Anyone else content with just being the OW?

[ac11442]

I'm almost a month into nc with my xMM and it's killing me! It actually seems like its getting worse, not better.

 

Here's the deal. We met just over 3 years ago while he was in town on business. It was supposed to be a one time deal. He was from a very religious background (was a Church of Christ minister for more than 10 years, his w still was one) and he was wanting to break out and just get drunk and have a wild weekend. We did, it was great, and he went back home with the pact of nc (he lived 200 miles away). He emailed me when he got home. And texted the next day. He called a few days after and everyday after that.

 

Before I knew it we were getting together about once a month and talked for literally between 2-5 hours every day. We made it almost a year before his w found out. He called it off and we had nc for 50 days. Then he emailed me and, within a week, we were back to where we were. This lasted a month before w found out. He got a separate phone so she didn't see. That lasted 4 months before she caught him with the phone. He got another one and we made it about a year and a half before she found the second phone (on valentines day no less). We agreed to nc...again...and they began MC. After a month of nc I broke down and called and we talked like we always had. they were still in MC and he lied to the counselor about how we met, that we'd never had sex (that's what he told his w) and we still weren't talking.

 

After 3 months of talking I went to visit while w was out of town. She had the neighbors take pictures of my car at their house. It was ugly. He said that was it, he was committing totally to his marriage and we couldn't talk again, period.

 

I get it, he made his choice and it wasn't me. What I'm seeing as different about my situation is I didn't want anything more. We didn't make plans for a future together. I have a history of horrible relationships, 2 kids, hectic work schedule, the whole bit. Our relationship was 95% talking due to distance, he was my best friend. I was honestly content with the way things were. I lost my best friend, the person I talked to every single day. It hurts.

 

I know I need to forget him and move on. I know that. But its hard. So unbelievably hard. I really am trying to keep busy, replace our 'talk time' with other things, but I can't seem to be getting better. My divorce wasn't this hard.

 

There's probably very little anyone can say that I don't already know. I just needed to vent. To get it out. And it's honestly helped to read the other posts, knowing there are so many others, men and women, just like me. And it is encouraging to hear from those that have been through it and are able to look back on a hard time and know you're better off in the long run.

 

You'll probably be seeing a lot of posts from me for a little bit. I'm having an incredibly hard time sticking to the nc. I work nights so on my off days I'm still awake all night long by myself. That's when it's really hard not to email. So I apologize upfront. And say thanks in advance.

[Silly_Girl]

Our relationship was 95% talking due to distance, he was my best friend. I was honestly content with the way things were. I lost my best friend, the person I talked to every single day. It hurts.

 

That!! ^^^^ that's the bit that hurts the most in my view. In your shoes I didn't care if I never had sex with anyone else for the rest of my life (nothing could compare to he and I, in my view) but that friendship... The sharing and supporting and openness. To lose that stung most.

 

I found it hard because I was working ridiculously long hours and this had built up slowly over 2 years and I'd been forced to isolate myself from my friends because my job ate me up.

 

In the end it was reconnecting with my friends that helped me most. There wasn't just one person who loved and valued me and wanted to spend time with me, there were 4 or 5 plus a whole load of fun mates, plus family. It shocked and humbled me. I came to terms with the loss you're talking about as I let others in to my life. It was a turning point for me. I don't know whether you have the same opportunity I had - I spent my life determined to be independent and self-sufficient but turning to my friends was one of the best moves I ever made.

 

TIME will help you, too. The habits and the routines will slowly, slowly ebb away. New ones will take their place. You won't like these changes but they will come anyway and they will help you.

 

Post here all the time if that's what will help you to stay sane

[whichwayisup]

SG is right, you need to reconnect with your friends and other family members. You should also try a new hobby, this will help take the focus off of him.

 

You can't rely on one person to fulfill all your needs.

 

I have a history of horrible relationships

 

This is something you can work on, either on your own or going to therapy. Why do you have horrible relationships..Do you pick the wrong type of man? Have you learned from your past mistakes? You don't have to answer, just things for you to think about and work on.

