Does a married man HAVE to be a workhorse?

[M30USA]

My wife came from a family where her dad is a workhorse. This guy not only has a good job but also spends nearly all his free time (even weekends) pursuing ways of making additional money, much of which includes a lot of manual labor. He also makes constant home renovations whenever his wife wants them.

 

My question is this: does a man HAVE to do this in order to be a good husband? Assuming I have a steady, average salary job, and I help out around the house with cleaning and chores, do I have to always be following my wife's plans for house renovations, yard improvement, and other forms of work outside my routine job?

 

The problem is that I'm a simple person. Money, outside of meeting our basic needs, means nothing to me. I don't need a lot. But I think my wife comes from a family where they like "stuff" and "gadgets" and being able to live with nice things.

 

Perhaps this was a contrast that we should have picked up on before marriage, but that's water under the bridge.

 

Is there any possible way for this contrast to be solved?

 

An additional problem is that my wife is accustomed to having people do what she asks, do what she says, and getting what she wants. Bottom line is she will get what she wants. That's kind of how she was raised. So compromising is kind of off the table with almost everything.

[Balzac]

Compromise is off the table? Whoa. Where is your man pride hiding?

I'm not sure if your reason for posting is to validate that absent Mr. Handy endeavors you are a good man or for us to point out that many points you made scream "unhappy marriage? You seem to have rolled over long ago.

[WeAllMightBeNuts]

Seen this many times. Wife is on 'dat azz every weekend huh?

 

You knew before you married. Off to Home Depot for you!!!!

[carhill]

IME, the best solution to pollution is dilution; in this case, dissolution.

 

See what get her way wifey has to say to that...

 

Answer to your question is NO!

[WeAllMightBeNuts]

Couple of things can be done.

 

1) Block HGTV and DIY Network. Seen many women that are so unhappy within themselves they have to constantly have something going on to fight it. These two shows give them all the therapy they need.

 

2) Absolutely make a cluster f#@k of anything she asks you to do and look innocent when she gets aggravated with you. She'll eventually stop asking.

[16thstreet]

Depends on the woman he marries. From your description it sounds like you can answer your own question, and that in your situation the answer is a resounding yes. As terrible as it sounds, WAMBN's #2 suggestion might be your best bet.

 

In general, of course the answer is NO.

[M30USA]

Thanks for replies.

 

She had this relationship modelled by her parents. Her dad literally takes orders from her mom. She wants a kitchen remodel? He does it. She wants him to go to the store? He does it. She wants him to stop what he's doing and tend to her needs? He does it. On the surface it seems noble of him. I'm sure he is a very caring and serving man (a good trait), but it's clear as day that he is dominated in all areas of life by his wife.

 

So my wife expected the same from me. I am not a man without a backbone. I really tried my hardest from the beginning of the marriage to have an equal relationship. I did reasonable amounts of work and tried to help within reason. But this is how she would win: if I didn't do what she wanted, she would make my life a living hell. She would keep me up all night and not let me sleep. Or she would turn into an absolute terror and not let me do anything I enjoyed without getting on my ass. If she wasn't happy, I couldn't be happy. Again, I'm not a man without a backbone. But her parents even told me that she was a difficult girl to raise. They--as her parents--admitted that she doesn't know how to listen. That is a huge red flag right there.

[M30USA]

For the record:

 

We are separated now, pending divorce. This is a big reason. But the main reason was her domestic violence and arrest.

[xxoo]

No, of course not.

 

What did you ever see in her?

[M30USA]

No, a man who does as your father in law does and did, is a BAD husband.

 

As proven by the fact that they ended up raising a very dysfunctional daughter.

 

And no, you didn't really have much of a backbone. Maybe now you finally have developed one.

 

A man with a backbone would never have married such a demanding female in the first place.

 

To the extent that up until now you emulated your father in law by endlessly catering to your wife's unreasonable demands, you were also a BAD, not a "good," husband.

 

Whether your marriage ends or not, you need to get into therapy to figure out what in YOUR own background compelled you to marry such an abusive woman--or else you stand a good chance of repeating your mistake in future relationships.

