He's on vacation with his kids

[Adamgem]

I can really relate to Rosie. I, however, am maybe more aware of his unacceptable behavior. I am older and should know better.

 

I am surprised at how vulnerable and desperate I was/am. I was willing to attack another woman (based on things he'd said) because that was easier than seeing him for what he is...

 

And yet here I am in bits that I can't be with him. He led me to believe that it was over between them for the last few years. We met a year ago.

 

I have met all his friends and family. Everybody knows about us. It seems everybody except her. He said she asked many times but he told her no, I am just an employee.

 

When she got over a recent problem I thought she too would know about us. Instead he has suddenly started telling me what a wonderful partner and mother she is...

 

This is after a year of describing her as a complete bit*h. I was so shocked. He does not want her to know about us as it would only upset her.

 

She has suffered enough. He goes to their house to spend time with the kids. He stays there for nights on end. After his last visit he has changed towards her. It seems to me that they are getting on better.

 

When I confronted him... he got in a rage and started shouting that he would never leave them. I said I did not want his children to ever suffer. I wanted nothing to do with that.

 

From the start I said I did not want to have anything to do with splitting a famiy up. If their relationship had ended that was fine but if not I did not want to be involved.

 

He is now trying to say I knew all along. He does not want to let me go and has become very controlling and jealous. He is then very sweet and upset. He can not understand why I am doing this. He is convinced there must be someone else as what I tell him over and over does not make any sense to him.

 

He said he can't sleep or concentrate on anything because he is so upset. I have had great fun but I do not want to be involved with someone that is running off to another woman every now and then.

 

He insists that she does not want the children to know about their split so they are going to pretend everything is 'normal'. I do not have children so I do not know if this is something a mother would want?

 

I know he is not being honest with me but I can not prove it. I can not sleep either. I am so angry with myself for being such a fool. I have spent so much time with him. He keeps insisting he never felt like this before and so on.....

 

Is this another one having a midlife crises? He is ten years older. They have three children - all lovely children too. Is it normal that he expects me to be alone at Christmas and so on whilst he is with his family? Am I being selfish? I am so confused and upset....

 

I really feel for Rosie as I can see how she is thinking.... I can relate in so many ways. It is so difficult to see reality when someone is being so nice to you - they are blinding you.

[Mount]

Poor woman, I guess she just wants to vent:(

 

LadyGrey, pls look at some my posts/questions today, would love to have your insights. Thx.

 

You need to start your own thread adamgem, you can copy and paste this.

 

[woinlove]

Sorry, I may have explained it wrong. We were on the phone talking while he was away for a few days with his kids a few months ago. His son wasn't ahppy that he was talking to me so he asked him son if he wanted to talk to me. His son got on the phone and was pretty rude to me and then hung up on me.

 

One has to feel very sorry for these children that they have such a terrible father. You are an adult, rosie, and you can chose to stay with this extremely selfish, deceitful man or you can chose to leave him. But his children don't have any choice. How awful for them. The way he is treating his children with respect to you sounds like child abuse.

[SoleMate]

Ok, I'm young and I had a young bf and he ending up leaving me bored. [compared to MM]

Boredom in a relationship is not always the fault of the other person. It's possible you may prefer drama and even pain to a peaceful r/s. You may want to consider whether depression is a problem for you, as it is a common cause for people seeking pain via their choices. (The reasoning seems to be, I am desperate to feel something, anything, and I can't feel happiness or joy [either just at the moment, or chronically] so I will go and act out in a way that brings me stimulus, even if negative.)

[skywriter]

This man pulled you into his own personal trainwreck. He wasn't just disrespectful to his wife, he was disrespectful by involving a much-younger person with far less relational experience who was vulnerable to the attention and excitement of what he could offer. It isn't a fair case at all.

Never a truer word was spoken.

 

This , to me, is what all A's seem to have in common.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Rosie,

 

This man seems to have a need to triangulate ALL of his relationships, even with his own children. People who do that are insecure deep down and this gives them a feeling of power and control.

 

It sounds like his wife has handled this better than most but she has had a front row seat to his antics for a long time. She probably knows him better than he knows himself! I can't say her treatment of you is completely altruistic. She's trying to break the triangle by removing herself as the antagonist. She knows he needs that to operate. She sounds like a smart cookie but I guarantee her knowledge and understanding of her situation was a long time coming and involved painful realization.

 

I've a daughter about your age, and while independent and intelligent, she has a lot of lessons to learn that only time and experience can teach. Don't be afraid to live and learn and move on. That's what growing up is all about.

[rosieisblue]

Ok, tomorrow is the day. I've answered a few texts but am ready to do this. Nervous and expect a big drama because I just gave him a great gift for his birthday a few weeks ago and it's been very loving up until yesterday.

[dreamingoftigers]

Good for you on deciding a path away from this painful endeavour.

 

DO NOT allow him to guilt you.

 

He may simply cast it off as nothing. Don't allow that to draw you back for more either.

