More and More Wives are Jumping On Board the Infidelity Band Wagon

[sinner]

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/5359395/site/newsweek/site/newsweek

 

 

This week's (July 12th) issue of Newsweek has a fascinating article on "The Secret Lives of Wives," which investigates in depth the infidelity epidemic among newly empowered American wives. The infidelity gap between the dreaded MM and MW is fast closing as more and more wives mimic the bad boy traits of that arch fiend, the MM.

 

Something is happening, here. Is this yet another blow against the Monogamy Empire?

 

A fascinating account. Check out the above link.

[ladyangel]

What a coincidence that you posted that article. I had just read it myself and thought of you.

 

Just goes to show that what's good for the goose is good for the gander, huh?

[CandyGirl]

Yep, with so many husbands out there cheating and addicted to porn what do you think all these wives are doing? Knitting?

 

It's about time the women showed the men that what comes around goes around. I think it's great!

[meanon]

I agree that the gap is closing but I'm not sure it's a blow against the Monogomy Empire. I think it's a minority of women in affairs who would continue indefinitely with both. In most cases their feelings resolve one way or another and one of the relationships continues. Serial Monogomy.

[sinner]

I thought the article was a necessary corrective to the seemingly widely shared opinion on LS that the only players in the infidelity sweeps are the evil MM and his besotted (and almost always single) OW. The MW is increasingly a player--although she tends not to post on LoveShack where the dialogue(and I employ that term loosely) is usually between the OW and the many and passionate defenders (again, mostly women) of the marital faith.

 

meanon, you're spot on with your sharp serial monogamy observation. Sometimes, though, it takes years for the MW's feelings to resolve and when they do the incumbent spouse (and the MW's family) usually emerges victorious. Even after she chooses, however, the MW still has problems letting go: Pleasant memories, and the like.

[meanon]

Very true

 

I can't remember the exact figures in the latest study I read, I think it was 55% of married men and 45% of married women who admit to infidelity but as they were self reported the figures were an underestimate of at least 10%. Not that big a gap. I'm less clear on the cause. I don't buy the argument that people are getting more selfish. The article suggests both too little time (pressures of modern life meaning less investment in the relationship) and too much (boredom). Maybe it's both.

[CurlyIam]

I don't know if it's only about time in the relationship. If you don't get to understand the quality time you spend with your family, it's almost as if you miss it's value.

 

IMO, it's less time for onesself. Less time to think, less time to enjoy, less time to remember or miss the other important person in one's life. I feel it's always other things that get to be put first. And it's not society, it's people. PAying attention requires effort. MAybe since we have soo many "important" things to do, we eventually (both men, and now, more recently, women) tend to get lazy.

 

I think having a career and a family right now is a big demand to most women. HAving accomplished them both has as an effect a diminuation in guilt. That's why, IMO women cheat more. They feel less guilty. Plus the fact that they seem to have the possibility: financial and social independence.

[moimeme]

Oh, let's celebrate. Women are turning into jerks as much as men can be.

 

 

If we're *really* lucky, women will catch up to men in the murder stats, too. Can hardly wait.

[meanon]

It's a fact that there is more female infidelity, not a cause for celebration. We are all different, personally I find it helpful to understand what factors in society are changing the choices we make. Knowledge is always preferable to ignorance.

 

People are not essentially different from those in the previous generation in terms of personality. There is no precedent for genetic change on that scale within such a short timescale. That's not to minimise the personal and moral responsibility we have, but something is changing the dynamics of the environment in which that choice takes place.

 

At a personal level it's the same for women as for men, I'm sure: falling in love, sex etc. At a societal level the reason it's more common probably has a lot to do with opportunity, the pressures of day to day life and (as you pointed out, Curly) financial and social independence. It's much more common for people to allow the quality of their relationships (or the absence of a relationship) to define their entire happiness. In the past, at the extremes of good or bad relationships, it was the defining influence on how people felt about life. In the middle it seems to me there was a broad swathe of people in average, up and down relationships who derived their happiness from a wider variety of sources. Often women knew only other women in similar positions. They raised children in tight knit communities amongst extended families. They did not rely as heavily on their husband for emotional support.

[sinner]

No one's celebrating, or at least I'm not. By pointing out the "bad girl" MW article I was simply trying to broaden the usual LoveShack infidelity narrative: oily, manipulative MM stringing along vulnerable, love smitten single OW.

 

At least the article portrays women in an empowered predatory role rather than as duped, dependent victim.

 

It fills out, and balances, the narrative.