[ac11442]

My 'horrible relationships' are partly my fault, partly not. My first marriage we were young, both in the military, it's a classic mistake people in that situation make and I'm no exception. My second major relationship I thought was going well, but he ended up going back to his last girlfriend after we'd been together over a year. My second marriage was almost 12 years. He decided to 'come out of the closet' as a bisexual crossdresser. Ultimately not something I could live with, although I did try. After the divorce I did do a lot of work on myself and know myself a lot better now than I ever have before. And it's funny that I was content with being the OW, maybe it's because I know myself. I didn't, and still don't, feel like I was settling.

 

My exH moved us here, no family, no friends, then 5 months later we separated. I have spent the last almost 5 years working night and day to support myself and my kids. I haven't had the time to develop friendships. And I work 50-60 hours a week, nights to boot. No time for a regular life. My closest family is 900 miles away and, honestly, it's not an area I care to move back to.

 

I'm sure I'll find my way. It's just really hard right now. I'm in the process of getting a new job, same work same schedule, just different place. That was in the works before he and I split. But I'm hoping just the change of venue will maybe help things along.

[sad puppy]

You have to shift your frame of mind, you won't move on until you do. Focus on his bad qualities, they are in front of your nose - he's a liar and a cheater masquerading as a man of God, he has zero integrity as a human being. He has repeatedly been caught by his wife, and keeps betraying her. He is no prize. Focus on who this guy really is, a smarmy cheating liar and you'll begin to wake up. I did. Trust me, cut him loose. You'll find another close friend.

[ac11442]

Trust me, I KNOW all his bad qualities. I focus on those on a regular basis. He'd cheated on her before while he was still a minister - hypocrite. They go to church every week, twice a week - major hypocrite. Neither he or his w have told anyone (except their college age kids, odd, i know) about what has happened because their family and church friend won't be supportive of anything. So he can't stand up for himself...spineless. Cheater, obvious. Liar, and good at it. I concentrate on these traits. Again...I know from experience time heals all wounds but the scar remains.

[sad puppy]

But that scar represents hard won wisdom. Having an affair is a painful, eye opening experience - we must learn our lessons about ourselves and in the future, we shall see these guys coming from a mile away. I take comfort in the fact that I will not end up with a lying cheater who is emotionally messed up and who does not have integrity and hurts everyone around him with his selfish ways. A LOT of comfort knowing that pain is behind me. I will use my scar as protection for myself and to remind myself to be much smarter. Keep going, you're on the right path.

[ac11442]

Thanks again. Oddly enough just posting here has helped. I'm sure the one friend I have is tired of hearing about it. I know it gets old. Of course she has NO idea what it's like, she's been with her husband since she was 14, has never dated anyone else and they never did the break up get back together thing. Although she's sympathetic she really has no idea.

 

So thanks to all y'all. This I'm sure won't be the last time you hear from me!

[Artie Lang]

very religious, indeed.

 

another false prophet using God as his wingman to score with one of the flock.

[lllost]

I'm very new to being the OW, but find I like the position very much. It's the perfect relationship for me. When I've dated single guys they want to spend more and more time with me and expect us to be 'going somewhere'.

 

I enjoy the moments we're together and my independence when we're apart. It's perfect. Although I was blindsided onto this, I think I'd actively seek a similar situation if/when this ends.

[Artie Lang]

^well, at least you know what you want.

[ac11442]

Just be careful...reading what everyone else on here has written you gotta be wary of how it will end, and it most likely will. Very few OW come out ahead in the long run. Granted...my exH cheated on me and is still with his OW, so you never know.

 

That being said, I understand where you're coming from. Like I said, I was very content with things staying the way they were. We talked everyday, and once a month or so I took a 2-3 day trip to see him. It was like a mini vacation. He said he felt like he was using me, and he was, but I was using him just as much. People might disagree with that but that's how I felt about it. Single guys want every minute I'm not at work to be devoted to them. Or they just want a booty call. Very little in between.

 

Take this word of caution. If something happens, his w finds out, etc, and he calls it off or says you need to cool it for a while, take that chance to bolt. You'll only get more accustomed to him and if that's the position he takes it's the position he will ALWAYS take. Trust me!

