He's on vacation with his kids

[rosieisblue]

Your mm couldn't handle not having as much attention focused on him after the kids came along. It's a theme that is in all your threads. Again........you better not have kids with him Rosie. You won't like how his wife's shoes will feel on your feet.

 

He admits he's needy and likes a lot of attention. ****, **** ****. I am starting to freak out.

 

 

The above, You just keep entertaining us with your need to best her and now you are comparing your figure and hers. Come on rosie, do you really think that because you think you have the hot young bod and she has a normal 30 something that has had 2 children body make you better than her?

 

She's actually older than him, in her mid-40's. Hasn't held up very well, at least from what I can see in pictures. She's...matronly and they don't match physically anymore.

[rosieisblue]

Does your family now about him? How does your own family and your friends feel about it? You don't have any close friends in real life whom you've confided in?

 

I didn't tell anyone for the first few months other than a close friend. Then she exposed to everyone she could think, including my mother, who was not very happy because my father left her for another woman when I was a teenager. They haven't spoken since and that helps me understand the kids a bit, although I sort of get along with my stepparents now, even though it took a year or two.

 

But we've met people in each other's lives. It's a little awkward but his parents support him in whatever he decides to do. It's also awkard because she's close to his sisters and sees them still.

[reboot]

What's LS?

 

LS = LoveShack = this site

[MissBee]

I didn't tell anyone for the first few months other than a close friend. Then she exposed to everyone she could think, including my mother, who was not very happy because my father left her for another woman when I was a teenager. They haven't spoken since and that helps me understand the kids a bit, although I sort of get along with my stepparents now, even though it took a year or two.

 

But we've met people in each other's lives. It's a little awkward but his parents support him in whatever he decides to do. It's also awkard because she's close to his sisters and sees them still.

 

That's interesting, yet not surprising, as kids of infidelity don't go unscathed.

 

So are you saying none of your friends or family support you or are there people who do?

 

What do you mean you've met people in each other's lives? That's pretty vague...what kind of people? You've met his parents? or just his friends? Or have you met his sister too?

[whichwayisup]

So everyone is suggesting that I either stay away from the kids or end it with him completely?

 

I can understand the kids but why end it? This is a forum for OW/OM. Why is my story any different? We are all with cheaters, right? So what makes some of you think that mine is not a good thing when yours might well be ok?

 

I think I'll stay away from the kids for awhile but I love this man and he loves me and I know that I make him very, very happy...and I don't see anything wrong with making someone happy. Hopefully the kids will settle down in time.

 

You CANNOT force those kids to accept you. It has to be on THEIR terms, and when they feel ready to get to know you.

When you say, you'll stay away from his kids for 'a while' how long is 'a while' in your eyes? Weeks? A month?

 

Your MM needs counselling for so many reasons. His dynamic and pattern IS CHEATING. His communication skills suck. Instead of talking and sorting stuff out he runs and cheats.. Therapy can teach him how to stop doing that and learn how to compromise, communicate and really listen. Otherwise, he will just repeat the pattern he's comfortable with - Cheating and ignoring issues going on around him. I hope you see this? THAT is who he has been for so long.

[whichwayisup]

He admits he's needy and likes a lot of attention. ****, **** ****. I am starting to freak out.

She's actually older than him, in her mid-40's. Hasn't held up very well, at least from what I can see in pictures. She's...matronly and they don't match physically anymore.

 

LS - Loveshack..the site you are currently posting on.

 

Stop putting down his wife. Does it make you feel better about yourself to do comparisons? HIS WIFE had children with him, so after you have 2 or 3 kids, lets see how your body turns out and how you look when you're in your 40's. Lay off of her.

 

Bolded part. You should keep your eyes open. People do not change unless they want to. It takes CONITINUOUS effort to change behaviours, old patterns and lifestyle. His pattern is to cheat when things don't go his way or if he feels like he isn't getting enough attention. He chooses to cheat and look elsewhere instead of communicating his needs. Be ready for him to do that to you (if he doesn't change his ways and get therapy) one day when you gain weight, aren't there for him 24/7, not meeting every single one of his needs.

