Tell or don't tell??

[xoaj]

I've been with my boyfriend since January. We have a good relationship for the most part but don't see each other often despite living and working within a reasonable distance.

We are extremely compatible in every way including the bedroom but we haven't had sex in over a month. Our schedules are both hectic and we haven't been able to see each other more than once or twice a week if were lucky.

 

Last night I went out to a bar and ran into a family friend of mine whom I have always been attracted to. Drinks and shots helped me along as I made my way back to his place and we had sex.

 

I know that the lack of attention from my boyfriend coupled with the excitement of having someone willing to give me what I was missing is a huge factor in why I made the decision I did.

 

Thing is, I do love my current partner and I do not want to sacrifice what we have for a stupid mistake I made one time and one time only and a mistake I know won't be repeated. I have NEVER in my life cheated.

 

I'm a big girl and I know that I should step up and take responsibility for what I've done but I don't know if its worth hurting him when the only way he'd know is if I tell him.

Edited July 5, 2012 by xoaj
Spelling error

[Robert P]

If you tell him, it will likely make the relationship come to an end.

 

If I think about ethics, you should tell him.

 

But, if you want to be happy and you're sure that he'll never find out (eg.: he doesn't know the guy), then don't tell him.

Edited July 5, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[xoaj]

He has a right to know that he has the potential to be exposed to STD's. You sound like you are very immature and don't have the maturity level to be in any type of relationship. Tell him the truth and let him make the decision to get rid of you and find a more suitable partner with class. You say you love your partner, but you probably have no clue what love is. What you did was premeditated. You have never in your life cheated? Well now you did, and this won't be the last.

 

I know that what I did wasn't exactly the classiest thing in the world but that hardly makes me a classless whore. It was selfish and I know well enough to admit that. Also it wasn't premeditated...I was drunk (which is not an excuse but it played its part) and I hadn't been touched in over a month despite the fact that I am in a steady relationship...I had no plans or intentions of leaving with anyone, it just happened

Edited July 5, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[xoaj]

If you tell him, it will likely make the relationship come to an end.

 

If I think about ethics, you should tell him.

 

But, if you want to be happy and you're sure that he'll never find out (eg.: he doesn't know the guy), then don't tell him.

 

 

I appreciate the input.

Edited July 5, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MichiganMan222]

OK, first of all, you need to stop thinking that you love this man. Your actions essentially prove to all that you don't. And that's ok, because you're not obligated to give anyone love. If you had loved him, you wouldn't have done what you did. The fact that you remember what happened tells us that you had a large degree of reason, so your decision what made with plenty of clarity.

 

Be that as it may, your crime is not letting bar-guy stick his sausage in you. Your real crime is making boyfriend think that you're a real couple and that you love him. This is really what you need to deal with. We know that you don't love him, but do you LIKE him? If you do, than do the right thing and begin the process of ending your relationship. You can do it quickly by telling him what happened or you can go with Plan B, which is manufacturing some other reason-most likely his fault. But Plan B is really just more cruelty piled on top of what you've already done. So go with with Plan A. I assume the man has self-respect so he will immediately kick you to the curb. When you tell him that you got drunk and spread your legs, then this will help him in his healing. While it will still profoundly sting and he will mourn the loss what the what he perceived he had, he will eventually come to terms that it was YOUR shortcomings that caused the end of the relationship.

 

Bottom line, do this man right and tell him what happened so he can begin searching for a real relationship. If he decides to give you a pass, well then I guess he deserves what he gets going forward, but at least get tested once in a while, or have your lovers tested, so you don't destroy his physical health on top of his mental health.

Edited July 5, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[William]

Thread starter, when encountering 'harsh' replies which contain the adjectives I've removed from this thread, report those posts to moderators. We like to know about them. Thanks.

[Robert P]

Thread starter, when encountering 'harsh' replies which contain the adjectives I've removed from this thread, report those posts to moderators. We like to know about them. Thanks.

 

I guess this one was for me. I apologize for any bad word I may have used. Sorry, really.

[Madman81]

I've been with my boyfriend since January. We have a good relationship for the most part but don't see each other often despite living and working within a reasonable distance.

We are extremely compatible in every way including the bedroom but we haven't had sex in over a month. Our schedules are both hectic and we haven't been able to see each other more than once or twice a week if were lucky.

 

Last night I went out to a bar and ran into a family friend of mine whom I have always been attracted to. Drinks and shots helped me along as I made my way back to his place and we had sex.

 

I know that the lack of attention from my boyfriend coupled with the excitement of having someone willing to give me what I was missing is a huge factor in why I made the decision I did.