 

I have heard (though never experienced) that the emotional backlash from ending an A is harder then a regular break-up.

 

However, remaining in the relationship will probably be much more draining and difficult (not to mention crazy-making and always looking over your shoulder) in the long run.

 

You aren't "abandoning" him. He created this untenable situation and it is completely dishonourable if he expects you to go along with it.

 

Hopefully everything else will stabilize shortly.

 

Btw, sometimes it takes like 7 times to truly leave someone. If you welch, just keep on it. Build up your reserves.

[dreamingoftigers]

In response to what Lady Grey has said:

 

If IC is not an instant option and you are dead sure, then muster your outside resources ASAP.

 

Friends, family, heck even pets and musical instruments if you have to.

 

This question is not to sound condescending in any way so please do not take it as such:

 

Did you somewhat socially isolate yourself during the Relationship, or make it your "everything?"

 

Often in the beginning steps of intense relationships, (especially women) go through what I had jokingly referred to as the "boyfriend coma." Where all of a sudden they disappear for a month or so before they really start hanging out with their friends again.

 

Sometimes to keep the relationship intense, people just can't spend much time apart. Even if its just to do something fun for themselves.

 

My husband and I had very different living circumstances when we were first together. We literally spent 23-24 hours a day for the first two or so years together.

 

It just sets you up to fail (and it did for us, spectacularly, but we are trying to recover some things now. anyways......)

 

In the start of a relationship, things should be slower, getting to know someone slowly in a variety of situations before becoming intimate and then even so avoiding enmeshment.

 

I know that the relationship has been going on for a while, but it hasn't had a chance to breathe in light of all of this. It is very hard to judge what the relationship would look like aside from his relational history (which isn't that great, frankly).

 

Get your buddies together!

[rosieisblue]

Not sure i can do this. I think I'd rather quit my job and just stay away from him. I'm afraid he's going to suck me back in. i know the relationship is wrong and won't work out in the long run but I do love him and this just sucks.

[PhoenixRise]

Not sure i can do this. I think I'd rather quit my job and just stay away from him. I'm afraid he's going to suck me back in. i know the relationship is wrong and won't work out in the long run but I do love him and this just sucks.

 

 

Rosie

 

You are every bit as conflict avoidant as this MM.

 

At some point you have to face your life head on and do what it takes to make it the best life possible for you.

 

I believe this is why LadyGray suggested that you get counseling first...before you attempt a break up. I agree with her. You should get the counseling first.

 

He can't suck you back in to anywhere you don't want to be. The problem is that you DO want to be there. That hasn't changed. Not really.

 

I think that right now, if you break up with him you will fail. You will go back and in your mind the fact that he is begging so hard and the fact that you can't seem to stay away will just add to you thinking it is all because your love is so special, it will add to the drama, it will add to the feeling of the two of you against the world, it will add to you thinking that since it all feels so intense it is meant to be. It will add more unhealthy dysfunction to the entire situation.

 

If you really want something better for your life then get some IC or some kind of IRL help to help you figure out WHY you are in this messed up situation in the first place. Talk to a professional IRL about how you got here because "We just fell in love" that you have said over and over in your posts here only scratches the surface. Have the courage to dig a little deeper Rosie.

 

Talk to someone IRL to help you figure out why you are so susceptible to being sucked back in to trainwreck Rosie.

 

You have a very long life (hopefully) ahead of you Rosie. Decide now that this kind of drama and pain whether with this MM or some other man down the road is not the kind of life you want for yourself. Decide now that whatever got you here you are going to take active steps to heal it now to save yourself from pain in the future. Get yourself some help Rosie.

[whichwayisup]

Not sure i can do this. I think I'd rather quit my job and just stay away from him. I'm afraid he's going to suck me back in. i know the relationship is wrong and won't work out in the long run but I do love him and this just sucks.

 

Why can't you stand up to him and talk to him, tell him how you feel? Why are you being so passive? This is YOUR life, so if you want him, fight for him. If you don't want him, then do all that you can to end it peacefully and with respect, then cut him out of your life.

 

People break up all the time. And they stay broken up because they know what they want.

 

You are not sure what you want, you're letting worries and fears control you, instead of living in the now. You are focussing on stuff that is so far into the future you can't enjoy anything in your life 'in the now.'

[Trimmer]

Oh my goodness I feel for you. you must have been so humiliated hiding. You are definitely not ready to end this. We can't help you. you are going to have to learn the hard way wasting your youth.

 

An interesting side note it was lovely to see everyone bs and ow alike come together to try to help Rosie. I guess age really makes a difference in people's minds. Rosie if you were 50 with grown children I think everyone would have said go for it.

I agree that it's good to see a supportive thread, but as far as the "if you were 50..." comment, I respectfully - and strongly - beg to differ. This is one of those speak for yourself situations - don't speak for "everyone"... Rosie's age helps to paint a fuller picture of where she is in her life, to help me craft my advice to her particular relationship and state of mind, but anyone of any age who was in a similar situation would get the same fundamental advice from me.

