How to have a talk with FWB about our status

[Crescent_Cat]

Basically, I'm sort of in a friends with benefits type of deal with a guyfriend of mine that I met in college, but it seems more than just a FWB type of deal. I'm not sure though, because we've never had an in-depth talk about us and this has only been going on for 4weeks out of the 7months we've known each other. I'm also not sure of what we are because he sends me mixed signals. We text a lot everyday and he's usually one to initiate the texts. Sometimes after texting all day, he will get sexual with me through text, and I wont lie, sometimes I've initiated those types of texts with him too. Sometimes, if I refuse to take part in the convo, he'll completely withdraw from the conversation and I wont hear from him until the next day (he only does sexting late at night, so it's not a big deal when the conversation stops).

Yet, even though that happens, he will drive 2hrs to see me even though he knows he won't be getting any that night, because when he spends the night at my house, he has to sleep in a separate room. During the 2nd week of us hooking up, I told him that my family friend (whom he met while he was over) thinks we're dating, and I kinda giggled about it, and he seemed upset. This week, when he came over again, I asked him what he'd label us, and he looked down and said "I don't know..." very quietly. I don't know if he was just saying that because of my earlier comment and he was upset, or he just didn't want to talk about it, because he didn't want to say the "wrong answer".

Our mutual friend, who has known him longer than I have thinks he may be using me, especially since he treated his last FWB the way he does with me. Yet, I was friends with him during his whole drama with the girl, and what happened was that he considered them to be dating, while she only saw him as a fwb, and then the tables turned and he only saw her as a fwb while she wanted to date, and then it got complicated and both didn't know what they wanted from each other and they always butted heads and got in horrible arguments, so they agreed to stop. Which is why the mutual friend thinks he may just be using me. What I don't get is, if we're a FWB type of deal, why give the girlfriend treatment? He always buys me things when we go out, even when he drives to see me. I always tell him that he doesn't need to, and we get into little friendly fights about who pays the bill. It's usually a race of who gives the card/cash to the register first. Even when we were strictly just friends, he would always pay for my things, but not our mutual friends things (even when she went out with us). He would even randomly hold my hand while walking on campus (I would blow it by holding our mutual friend's hands and creating a chain out of not knowing what to do and being shy about it). He now also invites me to his hometown friend's events (canoeing with them, having a cookout with them, etc). He even invites me to family events (birthday parties, BBQs, even their family vacation). Sometimes, he'll send me texts that says he misses me, so yesterday, instead of saying "I miss you too", I jokingly sent "Oh, you're just saying that because you're horny" and he became offended. What's different between the old fwb and me though is, he didn't really invite her to hang out with his friends and family. He also stopped paying for her things when they hooked up, yet he still continues with me...I'm not sure if he's just trying "advance" his points to keep me longer or something like that.

His mother even really loves me and he told me that she always brings me up and says she loves when I come over. She even helped him invite me to his little cousin and sister's dual birthday party, saying "His grandmother would just love you, I know it!". She always pushes us together when I stay over, as she will give us "date ideas". She's even told me privately while he showered how much of a good influence I was on him, as he's started helping out around the house more after I kinda scolded him for being disrespectful towards his mother and how he should help out around the house more as she is stressed out (I know, it's not my place, but I felt bad as I know his mother is super busy. Apparently when she noticed him helping more, she asked why, and he said that he's realized how much work she does for him and wants to show his appreciation, and that I helped him realize that). He never mentioned how he's helping her out more to me...I never even mentioned to him how his mother told me either. With his last fwb, his mother and brother really disliked her.

His brother also invites the two of us to go out with him and his girlfriend...and it feels like a double date...

I know I need to have a talk with him, and that is what I plan on doing when I drive down to visit him this weekend. Thing is, I don't know how to bring it up, or what to even say. I really just want to get this over with, because I do want to pursue a relationship with him.

[manup]

All you can do is bring it up to him directly, more than likely though you're just a buddy and a jizz dumpster to him albeit there is a very small chance this could turn into more.

[Arabella]

It sounds like he's coming around to seeing you as a girlfriend. It's not the norm, but it does happen... particularly with guys who are afraid of being in a relationship. They may choose to engage in a non-committed relationship until they are absolutely sure they really want you. If I were you, I'd just leave it be for a little while (a few weeks/months) and see what happens.

 

Wait for things to cement before you bring it up... and when you do, be assertive. Point out all the things you've said here, tell him that you already feel like you're a couple, and you should make it official. You can't leave any room for ambiguity, essentially forcing him to make a decision. If this is something he wants, he'll go for it.

 

-A