 

For the most part, we never hear from the "heavies" in these domestic dramas--the MW and MM without whose actions LoveShack would probably not exist. If these bad boys and bad girls won't speak to us, we might as well learn about them.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by CandyGirl

Yep, with so many husbands out there cheating and addicted to porn what do you think all these wives are doing? Knitting?

 

It's about time the women showed the men that what comes around goes around. I think it's great!

 

I think its tragic.

 

Anyone remember or familiar with the phrase "dumbing down America" ?

 

America is rapidly being reduced to its lowest common denominator. It's not just America, but I live here so I'm more familiar with it, its happening elsewhere in the world. Instead of challenging people to improve and do better in their home, personal, professional and social lives, we are collectively excusing everyone by closing our eyes to our neighbors and teaching our children to accept everything lest anyone be hurt or offended.

 

Freedom comes with boundaries and responsibilities, and that includes penalties.

[leialb]

There was also a very interesting article on in the AARP dealing with women today - the new divorce - basically talking about how many more women today compared to men are filing for divorce. Becausse they are not being emotionally fulfilled in their primary relationship. I can sure vouch for that one.

[VivianLee]

Interesting....

 

Sinner is right, it is a little lopsided here as far as the MM/SW versus the MM/MW....the single woman seems to come across as a victim and the MW comes across as having her cake and eating it too. I think adultery is adultery no matter what the marital status of the participants are and the only victims are those that are being cheated on (including the family and friends and other that trust these people)....

 

Anyway, the article said that the internet AND workplace were the main origins of straying. I disagree. Woman have been in the work force "full force" for over 20 yrs. I truly believe that the new rash of infidelity among married women (plus others) is from the internet. There is just too easy of access! You can find an old flame, new flame or start out with a friendship and from what I've seen there is a high rate of probable cheating as things progress. I'm not saying that the internet "causes" cheating. I just believe it's opened a world of easy access and lowered inhibitions.....what do y'all think?

[moimeme]

I think that people wouldn't cheat if there were free services delivering naked, willing people to their doors if values hadn't changed so much. It astounds me, still, that kids on the bus will cheerily discuss their court cases and arrests as if they are talking about going to the library. When I was in school, a kid that got suspended would be shunned by most of the other kids for having done something unacceptable. Now it's a badge of honour.

 

Social mores have changed radically - you'll see vehement defenses of straying people here on LS, for instance.

Previously, the overwhelming majority of people would not be as tolerant. But if you find acceptance for whatever you do, be it betray a spouse or mistreat a gay person, then you will do it and others will follow.

 

People behave in ways they believe to be socially acceptable. As society accepts more and more behaviour that was previously deemed unacceptable, the bar changes and people feel freer to do what before they might not have.

[meanon]

I know what you mean Moi but i don't agree. Every generation is shocked and scandalised by the behaviour of the young and society is changing yet people are essentially the same as demonstrated by the way we can help each other on Forums such as this. I've yet to see a serious attempt at defending infidelity either, I do see an intolerance of condemnation and a desire to ask questions, understand and support. That's not the same thing at all.

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by moimeme

I think that people wouldn't cheat if there were free services delivering naked, willing people to their doors if values hadn't changed so much. It astounds me, still, that kids on the bus will cheerily discuss their court cases and arrests as if they are talking about going to the library. When I was in school, a kid that got suspended would be shunned by most of the other kids for having done something unacceptable. Now it's a badge of honour.

 

Social mores have changed radically - you'll see vehement defenses of straying people here on LS, for instance.

Previously, the overwhelming majority of people would not be as tolerant. But if you find acceptance for whatever you do, be it betray a spouse or mistreat a gay person, then you will do it and others will follow.

 

People behave in ways they believe to be socially acceptable. As society accepts more and more behaviour that was previously deemed unacceptable, the bar changes and people feel freer to do what before they might not have.

 

That's true on a broader spectrum...the whole world seems to be going down the tubes....which is a cycle that repeats itself century after century....it's just more visible with media access....sin and sinners have been around since the beginning of time.....perversion and cruelty have always existed....when the Roman Empire was at it's biggest, you would have seen and heard things that would make the school bus talk you speak of seem mild....

 

I think attitude can cause decline but I think access is the key.....hence on a smaller spectrum, I believe that infidelity is so much easier thanks to the internet....

[sinner]

The Internet is a gateway to the Heart.

 

If work is an affair incubator, the Net is an affair catalyst. Affairs often happen when friendships develop between men and women. The Net allows for intense one-on-one exchanges that build up intimacy bonds between two strangers. The Net frequently fast frames relationships by creating a counterfeit intimacy between two attention starved individuals.

