He's on vacation with his kids

[alexandria35]

HE RUINED HIS OWN REPUTATION BY HAVING HIS AFFAIRS!!! Why would she be under any obligation to lie and cover up his dirty deeds? Honestly you two are so delusional it's beyond words.

 

Hey heres something you should watch

 

My Wife is Mean to Attorneys - YouTube

 

these are funny but I used to think that they were just over the top and that no MM and OW were really like this, but now you have me reconsidering

[Furious]

I would tell her to do what made her happy. The thing is, he makes me happy and I feel so special with him. It's all the other stuff that makes it miserable.

 

 

Don't have children.

[alexandria35]

actually this is my favorite one. I laughed till my sides hurt.

 

 

My Wife is a Pottymouth - YouTube

[frozensprouts]

Rosie,

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad and so mixed up right now...but perhaps it's better to feel that way now, and get that sorted out, than it would be to be facing these feeling later, when you are even more emotionally invested.

 

as for the talk of his wife...

 

Look at it this way...

 

you married man is trying to blame everything on his wife, and you are too...I can understand this, as by doing so, you avoid placing blame on him and seeing him for what he is- but look at it this way...

 

reverse the situation and look at it form his wife's point of view- is mostly your fault that the affair happened, that her family is being split up, that she is unhappy. Whom should she feel is responsible? You? Him? Herself? If your answers are hm and herself, then how can you blame her for the way you feel or for the negative aspects of your relationship with her husband?

The negatives in the relationship are because of two people- you, because you got into a relationship with a married man, but 99% is on him- because he is acting like a complete ass, and dragging you, his wife, and even his children right down with him...as long as his needs are being met, he doesn't care .

I'll also let you in on a secret that is so often told to betrayed spouses, but it also applies to other men/women too- as long as you keep blaming your "rival" ( his wife) for his actions, things will never, ever get better for you

[nofool4u]

I do not know what to think or do. I love him but he does have a history. How can I make sure it does't happen to me?

 

Find a single guy who doesn't cheat at the slightest hint of boredom with the same woman for any extended period of time.

 

If you think after a few years of being with you, that you won't be the same old same old, and that he won't be looking for the excitement of bedding down someone new, think again.

[skywriter]

Yes, he's cheated before but he never fell in love with an affair partner before. I've never cheated at all before so I guess this one is a romantic one for me.

 

Right, because he said so.... I understand where you're coming from with the romantic involvement, as my first and only A, (and being a female), I got romatically involved too.

 

I'm much older though, 48 yrs old. So I finally realised I needed to dig down deep and get my head out of the clouds. The A is over, and I can see it for the A for what it wasn't. Reality!

[rosieisblue]

HE RUINED HIS OWN REPUTATION BY HAVING HIS AFFAIRS!!! Why would she be under any obligation to lie and cover up his dirty deeds? Honestly you two are so delusional it's beyond words.

 

Hey heres something you should watch

 

My Wife is Mean to Attorneys - YouTube

 

these are funny but I used to think that they were just over the top and that no MM and OW were really like this, but now you have me reconsidering

 

Ok, yes he brought this on himself but why tell everyone? Why ruin the reputation of her children's father? Do they need to know this about him? Myabe they do. I don't know. It is just all so ugly and I feel like I'm in some weird drama that I don't want to be a part of.

 

I'm starting to feel like whomever said that I am being used as a soft spot for him to land is right. Maybe he needs me to act as a barrier from dealing with her or his problems. I don't know, but it's starting to feel like that. It's all fun with me and then he doesn't have to think about his problems or something.

 

I don't think I'll know, though, until the D goes through and it's all settled down.

[rosieisblue]

You will go down in history as the first mom that advices her daughter to date a MM.:laugh::laugh:

 

Are we assuming that the MM is a billionaire?

 

Your guy is broke.

 

He makes a very good salary but more than half goes to her and the kids. He's had a successful career but the last few years have been a bit rough for him, I think. Things stalled a bit but now it looks like it might be looking up.

 

I wouldn't advise a daughter to have an affair but if she did I would try not to judge but tell her to be happy and make sure she was safe.

[lovinmylife]

Hello, everyone. I have been reading this and many other threads, and usually I read in silence, I could not stay quiet any longer. First off, forgive me if this has already been discussed and may have missed it, but did you say dday was about 7 or 8 months ago? And around dday you guys were previously talking about eventually leaving your partners in about 7 months into the future. But you also said (if I remember correctly) that he was planning a trip with her this summer, which is roughly 7 months into the future. So, if I am remembering ur story correctly, it sounds like he was still planning to be in the marital home.

