He's on vacation with his kids

[Furious]

Cheating is not related to being unhappy. Cheating is related to lack of character. All cheaters say they are unhappy at home. This man will cheat on you in the near future. The guy is a cheater and that is what cheaters do.

 

It is now your job to make him happy as every other woman in his past has failed to do so. This is very manipulative behavior on his part, by putting the onus of his happiness onto you, he can then be unaccountable if your relationship fails.

 

He has groomed you, and your drank the cool-aid.

[truthbetold]

Wow Rosie, How horribly sad for you. I can't believe you actually wrote "if it wasn't you it would be SOMEONE" :( That's just so so sad for you that you don't feel special. I hope you realize the gravity of those words. Oh and you can try to say "but now...." Nope, you said it, there were others and if not you SOMEONE.

 

In that case Rosie, since the kids despise you (and no, they don't "have" to like you in the future just bc you think they should) and since you're not so special (in your own words, you were "someone") I think your MM is going to get tired of the constant wearing down with the kids and will replace you. BC quite often in these situations it's not the fact that since the wife kicked him out and the kids won't adjust to their parents not being together anymore they may adjust to that. But it's very possibly that it's YOU they won't adjust to and never will. So dad will take the easy way out and find "SOMEONE" that he doesn't have all this messy unhappy history with. That's so common with these type of MM I guess you'll have to see it for yourself.

 

I realize you're ignoring everyone's well intended advice, but at least consider it's a strong possiblity. So you're not completely blindsided. Sticking your head in the sand isn't helping you to get a fairytale ending, it's just prolonging the inevitable.

Edited July 6, 2012 by truthbetold

[dreamingoftigers]

Jeez, I even look at my grandfather's mistress cross-eyed, and they've been together since the 70s.

 

My mom was really affected by her dad running away with this golddigging woman.

 

My grandmother never had another relationship again.

 

She raised me for seven years, I could still see the effects of my grandfather's leaving on her.

 

She's much much happier now but single at 88.

 

My grandfather left for a 20-something and became involved in drug rings in Florida. Before that he was a VP for a major Oil company we have all heard of. He has loads of money. I don't respect him at all. The grandchildren periodically use him for it. Other than that, his mistress is about the only one who can truly stand him (I guess my aunt too, she's a cheater).

 

I just think when I have seen his shrieking, alcoholic mistress: "why couldn't you just get your own guy, and why are you being friendly to me?" I am my grandmother's granddaughter.

 

I know it may sound immature. I don't really care. I don't want to get to know her better as a person. That would be incredibly disrespectful to my grandmother who at 88 is still an amazing woman who has gotten national recognition for her volunteering and community service efforts.

 

I am glad she turfed him. He might've been a smart and wealthy man, but husband-wise and family-wise in general, he's still an idiot.

[ac11442]

My xH left me for his gf. He moved out of my house and into her house. Our kids were 12 and 5 at the time. He knew he couldn't let the kids know about her immediately so he made excuses about why they couldn't come to his new apartment, why he only saw them for a couple of hours every other weekend. And the one time they did stay at his apartment he spent literally 4 hours on the phone with her then left to 'run an errand' and was gone for 3 hours. He had 2 toothbrushes at his place. Female deodorant, nail polish, 2 kinds of toothpaste and shampoo. My 12 year old isn't stupid. He knew what was going on. And hated her AND his dad.

 

After several months of this he finally owned up to being with her, lied and said they were just roommates, but started seeing the kids on a regular basis. They hated it. They hated going. They hated that their Dad cheated on me, that this woman was constantly around so they had no time with just Dad. It was awful.

 

It's been almost 5 years since he left. My son is now almost 17 and he hasn't been to his Dad's house in 2 years. He only see's him when he comes to get my daughter, who is now 10. Now that she's 10 she has decided the gf isn't that great and is EXTREMELY happy when she isn't there when she visits.

 

I don't say negative things about her. I really don't. My parents were divorced when I was 3 and were horrible to each other. I didn't want that. I was nice, even when I didn't want to be. And they still don't like her. Do you think it helps that your MM is telling his kids that their Mom didn't make him happy? Yeah, no. It doesn't. To them it just makes him more of an ass.

 

I've also been the OW. That was something that came up often. The first time his kids (ages 17 and 19) found out about me the 17 yo fb messaged me and called me horrible names, said I should kill my kids and myself and he hoped I rotted in hell. Very nice for a devout religious raised child. Do you think there'd be a snowballs chance in hell we could ever, and I mean EVER have christmas together? I'm thinking no.

