He's on vacation with his kids

[rosieisblue]

Boring is perfect. Steady, stable and comfortable with one another. Exciting is constant need for attention and drama. I bet your boyfriend was a good boring guy. Yes a new fall in love feeling is much more exciting and so is affair sex but stable and comfortable is what lasts.

 

I don't think it was your boyfriend was boring. You probably weren't really in love with him enough or the comfortable feeling with one another all the time would be perfect.

 

But couldn't taht be said for him and his wife? That they were never really in love because he got bored? Maybe comfort isn't enough? I don't know if I want boring and steady, although we are very comfortable with each other.

[rosieisblue]

Justifying. He was needy before all that thus all his many affairs.

 

Is that true? I feel like a novice right now in relationships. I was with my b for so long and then just a few not serious ones before that. Is he really that needy? Or maybe, just maybe, he just needed to find love? That's what he says. He loved his wife and it was great but then it died between them. He says they ran out of steam and it just broke. He thinks she knew it but won't admit it because she doesn't want to change her life. I undersatnd that but why stay in something that doesn't work with someone who doesn't want you?

[frozensprouts]

Yes, he likes constant attention. I do as well. I think we feed off each other with the texting all the time. It's so much fun to go back and forth for hours. I know that his wife was always doing other stuff so didn't send him a lot of texts or calls or mails unless they were arguing,, so I'm not making that mistake.

 

see rosie, you answer so many of your own questions...

 

do you really, honestly think you can keep up wth the constant texting/calling/contact? what do you think will happen when the shine of that wears off and you realize that there are so many other things in your life that require your attention besides the constant attention that you pay to this guy?

perhaps that is part of why his kids are so angry...maybe they have been trying for a long time to get his attention, but he was so so wrapped up in himself and his need for attention that they never. Now he's giving so much of his attention to you, and they still aren't getting it...

 

think about this too...why do you think his wife didn't text and call him constantly? because she had other responsibilities...like being a mom. When you become a mom you no longer have hours on end every day to spend texting someone...and what in heck does is say about a relationship if it can't handle a few hours of not texting?

 

stop living your life for this guy, and start living it for yourself...go out with your friends and have fun ( leave you cell at home...trust me- you don't need to be tethered to it 24 hours a day)...if he gets angry that you spent some time for yourself with being in constant contact with him, what does that tell you?

[rosieisblue]

Awesome post and so true.

 

Rosie, since you are afraid that he will go back to his wife and you fear if you don't give him 24/7 attention he'll leave you, don't you think that is too much pressure and not very healthy? Don't you feel like your fears hide a kernel of the truth, that everyone else has been pointing out, in them? That is: he is a needy man, who can't be very faithful, as once he feels an ounce of imagined neglect (i.e. his wife having babies to care for and you leaving him alone to enjoy his kids...two very legitimate things) he'll run off to another woman, in your case, you think he will run back to his wife. I don't think it's healthy to be in a relationship where you feel your partner will run off to be with another person...but in this case, it is warranted, as he has shown it and esp. since his wife kicked him out and he didn't in a mature fashion man up and opt out, it makes more sense to be scared that it was premature and that he is not 100% done with his marriage.

 

Perhaps you are rushing the you meeting the kids thing because you feel like the more you have dual lives, the less control you'll have over him and the more chances your fear of him going back to his wife will come true?

 

He was preparing to leave her, she just got there first, by finding texts between us and kicking him out. I don't know if he'll go back but it's a long marriage and I know the kids still want them to work it out, even though he's clear with them that it won't happen and I understand that that's a strong pull for anyone. He doesn't want to see his kids unhappy so if I pull away I can see him maybe going to her because I think she still loves him. She says she's done--they both do--but I don't think she'd be bothering him all the time with teh details of the divorce and raging about his cheating if she didn't still love him.

[MissBee]

But can't he have realized what he did wrong and do it differently this time? Can't he have seen things now and know how to not do them when the pressure or whatever hits next time? Can't we heal ourselves?