 

Also you mention that he claims to "hate" her. Very strong word. But he only says it is because of how she acted AFTER finding out about the affair? He does not hate her. He is trying to save face without taking responsibility for what he DID to her. Just like any intense emotion in a fight in a marriage, his "hating her" will subside as well. Think about it, when you do not love someone, you react with indifference, not passion. I am sorry but actions speak louder than words. His actions are saying that he still loves her and did not want to be kicked out. But he is only saying he loves you. He could have told the same story to his other affair partners. It takes more than love to make a relationship work. Just like he is blaming her, he will eventually blame you in the future.

[amaysngrace]

Okay true story...my sister started teaching right out of college...another teacher there got to know her and they'd talk in the faculty room and he decided he really liked her...problem was that he was engaged and owned a condo with this chick...he knew my sister deserved more respect than him taking her out while he had all this going on so know what he did?

 

He broke up with his fiancée and asked my sister out.

 

They just celebrated their 22nd Anniversay and THAT'S how a good man operates. BTW he was in his twenties when he made that choice.

[lovinmylife]

Any chance Rosie could be a troll?

 

Playing the roll of a naive OW on purpose.

 

One would hope, but a lot of women around her age have a naive outlook in relationships

[rosieisblue]

Hello, everyone. I have been reading this and many other threads, and usually I read in silence, I could not stay quiet any longer. First off, forgive me if this has already been discussed and may have missed it, but did you say dday was about 7 or 8 months ago? And around dday you guys were previously talking about eventually leaving your partners in about 7 months into the future. But you also said (if I remember correctly) that he was planning a trip with her this summer, which is roughly 7 months into the future. So, if I am remembering ur story correctly, it sounds like he was still planning to be in the marital home.

 

Also you mention that he claims to "hate" her. Very strong word. But he only says it is because of how she acted AFTER finding out about the affair? He does not hate her. He is trying to save face without taking responsibility for what he DID to her. Just like any intense emotion in a fight in a marriage, his "hating her" will subside as well. Think about it, when you do not love someone, you react with indifference, not passion. I am sorry but actions speak louder than words. His actions are saying that he still loves her and did not want to be kicked out. But he is only saying he loves you. He could have told the same story to his other affair partners. It takes more than love to make a relationship work. Just like he is blaming her, he will eventually blame you in the future.

 

Ok, I never even thought about that. I never even considered the time frame of the trip or our plans. I guess we were throwing around a time line but it wasn't set in stone but still, I never thought about that.

 

His wife said to me, when she first found out about me, that he just wanted a sidepiece, that he probablly did have feelings but didn't want to get caught and his other affairs probably didn't mean anything and maybe I did but he was going through a lot of stuff, was hitting middle age and wanted to start over, with no baggage.

 

Am I his midlife crisis? Is this this much of a cliche? Oh my god, he dresses diferently, he's jogging now, he has rejected his wife, he hates her but he still emails with her almost every day at work.

 

Is this really just his midlife crisis? She's said that to me but I didn't take it sesriously. Oh my god, what am I going to do? We have a trip planned! I'm starting to feel like it really could have been anyone, it's just that I was bored and was there at the right time.

[rosieisblue]

Any chance Rosie could be a troll?

 

Playing the roll of a naive OW on purpose.

 

I'm not a troll. I'm trying to figure out my life because there is hardly anyone in real life I can talk about my doubts to after telling everyone how great he is, we're the love of each other's lives, it's perfect and everything else.

 

since he went on vacation I'm having doubts about so much and am worried I've gotten into something that is too much for me.

[dreamingoftigers]

Ok, yes he brought this on himself but why tell everyone? Why ruin the reputation of her children's father? Do they need to know this about him? Myabe they do. I don't know. It is just all so ugly and I feel like I'm in some weird drama that I don't want to be a part of.

 

I'm starting to feel like whomever said that I am being used as a soft spot for him to land is right. Maybe he needs me to act as a barrier from dealing with her or his problems. I don't know, but it's starting to feel like that. It's all fun with me and then he doesn't have to think about his problems or something.

 

I don't think I'll know, though, until the D goes through and it's all settled down.

