I slept with my room-mate without knowing he had been sleeping with our other room-ma

[Cealabeala]

So here's a crazy situation...

 

I have been living with two of my room-mates, A and B, for nearly a year. We are all pretty much best friends, though they are closer having been friends for longer. A few months ago, B's little brother C moved in with us. Everything got off to a great start, as apart from being messy and smoking inside, he was easy to get along with. He had just broken up with his ex girlfriend, who was abusive to him, before moving in.

 

Although he's a bit younger than me, and in all honesty, not as attractive as my usual type, I had a little crush on C from before he moved in with us. I found him funny and we had a laugh. Seeing each other all the time made it intensify a bit, and the other girls picked up on our flirting. B said she thought we would end up hooking up, and though I thought it was likely, I decided I would try to resist, as it would complicate things. I don't think I said anything to A about it, but I had the feeling that she knew.

 

I went away for a night, and A texted me while I was away saying that C had taken her on a date. I genuinely thought that this was a joke, as in a way to wind me up, and I jokingly replied that she should back off. When I came back the next day I made more jokes about it, pretending to be mad.

 

What I didn't know is that they HAD gone on a date. A had been complaining that she hadn't been on one for a while, so C offered to take her on one. A had said jokingly that I wouldn't be happy about it, and C had told A that while he liked me, he liked her more and that they should go on a date. So they did, and then had sex.

 

After they had sex, A had told C not to tell anyone, because she didn't want everyone to tease them about it. So, I didn't know anything, and continued to flirt with him in front of her. One night I told our female friend D that I had slight feelings for him, and was tempted to hook up with him. She told me that she had a bit of a crush on him too. A and C continued to have sex in secret.

 

Then, three nights after their last time to have sex, A and C went to D's house. They were drinking, and when A suggested going home, C said he wanted to stay, and got into D's bed between the girls. A went to the bathroom, and when she came back, C and D were having sex. A was upset by this, but decided to pretend not to be in front of C.

 

The next day, D was worried about telling B that she had sex with her brother, and didn't get a chance to tell her, because A confessed that she had been having sex with him. D was shocked and angry, and confronted C about it. He told her that he was very sorry, looked very upset and tried to kiss her.

 

C and the girls did not tell me or B what happened. The girls say that though they knew there was a chance that I would hook up with him, they thought that after D had told C how hurt they were, that there was no chance that he would do the same thing again.

 

So I didn't know what had happened, and A was pretending not to care. One night A, C and me were talking, and C told us that before he had started going out with his last girlfriend, he had slept with two of her housemates. I didn't think too much of this at the time, but A was quite shocked that he would say this in front of her, having done something similar to her.

 

Then about a week later, A was away and B, C and me went out. We got very drunk, and I decided to kiss C. I asked him if he thought it was a good idea first, and he encouraged me. The rest is a blur. I was so drunk that I barely remember any of it, but we had sex. We kind of laughed about it the next day, we hung out and were quite affectionate to each other. The night after, he came into mu room and asked to get into my bed, but I turned him down. I was confused about what to do.

 

So A came back, and didn't say anything. Then about a week later, she and I went out together one night and got drunk, and she told me everything.

 

I was really angry, went home, and sarcastically asked him which of us he thought was the best in bed.

 

The next morning he asked me if I hated him and I said yes, and not to speak to me. I then sent him an email, explaining why I was angry and I said that while I didn't want an apology, I would like him to apologize to A.

 

That was four days ago, and he hasn't spoken to me since. He hasn't apologized to either of us.

 

I'd like your opinions on what to do.

[darkmoon]

you've not got much control over C, i think all these drunken nights you describe were quite voluntary and so apparently does C, bed-hopping is fun, but that's about all you can say about it, i just see you all as free spirits, not that it's that simple for alot of women, mind, shame though

 

what to do? just accept that C is C, a free spirit

Edited July 3, 2012 by darkmoon

[TripLine]

He got 3 free lay. You girls are funny, being all secretive and horny just to have it backfire.

[Trimmer]

C is quite the operator. As a guy, I've gotta say "mad props..." Sounds like all that's left is for C to drunkenly hook up with B. Ooops!

 

But seriously (ha, just kidding) what rules, commitments, ethical boundaries, etc. do you think C broke that he owed to any of you? Can you please clarify? (I'm not saying there aren't any, I'm just trying to understand your perception of how you were betrayed...)

 

Edited to add: Maybe you should have called him "F". Then you could shorten your story and just say, 'A and D got F'ed, and then later I got F'ed, too. And I was pretty P.O.'ed about it..."

 

And just out of curiosity, is B a real "B"?