 

This is magical thinking Rosie. I'm not trying to be mean...but it's the kind of thinking kids do. Like maybe if I wish for this it will happen...with no work whatsoever.

 

People, esp older people who have learned overtime to be a certain way, it is ingrained. You don't get up overnight and change. A magic change fairy doesn't sprinkle change dust on you as you sleep so you wake up healed.

 

Healing takes work. If you break a leg, you have to go to the hospital, get tests, xrays, have it set, wear a cast, avoid certain activities, use a crutch, then go to physical therapy. Same with behavioral and psychological change...you consciously have to do things to make it better. You have to admit to your issue, seek help in understanding it, then put in lots of work and self reflection to modify your behaviors, and it takes time. You don't simply say or wish to change and you do. As the saying goes: "The heart is willing but the flesh is weak". That means that sometimes we have the best intention in our mind to do better...but if we have ZERO tools to do so and we're trying to change a behavior we have had for yeaaars we don't just heal ourselves.

 

What has MM done to heal himself, except say he has learned? The one concrete thing, going to therapy, he refuses. He has consistently blamed his wife for his unhappiness. So how has he ever taken responsibility or did something concrete in the process of change? Please think about it and ask yourself, what has he actually done to be different? Sorry, it's naive to believe that he simply knows the right thing now and has healed himself by a miracle and has changed, when no evidence or work has been put in. Knowing and changing one's learned patterns are different. I KNOW a lot of things that I need to change...but some have taken me years to change and some I'm still in the process of changing and I know I can't wish it away. He is a human being and is no different. But you also said he told you that nothing is wrong with it. So how can a man who doesn't believe he has done anything wrong begin to change? He sees no reason to. I know you wish he would just learn and change, even without therapy, since he told you he won't do that, so that's out of the question, so now you're resorting to praying he miraculously transforms. It's a very very very very far stretch. But as LG said...perhaps you must walk this road and learn for yourself. At least now you have some critical things to consider and aren't 100% blind.

Edited July 7, 2012 by MissBee

[rosieisblue]

Yes. I was dragged into a huge argument between them a year or 2 after they got married when this all started coming out.

 

So why does she stay with him?

[rosieisblue]

Rosie:

 

Have you heard of the MMs manual?

 

In the manual it is clearly stated that the MM must tell the OW that the wife at home is not interested in sex at all.

 

But, lets assume that is true. Lets assume that the wife at home does not want to have sex anymore. What is the implication of that statement? Ultimately it means that your MM did not know how to turn her on.

 

Let me put this to you in another way. Why would any woman in her right mind not want to have sex with a man that is so charming. Could it be that he changed during the marriage?

 

It takes two to have a sexless relationship. I guess you know that quite well when your relationship with your BF took a dive and the sex stopped. Whose fault was it? You? Your BF?

 

We still had sex but it got a bit old, to be honest. I think it was both of us, we got bored and our relationship was reaching a natural end. that happens to people, things just come to an end and it's best to see that and let it go, isn't it? I just don't get why people hang on to something that isn't going anywhere. My bf was really cool about it and let me go after some really long talks.

 

I can't imagine sex with MM will get boring. We waited and that made it more exciting when it finallyl happened.

[anne1707]

So why does she stay with him?

 

Eventually he stopped all the affairs etc (as far as I know) and she loves him. Mind you, he treated her like dirt when she was friendly (and just friends as I do actually know) with another man.

 

He always loved her and still does but he was used to getting his way. He could charm, talk and persuade. He used this to his advantage. He admits now that he was a fk up then. Doesn't mean he didn't hurt anybody or mess anybody else up whilst he was on that learning curve

 

I am talking about stuff that happened 20/30 years ago and it still hurts me to remember it. Your MM's children are only into this by a few months.

