Those of you who ended the affair...

[Stoneman70]

Did you really want it to end, or did you see no way for it to work in the end?

 

Did you grieve the loss or was it easy to say goodbye?

 

Are you over the affair or still grieving?

 

Do you still love OM/OW or MM/MW?

[Ducky23]

Did you really want it to end, or did you see no way for it to work in the end?

 

Did you grieve the loss or was it easy to say goodbye?

 

Are you over the affair or still grieving?

 

Do you still love OM/OW or MM/MW?

 

I wanted the A to end. I wanted to be able to fully integrate our lives. I didn't want to lose him. But I did not see things progressing as quickly as I had hoped in the beginning. I was starting to lose faith and needed out.

 

It was hard. It IS hard. I'm still grieving. I still miss him. I still love him.

[MissBee]

Did you really want it to end, or did you see no way for it to work in the end?

I wanted a relationship with him, so I didn't want our relationship itself to end, but I wanted it being an A to end because that dynamic was not working for me. I realized that it would never change and I tried to end it a few times but continued being "friends" aka emotional affair...until he decided to establish and keep NC because he realized he couldn't give me what I wanted.

 

Did you grieve the loss or was it easy to say goodbye?

 

I grieved the loss. It's hardly ever easy to say goodbye in any relationship, even if you know the truth or know it is for the best. Even parents sometimes have a hard time letting kids go, although they realize they must grow up and leave the nest. I did grieve for a while but had another relationship 8 months later. I also had a horrible rebound during the initial grieving stage smh.

 

Are you over the affair or still grieving?

 

I'm over the affair 100%. It's been a bit past 4 years now. I also got a chance to reconnect with him in Nov. last year and we kept in contact until I cut him off in January, as ALL my idealizations were shattered. It gave me a chance to take him off the pedestal, as I admittedly felt like it didn't work out because it was bad timing and I rationalized his choice of an A at the time. Yet his return made me see that he just had no respect for his relationship or me that much and it was probably not our great love but his lack of boundaries that had initially fueled the whole thing.

 

Do you still love OM/OW or MM/MW?

I still have some fondness for him. He was the first man I ever felt really understood me and first man I fell in love with. I will always have some fondness or care for him but certainly I have loved since then and will love harder and deeper and I don't sit around wishing for his return or think of him as "the one who got away" or anything.

 

Answers bolded.

Edited July 4, 2012 by MissBee

[woinlove]

I'm over the affair 100%. It's been a bit past 4 years now. I also got a chance to reconnect with him in Nov. last year and we kept in contact until I cut him off in January, as ALL my idealizations were shattered. It gave me a chance to take him off the pedestal, as I admittedly felt like it didn't work out because it was bad timing and I rationalized his choice of an A at the time. Yet his return made me see that he just had no respect for his relationship or me that much and it was probably not our great love but his lack of boundaries that had initially fueled the whole thing.

 

This part of Miss Bee's answer really resonated with me, as I had that experience too. I was long over xMM, and then saw him again. I also saw a lack of respect, and selfishness, and basically just saw the ways he was broken, alongside his more positive traits. During the A, I overlooked the traits that had him choose to have an A, thinking it was because he was so smitten with me. It is interesting to see the person years later and see those same traits and recognize they are an integral part of him and nothing to do with you. Some people change, but xMM did not.

 

I ended our R just as xMM was divorcing to be with me, because his being free allowed me to see him in a different light and question his suitability as a life partner. Still, years later when I saw him again, I saw this even more clearly.

 

There was grieving, but I felt confident in my decision. I do not still love xMM. I loved him as much as I was capable at the time, and it seemed incredibly heady at the time, but I went on to love much deeper and truer.

[imperfectangel]

Did you really want it to end, or did you see no way for it to work in the end?

 

Did you grieve the loss or was it easy to say goodbye?

 

Are you over the affair or still grieving?

 

Do you still love OM/OW or MM/MW?

 

It had to end since its obvious now he was just using me I'm now in nc and it's getting easier can honestly say I've hardly thought of him all week but it's been a very slow process

 

I think I did love him but his actions told me he didn't feel the same

[EmptyHeartGirl]

Did you really want it to end, or did you see no way for it to work in the end?