[Radagast]

Rosie I am sorry you are facing such issues with his kids. I suspect this is due to the "D-day scenario". My kids were younger teens when I spoke to them about my affair, telling them I'd met and fallen in love with someone else, and that I was considering leaving their mother. I organised individual counselling for them and family counselling for us (their mother refused to participate) to discuss the proposed split, and as a result they were OK about the process, supportive of my choices and keen to meet my love. They exchanged texts with her but only met her once we'd moved out and left their mother, and they got on well with her. Still do. I suspect that the way you entered their lives, through a "D-day" and all the trauma associated with that, is the reason they feel traumatised and are responding to you in this way.

 

I agree that your boyfriend should not allow them to treat you with disrespect. He cannot force them to like you anymore than you can, but he can certainly not tolerate disrespectful behaviour. Family counselling can provide them with a safe space to work through any anger or resentment and they should be told to leave that kind of behaviour there.

[dreamingoftigers]

Rosie, I am a wife who has worked out hard 6-7 days per week almost all of my adult life. I was a little smug about thinking that my husband wouldn't stray because I never let myself go. I mean, my goodness! I can still fit into my high school cheerleading uniform. Guess what? The women he chose to cheat with were all over weight. It happens and when you've been so sure of yourself all your life, it really feels like the rug has been pulled out from under you. Pretty painful lesson. My advice is to not rely on your physique so much. When a man cheats it's not always about that.

 

It RARELY is.

[dreamingoftigers]

Ha! ACtually, I have a very boyish figure, very athletic. His wife was the one with the big boobs and ass. He loves that I am really into fitness and that I'm tiny and fit. His wife is really curvy, a bit overweight, just the complete opposite of me physically. He loves that I am not all big slopppy boobs and bum and no wobbly stomach.

 

And I think he 's done with the 'eating from the buffet'. He was doing that due to his unhappiness and now that he's happy and content he has no reason to do that. I don't see that after 13 years of their 20 years he was unhappy and wanted to find some passion and happiness in his life. Don't we all want and deserve that? he knows it was wrong to cheat but he was just miserable for so long. He says he didn't really feel in love since the kids came along. That 's a long time to be unhappy.

 

Ha! No one said the quality t & a meant that you had to take up an extra seat on the bus to sit down! Quality t & a would clearly be in the eye of the beholder, for the most part. Perhaps you have such great quality and he is so shallow that he will fear losing the t & a whether they are shaped like melons, lemons, mangos or grapes. It might be a possibility.

 

So basically you are saying:

 

If my partner is unhappy, it is okay to cheat as long as he feels bad about it. This is because if he is unhappy it must have been my fault or we are no longer physically compatible because I gained some weight and my boobs got floppy.

 

Oooh, sign me up! I hear he has a waiting list.

[rosieisblue]

That's interesting, yet not surprising, as kids of infidelity don't go unscathed.

 

So are you saying none of your friends or family support you or are there people who do?

 

What do you mean you've met people in each other's lives? That's pretty vague...what kind of people? You've met his parents? or just his friends? Or have you met his sister too?

 

I've met his parents twice, his mother one other time. He's met my mother. I've met a couple of his friends quite a few times (they're the ones he hangs out with the most), one friend that is freinds with both of them once, he's met a few of my friends. We don't hang out with friends a huge amount because he is with his kids and then when he's with me it's the only time we have alone. We work together and sometimes go for drinks with colleagues after work.

 

As far as my father cheating it was not a good time but he is happier now so I guess it worked out. It was hard for my mother so she is a little suspicious. I don't think anyone really judges us, they figure we're adults and know what we're doing.

[rosieisblue]

Ha! No one said the quality t & a meant that you had to take up an extra seat on the bus to sit down! Quality t & a would clearly be in the eye of the beholder, for the most part. Perhaps you have such great quality and he is so shallow that he will fear losing the t & a whether they are shaped like melons, lemons, mangos or grapes. It might be a possibility.