 

You're being selfish thinking you need to be involved with his kids. Many people have told you this over and over and you just keep saying, "but my situation is different". Honey, we all thought that. We ALL thought we'd be the exception to the rule. We ALL thought he really loved us and we'd live happily ever after and he'd NEVER cheat on us. Get a grip. Face facts. I'm not saying you won't make it. I'm just saying you need to grow up, see the reality of the situation, and understand that being with this man that you make sooooo happy, means you will (most likely) never be a welcome part of his kids lives.

 

And I'm sure you're thinking that my ex is still with his gf that he left me for. See, sometimes it works. That's not picnic either. He has ruined his relationship with his son over this woman and is slowly but surely losing his daughter as well. His family refuses to have her at their home. It's not easy and it's getting worse as time goes on and he realizes the totality of his decision.

 

So know that this is what you signed up for. STOP DEFENDING HIM! Read the rest of the posts on here. How many of the stories sound remarkably like yours? I know...he's different.

[dreamingoftigers]

Jeez my Dad's OW was a pill.

 

Can't imagine hanging with her on the weekends.

[MissBee]

ac11442 I agree with you and Got It.

 

I think Rosie needs to really be realistic and read you guys' post and some books or articles on the issue, as it seems she is pushing for magical, quick and romanticized solutions and is getting more and more frustrated as what she wants to happen isn't happening.

 

ac11442 your post about your kids and them going over to your exH's reminds me of my ex and I. I was the gf,we did not have an A and didn't live together, but I would stay over sometimes. I was his regular gf about a year after his divorce from his son's mom and his son was 5 at the time. His son eventually liked me, but in the beginning he would constantly ask his dad (in front of me, as kids have no filter) why I was always around and he would act out when we went anywhere and he asked my ex one time how come mommy wasn't his gf anymore. That broke my heart . Obviously in his world he knew mom and dad were together, now they aren't, now dad lives somewhere else and is always with some other woman. It wasn't personal. It wasn't that I was some mean person. He could care less about divorce and the adult world of love and romance. I UNDERSTOOD this and constantly encouraged my ex to help his son through it. I think my ex introduced me to his son waaaaay too quickly and that would be a red flag to me in the future if a man did that. At the time, although I felt it was too quick, I was head over heels and ignored that feeling and felt like we would definitely marry and were serious since he had taken that step...we didn't and he has continued to bring every woman he's been dating around his son,even had one move in, whom he isn't with anymore

 

Long story short: even if it isn't an A, the kids and the new SO is an area parents need to tread lightly with. In an A scenario...it's even more tumultuous and no reasonable person, who has empathy or a basic understanding of kids should/would force the issue and throw a tantrum because things aren't going as they expected. You chose a certain situation and you have to deal with the parts of the package that are unpleasant. If hellbent on being with the man, then you must put your own impatience aside and get educated about the dynamic as wishing this or that would have happened won't make it so and pushing it will do more harm than good.

[MissBee]

I was a kid Rosie when I found out about my dad's ow. I hated her, I mean I hated her and saw her as the person who screwed up my dad and took him away from me and my family. And.........get this, I didn't have to be around her ever when I was a kid so I can imagine if she had been put in my face, I would have hated her more.

 

I'm many, many years past that now and I see my dad was the biggest problem not her, but the point is, when I hated her, it was looking through my child eyes. I was a kid and the blame was all on her because that is what kids do, they don't want to blame the person who they love. So accept it Rosie, these kids aren't going to like you or tolerate you for a long, long time, if ever. The only hope you have is be mature and let your mm deal with them and spend time with them and be supportive of that but you need to stay away and give them some time adjust to the new dynamics. Encourage him to take them to therapy and maybe a year or 2 from now he can introduce you. At least try to not do any more damage than has already be done to those kids. Look outside of yourself.

 

Great post!

 

I completely agree.

 

Even as an adult, if my dad somehow married one of his OW, I most certainly wouldn't attend the wedding or act like a family with her. I really wouldn't. I'm no longer a child but it still would leave a bad taste in my mouth, no matter how nice she is. Even though my dad is the problem, I just couldn't in good faith support the situation. Even thinking about it upsets me. My sister and I have had this talk and even a couple friends of mine, and it was pretty unanimous that none of us would be thrilled and be friends with the OW turned gf/wife.