 

I wanted to be with him, but I didn't want to be his convenient sidepiece anymore.

 

Did you grieve the loss or was it easy to say goodbye?

 

It was very hard to say goodbye, I broke off things several times until he blatanlty showed me that I was not important in his life.

 

Are you over the affair or still grieving?

 

I still continue to grieve a year later, but I know that it was for the best. In retrospect I realize that he didn't love me, but he had to say he did to keep me around.

 

Do you still love OM/OW or MM/MW?

 

I do still love him even if he didn't love me, but I will say that I will never allow any man to have that much power over me again.

 

As much as part of me wishes it had never happen, I am glad it did because it made me come to terms with a lot of issues that I had that needed to be addressed.

[iambookworm]

Did you really want it to end, or did you see no way for it to work in the end?

 

I didn't want it to end. Things had been going well (or so I thought) until then.

 

Did you grieve the loss or was it easy to say goodbye?

 

I grieved. Especially when I found out that he had been lying to me all along (he was married).

 

Are you over the affair or still grieving?

 

Still grieving, but accepted the fact already.

 

Do you still love OM/OW or MM/MW?

 

I still do. But I know that even if he came back, I won't let him. If he could cheat on his wife a month after the wedding, he could cheat on me as well.

[MissBee]

This part of Miss Bee's answer really resonated with me, as I had that experience too. I was long over xMM, and then saw him again. I also saw a lack of respect, and selfishness, and basically just saw the ways he was broken, alongside his more positive traits. During the A, I overlooked the traits that had him choose to have an A, thinking it was because he was so smitten with me. It is interesting to see the person years later and see those same traits and recognize they are an integral part of him and nothing to do with you. Some people change, but xMM did not.

 

I ended our R just as xMM was divorcing to be with me, because his being free allowed me to see him in a different light and question his suitability as a life partner. Still, years later when I saw him again, I saw this even more clearly.

 

There was grieving, but I felt confident in my decision. I do not still love xMM. I loved him as much as I was capable at the time, and it seemed incredibly heady at the time, but I went on to love much deeper and truer.

 

This was perfectly my experience! I also resonate a lot with the last aspect.

 

Yes, when we started communicated, I was looking at him with fresh eyes, out of any type of heady love fog and it was plain as day that I had grown and changed and he had not. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt as my assumption was, I grew, so we must have both grown and we will always love each other and be compatible, nothing wrong with that, but he new cheating was a mistake and was a good guy besides that and I'm sure he didn't want to repeat that dynamic and neither did I. I thought perhaps we could be friends now that it's been a while and we realize all that. Once he started chatting me up and becoming more flirty and romantic, I assumed (like I did initially) that it must mean he is now single, as who would be doing this knowing full well they are with someone, esp if you did it before and it didn't work out too well . Lol that was my mistake and naivety I guess. I asked him point blank some time later, after he said some lovely sweet nothings to me, and he replied with no shame, no remorse, no nothing that he indeed was in a relationship. That was when the glass broke, the pedestal toppled and I realized his cheating wasn't a "mistake" --- he had horrible boundaries and just plain didn't care and he was exactly like that before, but now I'm wiser and I did what I should have done back then, which was cut him off once I found out. I was very proud of myself

[Ang.gg]

Did you really want it to end, or did you see no way for it to work in the end?

 

Did you grieve the loss or was it easy to say goodbye?

 

Are you over the affair or still grieving?

 

Do you still love OM/OW or MM/MW?

 

1. I wanted it to end. I tried for so long to make it work. I tried ending it amicably and all he did was ignore me or runaway if I tried to talk about it. I gave up because he left me with no other choice.

 

2. I grieved the loss because I never felt valued and appreciated. I wept a few times because I missed his company and smile. But I had more sadness because of how he treated me. I'm sad because I tried for so long and couldn't see he didn't want to work it out even though I was trying to end it.

This week is a good week. I'm seeing him indifferently so I'm not missing him terribly. I'm not over the affair. Due to our situation I still have to see him from time to time.

