He's on vacation with his kids

[rosieisblue]

He's away for ten days with his kids and their having a great time, but they've told him they'll never meet me or spend time with me.

 

When he gets back we have a few days together and then he has the kids for another week, then we go away for a break.

 

It still feels like he's living two lives. He has his life with his kids, which I'm not a part of, and then his life with me. Even his birthday a few weeks ago had to be celebrated the day before because he was going to be with his kids on the actual day and I wasn't allowed along.

 

I'm sort of ok with this right now but how long will this last? How can we ever really be truly together if the kids are always there between us? They still hate me, especially the older one and now the younger one is starting to say he hates me as well and won't see me.

 

The wife is completely moving towards divorce, so that's good. It's filed, their working on an agreement and although there are arguments it seems to be moving forward. They'll be divorced before the end of teh year.

 

I miss him so much right now, even though we're in touch with texting and such. He's having a great time with his kids but I wonder if we'll ever have that with them as a couple.

 

How do I make this all work well? How do we get the kids to accept that I make him happy? And I do, he tells me this all the time. I make him so happy.

 

I think I'm just feeling down today and miss him.

[reboot]

How old are his children?

[rosieisblue]

They're 11 and 13. The affair was exposed on the 13 year old's birthday and he resents it still.

[jwi71]

He's away for ten days with his kids and their having a great time, but they've told him they'll never meet me or spend time with me.

 

They don't have to accept you. It's a simple statement of fact - they don't have to like, see or accept you. And why would they?

 

You have previously stated that you wanted essentially nothing to do with them. That you refused to be step-mom.

It's almost as of you had a near revulsion for them. And if multiple LS posters can pick up on it I PROMISE others do as well - namely those kids. Essentially, your attitude towards them sucks.

 

You have steadfastly refused to see your MM as a package deal. Every single parent is. Your attitude towards the kids, your planned lack of involvement and the fact the kids might (and very likely do) see you as the cause of hurting mom and upending their lives - is a recipe for disaster.

 

Weren't you the one who received an invitation to meet his stbxw to discuss parenting the kids? Did you go? Or did you not go as you posted?

 

It still feels like he's living two lives. He has his life with his kids, which I'm not a part of, and then his life with me. Even his birthday a few weeks ago had to be celebrated the day before because he was going to be with his kids on the actual day and I wasn't allowed along.

 

You created this. You created it by all the above I previously said.

It feels like two lives because it is - one with his kids and the other without.

And honestly, until you decide that his children ARE part of him, this is what you get. And - it may not be fixable.

 

That's something time and loads of family therapy can address.

 

I'm sort of ok with this right now but how long will this last? How can we ever really be truly together if the kids are always there between us? They still hate me, especially the older one and now the younger one is starting to say he hates me as well and won't see me.

 

Well, it will last as you decide to maintain your divisive actions and as long as those kids want.

 

Kids CAN end R's - happens all the time. And typically when they refuse to accept the new woman in their life or the lady refuses to accept the kids. Here, we have both.

 

My advice is to accept this for what it is for now. The kids have/are experiencing major trauma and they need adjustment time. Do a complete 180 and accept these kids, him and his stbxw into YOUR life. I would encourage family therapy for him and the kids with the goal of your inclusion into those down the road.

 

Otherwise you will crash and burn.

 

I miss him so much right now, even though we're in touch with texting and such. He's having a great time with his kids but I wonder if we'll ever have that with them as a couple.

 

Maybe. Maybe not.

Until YOU start valuing those kids versus seeing them as obstacles to YOUR happiness, it won't happen. In fact, you may drive him away.

 

He's a package deal.

You WILL be step mom.

Or you will be history.

 

It may not be too late to turn this around....

[BetrayedH]

My W and I are divorcing (she cheated). My kids won't be meeting my new girlfriend for 6-12 months. They don't even know about her.

 

I don't know your backstory but if the kids are aware that you came between their parents, good luck. You're going to need it and probably a lot more than 6-12 months. I wouldn't count in them ever liking you if they love their mother. Did you not anticipate this?

