He's on vacation with his kids

[MissBee]

So if he cheated multiple times and you don't consider him a serial cheater then what do you consider a serial cheater?.

 

Good question...

[rosieisblue]

Rosie...isn't it a red flag to you that he only ever stops cheating when his wife catches him???? Had she not kicked him out when she found out about you, he'd still be with her now. Just like in the past with every other case. Some men are unhappy and don't cheat...so why should your MM get a special pass, MULTIPLE times? Don't you think over 3 times is a pattern?

 

Also don't you think his marriage problems are also on him? You said his wife didn't change...did HE? Or was he the perfect one and she didn't change. I'm sure he's blamed it all on her but any smart woman knows that there is his side, her side and the truth and any smart woman should be leery of a man who seems to always be in the right or always the victim of other people.

 

Writing it makes it look bad...because it is. It's easy for us to see because we aren't inlove with him so have no emotional investment in only seeing the good. I think you should take whatever the wife says and file it away as important info. His wife seems GLAD to be rid of him and his antics. I don't think she is trying to ruin things for you...in fact, I'm sure she's content knowing that at some point you will be her. Reminds me of my ex. I never spoke to his gfs about him and his antics...and I'm sure had I, they would have labeled me the bitter ex. But whenever he got some new one, I would shake my head because she thought she was so special and would be there forever...and sure enough, she wasn't and was like every other. But they had to live and learn and maybe so will you. But critical thinking about your partner is GOOD! You should think critically about him and read in black and white his behavior and what his wife has to say.

 

You still haven't said if you discussed primary values and things outside of fun and games...in your very first thread and this one, every time you talk about your relationship it's all stuff that is not at all deep or foundational: playing games, cooking, jogging, going to the gym, eating pizza...I mean what does that have to do with love or a relationship being able to withstand life's storms??? You can do that with ANYONE! So what else is there besides having shared activities or interests?

 

 

 

He's a man-child IMO, which is also why he probably likes you, not to be rude, but you seem very child-like and trusting and seem less critical than his wife would be...you seem more focused on fun and I'm sure he loves that. He is a man-child who got bored when his kids came along and now he had to be a grown man and everything couldn't be about fun, romance and sex, so he got bored and unhappy and started seeking fun outside of his responsibilites and it is ALL his wife's fault . That's not a good look at all IMO.

 

I understand you love him. But unfortunately loving someone doesn't make them any less of who they are. People can change...but they don't change spontaneously, neither can we make them change and if change isn't something THEY want and are working towards...then hoping for it won't make it happen and us pushing it won't make it happen.

 

Neither of us are religious so we don't talk about that other than we don't believe in religion. His wife knew about one affair (with her co worker) but didn't know about the others until she found out about me. Then she went into his email and everything and figured out the rest.

 

Primary values: we both believe in family (he's close to his and I'm close to mine), we both believe in friendships and loyalty and being good people. Sounds funny to say that but I never wanted to hurt anyone and neither did he. He was so sorry he hurt her and told her that but she was so angry and still is, I think.

 

I don't think she is done with him, I htink she still wants him and rages at him alot over what has happened.

 

I'm not childlike. I have just turned 26 years old and own my own apartment and have a good career started and am doing really well. I lived with my BF for almost five years and know what it's like to be in a long relationship. I am trusting because he hasn't given me any reason to not trust him in our relationship.

 

I don't know. It all happened so fast, almost before we were ready to take that next step. We were going slowly, we were taking time to get to know each other, we were trying to make sure that our love was strong before we made the move to leave our partners. Now it's all happened so quickly because she told everyone so we weren't able to do it our way, which was to go slowly and try to hurt others as little as possible.

 

He doesn't regret it though. He says he's sorry it happened the way it did but he's not sorry it happened, because he wasn't happy with her. He's very sorry his kids got hurt so badly but if she hadn't told them they would hurt less, I think. She did that to hurt him, without thinking of the kids. I wish she hadn't freaked out so much because it's made everything so much more compliated.

 

I am glad she told me about his affairs beause it gave us a chance to talk about it and he's made it clear why they happened, he's honest about things and open and that does make me feel like he is changed.