 

It blows my mind when people blame the BS for "ruining the reputation" of the other spouse. If his precious reputation meant so much, perhaps he shouldn't be providing so much fodder to tell.

[jade4071]

I understood when it first happened that it would be diffficult and ugly at times but now it's been 8 months and I would htink things would settle down. In some ways they have, as they're finally moving towards D but in other ways she just keeps stirring up trouble with her demands.

 

I just want them to sort out their settlement and then everyone can let go.

 

I don't expect her to hand him over to me, he was already gone before she found out. He told her right away, when she discovered the texts, that he had feelings for me and it was big.

 

Iknow that affairs can be horrible and very hard for families but we can't change what happened, we can't get in a time machine and change our choices. We can only deal with what we have right now, which is our love for each other and a lot of angry, pissed off people

 

He was not already gone before she found out - not in the literal sense - and he fessed up after she discovered the texts, not before. If she had not found out on her own you can bet your vacation money he would still be a living a double life shaped the way he wanted it to be - meaning he would be running the show, not his BS and not you.

 

20 years in a marriage and only 8 months since d-day you expect she should just be moving on happily? That is, of course, after his BS has to face how she will deal with her financial future, dealing with her anger about being horribly deceived by her kids' father, deal with her kids not being happy about what their father has chosen and he can't even pay proper attention to them when he is supposed to be with them. You also want her to bow out of the family so you can wiggle your way in there and also want her to stop making demands of any kind beyond a settlement. This woman's life has been turned upside down, sideways and back again.....but eight months, sure, that's enough time to get over it all .

 

Once the D is over there are going to be more demands. There will always be more demands. In a situation like this, with a MM such as he is, his BS will unfortunately always have to demand from him rather than just ask or negotiate. Your MM doesn't see any money going to the BS as supporting his children, he sees it as supporting his BS - something he doesn't feel like doing anymore. Regardless of the fact he was supporting them all prior to him screwing around with you, and while screwing around with others, but now he decides everything's going to change - and he made that decision behind her back. Now that everything's changed she's supposed to go from being a SAHM to completely financially self-sufficient so she doesn't impose on your vacation and lives in general?

 

While I think you are completely and utterly wrong for even thinking these things about this woman, I also wonder why you even want to be in this situation? Kids who hate you, a MM who will begin blaming you when his kids stop wanting to see him, a growing financial mess that'll likely go on for years before it gets sorted out. If and when you have kids with this man, you won't have the opportunity to be a SAHM because you'll need to keep working to keep everything afloat. Most of his money will go to supporting his kids, and rightly so, while you keep working to pay for everything he can't because of the responsibilities he had before you. Even if the money situation ends up being better than expected later on, your MM may not want you to be a SAHM after going through this divorce with his BS. Post divorce some people decide all those financial entanglements aren't worth it the next time around. All the while you'll be spending any extra energy you may have keeping a close eye on your MM. Oh yes, and keeping that passion alive. Because the onus is on you to make sure he gets that attention, passion, and everything else he needs.

 

Yep, I guess this sounds WAY less boring than a comfortable relationship with someone nearer your own age with far less responsibilities.

[dreamingoftigers]

Ok, I never even thought about that. I never even considered the time frame of the trip or our plans. I guess we were throwing around a time line but it wasn't set in stone but still, I never thought about that.

 

His wife said to me, when she first found out about me, that he just wanted a sidepiece, that he probablly did have feelings but didn't want to get caught and his other affairs probably didn't mean anything and maybe I did but he was going through a lot of stuff, was hitting middle age and wanted to start over, with no baggage.

 

Am I his midlife crisis? Is this this much of a cliche? Oh my god, he dresses diferently, he's jogging now, he has rejected his wife, he hates her but he still emails with her almost every day at work.

 

Is this really just his midlife crisis? She's said that to me but I didn't take it sesriously. Oh my god, what am I going to do? We have a trip planned! I'm starting to feel like it really could have been anyone, it's just that I was bored and was there at the right time.

 

For some reason, I thought that you kind of knew that already. Guess I wasn't paying attention enough, you have said over and over that it is because he fell in love with you.

 

As you get older and have more LTRs, you realize that real love comes after the thick and thin and is a lot more then sexual passion and limerance.

 

Real love is grounded and based in respect and makes space for both partners to be themselves and yet be able to depend on one another.