Edited July 3, 2012 by Trimmer

[TripLine]

C is quite the operator. As a guy, I've gotta say "mad props..." Sounds like all that's left is for C to drunkenly hook up with B. Ooops!

 

But seriously (ha, just kidding) what rules, commitments, ethical boundaries, etc. do you think C broke that he owed to any of you? Can you please clarify? (I'm not saying there aren't any, I'm just trying to understand your perception of how you were betrayed...)

 

Edited to add: Maybe you should have called him "F". Then you could shorten your story and just say, 'A and D got F'ed, and then later I got F'ed, too. And I was pretty P.O.'ed about it..."

 

And just out of curiosity, is B a real "B"?

 

If there was any boundaries crossed, I would put the blame on all the roommates. Don't women have some type of sisterhood code of not banging your roommates brother?

[Trimmer]

If there was any boundaries crossed, I would put the blame on all the roommates. Don't women have some type of sisterhood code of not banging your roommates brother?

But in all seriousness, that's why I'm suggesting she really consider - specifically - what rules and boundaries got crossed that she's upset about.

 

For example, if the one you mentined: don't bang your roommate's brother - is a boundary she expected to be recognized, and she's upset at her roomates for busting that one, wouldn't that be hypocritical, since the thing she's upset about is that it affected her ability to break that same boundary? (Oh I see what you were saying: put the blame on all the roommates - including equally on her, was that what you were saying?)

 

So my question to the OP stands: what, specifically, is the nature of the betrayal you are upset about. (Again, I'm not intending to invalidate your feelings; I'm just asking you to clarify - specifically - where they are coming from...)

[WeAllMightBeNuts]

I just read the title. Jack Tripper with a close!

 

Envy.

[Cealabeala]

Hmmm... you're outlook and mental capacity are clearly a bit too simplistic to understand the situation... Thanks though

[Cealabeala]

He got 3 free lay. You girls are funny, being all secretive and horny just to have it backfire.

 

 

Hmmm... your outlook and mental capacity seem a little too simplistic to understand the situation. But thanks!

[Alban]

Wish I would be C

[Cealabeala]

C Sounds like all that's left is for C to drunkenly hook up with B. Ooops!

 

B is C's sister.

 

what rules, commitments, ethical boundaries, etc. do you think C broke that he owed to any of you?

 

Well, as A and C were sleeping together regularly, I think it was quite insensitive for him to wait for her to go to the bathroom, start having sex with her friend leaving her no where to sleep, then never apologise. No, he had not committed to an exclusive relationship with her... but they live together. The awkwardness and hurt feelings that would OBVIOUSLY follow was not going to be easy to overcome when they live together. I think that that is common sense. And to me, he broke an "ethical boundary" here.

 

 

I think it was similarly ****ty of him not to disclose the fact that he had slept with two of my friends, one our housemate, before sleeping with me. He was the only person who knew the full situation, so to me it was his responsibility.

 

The biggest "rule" he has broken is the lack of respect he has shown us AS HIS FRIENDS. He willingly involved us in this sleazy situation, which he has been bragging about to his male friends, as though he doesn't see us as anything other than bimbo's in a funny adventure. He clearly must have foreseen a change in our friendship when we all found out (which he could not have imagined wouldn't happen). It was worth losing us all as friends to go for this "hat trick".

 

He never considered the effect of the fallout from this on EVERYONE in our house, since we are all friends, and the atmosphere is now horrible.

 

 

 

Um, no... and in my opinion whoever says "B" for "bitch" is a pussy

[Cealabeala]

Don't women have some type of sisterhood code of not banging your roommates brother?

 

I asked her if she minded me hooking up with him beforehand. She said she didn't. Thanks though

[Cealabeala]

 

For example, if the one you mentined: don't bang your roommate's brother - is a boundary she expected to be recognized, and she's upset at her roomates for busting that one, wouldn't that be hypocritical, since the thing she's upset about is that it affected her ability to break that same boundary? (Oh I see what you were saying: put the blame on all the roommates - including equally on her, was that what you were saying?)

 

 

While I appreciate your effort and I'm sure it makes sense in your head, this is just convoluted gibberish to me...

[Cealabeala]

I know that it's very tempting when reading someones post to point out wherever they were at fault. But that's not why I posted. I have self awareness and I know I didn't behave perfectly. What I asked was your opinion of what we should do, which only one of you answered (poorly). But thank you LoveShack, not very helpful, but at least you tried.

[TripLine]

Well all of the girls should stay strong and still be friends if that is possible. Just stay away from the brother and let his sister know why he cannot come over anymore. I feel like if you girls start hanging out with him anymore, each of you will still allow yourself to sleep with him.

