The vapor chase has ended...Update SSL

[TrebleClef]

Treble, I've had to go no contact with someone I've been absolutely addicted to before so I know how hard this is, but if you ride it out you will get through it.

 

Make a list of every rotten thing this guy has ever done to you. Then whenever you feel like you can't get through another moment without contacting him, read what you have written and remember how horrible and how bad he has made you feel. Also distract yourself as much as you can. I know it's hard to go out and have fun when you're going through this but it can help to distract you enough until the urges pass. Moping around the house thinking about him 24/7 is the worst.

 

When I said you blame him for your unhappiness what I meant was it sounds like you are unhappy much of the time with him and that's usually because of how he treats you. This is a common thing that women do. They hook up with some guy that treats them crappy and then they put all of their attention and focus on believing he's going to magically change or trying to make him change. They go "oh if only my bf would stop doing A,B and C and instead did X,Y and Z. Then I could really be happy. Why won't he change and make me happy?" The problem with this is that then you have no control over your own happiness. You have laid it in someone elses hands and you expect them to change to please you. Your bf is an abusive ass. It's not against the law to be an ass. He has a right to be an ass and he never has to change if he doesn't want to and I'd say he doesn't want to. So what are you going to do about it? Are you going to keep handing him heart and telling him to take care of it although he has proven time and time again that he won't? Or are you going to take control of yourself, realize he's just a waste of your air and then go out into the world and make yourself happy?

 

Thanks alexadria35 and skywriter...

 

Whew! That 'rotten list' certainly will out number the 'good things' list. And yes, alexandria35...WITH him, I walked on eggshells, I withheld tons of my feelings and catered to his every wish, so he wouldn't dump me/disappear again. Thus, my extreme unhappiness WITH him but it was worse without him if that makes sense?

 

When he was nice, he was extremely nice, when he loved me he showed it, he drownd me w/compliments, gifts, encouragement "at a girl's" and "you can do it's", etc. BUT when he didn't like me he walked away/ignored/disappeared and when he was angry he was extremely angry!

 

During my crying fit and him repeating "you put your hands on me" I asked "why won't you forgive me for that?" Knowing I hadn't done anything but lift his head up. He said "I forgive you, but I'm moving on w/my life, blah, blah..."

 

That popped into my head when I had the urge to call him. It's amazing, I STILL want to 'clear my name' when I haven't done anything. I also wanted to make sure I took stock in MY part of this whole thing. I didn't want to make it seem like he's the 'bad guy'. But aside from yelling and cursing in anger, which I'm very ashamed of, I can't think of anything.

[TrebleClef]

TrebleClef,

 

I don't know if this will benefit you,but it seemed to help me.

 

I'd write my exMM emails. Only, I'd send them to myself. I'd just let out whatever I was feeling and then go back and read it periodically.

 

It was a good way to see where I was at that time and also to see how I progressed.

 

It also served as a reminder of the pain that I inflicted upon myself for making the choice to be with such a person as him.

 

I want to know why, why, why has he turned on me so suddenly like that?

 

Please don't turn on yourself, by letting his manipulative mind f*#k ,work on you. You are much smarter than that.

 

Just hang on, this too shall pass.

 

Skywriter, I told my sorority sister about your analogy of his treatment of me to a 'manipulative mind f***' she cried laughing! LOL! She said you were right on the money! She said that's just what he's done and what I ALLOWED him to do to me! UGH!!

[dreamingoftigers]

Start reading the How to End Your Addiction to a Person.

 

You end up craving another contact with him even though you KNOW there is a high chance that it will only bring more shame or false hope.

 

You aren't going to easily reason with that part of your brain.

 

The part of your brain that attaches is much older, and more animalistic then the reasoning centers of your brain.

 

The only thing you can do is fool it.

 

Everytime you get the urge, set a 22 minute timer and start doing something else. Walk, clean, sing, something other then doing something on the computer.

 

DO NOT call him until at least the timer is up. It gets hard.

 

If the urge is still overwhelming at the end of 22 minutes and you have put in a FULL effort to distract yourself, set the timer again.

 

I found it was the only thing that got me through.

I unhooked myself

[freestyle]

This guy sounds like an emotional abuser who plays the professional *victim*.

 

You'll be dodging a bullet, by staying away from him.

 

Let him play his passive aggressive games with someone else.........