 

This man pulled you into his own personal trainwreck. He wasn't just disrespectful to his wife, he was disrespectful by involving a much-younger person with far less relational experience who was vulnerable to the attention and excitement of what he could offer. It isn't a fair case at all.

 

He knows what a marriage and family are from the inside out. He knows how much that time is worth and what you could be doing during your youth. Instead of respecting that time and phase of your life, he is draining it.

 

I know that a lot of people on here may blah blah blah and say that I am being ageist, or critical or whatever.

 

I am 30. You can't rewind your twenties. It's your youth, it's a one-time deal and these older men know that. They want to relive it with younger women over and over because they often can't accept the fact that it's gone and they somewhere along the line missed the growing up part.

 

You should be out experiencing finding someone without all of this crappy baggage that you click with. Not worrying about whether or not his children/family/ work colleagues will accept your relationship and hoping his wife will disappear.

 

When a married man is seeing someone on the side there is something really missing inside of him. To be completely honest, my marriage has generally sucked and it has made a lot of outside prospects look like they might be more fun. Be the truth of the matter is, anyone in a marriage who can't see just how messy and disastrous it would be to go outside the walls without properly ending things is an idiot.

 

He needs somewhere to fall right now because he's made the biggest mess ever. And his kids are never going to forget that.

 

In over your head? I think so. People 30+ years older have trouble remarrying from an affair with grace. My aunt did it. But everyone knew that my uncle was messing around for years and that they both were on each other. (there may even be an illegitimate son of his, but no one wants to really mention it, and I ain't about it ask)

 

My aunt and new uncle were extremely discreet and she waited years after (old uncle) died (like a decade) before moving in with him. Technically they've been dating since the 80s and just got married 5 years ago.

 

My uncle G (her younger brother) laughs about it quite a bit. But that was a looonngg transition. And my uncle's been in the ground since I was 12 or 13.

 

AND NONE OF THEM HAVE CHILDREN.

[jade4071]

Also....midlife crisis or not, your MM may not be all that thrilled about settling down with you. After all this drama settles down and their divorce proceeds, etc, he may decide that being single (getting sex with multiple women, no strings attached) is more appealing than possibly going from the frying pan into the fire with you. In his mind you may move from being the exciting OW to just another person in his life making demands of him. Because you will, eventually. You're bound to him now in a way that is "us against her" and eventually that "exciting drama" will subside and boring old reality comes back.

[rosieisblue]

He was not already gone before she found out - not in the literal sense - and he fessed up after she discovered the texts, not before. If she had not found out on her own you can bet your vacation money he would still be a living a double life shaped the way he wanted it to be - meaning he would be running the show, not his BS and not you.

 

20 years in a marriage and only 8 months since d-day you expect she should just be moving on happily? That is, of course, after his BS has to face how she will deal with her financial future, dealing with her anger about being horribly deceived by her kids' father, deal with her kids not being happy about what their father has chosen and he can't even pay proper attention to them when he is supposed to be with them. You also want her to bow out of the family so you can wiggle your way in there and also want her to stop making demands of any kind beyond a settlement. This woman's life has been turned upside down, sideways and back again.....but eight months, sure, that's enough time to get over it all .

 

Once the D is over there are going to be more demands. There will always be more demands. In a situation like this, with a MM such as he is, his BS will unfortunately always have to demand from him rather than just ask or negotiate. Your MM doesn't see any money going to the BS as supporting his children, he sees it as supporting his BS - something he doesn't feel like doing anymore. Regardless of the fact he was supporting them all prior to him screwing around with you, and while screwing around with others, but now he decides everything's going to change - and he made that decision behind her back. Now that everything's changed she's supposed to go from being a SAHM to completely financially self-sufficient so she doesn't impose on your vacation and lives in general?

 

While I think you are completely and utterly wrong for even thinking these things about this woman, I also wonder why you even want to be in this situation? Kids who hate you, a MM who will begin blaming you when his kids stop wanting to see him, a growing financial mess that'll likely go on for years before it gets sorted out. If and when you have kids with this man, you won't have the opportunity to be a SAHM because you'll need to keep working to keep everything afloat. Most of his money will go to supporting his kids, and rightly so, while you keep working to pay for everything he can't because of the responsibilities he had before you. Even if the money situation ends up being better than expected later on, your MM may not want you to be a SAHM after going through this divorce with his BS. Post divorce some people decide all those financial entanglements aren't worth it the next time around. All the while you'll be spending any extra energy you may have keeping a close eye on your MM. Oh yes, and keeping that passion alive. Because the onus is on you to make sure he gets that attention, passion, and everything else he needs.