 

One thing that may make a difference in her case is that for as much as she was defending and excusing the MM and the relationship early on, she also seems to have been internalizing and considering much of the advice, and is open to seeing things in a different way as a result. That gives me the hope to encourage her to continue to be strong and confident and think for herself, and to decide who she wants to be and what is truly best for her in the long run.

 

And that advice is not age (or gender) specific.

Edited July 11, 2012 by Trimmer

[beachbabe82]

Not sure i can do this. I think I'd rather quit my job and just stay away from him. I'm afraid he's going to suck me back in. i know the relationship is wrong and won't work out in the long run but I do love him and this just sucks.

 

Do you not have self control? Why do you "let" yourself be swayed?

 

Think @ what he did to his child! Think @ how he put a little boy on the phone with his mistress! Think @ that little boy who STILL can't have time with his dad because once again, you and the MM can't put a child's needs ahead of your own! You two could have talked/text at night, instead, you and he do it in front of the children! Why do you think that is okay, even AFTER this boy told you that your constant need (and his dads constant need) for communication was wrecking his time w/ his dad? Think of these children and the harm you both have done to him? The fact that you thought it was a good idea to tell this boy that you liked his dad??!?!? The kid is reeling from the news that his parents have split up and daddy already has a girlfriend!!!!

 

Maybe you should just stay with him since it's too hard to say "go away and leave me Ali e" and mean it??? Go ahead and keep hurting these innocent kids!!!

 

I am so so so glad Billy moved out (and didn't get kicked out!) and I have not met his kids and his almost ex wife doesn't know about us. I'm glad I never sent naked pictures, interrupted his time with his kids. I think we are around the same age, yet I know I am proud of how I handled my situation. I know I don't have to worry about hurting Billy's kids. I couldn't be with Billy if he disrespected his kids like your guy did. His character and behavior is sickening. How/why do you"love" some guy who acts like this? Seriously, the whole situation is very disturbing and I just don't get why you think all this stuff is okay or acceptable.

 

Sorry Rosie, I am just really upset for those kids. I will never ever hurt a kid like this. That little guy needs cou selling to help him deal with a father who does t give a darn about his feeling. I just cry reading this thread! And you are worried about being sucked back in by a rat? You really really need to see a counselor.

[CALOVELY]

I have never wanted to be a SAHM. I want to work and have a career and a family as well, but my work is important to me and defines me in a lot of ways. I went to school a long time to get the education I wanted so I could have this career and I'm not giving it up.

 

Most people who value their careers, don't have affairs at the office. Secondly, I find this story nearly impossible to believe. You have literally made every trollish comment possible to incite either the most amount of anger or the most amount of sympathy from everybody. If this story is true, well then you two couldn't be better suited for each other. A pair of sociopaths whose entire world revolves around me, me, me.

[UpwardForward]

How/why do you"love" some guy who acts like this? .

 

Because OP thought she was special, and 'the one'. That the W should get a job. That the M hadn't been happy because there were other A's.

 

Should be an automatic red flag if someone's R with a M person is the cause of a D and family to leave their residence.

 

How can anyone talk so casually about mother and children having to find another place to live, when their A is the reason.

 

Children being uprooted and father moving out. How could anyone question the children's hurt and bitterness.

[Owl]

So... situation report?

Edited July 12, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clarity

[dreamingoftigers]

She might not be back for a bit.

 

Realistically, she's very attached to MM and we are all a chorus of text on pages on the interwebs that MM could argue "we don't REALLY know either one of them."

 

However, this relational pattern is as old as "Boy meets girl......"

[Owl]

Which is why "Leave him!" should never be the only solution offered. Helping a poster sort out what they want and offering them support whether they want to stay in or leave the relationship is much more beneficial than handing out a ready-made solution.

 

This is where the beauty of LS comes in.

 

This is your opinion.

 

Others (such as myself) have different opinions.

 

LS allows for the expression of all of them.

 

Sometime that "ready made solution" actually IS the right fit. There's a reason it's a "ready made solution" to begin with.

 

My opinion is that "leave him" is nearly always the right answer. I believe it well could be in this case as well...as it sounds to me like Rosie is NOT this guy's priority...and frankly, she's not likely to be accepted by his children...ever.

 

I DO hope that this works out the best way it can for all involved. Unfortunately...once an affair starts...SOMEONE is bound to get hurt. Pretty much unavoidable.

[Owl]

Which is no difference from other relationships. There's always a price to pay for love. If nothing else, when one of you dies.

 

Perhaps...but with other relationships, the only people truly "destined" to pay that price are the two involved in that relationship.

 

In an affair...three pay the price. Often, one of them unwittingly/unknowingly. To me...there's a drastic difference.

[William]

Thread starter, if you desire more input on your issue, alert on this post and request a re-opening of the thread. Thanks.