 

I hope you understand why everyone may seem a bit satirical because you story sound like some college comedy movie. I never thought things like this can happen in real life.

 

Hopefully you girls can all learn from your mistakes. What are the thoughts from the other roommates? Do they even care? Were they just looking for a quickie?

[Shaun-Dro]

So here's a crazy situation...

 

I have been living with two of my room-mates, A and B, for nearly a year. We are all pretty much best friends, though they are closer having been friends for longer. A few months ago, B's little brother C moved in with us. Everything got off to a great start, as apart from being messy and smoking inside, he was easy to get along with. He had just broken up with his ex girlfriend, who was abusive to him, before moving in.

 

Although he's a bit younger than me, and in all honesty, not as attractive as my usual type, I had a little crush on C from before he moved in with us. I found him funny and we had a laugh. Seeing each other all the time made it intensify a bit, and the other girls picked up on our flirting. B said she thought we would end up hooking up, and though I thought it was likely, I decided I would try to resist, as it would complicate things. I don't think I said anything to A about it, but I had the feeling that she knew.

 

I went away for a night, and A texted me while I was away saying that C had taken her on a date. I genuinely thought that this was a joke, as in a way to wind me up, and I jokingly replied that she should back off. When I came back the next day I made more jokes about it, pretending to be mad.

 

What I didn't know is that they HAD gone on a date. A had been complaining that she hadn't been on one for a while, so C offered to take her on one. A had said jokingly that I wouldn't be happy about it, and C had told A that while he liked me, he liked her more and that they should go on a date. So they did, and then had sex.

 

After they had sex, A had told C not to tell anyone, because she didn't want everyone to tease them about it. So, I didn't know anything, and continued to flirt with him in front of her. One night I told our female friend D that I had slight feelings for him, and was tempted to hook up with him. She told me that she had a bit of a crush on him too. A and C continued to have sex in secret.

 

Then, three nights after their last time to have sex, A and C went to D's house. They were drinking, and when A suggested going home, C said he wanted to stay, and got into D's bed between the girls. A went to the bathroom, and when she came back, C and D were having sex. A was upset by this, but decided to pretend not to be in front of C.

 

The next day, D was worried about telling B that she had sex with her brother, and didn't get a chance to tell her, because A confessed that she had been having sex with him. D was shocked and angry, and confronted C about it. He told her that he was very sorry, looked very upset and tried to kiss her.

 

C and the girls did not tell me or B what happened. The girls say that though they knew there was a chance that I would hook up with him, they thought that after D had told C how hurt they were, that there was no chance that he would do the same thing again.

 

So I didn't know what had happened, and A was pretending not to care. One night A, C and me were talking, and C told us that before he had started going out with his last girlfriend, he had slept with two of her housemates. I didn't think too much of this at the time, but A was quite shocked that he would say this in front of her, having done something similar to her.

 

Then about a week later, A was away and B, C and me went out. We got very drunk, and I decided to kiss C. I asked him if he thought it was a good idea first, and he encouraged me. The rest is a blur. I was so drunk that I barely remember any of it, but we had sex. We kind of laughed about it the next day, we hung out and were quite affectionate to each other. The night after, he came into mu room and asked to get into my bed, but I turned him down. I was confused about what to do.

 

So A came back, and didn't say anything. Then about a week later, she and I went out together one night and got drunk, and she told me everything.

 

I was really angry, went home, and sarcastically asked him which of us he thought was the best in bed.

 

The next morning he asked me if I hated him and I said yes, and not to speak to me. I then sent him an email, explaining why I was angry and I said that while I didn't want an apology, I would like him to apologize to A.

 

That was four days ago, and he hasn't spoken to me since. He hasn't apologized to either of us.

 

I'd like your opinions on what to do.

 

This is what happens when you get stupid-drunk. You pay the price when you're open to sleeping with anything that can walk.

[darkmoon]

Cealabeala - i think you are a liitle bit in love with C - why else would he be on your mind so as to see this problem?

bad atmospheres fizzle out, nobody needs to live in the past, yesterday's gone, relax...

Edited July 4, 2012 by darkmoon

[Trimmer]

While I appreciate your effort and I'm sure it makes sense in your head, this is just convoluted gibberish to me...

Yeah, it seems like you didn't "get" several things I said:

B is C's sister.

I got that. It was a joke - c'mon, I even telegraphed it with an "Ooops" and an emoticon...