 

 

But is he really? Right now it's so good with us but now I think about a few years from now. Crap.

[rosieisblue]

So if he cheated multiple times and you don't consider him a serial cheater then what do you consider a serial cheater?.

 

Someone who cheats al the time, with anyone. He hasn't done that. He made one big mistake and then a few little ones but it was all when the marriage was already breaking down. He stayed a lot longer than he should have.

 

And I don't think he'd still be with her if she hadn't thrown him out. We were planning on leaving our partners maybe 6 or 8 months down the road. It just happened much quicker than we wanted.

 

I need to talk to someone who knows him but they all know her so it's hard.

[MissBee]

Neither of us are religious so we don't talk about that other than we don't believe in religion. His wife knew about one affair (with her co worker) but didn't know about the others until she found out about me. Then she went into his email and everything and figured out the rest.

 

Primary values: we both believe in family (he's close to his and I'm close to mine), we both believe in friendships and loyalty and being good people. Sounds funny to say that but I never wanted to hurt anyone and neither did he. He was so sorry he hurt her and told her that but she was so angry and still is, I think.

 

I don't think she is done with him, I htink she still wants him and rages at him alot over what has happened.

 

I'm not childlike. I have just turned 26 years old and own my own apartment and have a good career started and am doing really well. I lived with my BF for almost five years and know what it's like to be in a long relationship. I am trusting because he hasn't given me any reason to not trust him in our relationship.

 

I don't know. It all happened so fast, almost before we were ready to take that next step. We were going slowly, we were taking time to get to know each other, we were trying to make sure that our love was strong before we made the move to leave our partners. Now it's all happened so quickly because she told everyone so we weren't able to do it our way, which was to go slowly and try to hurt others as little as possible.

 

He doesn't regret it though. He says he's sorry it happened the way it did but he's not sorry it happened, because he wasn't happy with her. He's very sorry his kids got hurt so badly but if she hadn't told them they would hurt less, I think. She did that to hurt him, without thinking of the kids. I wish she hadn't freaked out so much because it's made everything so much more compliated.

 

I am glad she told me about his affairs beause it gave us a chance to talk about it and he's made it clear why they happened, he's honest about things and open and that does make me feel like he is changed.

 

 

But is he really? Right now it's so good with us but now I think about a few years from now. Crap.

 

I meant your mentality seems very young and child-like...not whether or not you are 26 or have an apartment or lived with a man. You can do all of that and still have a young mentality.

 

But really, good luck with everything. Keep your eyes and ears open and report back as time passes.

[pteromom]

I need to talk to someone who knows him but they all know her so it's hard.

 

No you don't. You need to pay attention to what he has shown of himself. Not just in your relationship with him, but his life patterns.

 

His pattern is that when things get rough, he bails and looks for fulfillment elsewhere.

 

Things are great with you right now, so he's not cheating (that you know of). But what happens when you have a huge argument? What happens if you get sick and can't have sex? What happens if you break your leg and gain 20 pounds because you can't work out? What happens if you end up pregnant and can't prioritize his needs?

 

He has SHOWN, not once, but many times, that when things get rough, he gets selfish and takes care of his needs rather than putting his needs on the back burner because he loves his partner, and because he has integrity.

 

Huge. Red. Flags.

 

The only person it may be helpful to talk to is his wife. And there is a good reason he doesn't want you talking to her. She knows his secrets. She knows the truth about half-truths he has shared with you. She knows his part in the demise of their relationship.

 

I'd go ahead and talk to her. What do you have to lose?

 

And you DO sound young. Ok, maybe not young as much as lovestruck and naive. You think you can change someone's nature simply by being wonderful. It doesn't work that way. No matter what you do, he is still who he is.

 

I would proceed very cautiously with this. I would proceed cautiously with anything that entangles your finances/possessions. I would proceed VERY cautiously with birth control. I would proceed cautiously with your heart. Stay loving, but don't hand him your heart on a platter. Stay smart.

[rosieisblue]

Thanks, I will.