 

So basically you are saying:

 

If my partner is unhappy, it is okay to cheat as long as he feels bad about it. This is because if he is unhappy it must have been my fault or we are no longer physically compatible because I gained some weight and my boobs got floppy.

 

Oooh, sign me up! I hear he has a waiting list.

 

I'm saying that he was really unhappy for a long time and she doesn't work so he is completely responsible for paying her way. I have talked to him about this stuff and he admits he didn't handle it well, but now I'm just freaking out. He went to therapy with her for awhile after she threw him out but then she refused to go with him anymore so he stopped.

 

Maybe I'll talk to him about getting therapy.

[rosieisblue]

Rosie:

 

Attention seeking males tend to be unfaithful because they need external validation. Furthermore, they don't handle a wife within the same age range very well. You have your youth and I believe you will be able to keep him happy.

 

So give it a try. What do you have to lose? The wife already kicked him out and you have attained what 90% of other OWs cannot attain. So you are on your way.

 

Do you want kids of your own?

 

What is done is done.

 

Quick question: Why did you leave your BF for MM?

 

My bf and I broke up because of my affair with MM. His wife called my BF and told him about the affair after she found out, about some naked pictures I had sent MM and pretty much all she knew. We tried to work it out, went on a vacation we had planned, but the wife found out MM and I were texting the whole vacation and told my BF.

 

Eventually I realized that I wanted to be with MM, who was not going back to his wife and was waiting for me. My BF and I were together nearly 5 years and it was coming to an end anyway when I met MM. We were bored, my BF just wanted to stay at home and do things there and I wanted to travel and go out and have fun. And that's pretty much where MM was and is. He was sitting at home watching tv and they never did anything and he couldn't see living the rest of his life that way. And I couldn't either.

[MissBee]

So Rosie...don't you think you'll eventually be bored with MM too? You dated your boyfriend for 5 years and at the 5 year mark got bored....you've dated married man as an out couple for 7 months. At 7 months with your old bf did you ever think you'd be bored or cheat? That's what I meant when I said your relationship with him has no stability and it is way too soon to see if you'll be a permanent fixture or not and I want you to come back 3 years from now at least. The A was no doubt exciting, and now is all exciting....but you haven't had 5 years to really see.

 

Also, when MM is old and arthritic, in advance of you because of the age difference, ....do you think you will still be having a fun time still?

 

All relationships eventually wane...people have to put in work. But many people wrongly assume that when they feel bored or it's not as exciting that means the relationship is over. Your MM and you seem similar in that regard and unless you two change your ideas about how real relationships work...you all better just plan for fun and frolic and not try to marry and have kids, as that will no doubt add mundane aspects and other responsibilities that will lead one or both of you to cheating. You cheated for the SAME reasons your MM did, so in that way you too are alike.

[rosieisblue]

Rosie:

 

Don't worry. You are normal! Relationships get stale after a few years even if there are no children involved. It takes an enormous amount of work to keep the flame going once it starts to die down. In this regard your MM did better than you and stayed in that boring stage for a much longer period than you..

 

I suspect that when you settle down with MM and the boring stage arrives MM will have his hands full trying to keep you happy. You are much younger so you will always have the upper hand.

 

I don't know what to say about traveling. MM may have to spend a substantial part of his vacations with the kids.

 

You are a young women so you have nothing top lose.

 

Actually, we've travelled a lot since we got together. A few weekends and now we're going away in a couple of weeks. He loves to travel as well and it was hard with the kids and all. Now he has the time to travel and took them away for a week and then we have the big trip plus a couple of little things planned.

 

I am just not sure what to do. You're the only person who seems to say go for it. What do I do when the honeymoon phase wears off? I know it will, I've read about it, but while I think we can make it all the things people have said on here is scaring me.