 

She would be someone who exists, who we would tolerate to a minimal degree, if necessary, as since I'm not a child and don't need to go stay with my dad, I'd have even less reason to interact with the OW and notice, most people still consider their dad/grandpas OW turned gf or wife as the OW, even though it is out in the open now and has been years later. Sometimes that label and position stays forever in the mind of the family/kids. For those who were lucky and they were embraced and it didn't, that is truly a blessing for them, but for others, the beginning of the relationship as an A, if found out, never becomes acceptable and the family and kids never treat the person as fully someone they like and respect. It's just the nature of the beast.

[rosieisblue]

So everyone is suggesting that I either stay away from the kids or end it with him completely?

 

I can understand the kids but why end it? This is a forum for OW/OM. Why is my story any different? We are all with cheaters, right? So what makes some of you think that mine is not a good thing when yours might well be ok?

 

I think I'll stay away from the kids for awhile but I love this man and he loves me and I know that I make him very, very happy...and I don't see anything wrong with making someone happy. Hopefully the kids will settle down in time.

[skywriter]

We all have to learn our lessons in life through our own experiences.

[woinlove]

So everyone is suggesting that I either stay away from the kids or end it with him completely?

 

I can understand the kids but why end it? This is a forum for OW/OM. Why is my story any different? We are all with cheaters, right? So what makes some of you think that mine is not a good thing when yours might well be ok?

 

I think I'll stay away from the kids for awhile but I love this man and he loves me and I know that I make him very, very happy...and I don't see anything wrong with making someone happy. Hopefully the kids will settle down in time.

 

I don't see many (any?) saying end it completely. A couple said they would run, which is different. I would run too, but that's me, not you. You have said you both cheated, you understand he cheated because his wife wasn't keeping him happy, when he had overlapping OW, you also had your bf and him, etc. I think most are just saying to make sure you fully understand the implications of all this, because you won't be able to keep him happy all the time indefinitely.

[Got it]

So everyone is suggesting that I either stay away from the kids or end it with him completely?

 

I can understand the kids but why end it? This is a forum for OW/OM. Why is my story any different? We are all with cheaters, right? So what makes some of you think that mine is not a good thing when yours might well be ok?

 

I think I'll stay away from the kids for awhile but I love this man and he loves me and I know that I make him very, very happy...and I don't see anything wrong with making someone happy. Hopefully the kids will settle down in time.

 

Rosie - I am not saying either.I am saying slow down! Take a breath! Be patient. Don't end it but understand all the individuals involved and where they stand/feel. Yes right now stay away from the kids. Even if it wasn't as an EMR but just a new girlfriend during separation it is hard on the kids. Their world has completely changed and they are adjusting to it. This is a great opportunity for both parents to continue forging their independent relationships with the kids outside of being the parental couple. That can actually be a silver lining (I know our relationship with our father grew a great deal after my parents divorced as we became more involved with him one on one). But that is where the focus needs to be right now.

 

Yes it is hard to keep things separate but there are also silver linings. Enjoy your independence and time away. Neither parent really needs to introduce SO to their kids before divorce anyway.

 

What we have tried to follow is we would never regret going too slow. But there can be a lot to clean up if you go too fast.

 

You can't control this piece and you just have to allow people to move at their own pace. Look at the big picture, look at how you ultimately want things to be, and work back from there. His relationship with his kids is paramount. Let him continue forging that relationship and then it will be easier down the road.

[Summer Breeze]

Rosie there is something you need to address with your BF. He should not allow the kids to send you texts and messages that are horrible. Let them vent and get it out of their system all they want when they're with him but he needs to set that boundary and fast. I agree it's going to be years before you have any sort of R with them but there are some things he needs to do to show some solidarity with you.

 

One point I want to throw your way. So many BS deflect the vast majority of blame to the OW/OM. The reason is because it's too much for anyone to take that the one person who was to always take care of them has betrayed them this way. If an adult can't comprehend it, how on earth can a child? As someone said the world revolves around them and in their eyes it could not possibly be dad. Enter the bad guy---Rosie.

 

You're on a road of literally millions and millions of tiny little baby steps. You're going to get knocked back and back, make one step forward, then get knocked back and back again.

 

You may not feel like you can be a stepmother but you do need to figure out you are the responsible adult in the R with the kids. Keep in mind the kids will get busier with their own lives and they will settle in some. Your time with your BF will change and increase but you will have this situation to deal with for a very long time.