 

I have a lot of thinking to do and I'm not sure what I want right now. I need time to think and figure this out. I need to talk to him without anyone around and make sure that he is reallycommitted. He says he is and he loves me very much but I guess we need to talk about the future more.

 

I need to think about the holidays and what that will mean. If his kids won't meet me it means that I don't see him on Christmas. We went away last New Years Eve (it was our first real trip and my bf and I had just broken up) so I think his wife will want this New Years Eve and that means that I won' tsee him at all except on the days in between.

 

I just don't know how long we can do the sepaate lives thing before something has to give.

[rosieisblue]

No you don't. You need to pay attention to what he has shown of himself. Not just in your relationship with him, but his life patterns.

 

His pattern is that when things get rough, he bails and looks for fulfillment elsewhere.

 

Things are great with you right now, so he's not cheating (that you know of). But what happens when you have a huge argument? What happens if you get sick and can't have sex? What happens if you break your leg and gain 20 pounds because you can't work out? What happens if you end up pregnant and can't prioritize his needs?

 

He has SHOWN, not once, but many times, that when things get rough, he gets selfish and takes care of his needs rather than putting his needs on the back burner because he loves his partner, and because he has integrity.

 

Huge. Red. Flags.

 

The only person it may be helpful to talk to is his wife. And there is a good reason he doesn't want you talking to her. She knows his secrets. She knows the truth about half-truths he has shared with you. She knows his part in the demise of their relationship.

 

I'd go ahead and talk to her. What do you have to lose?

 

And you DO sound young. Ok, maybe not young as much as lovestruck and naive. You think you can change someone's nature simply by being wonderful. It doesn't work that way. No matter what you do, he is still who he is.

 

I would proceed very cautiously with this. I would proceed cautiously with anything that entangles your finances/possessions. I would proceed VERY cautiously with birth control. I would proceed cautiously with your heart. Stay loving, but don't hand him your heart on a platter. Stay smart.

 

I don't want to talk to his wife. It's too weird and awkward to even think about. We've spoken on the phone once and she was very calm and nice but it was like talking to my mother. It's just too weird. I'd rather keep my distance. She is the kid's parent and that's about it as far as it impacts me or me adn MM. These are their problems to figure out and I don't want anything to do with it.

[rosieisblue]

Rosie:

 

A little not well known secret:

 

Romance is more exciting when you are battling the odds and you are in an EMR. The secrecy may seem like a pain in the rear, but it secretly fuels the passion. Every clandestine meeting is special as it could be the last one. The relationship becomes a constant perennial chase and we know the chase is the most exciting part. In summary LOVE feeds on uncertainty about the relationship. Did your exBF had hysterical bonding with you?

 

But, now you are approaching a situation where MM will be on your face 24/7. You are past d-day and he is getting a divorce. I am reminded of really wanting a nice car and being ho hum about the car after the honeymoon is over. At that point you don't wash the car that often.

But we haven't been an 'affair' for months. We're out in the open, everyone knows.

 

I guess me and BF had hysterical bonding after her first contact with him but it only made me realize that it wasn't going to work and I think he realized that it was over as well. the only person who didn't realize for awhile was his wife, who thought they could save their family but mm was done, completely ready to move on with me.

[jwi71]

By the time we have a family of our own I think his kids will be nearly grown and out on their own, or at least off to study or work.

 

So if nearly grown means the youngest hits 18 - or 7 years.

For the next 7 years this is your "dual life" - the time you can be together and the times, due to his kids not accepting you, you cannot. Does this also mean you only get 3 Christmas' together in the next 7 years? Because if the alternate holidays, he will get them, lets say 4 times (4 out of 7 Christmas with him, the others with the stbxw).

 

Does it also mean you don't get live together for 7 years?

 

Or marriage?

 

I know you dont think you will be stepmom - but if you continue to refuse, the above is your future. Actually, if I were dating a woman who refused to accept my children - she'd be history. And, in time, your MM may face a horrible choice - one you don't win.

 

I don't want kids right now so it's not an issue.

 

Actually its THE ISSUE. This very thread is about "the kids".