[rosieisblue]

So Rosie...don't you think you'll eventually be bored with MM too? You dated your boyfriend for 5 years and at the 5 year mark got bored....you've dated married man as an out couple for 7 months. At 7 months with your old bf did you ever think you'd be bored or cheat? That's what I meant when I said your relationship with him has no stability and it is way too soon to see if you'll be a permanent fixture or not and I want you to come back 3 years from now at least. The A was no doubt exciting, and now is all exciting....but you haven't had 5 years to really see.

 

Also, when MM is old and arthritic, in advance of you because of the age difference, ....do you think you will still be having a fun time still?

 

All relationships eventually wane...people have to put in work. But many people wrongly assume that when they feel bored or it's not as exciting that means the relationship is over. Your MM and you seem similar in that regard and unless you two change your ideas about how real relationships work...you all better just plan for fun and frolic and not try to marry and have kids, as that will no doubt add mundane aspects and other responsibilities that will lead one or both of you to cheating. You cheated for the SAME reasons your MM did, so in that way you too are alike.

 

My relationship with my BF was great for 4 and a half years but the last six months were boring and he never wanted to do anything. I kept suggesting things but he just wanted to lay on the sofa after work. i wanted to do things. It was around this time I started my job and met MM and we got to know each other and he was bored and unhappy as well and wanted to do fun things. We wanted the same things and I don't know how that would change. We both realize that it takes more than just 'being' together to make it work. We have to make it fun for each other, exciting, and make sure we keep the spark.

 

Both of us lost the spark in our relatinoships and found it with each other. But you're all saying it will fade with him as well?

 

As far as him being older, he's not THAT much older. He's 14 years older than me, which isn't like he's my father's age or something. He takes care of himself, works out, doesn't drink as much as he used to (his wife was a big drinker) and generally is young looking and feeling. I know there will be a bit of a difference when he gets older but it's not going to be huge, I don't think.

 

I really need to do some thinking.

[MissBee]

Actually, we've travelled a lot since we got together. A few weekends and now we're going away in a couple of weeks. He loves to travel as well and it was hard with the kids and all. Now he has the time to travel and took them away for a week and then we have the big trip plus a couple of little things planned.

 

I am just not sure what to do. You're the only person who seems to say go for it. What do I do when the honeymoon phase wears off? I know it will, I've read about it, but while I think we can make it all the things people have said on here is scaring me.

 

Why do you think you can make it? I'm seriously asking and have used your relationship with your ex of 5 years as a comparison.

 

You got bored with him too.

 

So what is sooooo different about MM and you that you won't get bored when things wane, when he has to be a dad and do stuff with his kids, and also he is 15 years older...do you think as the years go on he will be able to keep up?

 

Rosie...every relationship starts off fun and carefree. That's why as I said, it's not really good to make permanent decisions while everything is glorious. You need time for the high to calm down and for some years to pass to really be able to look outside of traveling, fun and sex and realize if you have what it takes to last for the long haul. Frankly, none of what you've said sounds like anything that can last forever: fun, your tiny fit body, whatever else. None of those things last forever.

 

You're already with him...so all I'm saying is, keep your eyes open and realize that relationships will take WORK and that you and he if serious need to allow it time to grow and perhaps get coupes counseling. Don't simply act like you're better than his wife and you have fun now so of course you will make it forever...that's silly. I'm sure he married his wife because she was dun and they had a great time and other things in the beginning too...just like you dated your bf for 5 years for that reason...and you two still ended up bored and tired of your old partners and he cheated many times and you cheated with him. Consider those facts and how it has nothing to do with "the other person" but you guys and your response to boredom. A lot of people are sprinters and can run the quick and swift race of romance...but not a lot are long distance runners...who can stay with it and last after the 10th lap when the adrenaline isn't as high. But if you know how you are and how your partner is...by REALISTICALLY looking at your pattern and theirs, instead of simply saying "Whatever...we'll make it...despite evidence of our behavior in the past that shows the opposite"...you'll have a better chance of surviving, as you'll be actively working on your weaknesses instead of wishing them away, ignoring them or downplaying them in the now because of your current feelings that are often transient.