[MissBee]

He was preparing to leave her, she just got there first, by finding texts between us and kicking him out. I don't know if he'll go back but it's a long marriage and I know the kids still want them to work it out, even though he's clear with them that it won't happen and I understand that that's a strong pull for anyone. He doesn't want to see his kids unhappy so if I pull away I can see him maybe going to her because I think she still loves him. She says she's done--they both do--but I don't think she'd be bothering him all the time with teh details of the divorce and raging about his cheating if she didn't still love him.

 

How did he prepare? By telling you he was preparing? What real steps did he take in the process of leaving before you were found out? And why are you scared he'll go back to her, if he was gonna leave on his own anyway? If she kicks him out, he can always say, well see I was planning to leave, but you just first me.

 

So his going back to her is because SHE loves him, and not because he wants to? Does this make sense? I sure wish a man would be with me just because I love him lol....so many of us would then have the men or women we want if all it took was our own desire for them.

 

I understand you love him...and I dunno, I know I have been delusional in the past in my own relationships...but not sure if I would argue that my man is going to go back to his ex because she loves him. My ex boyfriend's ex wife was inlove with him still, it was plain as day...yet I was NEVER insecure, because I knew he had ZERO interest in her. HE divorced her...way before he even met me. So I knew he was done with their relationship and I wasn't a rebound and they weren't going back and forth. His behavior made me trust him and realize I was the apple of his eye and not her. I had no fears about him going back to her simply because she loved him...she could have loved him to the ends of the earth...but he didn't love her...and they had a kid together, and of course their son wanted them together. But it wasn't his desire so it wouldn't happen. So it confuses me that your logic is that he would go back to her because she is still inlove with him, as if HE doesn't also get to choose. Then again...MM doesn't seem to have chosen anything thus far, except to cheat. But he hasn't chosen to leave, she kicked him out. He never ended his prior affairs, she ended it. He didn't tell you about his other affairs, she told you. His wife does everything and is the one with the bigger b@lls apparently....and he's just there...

[rosieisblue]

I don't think badly of you for making poor choices. I fault him really because he isn't honoring his vows and his selfishness is destroying his family. And now his actions have caused you to be upset.

 

I think you are in an unhealthy relationship with a guy who doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship. He's older and set in his ways but you're still young enough to change.

 

Why don't you think you deserve someone better than him? Why settle for a toxic partner rather than a good guy?

 

I am in love with him. And he's in love with me. How do I let that go? how do I walk away? how do I say it's over if we love each other? He will be devastated. When I broke up with him at one point he was panicking and told me that he had nothing if he didn't have me. It nearly broke my heart.

[frozensprouts]

I'm seeing his neediness right now as a result of his world being ripped apart literally overnight when she threw him out. He went from his nice home with his kids around him to living in a one room apartment and having a suitcase of clothes for a month. Then she told him to get his stuff so he had all these trash bags. Then he moved to an even smaller place for a few months before his parents helped him buy a place, which is still pretty small and crappy but he's fixing it up.

 

He's quite alone, in a lot of ways. His two friends have lives so he sees them once a month or maybe twice, he sees his kids, he sees me and sometimes his mother comes to town and sees him for dinner or something. he's used to his family and all that he built so he's rebuildig right now like crazy and probably needs me more than he would in normal circumstances.

 

Or am I justifying?

 

who's fault is that? hers? would you have her just sit there and shut up while the two of you ride off into the sunset?

Seriously...you have not one iota of a clue of what his wife has been through, and, like it or not, you participated in that most willingly...

take a look at some of the stories in the infidelity section...put yourself in his wife's place and think of how you would feel and how you would react...now look at the way his wife has treated you...his wife has actually been most gracious towards you, has tried to help you and warn you, and has even gone as far as to try and get your guy into counseling with the kids so they can deal better with the breakup ( which would benefit your relationship with them) yet he refuses to go? what the heck does that tell you about him?

if i were you, i' insist on him getting counseling with his family ( it , in the long run, will help you) ad also with you...if he can't do that for you, what does that tell you?

[rosieisblue]

Didn't your mm fall out of love with his wife when his kids were born? Why did he stay with her for 12 more years?