 

Yep, I guess this sounds WAY less boring than a comfortable relationship with someone nearer your own age with far less responsibilities.

 

I have no intention of ever being a SAHM. I have a good education and a good career that I'm working hard at and plan on continuing to work at.

 

I just think I need to get out of this. Maybe see him once in awhile but get out of this situation. His wife is never going to be out of the picture and his kids are always going to be there and you're right, the money situation is going to go on forever.

 

I wish I hadn't done this. I really do.

[skywriter]

he hates her but he still emails with her almost every day at work.

 

Big ole red flag a flying! Beware the MM, that "hates" his wife and still emails her everyday!

[jade4071]

I have no intention of ever being a SAHM. I have a good education and a good career that I'm working hard at and plan on continuing to work at.

 

I just think I need to get out of this. Maybe see him once in awhile but get out of this situation. His wife is never going to be out of the picture and his kids are always going to be there and you're right, the money situation is going to go on forever.

 

I wish I hadn't done this. I really do.

 

A lot of women don't plan on being SAHM's but that thought plan may change when and if you have kids. Having a baby you want to spend every minute with is a lot different than surmising what you may or may not want in the future. Your whole world changes when you have kids and you have no way of knowing how you'll feel until you're there. It would be a cold, hard reality for you to figure out you CAN'T stay home because of everything that came before you. No options but one, sounds like a prison sentence to me.

[rosieisblue]

he hates her but he still emails with her almost every day at work.

 

Big ole red flag a flying! Beware the MM, that "hates" his wife and still emails her everyday!

 

Well, it's because they don't speak and it's how they're handling the discussions about selling the home and the settlement.

[rosieisblue]

A lot of women don't plan on being SAHM's but that thought plan may change when and if you have kids. Having a baby you want to spend every minute with is a lot different than surmising what you may or may not want in the future. Your whole world changes when you have kids and you have no way of knowing how you'll feel until you're there. It would be a cold, hard reality for you to figure out you CAN'T stay home because of everything that came before you. No options but one, sounds like a prison sentence to me.

 

I have never wanted to be a SAHM. I want to work and have a career and a family as well, but my work is important to me and defines me in a lot of ways. I went to school a long time to get the education I wanted so I could have this career and I'm not giving it up.

[amaysngrace]

 

I wish I hadn't done this. I really do.

 

But you did and that's okay...everyone makes mistakes.

 

The main problem is this older guy is dragging you into his mistakes.

 

It's not too late to get out Rosie. You have your whole life ahead of you and the choices you make now will determine what your life will be like years from now

 

Choose function over dysfunction.

 

I know your family history is dysfunctional and unfortunately dysfunction is passed on from generation to generation but you can break that cycle if you so choose.

[rosieisblue]

But you did and that's okay...everyone makes mistakes.

 

The main problem is this older guy is dragging you into his mistakes.

 

It's not too late to get out Rosie. You have your whole life ahead of you and the choices you make now will determine what your life will be like years from now

 

Choose function over dysfunction.

 

I know your family history is dysfunctional and unfortunately dysfunction is passed on from generation to generation but you can break that cycle if you so choose.

 

I wish I knew how without another big upheavel. I wish I had never planned that vacation with him but it was so fun deciding where to go and we were both looking forward to it so much. What do I do about that? Just not go and lose the money?

 

This is going to be hard, really hard.

[MissBee]

Sorry, don't know if I can stop loving MM. BF is just a nice guy who shared my early twenties with me. I am fond of him still, just don't have that passion and spark that I have with MM:

 

But Rosie...

 

Your boyfriend was someone you dated for 4/5 years. Your MM is someone you've had an affair with for 5 months then an out in the open R for 7 months.

 

Didn't you have spark and passion with your bf initially too? You said it was only the last 6 months with your bf that you became bored. So it took you over the 3 year mark to grow tired.

 

Don't you at least think it is a possibility that you haven't known MM for that long. You still feel like the OW. The excitement passion and drama are thus at an all time high...but at some point...like at the 3 year plus mark, you'd probably be tired of him too?

 

How is the start of this relationship any different than your past one? Except for the immense drama?