[MissBee]

My relationship with my BF was great for 4 and a half years but the last six months were boring and he never wanted to do anything. I kept suggesting things but he just wanted to lay on the sofa after work. i wanted to do things. It was around this time I started my job and met MM and we got to know each other and he was bored and unhappy as well and wanted to do fun things. We wanted the same things and I don't know how that would change. We both realize that it takes more than just 'being' together to make it work. We have to make it fun for each other, exciting, and make sure we keep the spark.

 

Both of us lost the spark in our relatinoships and found it with each other. But you're all saying it will fade with him as well?

 

As far as him being older, he's not THAT much older. He's 14 years older than me, which isn't like he's my father's age or something. He takes care of himself, works out, doesn't drink as much as he used to (his wife was a big drinker) and generally is young looking and feeling. I know there will be a bit of a difference when he gets older but it's not going to be huge, I don't think.

 

I really need to do some thinking.

 

You should do some thinking.

 

14 years is a bit older.

 

For me, I think it is easier to grow WITH someone, who's only a few years older and where our life stages aren't so far apart.

 

You said you realize it takes more than fun, but your solution to that is more fun??? Huh?

 

We both realize that it takes more than just 'being' together to make it work. We have to make it fun for each other, exciting, and make sure we keep the spark.

 

Have you guys ever discussed your PRIMARY values? Your ideas on faith, spirituality, finances, kids, philosophies on life, conflict management styles etc? Those things are far more relevant than making it fun and exciting for each other. You guys are grown people...not teenagers and there is more to a partnership that sparks and fun. Do you guys discuss the practicalities of having a life together? I admit that for me although I want to be married, I am scared of what happens when the excitement is gone. But I am realistic and know that if I'm going to marry because I think it's going to be fun and exciting everyday til we're 99...I shouldn't bother. There is more to it than just making it fun and exciting...those OTHER things are what keeps you together when those times come. Excitement comes in waves...it is NOT going to be constant. But you and MM seem to want to jump ship as soon as excitement recedes. It's not a good look for the long haul.

 

In any case...see my post before this one. It's good to think Rosie. Too many people want to revel in the euphoria of the now, which is fine, if you have no plans of being serious, then it's good to enjoy the now and break it off when fun ends. But if you are considering an actual life and partnership...thought is very necessary and will save you worlds of heartache later.

Edited July 6, 2012 by MissBee

[jwi71]

He loves to travel as well and it was hard with the kids and all.

 

Of course it is. Families are a sacrifice of wholly individual freedom.

The trade-off for not having the freedom is, of course, the family itself.

 

...and the question you should be asking yourself is:

 

Whats going to be different THIS time around with me?

(aka - how has he changed?)

Can you identify HIS actions which say "Cheating is no longer a viable option for me"?

 

Really, what steps/actions has he taken which demonstrably show he has changed? Of course, its a trick question.

 

You dont know. All you have is his word - likely the same word he, repeatedly, gave his W. Not only that, you haven't known him long enough to SEE the changes in him. Given this, all we can do is extrapolate from past behavior. Which was serial affairs every time his W made him unhappy.

 

Yikes. Whatever you do, don't make him unhappy.

 

What do I do when the honeymoon phase wears off? I know it will, I've read about it....

 

You settle in to life's routine - the same routine you had with your bf. The same routine he had with his W and kids. It will be that, plus the additional roles you WILL have as step mom. You know, cooking, laundry, curfew enforcement, bills, chores, and all the usual.

 

If you are lucky, you can escape every once in a while. You already know, per MM, that travel with kid is HARD (and expensive).

 

You arent want to hear this, but his stbxw's life is soon to be yours. Its the fate of all parents - step or maternal/paternal. Its not an insult to anyone - just a fact of life.

[rosieisblue]

Why do you think you can make it? I'm seriously asking and have used your relationship with your ex of 5 years as a comparison.

 

You got bored with him too.

 

So what is sooooo different about MM and you that you won't get bored when things wane, when he has to be a dad and do stuff with his kids, and also he is 15 years older...do you think as the years go on he will be able to keep up?