[woinlove]

It's early days. The children haven't known about you that long, they are still getting used to not living with their father, and I think you said they are moving out of their home now too, which is another big event for them. That is a lot for them to get used to and it sounds like the counselling they are in is really working in that they can have a good time with their father this soon after all these changes.

 

When the divorce is final and you two move in together, that will be soon enough for them to adapt to your role as their father's new partner. The quality of the relationship their father establishes with them under these new circumstances will play a key role in any future relationship they have with you. So, I would give him time and space to do this. As difficult as it is for you to see him as having two parallel lives right now, his children no doubt find it even more difficult to come to grips with the fact that he had a parallel life he kept hidden from them which has caused so much upheaval in the only home they knew. It may help you to focus on what the children have been going through and doing what you can to support their father in giving them what they need to adapt.

[rosieisblue]

They don't have to accept you. It's a simple statement of fact - they don't have to like, see or accept you. And why would they?

 

You have previously stated that you wanted essentially nothing to do with them. That you refused to be step-mom.

It's almost as of you had a near revulsion for them. And if multiple LS posters can pick up on it I PROMISE others do as well - namely those kids. Essentially, your attitude towards them sucks.

 

You have steadfastly refused to see your MM as a package deal. Every single parent is. Your attitude towards the kids, your planned lack of involvement and the fact the kids might (and very likely do) see you as the cause of hurting mom and upending their lives - is a recipe for disaster.

 

Weren't you the one who received an invitation to meet his stbxw to discuss parenting the kids? Did you go? Or did you not go as you posted?

 

 

 

You created this. You created it by all the above I previously said.

It feels like two lives because it is - one with his kids and the other without.

And honestly, until you decide that his children ARE part of him, this is what you get. And - it may not be fixable.

 

That's something time and loads of family therapy can address.

 

 

 

Well, it will last as you decide to maintain your divisive actions and as long as those kids want.

 

Kids CAN end R's - happens all the time. And typically when they refuse to accept the new woman in their life or the lady refuses to accept the kids. Here, we have both.

 

My advice is to accept this for what it is for now. The kids have/are experiencing major trauma and they need adjustment time. Do a complete 180 and accept these kids, him and his stbxw into YOUR life. I would encourage family therapy for him and the kids with the goal of your inclusion into those down the road.

 

Otherwise you will crash and burn.

 

 

 

Maybe. Maybe not.

Until YOU start valuing those kids versus seeing them as obstacles to YOUR happiness, it won't happen. In fact, you may drive him away.

 

He's a package deal.

You WILL be step mom.

Or you will be history.

 

It may not be too late to turn this around....

 

I just don't see where I'll be their stepmother. I'm only 12 years older than his oldest kid so I don't see me being anything more than a friend to them. They have a mother and that's good.

 

I don't resent them, I guess I just resent that because of the way the marriage ended they aren't able to see, and might not ever see, that the marriage was dead and over before I ever came on the scene. Why else would he have cheated on her before? I almost wish they knew that part because then they would see that he had been unhappy for a really long time.

 

He will not let them end our relationship. We've talked about this and he says that I make him happy and he is sure the kids will come around. In time, i hope so.

 

But it's hard when they think I'm this evil woman who destroyed their family when it was already broken before he ever met me.

 

But I don't think I'll be their stepmother. I see itmore as I'll be their father's partner and we can hang out and get along and be friends but by the time he and I have a family of our own they'll be grown or nearly grown so it won't be the sort of situation where they need 'parenting' and certainly not from me.

[rosieisblue]

My W and I are divorcing (she cheated). My kids won't be meeting my new girlfriend for 6-12 months. They don't even know about her.

 

I don't know your backstory but if the kids are aware that you came between their parents, good luck. You're going to need it and probably a lot more than 6-12 months. I wouldn't count in them ever liking you if they love their mother. Did you not anticipate this?

 

It all happened so quickly that I didn't have time to think about it. We met, became friends, it turned into love, she found out and kicked him out. It all happened so quickly, in a matter of months, so there wasn't a lot of time or room to think about the long term future. I was still living with my boyfriend for about 6 weeks after he left his wife so we weren't even sure we were going to be together. Then my bf and I broke up and we got together for real.