 

Don't let him go. If you love him then you be the adult with the kids. You be the adult with him. Support him and never put yourself in competition for his time with the kids. If you know when he's going on holiday with them you go and do something for yourself. Make plans and let him know you'll miss him and are trying to fill your time but tell him to have a great time and you'll be looking forward to him getting home. Put a note in his suitcase and make sure to tell them ALL to have a good time. They'll roll their eyes and such but you need to make all of those millions and millions of steps.

[Owl]

I'm one who says "end it".

 

And I'll tell you...my advice actually has very little to do with the kids.

 

Here's the thing, Rosie. You're not the solution to his "problems"...you're a continuation of the symptoms.

 

You're convinced that "your relationship with him is DIFFERENT". It's nothing like the relationship he had with her...or with all those other women.

 

If I had a dime for everytime that's been said on this forum, I could retire.

 

I'm not attacking you...nor even him. I'm (most likely in vain) trying to point out to you what you're refusing to see on your own.

 

The situation you're in...is very, very unlikely to result in a happy resolution for everyone involved.

 

So...I suggest you rethink your game plan.

 

I do wish you the best.

[rosieisblue]

I did tell him to have a good time on his trip and when we text at night he tells me all about what they're doing, etc. I think his wife is in touch with the kids a a bit and has sent him a couple of nasty texts because she found out something new about his affairs or something. I think people are telling her things and she gets upset.

 

He told his kids to stop mailing and texting me and they haven't done in it weeks, partly because I've blocked them on everything and partly because I think they got sick of it. But they're clear they won't meet me.

 

I'm not sure how much his wife blames me. I think she did at first but then when she found out about the other affairs she pretty much sees me as just another one, which isn't the case but I think it makes her feel better and that it's about him, not her or their unhappy relationship.

 

I do think my situation is different. We didn't have sex right away, it was emotional and very intense. His other affairs were physical or just flirtation. He truly fell in love with me and was relieved when she threw him out, even though it was extremely difficult to sort him life out that quickly. He was patient and waited for me to end things with my boyfriend and didn't pressure me.

 

I see in continuing to be happy as long as I take the advice here and don't rush things, especially with the kids. He and I see each other at work every day, all day and on the nights he isn't with his kids we are together. And we are very happy and relaxed and have fun. Even when he's with his kids we're in contact a lot through text or other electronic communication. It's a very close, intense relationship. He hasn't seen him wife in months, other than in passing at mutual events. He has no interest in her other than sorting out the divorce. He says he's been waiting to do this for years and is so relieved he's finally out of the marriage.

 

I'm taking it slow and I haven't pushed about the kids. It's more been him wanting to make that happen. He wants to integrate everything and keep things on a good level. He wants the kids to see that I'm not a monster, just a girl who fell in love. But maybe it's time to wait a bit.

[dreamingoftigers]

The history lesson about your relationship doesn't change his nature.

 

And when it happens you will "have known the whole time" what he was really like.

 

At the very least he has one Hell of a roving eye. Lame.

 

Leave him. Don't. Doesn't matter to me, just pointing out the distinctly obvious.

 

Who knows, maybe you have high enough quality t&a that he knows he might not get better, so he won't trade up, but IMHO most guys don't think like that. You might be his favorite dish, but sex and conquest will still be a buffet to him.

[rosieisblue]

Ha! ACtually, I have a very boyish figure, very athletic. His wife was the one with the big boobs and ass. He loves that I am really into fitness and that I'm tiny and fit. His wife is really curvy, a bit overweight, just the complete opposite of me physically. He loves that I am not all big slopppy boobs and bum and no wobbly stomach.

 

And I think he 's done with the 'eating from the buffet'. He was doing that due to his unhappiness and now that he's happy and content he has no reason to do that. I don't see that after 13 years of their 20 years he was unhappy and wanted to find some passion and happiness in his life. Don't we all want and deserve that? he knows it was wrong to cheat but he was just miserable for so long. He says he didn't really feel in love since the kids came along. That 's a long time to be unhappy.

Edited July 6, 2012 by rosieisblue

[rosieisblue]

I just don't see that. Plus, his wife has made it clear that she'd rather he stuck with me than see a parade of women through her kid's lives.

[alexandria35]

A long term wife with a perfect figure at home (THE OLD) is not as attractive as the next door slightly overweight curvy neighbor (THE NEW).

 

This is so true. It's amazing how many times I've seen guys cheating with woman who are less attractive then their wives/partners. Also attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder and for many variety is the spice they seek. I'm sure the OPs MM had many a night of hot sex with his wife and her big boobs and curvy behind. At some point he will remember those nights fondly and may start to feel attracted to women who remind him of her.