[ac11442]

very religious, indeed.

 

another false prophet using God as his wingman to score with one of the flock.

 

Let me clarify...he didn't use religion to 'score'. I didn't know about that until later. Plus, me being totally agnostic, it most likely wouldn't have worked anyway. Had I known about the ex minister thing I probably would never have spoken to him in the first place.

 

And please, don't take that as me defending him. I don't justify his actions, just clarifying.

[lllost]

Single guys want every minute I'm not at work to be devoted to them. Or they just want a booty call. Very little in between.

 

Take this word of caution. If something happens, his w finds out, etc, and he calls it off or says you need to cool it for a while, take that chance to bolt. You'll only get more accustomed to him and if that's the position he takes it's the position he will ALWAYS take. Trust me!

 

Hit the nail on the head with single guys. This is a much better scenario for me. It's me that's trying to back off a bit tho as he has become infatuated and talking about leaving his wife. As he barely knows me I expect this has become the catalyst for an already diffilcukt situation, but it will be a real shame if I have to stop seeing him because he leaves his wife! I don't want to be ironing his shirts, etc...

[ac11442]

llost: I hear ya! I didn't want mine to leave his w either. I was perfectly content with our set up. The problem lies with it can't go on forever. We did it for 3 years. That's a LONG time in A world. And I'm guessing you're like most people...eventually you'll get attached to a degree. You can't help it. Even if you don't want him all the time you get extremely accustomed to the situation. I told my xMM I was perfectly content with how things were, but to stay married he had to go nc completely.

 

Like you I thought for a while (when we 'broke up' 2 years ago) that I would love a similar situation. Not so much now. I saw the recent thread of "The OW won". Yeah, I don't see that a lot.

[Artie Lang]

eventually you'll get attached to a degree. You can't help it. Even if you

don't want him all the time you get extremely accustomed to the situation.

 

it's pretty naive to think you won't feel something for someone, when you share such intimate things- physical, emotional, or otherwise.

 

if you can get attached to a stray puppy, what makes you think you won't get attached to someone who's "bangin' your brains out" while sharing with you his/her most intimate secrets and desires???

Edited July 4, 2012 by Artie Lang

[ac11442]

I agree. Its delusional to think otherwise. I thought the same thing when my A started. It was great, long distance, perfect. But you're right, emotions, feelings, they all got in the way, like it or not. Of course, like a silly teenager, no one could have convinced me otherwise at the time.....

[Silly_Girl]

I agree. Its delusional to think otherwise. I thought the same thing when my A started. It was great, long distance, perfect. But you're right, emotions, feelings, they all got in the way, like it or not. Of course, like a silly teenager, no one could have convinced me otherwise at the time.....

 

Agree!

[iambookworm]

Sigh. I can totally relate. The only difference is I didn't know. We are both foreigners working in another country, but still a couple of hours away.

 

While here, he is very consistent, sends me messages every morning and night, even sends me sweet messages in the middle of the day.

 

But the once every month, and the me visiting him for a day or two, oh yeah, I can relate. Then when I asked him for his address, and questioned the address he gave me, he broke it off saying I asked too many questions. hehe, I got too close to the truth.

I hate this feeling. I am still in NC (2 weeks now) but its hard.

 

Hope you get over him soon.

[ac11442]

I'm so sorry. I went willingly into my situation. That sucks that you didn't know. 2 weeks in is a good start. For me it's 4 weeks today. Good luck and I hope YOU get over him soon, too!

[canuckprincess]

Thanks again. Oddly enough just posting here has helped. I'm sure the one friend I have is tired of hearing about it. I know it gets old. Of course she has NO idea what it's like, she's been with her husband since she was 14, has never dated anyone else and they never did the break up get back together thing. Although she's sympathetic she really has no idea.

 

So thanks to all y'all. This I'm sure won't be the last time you hear from me!

 

 

My friends roll their eyes when I mention my MM name. They get tired of me being played, they all assume he's a player.

Edited July 20, 2012 by canuckprincess

[hurting tonight]

I hope it gets better.