 

Thing is, I do love my current partner and I do not want to sacrifice what we have for a stupid mistake I made one time and one time only and a mistake I know won't be repeated. I have NEVER in my life cheated.

 

I'm a big girl and I know that I should step up and take responsibility for what I've done but I don't know if its worth hurting him when the only way he'd know is if I tell him.

Banging the other guy was selfish of you. Unfortunately, you seem to be willing to compound the selfishness by not coming clean with your BF because you "love" him and don't want to sacrifice the relationship.

 

Don't be under any illusions that you're doing your BF a favour by keeping quiet.

 

Firstly, he deserves the respect of you being honest with him, so that he can make decisions about the course of HIS life armed with all the information. Part of that information, unfortunately, is the fact that you cheated on him with a "family friend".

 

Secondly, if the other guy actually is a "family friend", then you're likely to run into him many times in the future at family gatherings to which you've also brought your BF. Which means your BF is going to be chatting and making nice with the guy who, unbeknownst to him, banged his GF. For you to put your BF in that position would be collossally disrespectful to him.

 

Thirdly, you have no idea who the "family friend" has told about this. Bad news has legs, and people love a scandal. Thus news of a scandal tends to spread at a geometric rate. Most likely, it WILL get out eventually. And if it gets back to your BF, after you've been with him for a few more years, and maybe married and had kids with him, he will most likely feel like his entire relationship with you after the six month mark has been a fraud. And that you've defrauded him. Believe me, getting out of THAT mess will be a hell of a lot harder than the mess you're currently in. For a whole bunch of reasons.

 

Fourthly, another problem with not telling him is that, most likely, you'll do it again. After all, you know that you're already a cheater. It's not like you can be more of a cheater. So, in your mind, what'll be wrong with another little roll in the hay with the "family friend" -- or somebody else -- next time your alcohol consumption coincides with a warm tingly feeling in your pants?

 

Lastly, stop referring to what you did as a "mistake". It wasn't a mistake. A mistake is an accident, as in "whoops...". You purposely had sex with another guy, and you did it because YOU WANTED TO. Nobody forced you to do it -- YOU CHOSE TO BETRAY HIM.

 

Put on your big girl panties, own you shyt, tell him what you did, and accept the consequences. If he ends things with you, chalk it up to a life lesson painfully learned, move on from it, and take steps to change your life from this point on.

[veggirl]

Yes you should tell your BF. He has a right to know.

 

You have only been together for 6 months, already cheating? There is no excuse. If you are upset that you aren't getting enough sex / affection from your man you need to discuss that with him, not find it elsewhere.

 

BTW, no sex for a month after only 5 months? Red flag, your R is on its last leg, bite the bullet WOMAN UP and tell him what you did.

[Reddice]

There is so much wrong with the OP that I don't even know where to begin... So let me just cut to the chase:

 

- You don't love your BF

- You are in a worthless relationship

- You don't know/understand what it is to be in a loving relationship

- Tell your BF what happened

- Then, break up.

 

Basically, your relationship cannot and should not be saved. Even if you stay together, it won't last over 1 year.

[Cold_Hard_Truth]

Thing is, I do love my current partner and I do not want to sacrifice what we have for a stupid mistake I made one time and one time only and a mistake I know won't be repeated. I have NEVER in my life cheated.

 

There are so many things wrong with what I just read and all I can do is shake my head in disbelief.

 

Quit calling it a mistake because it wasn't. You made a conscious decision to leave with this family friend, to enter his house, to go into his bedroom, to take off your clothes, to get into bed with him, and carry out the act. You made a lot of decisions that night, none of them were mistakes. Tell your boyfriend the truth, don't steal his life away from him for your own selfish reasons. Your relationship is now a lie.

[Darren Steez]

I've been with my boyfriend since January. We have a good relationship for the most part but don't see each other often despite living and working within a reasonable distance.

We are extremely compatible in every way including the bedroom but we haven't had sex in over a month. Our schedules are both hectic and we haven't been able to see each other more than once or twice a week if were lucky.

 

Last night I went out to a bar and ran into a family friend of mine whom I have always been attracted to. Drinks and shots helped me along as I made my way back to his place and we had sex.

I know that the lack of attention from my boyfriend coupled with the excitement of having someone willing to give me what I was missing is a huge factor in why I made the decision I did.

 

Thing is, I do love my current partner and I do not want to sacrifice what we have for a stupid mistake I made one time and one time only and a mistake I know won't be repeated. I have NEVER in my life cheated.

 

I'm a big girl and I know that I should step up and take responsibility for what I've done but I don't know if its worth hurting him when the only way he'd know is if I tell him.

 

You blame him for lack of attention, why didn't you talk to him about it?