 

Rosie I don't think there is any getting through to you as long as you believe that your MM's cheating had nothing to do with him and everything to do with his wife, which you seem to believe with every fibre of your being. It's like your in some sort of MM cult...lol. I'm posting a link for you below. It encompasses many different manipulator types and I'm sure not every bit of it applies to your MM so please don't skim over it and pick out the bits that are nothing like him, instead pay attention to the parts do resemble him, his past and his relationship with you now. It's an easy read so please do take a look.

 

You Think That You Are So Special... Heartless Bitches International

[Stellar Wench]

Ha! ACtually, I have a very boyish figure, very athletic. His wife was the one with the big boobs and ass. He loves that I am really into fitness and that I'm tiny and fit. His wife is really curvy, a bit overweight, just the complete opposite of me physically. He loves that I am not all big slopppy boobs and bum and no wobbly stomach.

 

And I think he 's done with the 'eating from the buffet'. He was doing that due to his unhappiness and now that he's happy and content he has no reason to do that. I don't see that after 13 years of their 20 years he was unhappy and wanted to find some passion and happiness in his life. Don't we all want and deserve that? he knows it was wrong to cheat but he was just miserable for so long. He says he didn't really feel in love since the kids came along. That 's a long time to be unhappy.

Ugh. It's got to be perfectly exhausting trying to keep things hot so that his eye doesn't wander.

 

Good on you for taking on that task. Not many others would find it appealing.

[skywriter]

You are so much younger than him. It may be that you outgrow him eventually.

 

When you are his age, what he's 41? He will be 57?

 

Even better still check LS out in an year and give an update.

[MollyBrown]

Rosie, I am a wife who has worked out hard 6-7 days per week almost all of my adult life. I was a little smug about thinking that my husband wouldn't stray because I never let myself go. I mean, my goodness! I can still fit into my high school cheerleading uniform. Guess what? The women he chose to cheat with were all over weight. It happens and when you've been so sure of yourself all your life, it really feels like the rug has been pulled out from under you. Pretty painful lesson. My advice is to not rely on your physique so much. When a man cheats it's not always about that.

[MissBee]

You are so much younger than him. It may be that you outgrow him eventually.

 

When you are his age, what he's 41? He will be 57?

 

Even better still check LS out in an year and give an update.

 

That's what I say....at the 3 year mark I'd like for rosie to come back.

 

IMO this whole thing seems like a disaster on wheels, but of course that is just MY opinion and can only be proven or disproved after the fact. If I'm wrong, then good for rosie, but for now I'm sticking to what I see.

[rosieisblue]

This is so true. It's amazing how many times I've seen guys cheating with woman who are less attractive then their wives/partners. Also attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder and for many variety is the spice they seek. I'm sure the OPs MM had many a night of hot sex with his wife and her big boobs and curvy behind. At some point he will remember those nights fondly and may start to feel attracted to women who remind him of her.

 

Rosie I don't think there is any getting through to you as long as you believe that your MM's cheating had nothing to do with him and everything to do with his wife, which you seem to believe with every fibre of your being. It's like your in some sort of MM cult...lol. I'm posting a link for you below. It encompasses many different manipulator types and I'm sure not every bit of it applies to your MM so please don't skim over it and pick out the bits that are nothing like him, instead pay attention to the parts do resemble him, his past and his relationship with you now. It's an easy read so please do take a look.

 

You Think That You Are So Special... Heartless Bitches International

 

I jsut read a lot of that site. I feel sick. I'm glad he's away until next week. I need to think.

[rosieisblue]

You are so much younger than him. It may be that you outgrow him eventually.

 

When you are his age, what he's 41? He will be 57?

 

Even better still check LS out in an year and give an update.

 

What's LS? And yes, there is a 15 year age difference but it hasn't bothered us. But now I don't know what to think after reading that link. I wish I had someone to talk aobut to this IRL. But it's been so public, the split with his wife, my split with my boyfriend. His wife outed us to everyone so it's VERY public and it's hard to talk about any problems.

[MissBee]

What's LS? And yes, there is a 15 year age difference but it hasn't bothered us. But now I don't know what to think after reading that link. I wish I had someone to talk aobut to this IRL. But it's been so public, the split with his wife, my split with my boyfriend. His wife outed us to everyone so it's VERY public and it's hard to talk about any problems.

 

Does your family now about him? How does your own family and your friends feel about it? You don't have any close friends in real life whom you've confided in?