 

Rosie...every relationship starts off fun and carefree. That's why as I said, it's not really good to make permanent decisions while everything is glorious. You need time for the high to calm down and for some years to pass to really be able to look outside of traveling, fun and sex and realize if you have what it takes to last for the long haul. Frankly, none of what you've said sounds like anything that can last forever: fun, your tiny fit body, whatever else. None of those things last forever.

 

You're already with him...so all I'm saying is, keep your eyes open and realize that relationships will take WORK and that you and he if serious need to allow it time to grow and perhaps get coupes counseling. Don't simply act like you're better than his wife and you have fun now so of course you will make it forever...that's silly. I'm sure he married his wife because she was dun and they had a great time and other things in the beginning too...just like you dated your bf for 5 years for that reason...and you two still ended up bored and tired of your old partners and he cheated many times and you cheated with him. Consider those facts and how it has nothing to do with "the other person" but you guys and your response to boredom. A lot of people are sprinters and can run the quick and swift race of romance...but not a lot are long distance runners...who can stay with it and last after the 10th lap when the adrenaline isn't as high. But if you know how you are and how your partner is...by REALISTICALLY looking at your pattern and theirs, instead of simply saying "Whatever...we'll make it...despite evidence of our behavior in the past that shows the opposite"...you'll have a better chance of surviving, as you'll be actively working on your weaknesses instead of wishing them away, ignoring them or downplaying them in the now because of your current feelings that are often transient.

 

I think we can make it because we've learned from our mistakes: we both allowed our relationships to get boring, to get complacent, to reach that point where we turned to others. We've talked about this and have promised to make sure we always keep each interested and to take care of each other.

 

But now, with him away, writing and reading here, I just don't know. I love him, I know that, but can we make it? Can we last? I am not a cheater by nature. I've never cheated before. Yes, he's cheated before and his wife said he cheated on the girlfriend before her, which I haven't thought about a l ot (he was really young-21/22) but is this really a pattern?

 

I only know what the wife has told me and he has admitted to the cheating but says she has exagerated things. He had one affair with a woman she worked with and ended it when she found out. He recommitted to the marriage but was already unhappy and she didn't change. He cheated again about 10 months later, a quick fling at a work party. He had some FB flirtations with women he worked with but says they didn't go anywhere. Around when I met him he had some sort of kiss with a friend of hers, was FB flirting a bit and was planning to meet up with the party fling on a business trip but his wife found out everything the night before he left for that trip and that's where everything went crazy.

 

****, reading all of that makes it look really bad. She also was told he cheated when she was pregnant but that is one thing he says absolutely did not happen, although when the kids were born was around when he started being unhappy in the relationship.

 

Crap! Crap crap crap!!!!

 

Can he change? Is he really a serial cheater? She says he is and has said it to me but I know she still loves him. She says she's done but they email all the time. She told me to keep an eye on his email and FB and phone but I don't want to be sneaky and suspicious.

 

**** **** ****. I love this man! ****.

[pteromom]

maybe you have high enough quality t&a that he knows he might not get better, so he won't trade up.

 

 

maybe you have high enough quality t&a that he knows he might not get better, so he won't trade up for 10 years or so until you get "older and bigger" like his wife.

 

This whole situation has more red flags than China.

 

rosie, you need to quit defending and discounting his multiple affairs. If you think he only cheated on his wife because of the way she looked and acted, and since you look and act better, he won't cheat, you are in for some pain in your future.

 

Just keep your eyes open. It's only a matter of time until he cheats.

[rosieisblue]

You should do some thinking.

 

14 years is a bit older.

 

For me, I think it is easier to grow WITH someone, who's only a few years older and where our life stages aren't so far apart.

 

You said you realize it takes more than fun, but your solution to that is more fun??? Huh?