 

I think he felt obligated. And it wasn't all bad, they had some good times as a family but as a couple it was dying.

[rosieisblue]

A question for you Rosie:

 

If the wife had looked the other way about this affair and she did not throw him out. Would the MM be at home?

 

I would say YES!

 

I don't think so because we were talking about plans for the future, about ending it gradually with our partners and finding a place together maybe 6 or 9 months down teh road. We wanted to do it carefully, with as little hurt as possible, so we were planning on seeing each other and then slowly removing ourselves from our relationships.

 

So i don't think he'd still be with her if she hadn't found out, no.

[MissBee]

I am in love with him. And he's in love with me. How do I let that go? how do I walk away? how do I say it's over if we love each other? He will be devastated. When I broke up with him at one point he was panicking and told me that he had nothing if he didn't have me. It nearly broke my heart.

 

You can't break up because HE will be devastated?

 

I don't think we should stay with people because we are sorry for them or because they beg us to. Breaking up is hardly a bed of roses for most...yet sometimes it is necessary and people act all crazy, but eventually move on. He will have nothing...because his wife won't take him back probably. But he'll have his kids and his job and his health hopefully. That's plenty. He just won't have you.

 

He may be devastated, but he will be alright. And I can imagine in the blink of an eye he will be asking his wife to take him back or find a new woman if that fails. I assure you that he would eventually get over it.

 

He devastated his kids by breaking up the family and cheating...so if his KIDS have to now deal with the devastation and move on...why does he get spared??? He is an adult. Relationships end and people grieve and are broken, but bounce back. He would too...probably quicker than most in fact.

 

I somehow doubt he was concerned about his wife's devastation when he was cheating, and I doubt if he wanted to cheat or breakup with you he'd be saying he can't devastate you. Just my inkling.

[alexandria35]

Sorry, i think I gave the wrong impression about the gay friends. He's friends with some of them but it became the only people she had over for dinner, gay couples. He likes them and is still friends with one couple but it became too much because it was all the time, I guess. I don't know, I haven't talked to him about that very much.

 

I don't expect to be perfect or him to be perfect and I don't think he expects that of me. I'm just sort of thinking this all over and tring to figure it out.

 

So he didn't like that his wife's social circle consisted of mostly gay couples. So? Why would this be her problem? She was supposed to furnish him with friends too? In a recent post you say he has two friends that he only sees once a month. Guess this is his wifes fault too. She was supposed to go out and get friends he liked too because he was too inept to create his own social circle.

[rosieisblue]

How did he prepare? By telling you he was preparing? What real steps did he take in the process of leaving before you were found out? And why are you scared he'll go back to her, if he was gonna leave on his own anyway? If she kicks him out, he can always say, well see I was planning to leave, but you just first me.

 

So his going back to her is because SHE loves him, and not because he wants to? Does this make sense? I sure wish a man would be with me just because I love him lol....so many of us would then have the men or women we want if all it took was our own desire for them.

 

I understand you love him...and I dunno, I know I have been delusional in the past in my own relationships...but not sure if I would argue that my man is going to go back to his ex because she loves him. My ex boyfriend's ex wife was inlove with him still, it was plain as day...yet I was NEVER insecure, because I knew he had ZERO interest in her. HE divorced her...way before he even met me. So I knew he was done with their relationship and I wasn't a rebound and they weren't going back and forth. His behavior made me trust him and realize I was the apple of his eye and not her. I had no fears about him going back to her simply because she loved him...she could have loved him to the ends of the earth...but he didn't love her...and they had a kid together, and of course their son wanted them together. But it wasn't his desire so it wouldn't happen. So it confuses me that your logic is that he would go back to her because she is still inlove with him, as if HE doesn't also get to choose. Then again...MM doesn't seem to have chosen anything thus far, except to cheat. But he hasn't chosen to leave, she kicked him out. He never ended his prior affairs, she ended it. He didn't tell you about his other affairs, she told you. His wife does everything and is the one with the bigger b@lls apparently....and he's just there...

