He's on vacation with his kids

[rosieisblue]

Oh honey, read your own words. You want so bad to make the wife seem terrible that you even say her friend tried to make it up to her but his wife wouldn't do it. What would you do if you caught your best friend with your man? I would immediatley cut that friend out of my life. Friends respect one another. Friends don't lie cheat and play around behind their friends back. Don't you see? Everything you say about the wife to try to portray her as bad actually paints her in a very good light with morals. You don't remain friends with someone who would stoop as low as being intimate with your husband.

 

Her friend admitted she had madea mistake but the wife blew it up into much more than a kiss and sent some nasty emails to the friend, dumping her out of her life. She's pretty much dumped everyone who is connected with MM except his family. his two friends he sees have been dumped and she does not talk or see anyone connected with him except his family and one friend of his that she's known forever.

 

If it was my best friend? yeah, that's a hard one. i wasn't there so I don't know exactly wht happened but it seems like they had a drunken kiss, met to talk about it over lunch and decided that it was stupid and that her friendship with his wife was more important.

[rosieisblue]

No....was his wife kissing her friend?

 

No, but she did go out to lunch with an old colleague of hers right before she found out about me and he made a pass at her. She told MM what happened and he said he was relieved.

[rosieisblue]

That's not love, that's a bored little kid needing to hear the ding of the text message to keep his ego massaged not the actions of a 40 year old responsible man who should be working.

 

He's very good at his work and is really well respected. He likes to send little messages and I do to, just a love reminder, I guess. he spends more time emailing with his wife than anything while they sort out the agreement.

[woinlove]

Her friend admitted she had madea mistake but the wife blew it up into much more than a kiss and sent some nasty emails to the friend, dumping her out of her life. She's pretty much dumped everyone who is connected with MM except his family. his two friends he sees have been dumped and she does not talk or see anyone connected with him except his family and one friend of his that she's known forever.

 

If it was my best friend? yeah, that's a hard one. i wasn't there so I don't know exactly wht happened but it seems like they had a drunken kiss, met to talk about it over lunch and decided that it was stupid and that her friendship with his wife was more important.

 

It's the deception that makes it much more than a kiss. The two of them met to discuss it and then the W only found out later by finding emails? That is not being a friend. Doesn't sound like friendship was more important to her if she and MM decided they would keep it a secret between the two of them. It does sound like MM has been a master at deception for years and he has declined IC which might have helped him change.

[rosieisblue]

I guess his wife was busy doing yoga and such and couldn't text every 5 seconds to keep him entertained. Make sure that phone is glued to you or he may get bored and text someone else. Playing with kids is boring so instead of giving his kids his full attention when he has them he is playing with you on the phone. I feel so sad for you. Wake up please!!!!

 

No, he texts in between playing games with them, when they're waiting for it to load. Or when they're watching movies. I can see where he should maybe pay more attention to them but they see him quite often so I don't know, doesn't he have a right to be in touch with other people in his life when he's with them?

[William]

OK, I went back and read the topic to be sure.... married man on vacation with his kids....questions about kids accepting.... dealing with being separated...etc, etc.

 

If that issue is resolved, we can move on to another issue in another thread. If not, continue the discussion, relevant to the starting post.

Edited July 7, 2012 by William
Update....

[rosieisblue]

It's the deception that makes it much more than a kiss. The two of them met to discuss it and then the W only found out later by finding emails? That is not being a friend. Doesn't sound like friendship was more important to her if she and MM decided they would keep it a secret between the two of them. It does sound like MM has been a master at deception for years and he has declined IC which might have helped him change.

 

Ok, you make a very good point--the wife had no idea until she read emails after finding out about me. I had no idea iether, I guess. I think they were both embarrassed that it happened and just wanted to forget it and the friend didn't want to ruin things with the wife. That's what I'm jguessing. I don't really know the whole story.

 

I do know the wife disinvited the friend from their christmas celebration at the last minute. She always throws a big party Christmas afternoon for friends and family and that was the day she cut the friend out of her life.

[rosieisblue]

lol a drunken kiss and then a lunch date. Think rosie think. Do you really think being drunk is an excuse to make out with others when you are in a relationship? What happens when you are home with a new baby and he goes away on business and drinks late into the night with the rep from another state, the one that's thinner and more perfect than you because you just gave birth. It would only be a drunken kiss right?

 

Oh Rosie I want to hug you right now and help you escape the married man cult.

 

I look at it like this (or I did): he was unhappy and looking for something else. That's what happened to me as well. I would not have involved myself with MM if I had been happy and satisfied with my BF. And one thing is sure, he might techinically still be married but he won't be in a few months. The divorce is going ahead so he'll be 'single' before Christmas. And that means more issues with the holidays, i think, as far as the kids. I have no idea how that's going to work. He always spends Christmas with his family and parents and sister and friends. This year will be different in some way I guess.