You may not want them but you got 'em.

 

I would strongly reconsider your outlook here.

 

And I don't think we'll move in for awhile and when we do they'll be a bit older (a year or two) and then they'll both be teenagers doing their thing.

 

So, where you go when his kids come to visit?

(My assumption, of course, is they still hate you).

 

And its a good assumption really. You have repeatedly said you will "have nothing to do with them" - so how can they change their opinion of you?

 

I would suggest therapy (MM refuses), time together (you and the kids refuse) and time - its a slow process. Doing nothing isnt likely to help.

 

It's not like we go out all the time, we do home things as well--cooking, watching tv, reading, hanging out, working out, talking, going for walks...normal stuff.

 

I was referring to cooking for 4, not two.

Laundry for four, enforcing their curfew, helping with homework and all...

 

We have a great routine and it works when we're together. And when we're not we're in constant touch. We fell in love so quickly and we were able to make something of it once my BF and I broke up. MM was living in a tiny aprtment and we still had a great time together, playing Yahtzi, having pizza, talking, getting tto know each other better. It was serious very quickly because we fell in love so fast and it wasn't the sort of thing that could be just a 'dating' relationship. We were together and that was that. It was so natural

.

 

 

I get it.

Been there myself, more than once actually.

 

Except THAT isnt reality.

Reality is him and the kids.

 

You keep saying its "not your problem" then you post a thread about how "the kids" are making problems....

 

Have you directly informed your MM that you want nothing to do with his children? By that I mean, you wont raise them/nurture them as best you can?

[rosieisblue]

Also, he's not in my face 24/7. We work together and although we see alot of each other at work (small office) we have our own things to get on with. And we don't see each other every night after work because he has the kids a few times a week.

 

So it's still time apart and that gives me room to do my thing.

[rosieisblue]

So if nearly grown means the youngest hits 18 - or 7 years.

For the next 7 years this is your "dual life" - the time you can be together and the times, due to his kids not accepting you, you cannot. Does this also mean you only get 3 Christmas' together in the next 7 years? Because if the alternate holidays, he will get them, lets say 4 times (4 out of 7 Christmas with him, the others with the stbxw).

 

Does it also mean you don't get live together for 7 years?

 

Or marriage?

 

I don't know how that's going to work, we're still figuring it out. It's going to take time. I am hoping they can split christmas-she takes part of the day and he takes part. Then he can spend part of it with me.

 

I know you dont think you will be stepmom - but if you continue to refuse, the above is your future. Actually, if I were dating a woman who refused to accept my children - she'd be history. And, in time, your MM may face a horrible choice - one you don't win.

 

i'm not asking him to choose and maybe I said it teh wrong way. What i mean is that the kids already have their parents so I'm just going to be his partner, there to support him with them. I accept them and want to be part of things with them but can't force them to like me.

 

Actually its THE ISSUE. This very thread is about "the kids".

You may not want them but you got 'em.

 

I would strongly reconsider your outlook here.

 

They're not my kids, they're his kids and that is his relationship. I will always be nice and kind to them.

 

So, where you go when his kids come to visit?

(My assumption, of course, is they still hate you).

 

And its a good assumption really. You have repeatedly said you will "have nothing to do with them" - so how can they change their opinion of you?

 

I don't think I've said I want nothing to do with them. I just don't see me filling a 'parent' roll with them

I would suggest therapy (MM refuses), time together (you and the kids refuse) and time - its a slow process. Doing nothing isnt likely to help.

 

 

 

I was referring to cooking for 4, not two.

Laundry for four, enforcing their curfew, helping with homework and all...

 

.That's for him to take care of, alhtough I*m happy to cook for everyone. But he will have to enforce curfews and homework and all that. I'm not planning on doing that stuff and he doesn't expect me to. To be honest they go to his wife's after school and do thier homework there so it's not really something he deals with right now.

 

 

I get it.

Been there myself, more than once actually.

 

Except THAT isnt reality.

Reality is him and the kids.

 

You keep saying its "not your problem" then you post a thread about how "the kids" are making problems....