 

 

 

Have you guys ever discussed your PRIMARY values? Your ideas on faith, spirituality, finances, kids, philosophies on life, conflict management styles etc? Those things are far more relevant than making it fun and exciting for each other. You guys are grown people...not teenagers and there is more to a partnership that sparks and fun. Do you guys discuss the practicalities of having a life together? I admit that for me although I want to be married, I am scared of what happens when the excitement is gone. But I am realistic and know that if I'm going to marry because I think it's going to be fun and exciting everyday til we're 99...I shouldn't bother. There is more to it than just making it fun and exciting...those OTHER things are what keeps you together when those times come. Excitement comes in waves...it is NOT going to be constant. But you and MM seem to want to jump ship as soon as excitement recedes. It's not a good look for the long haul.

 

In any case...see my post before this one. It's good to think Rosie. Too many people want to revel in the euphoria of the now, which is fine, if you have no plans of being serious, then it's good to enjoy the now and break it off when fun ends. But if you are considering an actual life and partnership...thought is very necessary and will save you worlds of heartache later.

 

We've talked about living together but know it can't happen right now with the way things are with the kids. WE actually were talking about before we got caught. We were planning on easing out of our relationships and moving in maybe 6-8 months down the road, but her finding out made everything so much more complicated.

 

I know it's not all exciting but a cuople can do things to make sure the spark is there. Litlte surprises, little gifts, special messages, all that stuff makes a big difference. We do all that and I think we always will.

 

I just wish I knew what to do. I wish I didn't love him because reading my thread again I'm scared that I might be in something that is going to hurt me. But if I leave him he will be hurt and heartbroken. When I broke up with him a few months ago after the kids were being horrible he said that if he didn't have me he had nothing. It broke my heart. He begged me to work things out, saying it would work, we could make it work if we just tried. And I so want it to work but now I just don't know what to say or do.

[rosieisblue]

Of course it is. Families are a sacrifice of wholly individual freedom.

The trade-off for not having the freedom is, of course, the family itself.

 

...and the question you should be asking yourself is:

 

Whats going to be different THIS time around with me?

(aka - how has he changed?)

Can you identify HIS actions which say "Cheating is no longer a viable option for me"?

 

Really, what steps/actions has he taken which demonstrably show he has changed? Of course, its a trick question.

 

You dont know. All you have is his word - likely the same word he, repeatedly, gave his W. Not only that, you haven't known him long enough to SEE the changes in him. Given this, all we can do is extrapolate from past behavior. Which was serial affairs every time his W made him unhappy.

 

Yikes. Whatever you do, don't make him unhappy.

 

 

 

You settle in to life's routine - the same routine you had with your bf. The same routine he had with his W and kids. It will be that, plus the additional roles you WILL have as step mom. You know, cooking, laundry, curfew enforcement, bills, chores, and all the usual.

 

If you are lucky, you can escape every once in a while. You already know, per MM, that travel with kid is HARD (and expensive).

 

You arent want to hear this, but his stbxw's life is soon to be yours. Its the fate of all parents - step or maternal/paternal. Its not an insult to anyone - just a fact of life.

 

By the time we have a family of our own I think his kids will be nearly grown and out on their own, or at least off to study or work. I don't want kids right now so it's not an issue. And I don't think we'll move in for awhile and when we do they'll be a bit older (a year or two) and then they'll both be teenagers doing their thing.

 

It's not like we go out all the time, we do home things as well--cooking, watching tv, reading, hanging out, working out, talking, going for walks...normal stuff.

 

We have a great routine and it works when we're together. And when we're not we're in constant touch. We fell in love so quickly and we were able to make something of it once my BF and I broke up. MM was living in a tiny aprtment and we still had a great time together, playing Yahtzi, having pizza, talking, getting tto know each other better. It was serious very quickly because we fell in love so fast and it wasn't the sort of thing that could be just a 'dating' relationship. We were together and that was that. It was so natural.

 

And it's not about sex because we didn't sleep together right away when we met. We got to know each other over lunch and meals and a work trip we went on.