 

We were only just talking about breaking up with our partners when she found out. We were only a couple of months into really having the affair, so it happened so fast. They had plans for Christmas and baby showers and other stuff and he wanted to get all of that out of the way and then start working on it after the holidays but she found out in early November and just blew it out of the water.

 

But she was trying to work it out at first and he was not interested. He was waiting for me but clear to her that he was done, it was over.

 

She's ballsy, absolutely, but I think she told me about the affairs to try to break us up because she wanted him back.

[frozensprouts]

I am in love with him. And he's in love with me. How do I let that go? how do I walk away? how do I say it's over if we love each other? He will be devastated. When I broke up with him at one point he was panicking and told me that he had nothing if he didn't have me. It nearly broke my heart.

 

rosie...

that is very sad...read it over and over and over...

it sounds more like you love him, but are afraid to leave because of what it will do to him...

is that any reason to stay with him? out of fear?

 

he is a big boy who hasn't had to be on his own for a very, very long time ( if ever)...but you are not his mommy...you are an independent woman who just got out of a 5 year relationship...now you are getting heavily into another with a guy who is so dependent on you ...

that's not love on his part...it's dependency and selfishness...

[anne1707]

I don't think so because we were talking about plans for the future, about ending it gradually with our partners and finding a place together maybe 6 or 9 months down teh road. We wanted to do it carefully, with as little hurt as possible, so we were planning on seeing each other and then slowly removing ourselves from our relationships.

 

So i don't think he'd still be with her if she hadn't found out, no.

 

Think about it Rosie

 

How do you slowly remove yourself from someone you are married to and have children with?

• You do this parents' day at school, I'll do the next one without you
  
• Tell you what, you do Christmas morning with the kids then disappear. Then I'll spend the afternoon with them
  
• No, you can't nuy a new school uniform for the daughter because I refuse to give you any monet until the 15th of the month
  
• Of course I still love you darling, it's just that I want to sleep in the spare room from now on
  

Doesn't really quite work, does it?

[MissBee]

Serial cheaters don't mature out of it Rosie, my father was one until the day he died in his late 50's. MissBee's father is still one although I don't know his age, it's probably late 40's or 50's.

 

The only way he can change is through therapy and/ or some divine help from above or very difficult to do self reflection. They are broken people rosie, it's likely that his parents affairs have had a very negative affect on him. It scarred him and your dad's affair has scarred you or else you probably wouldn't be here having been the ow. You've got your own issues rosie or you wouldn't have got yourself into this mess. That's how most of us found our way to being the ow, foo issues. I hope you address them now instead of carrying it with you for many more years as I have. You didn't just happen to fall in love with a mm or just happen to be the ow, foo issues are the root. Address them before you get older and do more damage to yourself by your choices rosie.

 

 

Yes my dad is in his 50s and is still cheating and has been doing it for years.

 

My mom is a Rosie though. She thought she would be different...she sure wasn't. When he got caught he blamed her and everything under the sun for it or lied lied lied OR acted like she was making a big deal out of it.

 

He cries and begs for forgiveness when she says she is done, but then she feels bad, like Rosie, when she ends it and thinks he has learned. But no sooner than she forgives...he is on it again.

 

And yes...his ways have affected me and my relationship patterns and unsurprisingly I was an OW too. It's a curse to have a dad like this but a blessing, in that I can spot a serial cheater with issues a mile away and am under NO illusion that they can miraculously change. I don't buy the crocodile tears and I don't allow myself to engage wishfully thinking like my mom has for the 20 something years of marriage that if I love him enough, look nice enough, cook enough, tolerate his nonsense enough he will love me enough to never cheat again. I witnessed a woman who wasted so much time trying to love a man into change and it didn't at all work. I don't want to be 50 with a cheater still hoping...it's so sad . Rosie is young and so am I, and have no kids, we are more able to run like the wind from these people, unlike a woman, no doubt like MM's wife who probably feels more tied down. But even she got tired of him at some point and kicked his butt out, as she probably should have ages ago.