[dreamingoftigers]

Seriously,

 

how many wives have to be wrong for him to be right?

[TrebleClef]

Seriously,

 

how many wives have to be wrong for him to be right?

 

Thank you ALL for taking the time to read/reply/advise. Geez, do I have a long way to go.

 

I wish you guys could see my lists...LOL! Believe it or not the "good" list is long, but that "evil" list is almost 2 pages...and counting....smh...

[TrebleClef]

I've been crying all morning and I'm shaking in disbelieve as I type this. I have NOONE to talk to about this and I'm trying my best not to run to my parents. I'm still in between counseling sessions due to being a cash patient.

 

After the incident with him saying I'm so quick to call him a liar and him in turn accusing me of lying about something extremely serious, he text me early the next day saying "we need to talk". I said ok, when. He said whenever, let him know when I was available. I had time right then so I said "now's good". He said he was busy right now. The entire day went w/him putting me off and giving excuses like: "I have to go to a notary" and "I'm in line at the store".

 

He made it to my house after midnight to talk! SMH. We really did talk, he did most of the talking, things were aired but we both knew we had a long way to go.....then the following morning (no there was no intimacy) we get into heated debate.

 

He walks away/ignores me if I ask too many questions or if I talk truths that he doesn't like or want to discuss. I had had enough of him ignoring me/walking away so I followed him. I told him his walking away/ignoring me like that is BS and if he leaves to keep his A** away! He's looking down and digging in his bag, never looking at me so I kept lifting his head up to look at me. I felt like he was disregarding me or non-verbally saying "you're not important to me". He said he had to leave and told me not to touch him anymore. He said he'd come back and talk if that's what I wanted but right now he's leaving. I said I wanted to talk now. He left. Later, I called, he didn't answer so I left him a msg apologizing for HOW I said the things I said. He didn't respond.

 

This morn I asked him were we still together. He said no. I asked why, I cried, I pleaded. He said when he came over to talk to me he wanted to get our lives in sync and start a relationship together. He said after I put my hands on him he realized that I'm not the woman for him. He said I put him in a situation where he couldn't defend himself. I didn't realize lifting his head up was putting my hands on him. I thought putting hands on someone constitutes hitting?

 

He said he's not trying to make me upset or wanting me to beg him and said there was no need for me to keep calling/texting him because me putting my hands on him was it and he's going on with his life and suggests I do the same.

 

So now, since I lifted his head up (I've NEVER hit him, pushed him, barred up to him...nothing) I'm suddenly NOT the woman for him and all his love for me is depleted?

 

 

I'm not sure if I disclosed this part but:

 

*I* ignored him first! I didn't go back far enough with details. After our final talk, I brought up his accusing me of lying. He said "do you really want to go there?" I said yes I do. I still felt uneasy about him investigating me or feeling the need to look me up to find something on me. Again, I have nothing to hide. *His* lies caught up with him. I don't have time to back track and remember what I said, etc.

 

*He* started asking *me* questions. I answered every one of them truthfully and to the point. I witheld NOTHING. He then said "stop, stop". I said "stop what?!" He said "it's about to get ugly". This (IMO) tells me that he STILL didn't believe me. I'm confused and upset but I drop it.

 

He then starts talking to me in the most happiest way as though we didn't just have a tiff not 2 secs ago. I'm still warm so *I* ignore *him*. He tries again to make small talk. I ignore. He then waves goodbye and turns around. I ask him a question, he continues walking. I say "helllloooo" and *he* ignores me and walks away. Thus, my angrily following him, lifting his head up to look at me, and his dumping me.

 

*I* started it. *I* brought this on myself. (sounds like 2 little kids)

[skywriter]

He sounds like a passive aggresive teenager, that creates justifiable reasons, only in his mind, (of course), for his avoiding, what he doesnt want to confront. eeeek!

[TrebleClef]

He sounds like a passive aggresive teenager, that creates justifiable reasons, only in his mind, (of course), for his avoiding, what he doesnt want to confront. eeeek!

 

So, seriously and I know I sound daffy dumb, but I'm truly trying to make sure I own up to MY part in ALL of this. Me, ignoring him, "first" didn't trigger his sudden flipping out on me?

 

Had I not brought that subject back up, got mad, ignored him, followed him, griped about his walking away/ignoring me and lifted his head up to look at me, perhaps we'd be together right now?