 

His wife is the one who told the kids. She told them something like 'your father says he's in love with someone else so we're getting a divorce'. The kids were crushed. MM says that his younger kid cried so hard and was absolutely crushed and he was so angry at his wife for hurting the kids that way.

 

I wish, looking back, that we had had the time to plan this more carefully but her finding out blew all that up. We were planning on taking things slow, seeing where it would go, planning to leave our relationships carefully so that no one got hurt and that everyone would be eased into the new situation. That's as far as we had talked and it was planned for many, many months down the road.

 

I don't regret that we're together now, I do regret the way it happened because so many people got hurt.

[rosieisblue]

It's early days. The children haven't known about you that long, they are still getting used to not living with their father, and I think you said they are moving out of their home now too, which is another big event for them. That is a lot for them to get used to and it sounds like the counselling they are in is really working in that they can have a good time with their father this soon after all these changes.

 

When the divorce is final and you two move in together, that will be soon enough for them to adapt to your role as their father's new partner. The quality of the relationship their father establishes with them under these new circumstances will play a key role in any future relationship they have with you. So, I would give him time and space to do this. As difficult as it is for you to see him as having two parallel lives right now, his children no doubt find it even more difficult to come to grips with the fact that he had a parallel life he kept hidden from them which has caused so much upheaval in the only home they knew. It may help you to focus on what the children have been going through and doing what you can to support their father in giving them what they need to adapt.

 

They've known about me for as long as his wife has known, since last November. She kicked him out right away and told everyone what was going on. She may have even told people about his other affairs.

 

They love their dad but they are firm that they will not accept me and it's only gotten worse over the past months. I just want a cool, friendly relationship with them when I see them, which probalby won't be all that often. We aren't moving in together any time soon. We talk about it but right now it's not going to happen because of money and the kids. Their with the mother most of the time and he has to pay for everything so we just see each other when he's not with the kids.

 

They fight with him about me almost every time they see him, though, and it's really damaging their relationship with him because he is clear that I make him happy and thismakes them really angry.

[woinlove]

I just don't see where I'll be their stepmother. I'm only 12 years older than his oldest kid so I don't see me being anything more than a friend to them. They have a mother and that's good.

 

I don't resent them, I guess I just resent that because of the way the marriage ended they aren't able to see, and might not ever see, that the marriage was dead and over before I ever came on the scene. Why else would he have cheated on her before? I almost wish they knew that part because then they would see that he had been unhappy for a really long time.

 

He will not let them end our relationship. We've talked about this and he says that I make him happy and he is sure the kids will come around. In time, i hope so.

 

But it's hard when they think I'm this evil woman who destroyed their family when it was already broken before he ever met me.

 

But I don't think I'll be their stepmother. I see itmore as I'll be their father's partner and we can hang out and get along and be friends but by the time he and I have a family of our own they'll be grown or nearly grown so it won't be the sort of situation where they need 'parenting' and certainly not from me.

 

I see a lot of red flags in your response. A family of your own? Do you think you two will have the kind of relationship that divides up your family into his and hers, you parent those, I'll parent these?

 

As to you wishing they knew their father was a serial cheater because then they would understand - there is a good chance they would lose respect for their father if they knew. Serial cheating says something about the character of their father. I don't think it is good that he refused counselling, but let's hope he will somehow manage to change anyway. You have the impression that cheating is all a matter of the state of the M, whereas it is much more a matter of the state of the person who chooses to cheat. Often the same marriage can have one spouse cheating and the other one not. That is because M involves two distinct people, each who make their own choices about how they want to behave and how they want to treat others.

 

Just from what you have written, I have little respect for MM, not just because of his serial cheating, but also how he treated his youngest child with you, and also how he refused to participate in the family counselling. Sounds to me that the positive R he can still have with his children must have a lot to do with their mother, who has not only be insisting that he remain an active father with them, but even encouraging you to get ready for a step-parenting role if you two remain together.

[rosieisblue]

I guess I feel like that the way things happened make it so difficult to make things work for us.

 

I know his wife asked to meet with me but I felt like it was manipulation and he was VERY against it. He does not want us to meet because he thinks she'll give me a hard time and wants to avoid that.

 

also, I dont' see any reason to meet her. Why? What can she tell me about the kids that MM can't tell me? I am not going to be friends with her and we will have nothing to do with each other's lives.