 

Have you directly informed your MM that you want nothing to do with his children? By that I mean, you wont raise them/nurture them as best you can?

 

I just see myself as being there to support him and eventually being their friend. I don't see myself ever being their stepmother. That would never work and I've made that clear to his wife as soon as she said she wanted to 'help' me ease into that roll.

[nofool4u]

I'm sort of ok with this right now but how long will this last? How can we ever really be truly together if the kids are always there between us?

 

The kids aren't between you, they simply don't want anything to do with you. This sometimes comes with the territory of being the OW/OM. If you want to be with him, you'll have to accept this unless his kids change their mind.

 

The wife is completely moving towards divorce, so that's good.

 

Good for you maybe, but apparently isn't working out so great for his family.

 

 

I miss him so much right now, even though we're in touch with texting and such. He's having a great time with his kids but I wonder if we'll ever have that with them as a couple.

 

You might have that as they get older. But don't count on it. Hell, I know a guy that to this day won't even speak to his mom for having an affair on his dad. He needs to be glad they don't want to write him off as well.

 

How do I make this all work well? How do we get the kids to accept that I make him happy?

 

They don't care, right now, that you make him happy. All they care about if both you and he hurt their mother.

[nofool4u]

I don't resent them, I guess I just resent that because of the way the marriage ended they aren't able to see, and might not ever see, that the marriage was dead and over before I ever came on the scene. Why else would he have cheated on her before?

 

Because he's a cheating dog and its only a matter of time before he gets bored having sex with the same woman for long.

 

I'm sure you think you are different than the others he bed down behind his wife's back, and you may be. At least before the 7 year itch hits in about 4 or 5 years.

[woinlove]

 

I only know what the wife has told me and he has admitted to the cheating but says she has exagerated things. He had one affair with a woman she worked with and ended it when she found out. He recommitted to the marriage but was already unhappy and she didn't change. He cheated again about 10 months later, a quick fling at a work party. He had some FB flirtations with women he worked with but says they didn't go anywhere. Around when I met him he had some sort of kiss with a friend of hers, was FB flirting a bit and was planning to meet up with the party fling on a business trip but his wife found out everything the night before he left for that trip and that's where everything went crazy.

 

I am trusting because he hasn't given me any reason to not trust him in our relationship.

 

How is the bolded compatible with your statement about trust? Would you have known about his plans to hook up with his party fling if his W hadn't busted him and told you? The timeline to me looks like he went from planning to have a couple (or more) OW on the go, his W busted him, threw him out, and now he tells you it is just you. Maybe the only thing that has changed is that you no longer have his W monitoring everything to know if there is more than one OW. What makes you think he has given up all his other sexual/romantic interests since his W tossed him?

[rosieisblue]

How is the bolded compatible with your statement about trust? Would you have known about his plans to hook up with his party fling if his W hadn't busted him and told you? The timeline to me looks like he went from planning to have a couple (or more) OW on the go, his W busted him, threw him out, and now he tells you it is just you. Maybe the only thing that has changed is that you no longer have his W monitoring everything to know if there is more than one OW. What makes you think he has given up all his other sexual/romantic interests since his W tossed him?

 

I was sstill with my BF when he was going on that trip and we were just declaring our love for each other. That's was pissed her off: she found texts with him saying he loved me and she went nuts. The woman on the business trip was a fling from work from a couple of years ago and they were going to be in the same conference so he was planning on meeting her but he says it was not the way it looked, it was not about sex, it was about meeting an old friend, as they were friends for a long time.

 

He may have been trying to hook up with her but we were still with our other partners and I'm not sure I have the right to question that. Maybe I do, I don't know.

 

It's just all looking more weird all the time and I just need to think this through.

 

I don't think she monitored him much, he was always able to work late or go for a drink after work and she was at home and seemed to not care what he did. She went to bed early to read and got up early to do yoga or whatever and they were kind of living serparate lives.

[rosieisblue]

I'm quite sure he has no other involvements because if he's not with me he is with his kids.

[MissBee]

I'm quite sure he has no other involvements because if he's not with me he is with his kids.