 

You bring up good points. I've heard people say nobody can control another person's actions. All we can do is control our own. And I guess this applies to me here as well. But does this axiom mean that we can solve all problems by changing ourselves? What if, even after making healthy and good changes to ourself, the other person still acts in a way that is detrimental to us and--worsely--refuses compromise or change?

[carhill]

Billions of people to be served and service is not a requirement of living. It's a choice.

[january2011]

No. Traditional marriages seem to be like that. And they seem to work when both partners have traditional values and are happy to fulfil the traditional roles and responsibilites that are defined according to gender.

 

If your wife wants "nice things," she's going to have to pull her weight to ensure that happens. Unless her husband (you) is willing to fall into the provider role over and above being a husband, father and lover, then it's not going to happen. I suspect that she has a certain idea of how family life is meant to be and she thinks that all the house renovations, etc are going to make her happy. Perhaps they made her parents happy, from what she observed as an outsider. But you two are not her parents. And societal values have changed somewhat in many parts of the world.

 

I think that all you can do is negotiate the marriage based on what you both feel is right rather than having one person (your wife) trying to recreate a template of what she thinks is right.

 

Remember, you want your wife to be happy but that should not be at the expense of your happiness. And since you earned the money, you get the final say in terms of how it's used. If you've had enough of the renovations, then say so. If you don't want to work your fingers to the bone, then say so. Work out a budget to live the lifestyle that you want + enough for savings. Then stick to that and tell her that if she wants more discretionary income, she's going to have to earn it herself.

[pink_sugar]

My dad works a lot and he used to work even more when he first became self employed. Now that he's more established, he can get very close to making six figures without working a ton. He actually complains that his now ex-w who is also self employed was and still is a workaholic and he says he's dated a few women since who work around the clock, but he wants to be with someone who isn't working quite so much that they don't have time for a relationship. I honestly wouldn't like it if my husband worked around the clock.I'd want him to still have time for me and our family when we have one someday. That's why I really believe in dual incomes, so one person isn't having to work as much. So my answer to your question is, no you don't have to work too much to be a good husband. To answer your other question, maybe you and your wife can compromise. My brother wants more out of life than his fiance who is happy just to have kids even if she has jobs that don't earn much. Some people are satisfied easily. I don't necessarily want to be rich, but it's nice to be able to go on vacations once in awhile to get away or go out to a nice dinner every now and then.

[MuscleCarFan]

Thanks for replies.

 

She had this relationship modelled by her parents. Her dad literally takes orders from her mom. She wants a kitchen remodel? He does it. She wants him to go to the store? He does it. She wants him to stop what he's doing and tend to her needs? He does it. On the surface it seems noble of him. I'm sure he is a very caring and serving man (a good trait), but it's clear as day that he is dominated in all areas of life by his wife.

 

So my wife expected the same from me. I am not a man without a backbone. I really tried my hardest from the beginning of the marriage to have an equal relationship. I did reasonable amounts of work and tried to help within reason. But this is how she would win: if I didn't do what she wanted, she would make my life a living hell. She would keep me up all night and not let me sleep. Or she would turn into an absolute terror and not let me do anything I enjoyed without getting on my ass. If she wasn't happy, I couldn't be happy. Again, I'm not a man without a backbone. But her parents even told me that she was a difficult girl to raise. They--as her parents--admitted that she doesn't know how to listen. That is a huge red flag right there.

 

Man, no wonder you are getting a divorce! O_O

 

In any case, no a man does not have to work himself for the benefit of his lady. I think both parties need to do equal work to get what they want not make one person work themselves to death. That is not fair whatsoever.

[M30USA]

Duck,

 

Let me clarify what I mean by "lack of ambition". I was using that term to describe what it appears like to my wife and her family. I have a bachelors degree and a medium salary job. But, unlike my wife's family, money is not important to me. I don't need the latest gadgets. I have a strong ability to be content with what I have. But her family is always renovating rooms that are perfectly fine, trying to get better jobs even when they have a good one, going out to eat a lot, buying zillions of clothes for babies from Gap, etc. It's just not my style. But the problem comes when I'm forced to adopt this lifestyle to try to match her expectations.