Why Can I not feel safe?

[Ashleyfire]

I am 30 female and currently in a long term relationship with my boyfriend of 10 years.

We havent had the smoothest of relationships sadly.

 

We were best friends who realised we loved each other and thus spawned our relationship at 20. At 21 he asked me to marry him and it made me so happy, i was so in love with this man whom i lusted over for so long and happy that he felt he wanted me to be his wife.

During the next year we never fell out of love but hit some hard times where he left his job to move closer to me and thus begin our life in the city - i will not lie, it was hard as he was receiving no benefits and i had to support him for a very long time but the patience was worth it and he landed a great paying job in an area he loved.

 

We were happy for around 5 years then suddenly a lot of bad things happened to me in the space of 6 months, job stress, exam failing, death of a close relative, landlord sold our rented home and had to move in with my mother for a while. during this time i was stressed but i felt like i was coping and fiance showed no signs of issues however i had passed by as he was writing to his ex regarding our relationship about how we were falling appart, how we arent going to make it, how im drifting away etc etc.

I was heartbroken when i read this but he didnt know i saw it and never told me until 6 months later when i had to bring it up during a large public fight.

We got it out and went back to normal but it didnt feel right, he was withdrawn, i didnt feel like i could speak to him, he was cold and started arguments so quickly over nothing at all and blamed me for them everytime.

Because of this, i fell for a young handsome friend who supported me through this but revealed he had feelings for me and i didnt but it felt good to know i could attract someone as handsome and young as him and sadly exchanged messages which shouldnt have been exchanged to anyone other than a partner. I felt wrong doing it but it gave me some relief from the stress i was under at the time.

At the same time, my fiance, despite having a great job, was not paying bills and incurred a lot of debt and at one point had electricity board up trying to break into our house to replace the meter.

 

Needless to say, fate showed its hand and fiance found out - large argument, screaming then finally cuddling and crying and then discussing our issues - all of them including how i felt about this boy together. i felt we had finally done what needed to be done and i felt safe once again and could see a future with his man again but i did break off my engagement because i didnt feel right continuing it after what we had been through.

 

All was well - a few "late payment" reminders for my boyfriend seen but apparently dealt with and i trusted he was doing this. Then this year, they began appearing in bulk again - he began hiding them again but i manage to find them when i clean the house

I find out he's got 2 loans in less than a year, he's got a payday loan, he's not paying bills again and this is what REALLY annoys me - he's been lying about his wage and has been making nearly 1k more than what he's been telling me - fair enough it is his money but he is broke by end of week 2 and i have to keep him going till end of month thus not enjoying my money.

 

I confronted him last night regarding this, giving limited info on what "i" knew but holding back on what i really knew and he only gave me the information of what i had told him of, not knowing i really know he's got a lot more problems. I feel scared again, i feel like we cant have a future together because this debt is going to get out of control. i have family members in this situation and i have worked hard to never be in their shoes but it feels that it could be possible. i have offered help in the past which he took up but then quickly turned down again but he's never going to get this sorted. he's mentioned bankrupsy in the past but tbh, he's got such a lazy view on how important money is - he defaulted on a store card and waited 7 years for it to drop off only for it to fall off and then apply for a credit card which is no where to be seen but i know its in use.

 

i am so confused and lost. its hurting that im scared to commit to this man and at the same time, my best friend has confessed he has feelings for me and i do for him - i would never do anything as this man is married (and sadly finally revealed to me today that he too is having problems - scarily not that far different from my own with his wife) and it would kill me to hurt my boyfriend but its so tempting and we have been in the situation a few times where we have nearly kissed but i panic and i walk away every time.

to top it all, in 2 months - 6 family members have been put in hospital for several different illnesses - one sadly only has months left and in less than a year i have went from size 22/17 stone to size 16/13 stone because of the stress.

 

i dont know if i should give up and realise that i cant trust my life in someone who's so lax about debt or if i should stay and help him through it - i will always be his friend but from the first time i discovered his problem 4 years ago till now - he has never revealed where his money goes. i acknowledge gambling could be the issue but he wont let me in

[Philosoraptor]

It doesn't sound like there's much trust on either side of this relationship. What do you want to do about this? All I can suggest is couples counseling as this is just a mess that is going to continue to explode.