 

Connection, communication and care are the three C's of an affair. Depending upon the skills of the posters, and their emotional needs, the Net provides an immediate outlet for all three. We all look our best online.

 

The Net also supplies us with alternatives--people who are seemingly prettier, smarter, sexier, funnier, etc. than our real world spouse. Knowledge is a dangerous thing. Successful monogamy often requires a dearth of alternatives.

 

It comes down to this: We are relationship seeking mammals; communication is essential for any relationship; the Net fosters/accelerates communication, which builds relationships(usually of the mile wide, inch deep variety)--some of which may grow into an affair.

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by sinner

The Internet is a gateway to the Heart.

 

If work is an affair incubator, the Net is an affair catalyst. Affairs often happen when friendships develop between men and women. The Net allows for intense one-on-one exchanges that build up intimacy bonds between two strangers. The Net frequently fast frames relationships by creating a counterfeit intimacy between two attention starved individuals.

 

Connection, communication and care are the three C's of an affair. Depending upon the skills of the posters, and their emotional needs, the Net provides an immediate outlet for all three. We all look our best online.

 

The Net also supplies us with alternatives--people who are seemingly prettier, smarter, sexier, funnier, etc. than our real world spouse. Knowledge is a dangerous thing. Successful monogamy often requires a dearth of alternatives.

 

It comes down to this: We are relationship seeking mammals; communication is essential for any relationship; the Net fosters/accelerates communication, which builds relationships(usually of the mile wide, inch deep variety)--some of which may grow into an affair.

 

LOLOL! That's exactly what I meant but you put it 10 times more eloquently than I!!

 

Another odd thing. I don't know any stats but just from my own experience, I've seen about 10 affairs started on the internet (including mine ) and out of those 10, 5 couples went on to marry, are immensely happy and have stayed married. Of course, they have left a path of destruction behind them, broken homes and hearts.

 

Which makes me wonder if these relationships have stronger foundations since it's not based on looks but based on friendship and communication...

 

I was too shallow in my dating years to pick a man to marry that was a dog but had all the good qualities I wanted in a man.... I remember noticing my husband had sweet eyes...but I also noticed he was gorgeous from head to toe and that was the main factor in my dating him (at first)...I grew to love other things about him that weren't based on his looks but still, I went straight for his looks first and foremost...maybe that's how we are wired, at least to a point...

 

When I started talking to the man I eventually had an affair with, we talked for 3 months before we saw each other and honestly I remember thinking, I don't care if he's obese and covered with moles....he's too special to let that get in the way....I did see that he was very attractive, once we met but the attraction was there before we saw each other...

 

A perfect world would be to have this same type of communication and thought process in the dating field and in relationships....

[brashgal]

Cell phones have also allowed affairs to thrive.

 

Both of my ex's affairs were with married women (with several children each) - he just moved in with his 2nd OW who left her marriage also. Although we see more of the single woman involved with married men on this forum, in my real life I've known more MW than SW having affairs.

 

I don't see this happening with young people much either, most of the folks I've known involved in affairs have been pushing 40 and older. And I work with a lot of young people (twentysomethings). Seems the young people's 'affairs' don't last as long, the older folks seem to be in it for the long haul.

[sinner]

Cell phones have also allowed affairs to thrive.

 

Both of my ex's affairs were with married women (with several children each) - he just moved in with his 2nd OW who left her marriage also. Although we see more of the single woman involved with married men on this forum, in my real life I've known more MW than SW having affairs.

 

I don't see this happening with young people much either, most of the folks I've known involved in affairs have been pushing 40 and older. And I work with a lot of young people (twentysomethings). Seems the young people's 'affairs' don't last as long, the older folks seem to be in it for the long haul.

 

 

All sharp observations, brashgal. What you've noted also reflects my limited experience--especially on the major role that cell phones play in affairs.

[Pyrannaste]

The infidelity gap between the dreaded MM and MW is fast closing as more and more wives mimic the bad boy traits of that arch fiend, the MM.

 

I don't think ladies are cheating more, they are just not as good as before at not getting caught.

I also think that the main reason why you see more OWs than OMs on forums is that either OMs take it more easily and can somehow manage not to get too involved or if they are feeling bad about it they don't like the idea of spilling it out on a forum.

[VivianLee]

Cellphones may be a useful accessory during an affair BUT they are also one of the main ways people get caught!

[moimeme]

Meanon, I wasn't talking at all about 'young people these days'. Fact is that a lot of behaviour which used to be socially unacceptable has received wide acceptance lately and this leads people of all ages think it's ok to cheat.