 

I'm sure his wife was thinking the same thing all those times too.....

 

If he lived with her and was cheating, I imagine if he lives by himself (as he does now) and wanted to do that, he'd find a way and it would be even less obvious.

 

I'm not saying he is for a fact btw...I'm just saying with a serial cheater like him, who doesn't live with you and who you witnessed in an affair, as you were his OW...it's quite possible he is not just with you and the kids. It wouldn't be far-fetched at all for him to be FB chatting it up with other women while you're not around.

 

The story about his "old friend" he was going away with, who was a fling, sorry, no man goes to meet up with his "old fling" as a SECRET if it is friendly. But hey....

Edited July 6, 2012 by MissBee

[MissBee]

I don't think she monitored him much, he was always able to work late or go for a drink after work and she was at home and seemed to not care what he did. She went to bed early to read and got up early to do yoga or whatever and they were kind of living serparate lives.

 

This makes no sense to me. She is his wife....NOT mother or prison warden. Why should she monitor him???? Do you? Do you plan to monitor him? So because she goes to bed early and does yoga and he gets to have drinks after work means they lead separate lives and she doesn't care??? I don't know about you, but when I have a husband, I still hope to have a separate life and I hope to be able to do yoga, have a drink with friends and not have to monitor him or have him monitor me.

 

If the BS isn't supposedly controlling his every move (which is hilarious since these men are having secret As so how much control is there really), she isn't caring enough about him and not monitoring him enough. Smh...

 

I don't want to marry to become a man's babysitter or to be his sole source of entertainment in life. I want a romantic partner and bestfriend, but I also will have other friends and interests and don't expect to monitor or be monitored.

Edited July 6, 2012 by MissBee

[rosieisblue]

I do not know what to think or do. I love him but he does have a history. How can I make sure it does't happen to me? How can I get him to go to counseling? He says there's nothing wrong with him and that he is fine. His wife tried to get him to go to counseling on his own but he only went with her to help her deal with the break up. Then she wouldn't go with him again and that was that.

 

Crap and ****. I don't know what to do. I love him. How do I stop loving him? How can I end things with him? I don't think I can. I am absolutely in love. I just want this to work out.

[rosieisblue]

This makes no sense to me. She is his wife....NOT mother or prison warden. Why should she monitor him???? Do you? Do you plan to monitor him? So because she goes to bed early and does yoga and he gets to have drinks after work means they lead separate lives and she doesn't care??? I don't know about you, but when I have a husband, I still hope to have a separate life and I hope to be able to do yoga, have a drink with friends and not have to monitor him or have him monitor me.

 

If the BS isn't supposedly controlling his every move (which is hilarious since these men are having secret As so how much control is there really), she isn't caring enough about him and not monitoring him enough. Smh...

 

I don't want to marry to become a man's babysitter or to be his sole source of entertainment in life. I want a romantic partner and bestfriend, but I also will have other friends and interests and don't expect to monitor or be monitored.

 

I don't really know a lot about what went on with them other than a few things he told me. It just sounded like she was not really into the marriage or him and gave him very little attention or sex or love.

 

He was looking for a best freind and partner and says he found that in me.

[MissBee]

I do not know what to think or do. I love him but he does have a history. How can I make sure it does't happen to me? How can I get him to go to counseling? He says there's nothing wrong with him and that he is fine. His wife tried to get him to go to counseling on his own but he only went with her to help her deal with the break up. Then she wouldn't go with him again and that was that.

 

Crap and ****. I don't know what to do. I love him. How do I stop loving him? How can I end things with him? I don't think I can. I am absolutely in love. I just want this to work out.

 

The only way to make sure is to not be in a relationship with him. I'm not saying this is what you should do...I'm just saying that this is literally the only way to make sure. Other than that, you can't control what HE chooses to do. Thus far you've basically made it seem like it is his wife's fault and so long as you do everything right, he won't, but everyone has been trying to say that it doesn't work like that. It's not anything YOU can do...but his own choice and unless he chooses to change then you cannot stop him from one day choosing to cheat when he's bored. You can try to run yourself into the ground entertaining him and monitoring him...but that won't be pleasant. So you have to as a couple consciously address this. If he chooses not to get counseling...then that is also telling you something huge. That he has NO INTEREST in changing...and if he doesn't...love or no love...you may very well end up brokenhearted.