 

3. Though he'll never love me, I'll always love him

[Patrice]

I think they enter our lives for a purpose .. I think for me, it was years of being neglected in a marriage plus some issues I had never addressed with my parents. I think AP serve a purpose and if you progress towards your own health and well-being and they remain as they were, there comes a point when you question what the need was that they fulfilled. Which I did fairly early on. He still tries to contact me, tries to say that if we are together he will leave his wife. I don't trust him anymore and I don't think I have much respect for him either. Lord knows, the whole thing took it's toll on me - the guilt, the how could you get yourself into this situation .... but, in the end, I had to end it, it was going nowhere, and in hindsight, it is better that it did not.

[MorningCoffee]

Did you really want it to end, or did you see no way for it to work in the end?

 

 

We called it off for nearly a year; then the holidays provided an excuse to break NC, and within a few weeks, we were sneaking visits. After those several months of a renewed affair, it became clear to me that I was just her "misery stabilizer," but she wasn't ready to leave her M, primarily because of a small child at home. Then she and her H had decided there needed to be 6 months with her having no contact with me (to start when a particular milestone was passed) to decide whether to break up the M. This was disturbing to me, and I was not about to sign onto that crap. So I told her to let me know how the 6-month thing worked out and went NC. Virtual NC for those months; then I got the phone call -- she was staying. OK, I was gone, moving on.

 

Did you grieve the loss or was it easy to say goodbye?

Grief yes, but not as deep as in the past when one or the other of us had tried to break it off. This time it's clear she's not going anywhere till her child is a lot older, whereas I cannot waste time, am not interested in waiting. Lots of grief. Hard to move on, as the connection was only the second one that reached so deep (the first lasted more than three decades and ended only by death of my wife). So if this could be, I was willing to give it a try.

 

Are you over the affair or still grieving?

Mostly over it, would love to meet someone. Have had some dates but not with the right one yet to click, so still grieving the loss in the sense of missing feeling like someone's dearly beloved. Nearly 6 months since goodbye email exchange, and a year and a half since we last saw each other.

Do you still love OM/OW or MM/MW?

Good question. I still miss her, but feel it is mostly missing the feeling of being beloved by someone I love.

[yeah]

Did you really want it to end, or did you see no way for it to work in the end?

I fought for it in my head the whole way. I think from Day 1 I knew deep down that we would never be public or exclusive, and that was rough on my self esteem.

Did you grieve the loss or was it easy to say goodbye? Both. In a sense I felt like I had started "saying goodbye" in my heart after a month. I gave up all hope after about 2 months into it but I couldn't let go while we were still working together and I had to be in close proximity on a daily basis, witnessing him flirting/chatting with other female coworkers (there was a very uneven female to male ratio at my old job, and he let it be known that he didn't need wonderful me to have an affair)- it was TORTURE!! Finally I found a new job and left. Once he was out of sight/out of mind it was very easy to ACCEPT, but I was still heartbroken and depressed for almost a year after. However... I was a lot less stressed, jealous, ANGRY, etc.

Are you over the affair or still grieving? 100% over it. I never thought I would be. I was in serious long term monogamous relationships for years, and none of them hurt that bad. It sort of helped me realize that time really does all wounds. It helped me come to terms with a LOT actually, so much so that I have no regrets. I remember the day I realized that I had stopped thinking about him at least once per day every day. A new, more challenging job definitely helped because I had a ton to learn and readjust to in general, not just regarding him.

Do you still love OM/OW or MM/MW?

I'm not sure what the profanity restrictions are on this site, but I'll play it safe, H*** no. I don't think I ever "loved" him. I was just obsessed because I was a lot dumber then. And I'm not anymore. And I think he's an idiot.

[FelicityShot]

OP - I am interested in why these qs are your qs.

 

Why these qs?

 

Anyone I have ever loved I still love. That's easy to answer.

 

One thing I would say about the grief - which was huge - it is not helped in a culture that thinks the source of this kind of grief to be shameful.

 

To be ashamed of your own grief is indeed hard.

 

In my mind, grief is intertwined with ego. Like the biggest ego blow - how could this happen to me? (Grief is about the person grieving)

 

Sadness is less ego driven. I trust sadness whereas I am wary of grief.