 

I know i'm young and I didn't mean to fall in love with an older guy with kids but I did and now I need to know how to figure this out. I can see letting them alone for now but what about Christmas? Do I have to spend it with my family and he spends it with his kids? What about other events and holidays? When do we become a couple that can do what any other couple does?

 

Also, his wife is very close to his family, particularly his sisters and sees them a lot. I've met them once or twice and their nice to me but I wonder if this is going to work on that level as well. Their all nice to me but I feel like an outsider and I'd rather not spend time with them.

 

And most of the friends have been kept by the wife. MM has a couple of friends from before he met his wife and their nice and all but we mainly hang out with each other, our work colleagues or my friends. I did meat one friend that is close to the wife and he was nice to me but she got angry about it and I haven't seen that guy since. he's one of the wife's closest friends but is also close to MM.

 

It's just much more complicated than you can believe and I want it to be calm and nice for everyone. I don't want to be hated for falling in love and for making a man who was unhappy happy again.

[woinlove]

They've known about me for as long as his wife has known, since last November. She kicked him out right away and told everyone what was going on. She may have even told people about his other affairs.

 

They love their dad but they are firm that they will not accept me and it's only gotten worse over the past months. I just want a cool, friendly relationship with them when I see them, which probalby won't be all that often. We aren't moving in together any time soon. We talk about it but right now it's not going to happen because of money and the kids. Their with the mother most of the time and he has to pay for everything so we just see each other when he's not with the kids.

 

They fight with him about me almost every time they see him, though, and it's really damaging their relationship with him because he is clear that I make him happy and thismakes them really angry.

 

Re the bolded, what you write about is such a tiny, insignificant thing in their lives which right now involve such huge, major life-changing events. It matters not one iota if they have some cool, friendly relationship with their dad's current girlfriend. If and when you and their father want to really be a part of their family together, then it will matter. I doubt you know what makes them really angry, because you seem to have so little comprehension about children and their needs and fears and wants. Perhaps you should find some books about parenting and learn more since you to want to have this man who is father to two children in your life right now.

[rosieisblue]

And...........they have every right to be. You do not get to decide the relationship between him and them or you and them. It will last as long as it last. Deal or leave. Those are the only two options that it appears you have.

 

But how do I make it better if they refuse to spend any time with me? And how do I make it better for him? It upsets him a lot, although he says he'll deal with it. I think she tries to turn them against me, although she tells him and the kids say that she only says that they should be nice to me.

[2sunny]

It started out badly - and you can't change that.

 

What YOU want may never be accomplished.

 

Yes, expect to spend holidays on your own for at least 10 years if you stay with him.

 

He's trying to redeem himself to his kids. He's trying to repair the image of him they have... Which may never be repaired... Based on HIS history - and now YOU are attached to all that because of how YOU participated.

 

Accept it... Best way... Or leave him = better way!

[woinlove]

I guess I feel like that the way things happened make it so difficult to make things work for us.

 

I know his wife asked to meet with me but I felt like it was manipulation and he was VERY against it. He does not want us to meet because he thinks she'll give me a hard time and wants to avoid that.

 

also, I dont' see any reason to meet her. Why? What can she tell me about the kids that MM can't tell me? I am not going to be friends with her and we will have nothing to do with each other's lives.

 

I know i'm young and I didn't mean to fall in love with an older guy with kids but I did and now I need to know how to figure this out. I can see letting them alone for now but what about Christmas? Do I have to spend it with my family and he spends it with his kids? What about other events and holidays? When do we become a couple that can do what any other couple does?

 

Also, his wife is very close to his family, particularly his sisters and sees them a lot. I've met them once or twice and their nice to me but I wonder if this is going to work on that level as well. Their all nice to me but I feel like an outsider and I'd rather not spend time with them.

 

And most of the friends have been kept by the wife. MM has a couple of friends from before he met his wife and their nice and all but we mainly hang out with each other, our work colleagues or my friends. I did meat one friend that is close to the wife and he was nice to me but she got angry about it and I haven't seen that guy since. he's one of the wife's closest friends but is also close to MM.