 

You met a friend you've always been attracted to, and in your mind you already knew you were going to cheat so the drinks were just a means to an end to help you get there..

 

If you really "loved" your boyfriend, who you've been with since January so six long months and you've already cheated on him. You had decisions to make and you allowed the sex to happen.

 

So let's review this, 6 months into relationship, already cheating, already hiding secrets, so how long before you feel "neglected" again or anything other excuse before you cheat on him again?

 

If you love someone, I mean truly love someone, then you tell him, not because we want to see some form of justice or see you put in your place, but because if you love someone then you don't lie to them period, you don't hurt the person you love, you respect them, honour them, otherwise it's not love and it's not respect.

 

Respect yourself and this union, respect your partner, if this is really love then you tell him, he has a right to know, you would want the same for yourself, and next time you feel unattended to, talk to him.

[GLDheart]

To the OP:

 

You did not "make a mistake"... you "made a choice".

 

At the time, you made the choice that was in your best interest. You state that you wanted the attention. You state that the Other Guy gave you what you were missing. That sounds like pretty good self awareness to me. The drinking may have greased your morals a bit but YOU made the choice.

 

Cheating is a despicable way to selfishly fill your needs. It, by very definition, means you gained an unfair advantage over the one cheated on. If you think that your current boyfriend will never find out, you are DEAD WRONG. I don't know how this works but... somehow the truth will come out and it will be at the worst time in the world for you. Call it Karma, call it whatever, but someday you will get smacked in the face with the cold hard truth and it will cost you.

 

You have two choices that can still retain some self respect for yourself:

1. Say nothing and walk away from your current boyfriend. Do not talk about it. Do not look back.

2. Apologise for your selfish behavior and tell him what happened.

 

Do not ask for forgiveness. That is his to decide what to do with and besides, any quick "I forgive you" is just a gut reaction from him anyway. After betrayal, True forgiveness takes a long time.

 

Remember, tell him the truth FOR YOURSELF. By being honest with him, you can forgive yourself for a bad decision. You can look him in the eye later on down the road in life... Most importantly, You can look yourself in the mirror and understand you made a bad choice and everyday are trying to be a better person.

Edited July 8, 2012 by GLDheart

[Plan 9 from OS]

You can't build a meaningful relationship based on deceipt. If you really want to have a relationship with the BF, and you truly love him, then you need to own up to the mistake and tell him. He deserves to make an informed choice and know exactly who he is having a relationship with. It doesn't matter if this is your first time cheating or not, your BF deserves the right to know so that he can determine if it is worth it for him to take the risk of staying with you with the possibility that you may cheat on him again.

 

But what I fine a little curious is that if the two of you are reasonably close (2 hours away, 1 hour away?), then why aren't the two of you spending more time together if you are both in love? Also, if this relationship is serious enough that it could unfold into an engagement and ultimately marriage, then why aren't you two making efforts to move closer to each other? I'm not saying you have to spill your guts about it, but I think these are good questions to ponder in order to determine if this relationship is truly as good as you say it is. Is he really the one?

[AH1990]

Thought I'd put my $0.02 in:

 

The longer you wait, the worse the aftermath will be.

 

 

That is all.

[yankees51988]

You should tell him and just tell him that he should go out and cheat on you once if it will help him get over it then you guys can work things out.

[utterer of lies]

Thing is, I do love my current partner and I do not want to sacrifice what we have for a stupid mistake I made one time and one time only and a mistake I know won't be repeated. I have NEVER in my life cheated.

 

I'm a big girl and I know that I should step up and take responsibility for what I've done but I don't know if its worth hurting him when the only way he'd know is if I tell him.

 

If you are sure you will not cheat on him again, and if you are sure that you want to be in the relationship with him, don't tell him.

 

Knowing will just **** him up, and damage your relationship even more. Telling him will not repair the relationship, or make good on what you did. It will not help him. It will not help you.

[ilikeapplepie]

You don't deserve him, tell him and I hope he forgets you.

[blbk28]

You have to tell him. I am only on this site because I just found out five days ago that the man I have been dating fr two years was sleeping with someone else for four weeks in April/ May, and despite undeniable proof.. he continued to lie. Don't do that to him.. moreover, don't do it to yourself. It will haunt you. Restore your integrity.. come clean.. and although you can not control his response, he is entilted to make his decision for thence forth.

 

Truth is.. if you have only been dating for 6-7 months and you already have not had sex in a month and have a "hard time" seeing eachother.. your relationship does not sound very solid. When you truley love someone, you make time.. and I am not jusging you, but when you truley love someone you do not sleep with someone else..regardless if alcohol is invovled. That's not love. Love is an action, it is unconditional, and it is consistant. You owe it to him and yourself to reveal the truth. I hope you do.