 

Um, no... and in my opinion whoever says "B" for "bitch" is a pussy

Ha ha ha... It was another joke, and the rhythm of the joke specifically required that - see what I did there? I thought I'd take the training wheels off and go without the emoticon that time, but I guess you weren't ready...

 

And incidentally, what's the deal with women using the word "pussy" as a derogatory term to describe weakness? Next women's studies class, you should discuss self-sabotage.

 

Well, as A and C were sleeping together regularly, I think it was quite insensitive for him to wait for her to go to the bathroom, start having sex with her friend leaving her no where to sleep, then never apologise. No, he had not committed to an exclusive relationship with her... but they live together. The awkwardness and hurt feelings that would OBVIOUSLY follow was not going to be easy to overcome when they live together. I think that that is common sense. And to me, he broke an "ethical boundary" here.

OK, and now we get down to the specifics. I understand your point here. Your question is "what should you do?" In this case, your indignance and repulsion is understandable, but that situation is COMPLETELY between A and D and C. If anything, doesn't D owe A just as much of an apology? (Unless you're telling us that it was not consensual between D and C, and then we have a WHOLE different issue to talk about...) And further, why didn't A have the guts to call him out on it at the time, instead of essentially validating his behavior by letting it slide? It's an ugly situation, but those three own it, and you are not a stakeholder in that interaction, therefore, you need do nothing. D owns the consequences of her choices and hooking up with C while A was in the bathroom, A owns the consequences of her choices as well, unfortunate as they may be; if I were you, I wouldn't presume to get in the middle of that one.

 

I think it was similarly ****ty of him not to disclose the fact that he had slept with two of my friends, one our housemate, before sleeping with me. He was the only person who knew the full situation, so to me it was his responsibility.

Overall, I'm not so upset about this one EXCEPT for the fact that everybody eventually found out. Isn't that the issue here? It's not that you didn't know he was a player - getting what he could, "hooking up" where possible - it's that you now suffer the embarrassment that he's an uncaring, disrespectful player, right? But overall, this one is in your court. What you can do about it is pretty much between you and him, and as it seems like he's a total playah, and doesn't have much respect for his conquests, you may just be talking to the wind to try to give him a piece of your mind. So you may just have to chalk it up to lessons learned.

 

The biggest "rule" he has broken is the lack of respect he has shown us AS HIS FRIENDS. He willingly involved us in this sleazy situation, which he has been bragging about to his male friends, as though he doesn't see us as anything other than bimbo's in a funny adventure. He clearly must have foreseen a change in our friendship when we all found out (which he could not have imagined wouldn't happen). It was worth losing us all as friends to go for this "hat trick".

So what do you do? De-friend him. (I don't mean in the Facebook way, I mean in the interactive, human way.) He has shown you all a lack of respect by bragging to his friends and treating you like little more than conquests (and not like friends) so he's cast his vote against friendship, right?

 

He never considered the effect of the fallout from this on EVERYONE in our house, since we are all friends, and the atmosphere is now horrible.

Is the horrible atmosphere happening because of weirdness between you and A and D, or is it just between all of you and C?

 

So the three of you should circle the wagons. Girl power. "Oh my god, you guys, can you believe that guy... Well, he's an *******, but we're not going to let him come between us..." Freeze him out, show him that he can't divide and conquer any more. Flip the power structure - he held the power over you guys with his secrets and sleazy hookups - treat him like he's the odd one out, and take that power back from him.

 

And whatever you do, in order to make that work, you can't go back to hanging out and being friends, unless you are ready to normalize his behavior and communicate that it was all OK. If he comes to you and says "hey, I was wrong, let's clear the air and start over" then you can talk about it, but as long as you think he's maintained the disrespect and not paid his dues, you all need to stay resolute and not let him back in.

 

And I know that you didn't want to hear anyone tell you what you did wrong, but - even before knowing that he had hooked up with A and/or D, could you have written a better recipe for a bad outcome than to hook up with (1) a roommate, who was (2) the sibling of another roommate, who (3) you knew was at least dabbling socially with yet your other roommate? What could possibly go wrong there?

 

I may have missed it, but does B know about any of this? Does she know all of it?

Edited July 4, 2012 by Trimmer

[Cealabeala]

stay away from the brother and let his sister know why he cannot come over anymore. . What are the thoughts from the other roommates? Do they even care? Were they just looking for a quickie?

 

Clearly you didn't read y post. C lives with me and A. A and D are as upset by what C has done as I am.

[Cealabeala]

This is what happens when you get stupid-drunk. You pay the price when you're open to sleeping with anything that can walk.