 

It's just much more complicated than you can believe and I want it to be calm and nice for everyone. I don't want to be hated for falling in love and for making a man who was unhappy happy again.

 

The more you write, the more important I think it is for you to learn about parenting, because MM sounds like a pretty poor parent. He wants you to spend time with his children but doesn't want you to meet their mother? Parents who are happy to have their children spend significant time with an adult they have never met make me feel sorry for their children. At least the mother is astute enough to have these children in counselling. I think if you learn more about children and what they need from parents, it could help you deal with this entire situation better.

[rosieisblue]

I see a lot of red flags in your response. A family of your own? Do you think you two will have the kind of relationship that divides up your family into his and hers, you parent those, I'll parent these?

 

As to you wishing they knew their father was a serial cheater because then they would understand - there is a good chance they would lose respect for their father if they knew. Serial cheating says something about the character of their father. I don't think it is good that he refused counselling, but let's hope he will somehow manage to change anyway. You have the impression that cheating is all a matter of the state of the M, whereas it is much more a matter of the state of the person who chooses to cheat. Often the same marriage can have one spouse cheating and the other one not. That is because M involves two distinct people, each who make their own choices about how they want to behave and how they want to treat others.

 

Just from what you have written, I have little respect for MM, not just because of his serial cheating, but also how he treated his youngest child with you, and also how he refused to participate in the family counselling. Sounds to me that the positive R he can still have with his children must have a lot to do with their mother, who has not only be insisting that he remain an active father with them, but even encouraging you to get ready for a step-parenting role if you two remain together.

 

I don't see him as a serial cheater. He was unhappy for a long time and was looking for a way out. He had a couple of affairs, one kind of long, the rest were flings or emotional flirtations, just banter. His wife paints it like he screwed every woman he ever met.

 

He never found the right one until he met me and then he knew it was the right one. We were taking it very slowly but were in love and had a hard time keeping things under wraps. He made some big mistakes, texting a lot with her around, trying to call me, stuff like that. And then she found all the emals and pictures and it got blown up.

 

I wish she hadn't found out because then we would have been able to do this carefully and ended things with our partners in a way where they wouldn't have gotten so hurt and the kids wouldn't have been hurt and it wouldn't have been so ugly.

 

I also wish she had stayed calm when she found out but she went crazy.

 

It's nice that she has more or less left me alone and is trying to make it nice with the kids but I don't trust that her motives are anything other than to stir up trouble. I really do't think she's doing it to make things nice with the kids. i think she's doing it to keep control.

[rosieisblue]

Re the bolded, what you write about is such a tiny, insignificant thing in their lives which right now involve such huge, major life-changing events. It matters not one iota if they have some cool, friendly relationship with their dad's current girlfriend. If and when you and their father want to really be a part of their family together, then it will matter. I doubt you know what makes them really angry, because you seem to have so little comprehension about children and their needs and fears and wants. Perhaps you should find some books about parenting and learn more since you to want to have this man who is father to two children in your life right now.

 

They're angry because their dad left their mom for another woman. They're angry because their family is broken up. they're angry because they are moving. I understand all that but won't they don't udnerstand is that none of this happened because of me. If it hadn't been me it would have been someone else because he was really unhappy in his marriage!

[2sunny]

Your choices have made things the way they are now.

 

Your choices represent your character - or lack of. His too... Multiple affairs = expect him to cheat on you too. You have no immunity to him and HIS history - it tellsYOU what you can expect of him.

[rosieisblue]

It started out badly - and you can't change that.

 

What YOU want may never be accomplished.

 

Yes, expect to spend holidays on your own for at least 10 years if you stay with him.

 

He's trying to redeem himself to his kids. He's trying to repair the image of him they have... Which may never be repaired... Based on HIS history - and now YOU are attached to all that because of how YOU participated.

 

Accept it... Best way... Or leave him = better way!

 

I cannot see ten years of spending holidays alone. I can see maybe this year but after that I can't imagine that things won't settle down. And why would leaving someone I love be the better way? He needs me. He told me, when I tried to break up with him at one point, that if he doesn't have me he has nothing left. He gave up a lot for me and I love him so much.

[rosieisblue]

Your choices have made things the way they are now.