[It's Just Me]

I hope it works out, Rosie. But I would start worrying about would happen if you no longer worked together in the same office.

[rosieisblue]

I hope it works out' date=' Rosie. But I would start worrying about would happen if you no longer worked together in the same office.[/quote']

 

Well, he has interest from other companies and this is my first 'real' job so I'm not planning on staying here forever. It's a good job for now but I can't see it being the rest of my life.

 

I think it will be good, in a way, for us to be at different jobs, as he is much higher up than me and sometimes has to oversee my work.

 

I've been thinking about switching, actually. I am very good at what I do, I've been here just over a year so it might be time to move on soon.

 

I think it would be good for us.

[rosieisblue]

Rosie he has been unhappy since the day his kids were born. He has been unhappy since he has not been the center of the universe. Since he's had to grow up and be responsible. Don't you see it.

 

His wife has changed. He just never did. He never grew up. He wanted to keep playing and having fun not be home taking care of babies. That's why you at 26 relate so well to this 40 year old man. You are at a time in your life where you should be having fun, that's where he wants to stay. Don't ruin your fun by taking on his responsibilities.

 

I do believe a few years down the road his kids will be more accepting but you will alwaays be the other woman to them and they will never respect that.

 

Do you really think that? He is responsible for his kids, he pays their way, spends time with them, makes sure their ok. I think it was his wife he got bored with, they had nothing in common anymore and didn't do anything new or fun, just same old routine.

 

Ugh, I can read this as I write and it makes no sense. What do I do? What am I doing? What am I going to do?

[frozensprouts]

No, he texts in between playing games with them, when they're waiting for it to load. Or when they're watching movies. I can see where he should maybe pay more attention to them but they see him quite often so I don't know, doesn't he have a right to be in touch with other people in his life when he's with them?

 

 

these kids already seem to hate you...and he knows that. yet he simply adds fuel to the fire by continuing to text you while he is with them? They are kids, and they don't see things from an adult perspective...

to them, he is supposed to be spending time with them, yet he can't even give them that without constantly texting the woman who they see as the one who broke up their happy home? How do you think that makes them feel?

 

This guy can't even put his young kids first...to me , it sounds like the height of selfishness- he knows what he is doing is hurting his kids, yet he can't stop-his feelings still have to come first

 

that sums him up right there- he always has to come first

[rosieisblue]

these kids already seem to hate you...and he knows that. yet he simply adds fuel to the fire by continuing to text you while he is with them? They are kids, and they don't see things from an adult perspective...

to them, he is supposed to be spending time with them, yet he can't even give them that without constantly texting the woman who they see as the one who broke up their happy home? How do you think that makes them feel?

 

This guy can't even put his young kids first...to me , it sounds like the height of selfishness- he knows what he is doing is hurting his kids, yet he can't stop-his feelings still have to come first

 

that sums him up right there- he always has to come first

 

That's what they say to him. They've asked him to not text me when their with him but he thinks he has a right to have his life as well, just as he would if he was at home. When he was living at home he took calls and texts from friends so he thinks it's ok now. Also, he doesn't want to hide that we are together. He's very clear to them that I make him happy and he does not want to go home.

 

I have no idea how to handle this. I spoke to his son once when I was texting MM while they were on a weekend away and told him that I really liked his dad so wanted to talk to him sometimes. His son called me some very nasty names and hung up on me. So that's when I broke up with MM, but he begged me to not to that and that we could make it work and that the kids would com earound.

 

I never wanted to be in a situation like this. I never wanted kids to get hurt and I never wanted to be in a situation that is so difficult and makes it so hard to be together and have a normal relationship. I really don't know what to do. Give up someone I love? Or be patient while it sorts itself out?

 

As far as cheating, do I know that he will cheat? He might but am I giving up on love for somethign that 'might' happen? I am very scared right now.

[rosieisblue]

He got bored with his wife because she was not giving him her full attention because they had a baby to care for. That was a time when he should have been more attentive to her needs and helping her instead he wanted to play. I so wish I could hug you and help you. Talk to a close friend rosie. Tell her what you are telling us.

 

It's hard to talk to anyone but one close friend, who supports me and doesn't judge. But I'm not sure she thinks this is a good idea anymore. At first it seemed fun and when he was with his kids we would have drinks and text MM, but now it's much more in the open and it seems like everyone has gone back to their lives and we hang out with some friends of mine or some work mates or mostly with each other.

 

I guess I'm not sure how we integrate everything because it's so complicated.

[rosieisblue]

The kids refuse to meet me. I met one at an amusement park and it was fun but he was upset after and now says he won't meet me again. The two of them have banded together, with the older one leading the younger one, to say they want nothing to do with me.