[nofool4u]

I know that the lack of attention from my boyfriend coupled with the excitement of having someone willing to give me what I was missing is a huge factor in why I made the decision I did.

 

Then break up with your bf and refrain from committed relationships. You aren't suited for them.

 

You aren't getting attention from your bf because of distance and schedules, not because it is willful.

 

So if thats all it takes for you to cheat, then stay single and uncommitted.

 

 

Thing is, I do love my current partner

 

Funny, I would never betray someone I truly love. If you disagree, then tell your boyfriend and see if he feels the love of a cheating girlfriend.

 

 

and I do not want to sacrifice what we have for a stupid mistake I made one time

 

It wasn't a mistake. You did it because you wanted to do it.

 

 

and one time only and a mistake I know won't be repeated. I have NEVER in my life cheated.

 

Really, so its completely out of your system now that you got to gratify yourself with another guy? Maybe you should tell your bf and allow him to do the same. Its only fair right?

 

 

I'm a big girl and I know that I should step up and take responsibility for what I've done but I don't know if its worth hurting him when the only way he'd know is if I tell him.

 

Easy answer, if you respect him, tell him. He deserves to know the kind of girl he is with.

 

If you don't respect him, then don't tell him.

[nofool4u]

If you are sure you will not cheat on him again, and if you are sure that you want to be in the relationship with him, don't tell him.

 

Knowing will just **** him up, and damage your relationship even more. Telling him will not repair the relationship, or make good on what you did. It will not help him. It will not help you.

 

Not telling him teaches her a very valuable lesson. That she can get away with it.

[GLDheart]

Not telling him teaches her a very valuable lesson. That she can get away with it.

 

I would normally agree but in this case it will just Gnaw at her soul. She will live in constant fear that somehow the truth will come out. She will begin to act nuerotic, controlling, and will snoop on his phone etc... This will all lead to HIM thinking she's a freak. He will then think very lowly of her and soon HE WILL CHEAT ON HER...

 

I'm Just Kidding... But seriously tell him and live with a clean conscious.

[ilikeapplepie]

 

I'm Just Kidding... But seriously tell him and live with a clean conscious.

 

**** her conscious, who cares about her conscious, she's a dirty little slut, she doesn't deserve him and she needs to tell him so he can forget her and find somebody who will love him and be faithful...

 

And then she can go to all the clubs in town, taking a new man home every night, maybe even 2 men, and get destroyed like the dirty slut she is.

 

Cheating girls make me

[jnj express]

Hey XO-----1st this was not a mistake---it was a series of choices by you---to get drunk, to leave with your so-called friend, to go somewhere with him to do whatever the 2 of you discussed, to go into the place where you eventually spread your legs, to go thru foreplay, to get clothes off, to have sex---everyone of those things was a seperate choice made by you---all the while knowing you had a BF, that you allegedly love---

 

But you don't really love him do you---cuz if you did love him, this would not have happened---no matter what the circumstances were

 

Your excuses, are just your justification for cheating

 

At this point you have no real morals, or values, and you have NO F'ing clue as to what love is---if you really truly loved someone, you would have stopped yourself---so please stop telling us how you love your BF----who your really love is yourself, and it's good old selfish you, that you think of 1st---and that's not what true, mature love is all about.

 

You will do whatever you want, no matter what anyone says---it's just too bad your innocent, loving, BF, is liable to end up stuck with a selfish, UNLOVING, person such as you.

[tough love]

Trust me, you DEFINITELY NEED to tell him. I am facing a similar situation except it was my wife who cheated early in our dating relationship, but we were committed and talking marriage and did get married. Fast forward to now, nearly 20 years into our marriage with kids. Long story short, I just found out she had a one night stand under very similar circumstances as yours, but with someone she didn't know. Needless to say, I am devastated, not only because of the one night stand but as much, if not more so because she lied about it when I became suspicious about it 6 months into our dating. It's a long complicated story as to how I eventually found it, but she did admit it, regrets it and is sorry, but I can't begin to tell you how hard it has been on both of us. We have been happy our entire time together and I always thought we had the perfect relationship and marriage that fairytales are made of. Now, I am left feeling like I was cheated of making a choice as to whether we continued our relationship, tricked into marriage, deceived, disrespected, played for a fool and like the whole foundation of our relationship and marriage was built on lies. She now sees how wrong she was to make the mistake and then lie about it. Now we are in counseling, she hates herself, I am doubting our whole relationship and we have kids in the mix. Ultimately, we will be okay and work through this, but it would have been so much easier to deal with when it happened. PLEASE do right by both of you and TELL HIM the truth.