 

Yepp love..smuv. My mom put up with nonsense in the name of "love" but that is not what I call love. It's denial, enabling and staying with the evil you know. I understand you love him Rosie..but what is love if it's so complicated? I'd see a therapist myself and tell them about the relationship and see if a professional has any advice to you. Maybe you will listen to a therapist more than LS people. Perhaps their perspective will shed some light on this situation for you.

Edited July 7, 2012 by MissBee

[MissBee]

We were only just talking about breaking up with our partners when she found out. We were only a couple of months into really having the affair, so it happened so fast. They had plans for Christmas and baby showers and other stuff and he wanted to get all of that out of the way and then start working on it after the holidays but she found out in early November and just blew it out of the water.

 

But she was trying to work it out at first and he was not interested. He was waiting for me but clear to her that he was done, it was over.

 

She's ballsy, absolutely, but I think she told me about the affairs to try to break us up because she wanted him back.

 

Regardless of her reasoning, it was the truth. However, you have the information and you either use it or you continue on. You obviously made your choice.

 

So you guys only talked about it...i.e. he had no concrete plans you can go back to look at which prove for a fact that he really wold have left, even if she didn't find out. Not surprising at all. If she was trying to make it work and he wasn't interested, wouldn't that have been a perfect time for him to say "No can do. We probably should divorce". I think that is an excellent segue.

 

When she kicked him out btw, what did he do? Did he call you? Did he stay with you?

Edited July 7, 2012 by MissBee

[Got it]

rosie - I would stop, take a deep breath, and just wait for him to get home. These are discussions that are best served face to face. Figure out what you want, what you are looking for, what you can give, and go from there.

 

I strongly recommend couples counseling if you guys want to move forward. And if he is a serial cheater IC would be very helpful for him to figure out the whys. Why has he used affairs as a coping mechanism?

[amaysngrace]

I am in love with him. And he's in love with me. How do I let that go? how do I walk away? how do I say it's over if we love each other? He will be devastated. When I broke up with him at one point he was panicking and told me that he had nothing if he didn't have me. It nearly broke my heart.

 

It's just sad all around. Being in love isn't suppose to be this complicated.

 

I still don't have a whole lot of respect for MM because he causes so many people so much pain.

 

I know you say it's yours and his fault but really it's mostly his. If he wasn't with you then he would have been with another woman. He is the one who is married and has children. Yes they're gonna blame you rather than dad cause they're loyal to him so it's gotta be your fault but really it is mostly his.

 

Even his wife isn't angry with you. She knows whose fault it is mostly.

 

Does he even acknowledge that he's wrong or does he only justify cheating by blaming his wife?

 

I still don't understand why you're with someone like him...you seem like a nice person...I don't know why you're with such a loser.

[jade4071]

He is focusing on his kids but he does keep in tough with me. I mean, it's a ten or eleven day holiday. Would we not be in touch?

 

I'm not afraid of his reaction, I just don't want him to think I'm rejecting him. I'm scared of the whole mess, to be honest. It's such a huge mess and I want to figure out a way to make it right. And if I can't I need to know that so I can move away. But how to do that? We work together and see each other every day. Eeryone at work knows we're in a relationship. What if we broke up and everyone knew? We would look like fools.

 

I'm just not sure we can integrate into each other's lives. I thought, at the beginning, that it would go smoothly but it's not getting easier with the kids and while we've met friends and family a bit it's not, I don't know, integrated, if that makes any sense. It's freindly enough but it's not natural. Maybe that just takes time but it's been awhile. His parents didn't even see him on his birthday. They gave him their house for the weekend but went away and we went there to celebrate. His mom came to visit the day after his birthday but saw his wife as well.

 

It's just complicated. She's so involved with everyone and I wonder if she always will be. Her family lives really far away so she's very close to his. And the kids are really close to them as well.