 

Your choices represent your character - or lack of. His too... Multiple affairs = expect him to cheat on you too. You have no immunity to him and HIS history - it tellsYOU what you can expect of him.

 

He won't cheat on me and if he does I'll leave him right away. But we've talked about this and he has explained why he cheated: his wife was not there for him, she was not affectionate or loving. He would come home and she would barely hug him or pay attention to him. She pushed him away. Everyone needs love and I'm giving it to him so he has no reason to cheat.

[2sunny]

He won't cheat on me and if he does I'll leave him right away. But we've talked about this and he has explained why he cheated: his wife was not there for him, she was not affectionate or loving. He would come home and she would barely hug him or pay attention to him. She pushed him away. Everyone needs love and I'm giving it to him so he has no reason to cheat.

 

He could have divorced her first - then - BEFORE cheating... But he didn't!

 

And he waited for her to find out - MORE HARM!

 

He is a man that HURTS people he loves - know that for sure - so he WILLhurt you too!

 

Stop thinking you have immunity to his harm to others! You don't!

[rosieisblue]

Your choices have made things the way they are now.

 

Your choices represent your character - or lack of. His too... Multiple affairs = expect him to cheat on you too. You have no immunity to him and HIS history - it tellsYOU what you can expect of him.

 

Also, my character and his are good. We tried to slow things down, to do things carefully and to make sure that people weren't hurt badly but when she found out that all went wrong.

 

I know it wasn't the right thing to fall in love with a MM but we did fall in love. What are we supposed to do? I was unhappy with my partner, he was unhappy with his wife, we found each other over work and fell in love before we knew what was happening. This doesn't make us bad people, just people with feelings.

[rosieisblue]

The more you write, the more important I think it is for you to learn about parenting, because MM sounds like a pretty poor parent. He wants you to spend time with his children but doesn't want you to meet their mother? Parents who are happy to have their children spend significant time with an adult they have never met make me feel sorry for their children. At least the mother is astute enough to have these children in counselling. I think if you learn more about children and what they need from parents, it could help you deal with this entire situation better.

 

He's a great dad. He loves his kids so much and this whole thing upsets him so much. He never wanted to see them hurt and he hates being put into this position where they want him to choose between his love for me and his love for them. He will never stop having them in his life but doesn't he deserve to be happy as well?

[rosieisblue]

Rosie, let go of the notion that you are the missing piece of your mm's happiness. His unhappiness was not his wife's fault, nor are you the source of it now That unhappiness within himself still lurks and it will come out again unless he addresses it.

 

Generally he's a very happy guy. The only time he's unhappy is when he has fights with his wife or the kids. Otherwise he's fun and charming and we have a great time together.

 

And I'm not immature. I know he's older and has baggage but I do think that he was looking for someone to complete him in a way his wife didn't. They grew apart over the years, she became depressed, the whole marriage just ran out of steam and it's no one's fault when that happens, it just does in long marriages. They also got married young and he didn't have a chance to date all that much. His whole adult life was with her, more or less, and he never knew anything different and I think that as they grew up they changed into different people and wanted different things.

 

He even says they got along in many areas and were great friends and a team in a lot of ways but the spark, the connection, that stuff disappeared and he needs that in his life. He needs to feel passion and love, not just companionship.

 

But stepmom is not what is going to happen in the sense of me making sure they get to bed on time or any of that. He's their father and he will do that stuff. I will be there to support him in this but he's the main one and I plan on only being there as support.

[rosieisblue]

He could have divorced her first - then - BEFORE cheating... But he didn't!

 

And he waited for her to find out - MORE HARM!

 

He is a man that HURTS people he loves - know that for sure - so he WILLhurt you too!

 

Stop thinking you have immunity to his harm to others! You don't!

 

 

They had moved around a lot and the whole point was that he DIDN'T want to hurt her. He felt so awful about it for a long time, and really guilty until she started being horrible and angry and really awful to him.

 

He won't hurt me. He loves me and treats me like a princess. All he wants is for us to have fun and be happy. We travel together, we cook together, we meet friends together, it's all really good with us. We don't fight, we talk things through. Once in awhile the situation with the kids gets to me and I freak out a bit but then he calms me down and assures me it will all work out.