of entitlement is unbelievable. Maybe you should see a psychologist? Like many MM, I'm sure you tossed her many crumbs (like the psych bill) to keep her where you wanted her. So yes, you definitely strung her along. And you do expect something in return, because you are upset that she was not waiting for you. People aren't toys. You can't take them off the shelf when you want to play and put them back when it's not convenient. Although it may have been out of sight, out of mind for you, your OW may have actually HAD A LIFE when she was sitting on your shelf. A life with others. A life without you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sad puppy Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 In your defense you are now sharing that she was divorced 3x and that she has herpes? Somehow trying to make yourself look like a good guy? You strung her along for 5 years and now you expect her to be waiting for you? And your son on drugs ir whatever never ending litany of problems you have going on doesn't change anything. Bottom line, you're upset she's done with you. Game over, you lost. You had 5 years to make it happen. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author samj420 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Share Posted July 5, 2012 Lady Grey thank you for a modicum of kind words. If I knew I was going to be beaten to a pulp I would never have come on this forum. Thanks anyway. And Sad-Puppy, you do have an apt name. Forget I even aired my grevience Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Thank you for the kind words, although one response was quite brutal. It looks like I hit a nerve with that person. Unless you are in my shoes, you would never know the pain I went through. I was NOT stringing her along. What would you do if you have a son on drugs who is going through rehab? Does the OW come first or your son? What would you do if after paying for mortgage, second mortgage, separate maintenance for soon to be ex-wife, student loans and home equity loan, you were left with $100? Would it be fair to go live with the OW? An d live off her?I did take all the steps albeit slowly. Now the house is sold, paid off one student loan and I can breathe financially. But for whatever reason she has moved on. She knows I love her very much. Of that I have absolutely no doubt. It seems that she just wasn't willing to wait another day, although she initially thought she could. Meanwhile she probably found someone. I truly hope she is happy. All I wanted was for her to be up front and tell me that. But I guess I just have to find closure within myself. Some people read with their own pain and heartache, tend to project their own situation and feelings into someone else's situation, which is why at times various responses are harsher than others. Ignore the advice you don't agree with and focus on the advice you find most helpful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 In your defense you are now sharing that she was divorced 3x and that she has herpes? Somehow trying to make yourself look like a good guy? You strung her along for 5 years and now you expect her to be waiting for you? And your son on drugs ir whatever never ending litany of problems you have going on doesn't change anything. Bottom line, you're upset she's done with you. Game over, you lost. You had 5 years to make it happen. They are OW on here who are still waiting and will wait until that D happens. I can think of 3 OW who have been with their MM for over 7 years! Just this particular OW had enough. Why are you harping on him? He also is no different that any other MM who has posted on here and he deserves to have the same respect that you all expect from BS, so just because he is a MM doesn't mean people have to be rude. Link to post Share on other sites
Author samj420 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Share Posted July 5, 2012 WhichwayisUp I agree. God knows I am already being punished. I didn't come to this forum to get a thrashing. I just wanted some advice and perhaps some kind words. If one can offer only harsh words then one is better being quiet. I have also read many posts here that talks about OM/OW waiting and waiting with the MM/MW having NO intention whatsoever of leaving their spouses. At least I got the ball rolling and sold my house and applied for a divorce. I wonder what kind of thrashing they got... Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 In your defense you are now sharing that she was divorced 3x and that she has herpes? Somehow trying to make yourself look like a good guy? He's devaluing the OW to us, just like he probably devalued his wife to his OW. It's all excuses to avoid accountability and gain sympathy. He's really a great guy. All of this "just happened to him", you know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author samj420 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Share Posted July 5, 2012 QuietStorm. For you information my marriage was over in 2003. I have never slept with my wife since then. I had a separate maintenance agreement since 2003. My kids were too young for me to get out at that time. IT was a divorce waiting to happen. I met the OW in 2005. Oh did I mention to you that she was married at the time? Perhaps not. On the contrary I am not devaluing the OW nor my wife. I still love my wife but in love with the OW. How can you even assume that I was devaluing them? Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Advice: 1. Attempt to mend your relationship with your children. Admit & apologize for the part you played in their issues. 2. Seek counseling & try to gain insight into your behvaior. 3. Leave OW alone. 4. Leave your wife alone. 5. Surround yourself with positive people and activities, which will keep your focus off OW and help you to meet new people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author samj420 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Share Posted July 5, 2012 Even before you could write (1-5) I am doing all this. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 How can you even assume that I was devaluing them? Because when people call you on your BS, you consistently point out their bad qualities to take the focus off of your own shortcomings. You just did it above when pointing out that OW was also married during the affair. It comes off like you're saying "Yeah, I'm a cheater but that's OK because I was confused and I wasn't having sex with my wife anyway and the kids were too little to leave and I had too many bills to pay and yeah all that sucks but I finally left and now OW has audacity to reject me! That herpes ridden ho!" Sorry, but that is the way you come off to me. I'm not a bitter betrayed spouse, either, I am married with no infidelity. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author samj420 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Share Posted July 5, 2012 QS. I cant help but feel you have a lot of unresolved issues. I wish you well Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 QS. I cant help but feel you have a lot of unresolved issues. I wish you well Now you're devaluing me. Since I am not sympathetic to your plight, there must be something wrong with me. I'm just trying to help you see the defense mechanisms you are using. I apologize if my words are too harsh, but I don't sugarcoat. It would benefit you to gain insight into your behavior, but I do understand that you aren't ready for my brand of advice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author samj420 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Share Posted July 5, 2012 You are quite right. You need to be happy from inside before you can radiate happiness and dispense advice on such matters. So i would respectfully decline any advice from you. Much regards Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Now you're devaluing me. Since I am not sympathetic to your plight, there must be something wrong with me. I'm just trying to help you see the defense mechanisms you are using. I apologize if my words are too harsh, but I don't sugarcoat. It would benefit you to gain insight into your behavior, but I do understand that you aren't ready for my brand of advice. Touche! samj....she sounds done with you. She has moved on and no longer wishes to have any contact with you. There is nothing you can do except to move on yourself. I wish there was more that could be said to make you feel better about your situation, but I cannot think of a single thing. You need to mourn the relationship you had hoped to have with her once the divorce became final. Then you need to become the best person you can be for first yourself, and then....down the road....possible another. Link to post Share on other sites
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