 

Her involvement with MM's family may or may not lessen with time. In addition to having kids together, the wife has had an ongoing relationship with her in-laws and that will continue, or not, regardless of how you feel about it. If you want to continue your relationship with MM you'll have to get used to this. She's "so involved" because she and your MM have been married a long time. If they get along well, which it sounds like they must, those relationships may never end and they don't have to.

 

You may be able to integrate into each other's lives. At this point his parents/family are likely only being nice to you for the sake of MM, you should keep that in mind. If you stick with MM they may come to truly accept you, hard to know.

 

As far as everyone at work knowing you two are in a relationship, they already think the two of you look like fools for carrying on the affair. No judgment here but if you wanted to avoid looking like fools in their minds, it's too late. Perhaps if you broke up they may think you have wised up a bit, who knows. Office gossip can be brutal....they've already thought and said plenty. If I were you I'd find another job in an another area. But I'm not you and I doubt you would act on that.

 

In all honesty, you sound very needy and scared of losing the relationship. If telling him to spend time with his kids translates into rejection for him, you don't need this guy in your life. You'll have to evaluate everything you say or do, even the most innocuous of things, before you act. Thinking before speaking is one thing but what I described is a whole other issue. Eventually your whole life is wrapped around how he may react, what he might think, is he upset with you, does he want out, etc. On top of that he has two kids who hate you, you wonder if you'll ever be able to integrate your lives and if his wife will ever go away, even after the divorce.

 

Seriously, who needs all that? Where does your happiness fit into all of this? Because if you can say you can be happy with the mess I just described....well then, carry on.

 

Maybe I don't understand but why should have MM's parents spent time with him on his b-day instead of doing whatever they did? Isn't he 40yo? I know it's off topic but I seriously don't get the birthday thing. I've noticed more and more adults wanting birthday parties and similar recognition and IMO I think it's kind of odd. My birthday is next week and DH asked me yesterday what I wanted and/or wanted to do for my birthday and the best I could do was, "h*ll if I know." Perhaps my mom will call/text/whatever on my b-day but I certainly don't expect she needs to do anything. Does your MM truly require this much attention from those around him? Or were you just surprised his parents didn't make a big deal of it?

[awkward]

Honestly from how you've described MM, I don't think you need to worry about this situation with his kids. Just date your MM and see where you are in a year.

 

1) He is ruining his relationship with his children. Texting you while spending time with them is just going to drive a wedge in the father/children relationship further. I predict in a couple of years the kids will not want to visit their father at all. Even by this Christmas he might find them begging their mom to not make them go to their Father's for the holidays.

 

2) He will blame you for his kids not wanting to be around him.

 

3) He will cheat on you.

 

If his wife was willing to take him back, he would go. In a heartbeat. He would still cheat though because he is a serial cheater. He will have OW, OOW, OOOW no matter who he is with because that is who he is. It has nothing to do with the women's physical appearance, their personalities, nor their lifestyle. It has everything to do with him. IT'S WHO HE IS. Hopefully his wife has figured this out.

 

Don't waste your life on him. Don't waste your child bearing years on him.

 

Don't have children with him. Please just don't.

[rosieisblue]

Regardless of her reasoning, it was the truth. However, you have the information and you either use it or you continue on. You obviously made your choice.

 

So you guys only talked about it...i.e. he had no concrete plans you can go back to look at which prove for a fact that he really wold have left, even if she didn't find out. Not surprising at all. If she was trying to make it work and he wasn't interested, wouldn't that have been a perfect time for him to say "No can do. We probably should divorce". I think that is an excellent segue.

 

When she kicked him out btw, what did he do? Did he call you? Did he stay with you?

 

He called me when she kicked me out but didn't stay with me because I was living with my partner still.

 

He stayed with friends and finally found a place for himself.

 

It was so early into the relationship that we hadn't figured out the details of things, we just knew we were in love and wanted to be together in the future. Neither of us expected it to blow up the way it did but he does say that although he is sorry it happened the way it did he's not sorry that it happened.