[rosieisblue]

I gotta disagree with you Pierre, she has a lot to lose and already has lost something. Her integrity is damaged because she engaged in an affair. Also she is high risk of wasting a lot of time on this man/child and he will stunt her growing into her own maturity. No point in going into the future and that kind of damage if she marries him and has children, that's been covered numerous times. Affairs leave permanent scars.......rosie will be like the rest of us, she won't come out unscathed. It will affect every future relationship she will have. She will have difficulty trusting and she may become a serial cheater herself.

 

I have never cheated before and never will again. It's been very rough for me but I knew when I met him that he was something special. I was just carried away by his charm and his kindness and his personality. He's incredibly funny and sweet.

 

I know the affair hurt his kids and maybe his wife but we are dealing with the fact that we hurt others and didn't mean to but sometimes love comes along and what are you going to do? I know he didn't love the other affair people, it was just a bit of fun on the side, but he was looking for real love. It's what he wanted all along.

 

Crap, what am I going to do? I know he loves me but will he always?

[MissBee]

He had one affair with a woman she worked with and ended it when she found out. He recommitted to the marriage but was already unhappy and she didn't change. He cheated again about 10 months later, a quick fling at a work party. He had some FB flirtations with women he worked with but says they didn't go anywhere. Around when I met him he had some sort of kiss with a friend of hers, was FB flirting a bit and was planning to meet up with the party fling on a business trip but his wife found out everything the night before he left for that trip and that's where everything went crazy.

 

Rosie...isn't it a red flag to you that he only ever stops cheating when his wife catches him???? Had she not kicked him out when she found out about you, he'd still be with her now. Just like in the past with every other case. Some men are unhappy and don't cheat...so why should your MM get a special pass, MULTIPLE times? Don't you think over 3 times is a pattern?

 

Also don't you think his marriage problems are also on him? You said his wife didn't change...did HE? Or was he the perfect one and she didn't change. I'm sure he's blamed it all on her but any smart woman knows that there is his side, her side and the truth and any smart woman should be leery of a man who seems to always be in the right or always the victim of other people.

 

Writing it makes it look bad...because it is. It's easy for us to see because we aren't inlove with him so have no emotional investment in only seeing the good. I think you should take whatever the wife says and file it away as important info. His wife seems GLAD to be rid of him and his antics. I don't think she is trying to ruin things for you...in fact, I'm sure she's content knowing that at some point you will be her. Reminds me of my ex. I never spoke to his gfs about him and his antics...and I'm sure had I, they would have labeled me the bitter ex. But whenever he got some new one, I would shake my head because she thought she was so special and would be there forever...and sure enough, she wasn't and was like every other. But they had to live and learn and maybe so will you. But critical thinking about your partner is GOOD! You should think critically about him and read in black and white his behavior and what his wife has to say.

 

You still haven't said if you discussed primary values and things outside of fun and games...in your very first thread and this one, every time you talk about your relationship it's all stuff that is not at all deep or foundational: playing games, cooking, jogging, going to the gym, eating pizza...I mean what does that have to do with love or a relationship being able to withstand life's storms??? You can do that with ANYONE! So what else is there besides having shared activities or interests?

 

She also was told he cheated when she was pregnant but that is one thing he says absolutely did not happen, although when the kids were born was around when he started being unhappy in the relationship.

 

He's a man-child IMO, which is also why he probably likes you, not to be rude, but you seem very child-like and trusting and seem less critical than his wife would be...you seem more focused on fun and I'm sure he loves that. He is a man-child who got bored when his kids came along and now he had to be a grown man and everything couldn't be about fun, romance and sex, so he got bored and unhappy and started seeking fun outside of his responsibilites and it is ALL his wife's fault . That's not a good look at all IMO.

 

I understand you love him. But unfortunately loving someone doesn't make them any less of who they are. People can change...but they don't change spontaneously, neither can we make them change and if change isn't something THEY want and are working towards...then hoping for it won't make it happen and us pushing it won't make it happen.

Edited July 6, 2012 by MissBee

[summerdowling87]

So if he cheated multiple times and you don't consider him a serial cheater then what do you consider a serial cheater?.