 

Thanks for the judgement... we are all under 22 and Irish. So we're going to get drunk. Sorry that you are a social reject who never goes out. Maybe you should try being less of a COMPLETE LOSER. And yes, I am drunk RIGHT NOW WHILE WRITING THIS

[Cealabeala]

Cealabeala - i think you are a liitle bit in love with C - why else would he be on your mind so as to see this problem?

bad atmospheres fizzle out, nobody needs to live in the past, yesterday's gone, relax...

 

I am not in love with C. I will sound arrogant now, but I am a very intelligent, deep, witty, kind, beautiful, special woman. C is none of these things. I never saw him as worthy of my love. He was fun enough to keep me interested but I never had feelings for him. What upset me was how he treated my friends, and how he has been bragging about how he has slept with all three of us, when he was supposed to be our friend, first. He has no respect for us.

[Cealabeala]

 

And incidentally, what's the deal with women using the word "pussy" as a derogatory term to describe weakness? Next women's studies class, you should discuss self-sabotage.

 

I just wanted to let you know how unfunny your "joke" was to us. You're lame.

 

 

that situation is COMPLETELY between A and D and C. If anything, doesn't D owe A just as much of an apology?

 

No. D did not know that A and C had been sleeping together. You might want to read things more carefully in future... And yes, I am involved, since he banged me too

 

Why didn't A have the guts to call him out on it at the time, instead of essentially validating his behavior by letting it slide?

 

She didn't confront him because she tried to smooth things. She sacrificed her own feelings so that the atmosphere in the house would not be compromised. In other words, she put others before herself. Which I see as a noble thing to do.

 

 

 

 

And incidentally, what's the deal with women using the word "pussy" as a derogatory term to describe weakness? Next women's studies class, you should discuss self-sabotage.

 

I just wanted to let you know how unfunny your "joke" was to us. You're lame.

 

 

that situation is COMPLETELY between A and D and C. If anything, doesn't D owe A just as much of an apology?

 

No. D did not know that A and C had been sleeping together. You might want to read things more carefully in future... And yes, I am involved, since he banged me too

 

Why didn't A have the guts to call him out on it at the time, instead of essentially validating his behavior by letting it slide?

 

you are not a stakeholder in that interaction, therefore, you need do nothing.

 

I'm the kind of person who stands up for my friends. So, I disagree.

 

D owns the consequences of her choices and hooking up with C while A was in the bathroom

 

SHE DIDN'T KNOW A AND C HAD HOOKED UP?!

 

 

Is the horrible atmosphere happening because of weirdness between you and A and D, or is it just between all of you and C?

 

Me, A, B and D are all still friends. Don't worry about that. All our anger is directed at C WHO STILL ****ING LIVES WITH US.

 

 

And I know that you didn't want to hear anyone tell you what you did wrong, but - even before knowing that he had hooked up with A and/or D, could you have written a better recipe for a bad outcome than to hook up with (1) a roommate, who was (2) the sibling of another roommate, who (3) you knew was at least dabbling socially with yet your other roommate? What could possibly go wrong there?

 

Yes. Fine. I just don't see anything I did as the actions of a bad person. I had feelings for C, asked B is she minded if I hooked up with him, and did not think A had feelings for C AT ALL.

 

I may have missed it, but does B know about any of this? Does she know all of it?

 

She knows it all. She just wants us all to be friends again.

 

Thanks for your idiotic contribution....

[dreamingoftigers]

Wow, he actually took the time out to write you a nice response.

 

I was going to write one as well. Forget it.

 

Insert your bitchy statement below.

[Trimmer]

Thanks for your idiotic contribution....

Hee hee... You are welcome, the pleasure was all mine.

 

I'm so very sorry that you didn't find my contribution helpful, but my anguish will be relieved knowing that you will certainly be able to bring your situation to a satisfying resolution, using a combination of your buoyant sense of humor, your naturally sunny disposition, and your finely tuned interpersonal skills.

 

All the very best of luck to you!

[darkmoon]

I am not in love with C. I will sound arrogant now, but I am a very intelligent, deep, witty, kind, beautiful, special woman. C is none of these things. I never saw him as worthy of my love. He was fun enough to keep me interested but I never had feelings for him. What upset me was how he treated my friends, and how he has been bragging about how he has slept with all three of us, when he was supposed to be our friend, first. He has no respect for us.

 

so all the more reason to not take him seriously, he might brag and be callous, but nobody forced the sex on anyone, mind you i deplore promiscuity, i see the consequences in posts like these, yes, promiscuous, the women who C balled brought all this on themselves, please be less naive in future in choice of boyfriends and who you ball in general

Edited July 5, 2012 by darkmoon