 

The wife is fine with them meeting me, she wants to meet me but I don't know, it just seems weird. I don't know if I can sit down with this woman and know that she's seen me naked and knows what MM and I said to each other in texts and emails. There is just so much going on there and I just don't know if I can do it.

[carhill]

OP, here's my suggestion as a fMM and fOM:

 

Advise MM to enjoy his vacation with his children and to contact you upon his return. Then disable communication, as well as pushing back from this thread, and take some alone time to reflect on your experiences and everything read here. Clarity will come.

 

Regarding children, there are never any guarantees and experiences vary as widely as people do. Whether you stepped into his life now as an OW or later as a dating partner, children feel what they feel and act how they act. It's outside of your control. The key is accepting the real as valid. If, for example, right now, the kids 'hate' you....OK, they do. They're entitled to that perspective. It only impacts you to the extent you let it. Accept it.

 

Good luck.

[rosieisblue]

OP, here's my suggestion as a fMM and fOM:

 

Advise MM to enjoy his vacation with his children and to contact you upon his return. Then disable communication, as well as pushing back from this thread, and take some alone time to reflect on your experiences and everything read here. Clarity will come.

 

Regarding children, there are never any guarantees and experiences vary as widely as people do. Whether you stepped into his life now as an OW or later as a dating partner, children feel what they feel and act how they act. It's outside of your control. The key is accepting the real as valid. If, for example, right now, the kids 'hate' you....OK, they do. They're entitled to that perspective. It only impacts you to the extent you let it. Accept it.

 

Good luck.

 

I don't know if I can do that, cut him off. I can try but i don' tknow. With the kids they do not like me and I know that but I don't see how my relationship can go forward when there is this huge part of his life that i'm not allowed to be a part of.

[carhill]

I don't know if I can do that, cut him off. I can try but i don' tknow. With the kids they do not like me and I know that but I don't see how my relationship can go forward when there is this huge part of his life that i'm not allowed to be a part of.

Wishing him a pleasant vacation and asking him to contact you upon return is not 'cutting him off'. It's an adult way of respecting his time with his children, reminding him of that dynamic and setting a boundary regarding your interactions with him.

 

Personally, I wouldn't interact with his children at all, but that's yours and his call. I would see it as too confusing and upsetting for them.

[rosieisblue]

Who is in charge? Who is the adult? So the children call the shots? This guy really needs to grow a backbone.

 

Is it good to 'force' the kids to meet me? Eeryone has been saying to wait so I don't want to force anything. That would only make it worse, right?

[rosieisblue]

Do you see he is spineless? He would not leave his wife even though his marriage was over long ago. He waited for her to kick him out. He takes the easy route to everything.

 

No, we were planning on leaving our partners but trying to ease into it, do it at our own pace and when the time was right. We had a plan to do it further along. It just came sooner than expected.

[rosieisblue]

Wishing him a pleasant vacation and asking him to contact you upon return is not 'cutting him off'. It's an adult way of respecting his time with his children, reminding him of that dynamic and setting a boundary regarding your interactions with him.

 

Personally, I wouldn't interact with his children at all, but that's yours and his call. I would see it as too confusing and upsetting for them.

 

Ok, I see what you're saying but because he's far away he may take it the wrong way and see it as me pulling away from him and then he'll spend his time trying to contact me, I think. And that's not good either, if it's going to make the kids upset.

 

This is a nightmare.

[carhill]

As this is a long process, there is plenty of time to 'meet the kids'. I think I heard mention of a D being final in December...that's five months from now, and such things are always subject to change, as my own D proved out.

 

My bit of fatherly advice on this topic would be to consider what's in the children's best interest; for me, that would be as much stability, consistency and familial love as possible during this difficult time in their lives.

[rosieisblue]

No I don't think it is good to force the kids at all. I also don't think it is fair to treat you as an outsider looking in to his life. On the outskirts.

 

So what's the solution? If the kids won't meet me that whole part of his life is off limits to me. If he pushes it they will probably be rotten to me, especially the older one.

 

So I wait it out, right? Or just throw in the towel now?

[rosieisblue]

Can you talk to your father and his ow/wife?

 

No. I don't like her much and I'm not close to my dad.

[rosieisblue]

The kids father puts her in the childrens face daily. The dad texts her consistantlyduring their time with him. Let the kids have their say. The father is not going to stop this behavior. His constant phone usage during their time is extrememly hurtful. It's not hidden.

 

I think if they have their say it's not going to be nice. The older one is very clear that he will not meet me and if he does he will tell me what he thinks, which he already has a lot of times on FB.

 

I have five days before I see him again. I need to figure this out.