 

Rosie, you don't have to end things now. Most of us have been in red flag relationships or As before and know it is not as easy as seeing the truth and then leaving immediately. What people are saying is that you should open your eyes and ask more questions, seek couple's counseling and be more proactive instead of bury your head in the sand saying "la la la, i'm fit and pretty and exciting and he won't cheat on me". I know you want it to work out...most of us when we had As or even regular relationships, we want it to work out, but sometimes it is better off if it doesn't. However, you have to come to that point for yourself and all you can do now is take things slow, use birth control and don't get stuck by having a baby soon, try to seek couple's counseling, lay off the kid issue and learn more about that dynamic and just use this time to discover. Look and listen and pay attention before you make permanent decisions.

[Alice2012]

He says there's nothing wrong with him and that he is fine.

 

It's never anything wrong with them Rosie.

 

And that is why he is forced to put you way up high on that pedestal making you believe it's all you . . . it's because of YOU that he's happy now. It had nothing to do with him . . . he was like that because of HER.

 

But now that he found you (the OW he happened to be with when he got kicked to the curb), everything is fine with him and you make him happy.

 

"Nothing is wrong with me. I'm fine."

It was her.

[CarrieT]

I do not know what to think or do. I love him but he does have a history. How can I make sure it does't happen to me? How can I get him to go to counseling? He says there's nothing wrong with him and that he is fine. His wife tried to get him to go to counseling on his own but he only went with her to help her deal with the break up. Then she wouldn't go with him again and that was that.

 

Crap and ****. I don't know what to do. I love him. How do I stop loving him? How can I end things with him? I don't think I can. I am absolutely in love. I just want this to work out.

Here's the clincher: short of putting a leg iron on him and chaining him to you, you can't ever be sure he won't cheat again. Serial cheaters are soooo good at making the current squeeze feel like they are special; it is part of their rhetoric and how they lasso you in.

 

How to get him to counseling? You can't unless he wants it.

 

How do you stop loving him? Don't try - but DO love and respect yourself more; enough to have the strength to walk away because you know - in the long run - it is probably best for YOU! Yes, it will hurt for a while, but if you are having even an inkling of doubt now, I can guarantee it will only grow and fester... That alone could destroy the relationship because you will always have doubt and wonder if, when he doesn't answer his phone or is an hour late from work, is he cheating?

[angie2443]

How can I make sure it does't happen to me? .

 

 

You can't! He's going to do what he wants to do. You can't control another adult. If he has the charector of someone that cheats or hurts others for their own benifit, he'll likely do that to you. You can't make him change. If he wants to change, he will, but you can't even make him want to change.

 

The best you can do to increase your odds of having a happy, healthy partnership, is to hook up with someone who is happy and healthy.

[MissBee]

I don't really know a lot about what went on with them other than a few things he told me. It just sounded like she was not really into the marriage or him and gave him very little attention or sex or love.

 

He was looking for a best freind and partner and says he found that in me.

 

Well that's the truth....you don't know. And since you don't...don't you think it's possible he is painting a one-sided picture and not at all mentioning his own faults?

 

Anyway you already read that article alexandria posted and so from reading that, you should know that it is not uncommon for a man to tell you how you are the answer to all his prayers and the foil to his BS and he is some poor guy who would never have cheated until he found your love and you were perfect.

 

It would be funny if you could talk to his other OW....that might be enlightening for you. For all you know he told them the same things. The difference now is that his wife kicked him out...so of course he has to butter you up even more so that he won't be out in the cold with no wife and no OW. Think about it...he didn't make the CHOICE to be with you. It would be completely different IMO, if he admitted the affair and left of his free will to be with you. Then I'd believe that you were his best friend and partner etc....but the fact is, he didn't have a choice, his wife kicked him out and so you got him by default it seems.

 

Eyes and ears open Rosie...is all I'm saying.