Am I an alcoholic?

[Girlwriter]

OMG! I've been dating a really nice guy for the last few months. We drink (mostly wine) when we are together. Okay, I also drink 2-3 glasses when I am alone too....as does he. It seems whenever I OVERDO it, I start getting nasty by saying hurtful things to him. The next morning I can't remember what I said or did...I just know I was wrong and it kills me! I started drinking heavy a few years back to escape a sad marriage to a man that was verbally abusive. I have since then left the marriage, but I continue to drink. I've looked into AA and have wanted to go...but also feel embarrassed. A HUGE part of me wants to stop drinking and there are nights when I drink hot tea instead, but that's usually only 2 nights a week. I'm scared! How do I pull myself out of this???? I don't EVER want to hurt anyone...including myself. Is there any other way to stop without going to meetings? Does this mean I'm an alcoholic? Thanks for any input.

[dreamingoftigers]

sounds like alcoholism.

 

And sounds like the exact same common fears for dealing with it.

 

Alcohol covers shame and embarrassment.

 

BUT, here's the good news, the shame and embarrassment is never as bad and deep as you think it will be when you start dealing with it.

 

It will seem so for a little bit, but then it dissipates more rapidly the longer you avoid alcohol.

 

In Alberta, we have AADAC/AHS. if you contact them, I am sure they could give you the equivalent in your own area.

 

My husband found them much more effective and much less depressing then AA.

 

As well, if you had a crappy childhood and whatnot, I'd suggest EMDR to help with all of this.

[carhill]

If your drinking inhibits the formation and continuation of healthy interpersonal relationships, I'd suggest that it needs some attention.

 

This guideline was provided to us by the psychologist who was our marriage counselor.

 

'Drinking' can be interchangeable with any other identifiable behavior.

 

If you drink to the point of not remembering what you say or do, I'd strongly suggest professional help. It doesn't have to be AA, although there's no doubt AA has a success record with alcoholism and drinking-related issues.

 

Welcome to LS

[Girlwriter]

Thank you both for the insights! You've given me something to think about.

[eleanorhurting]

Do you feel the need to cut back drinking?

 

Do you get annoyed if someone criticizes your drinking?

 

Do you feel guilty about your drinking?

 

Do you ever do things that you do not remember the next thing while you are drinking?

 

Do you ever use alcohol as an eye-opener in the morning?

 

If you answered yes to at least 2 of these questions then this is something that needs attention.

 

I am proud of you for taking the first step and examining yourself because it means you care enough to make a change.

 

There are lots of tools that you can use and some people here mentioned some of them. Getting professional help is always a great option. It takes strength and courage to get help.

 

Best of luck.

 

You can use this forum to vent or if you need someone to talk to

[wow04]

I am also an alcoholic. I have 9 years clean and sober. Only you can answer if you are an alcoholic or not. Peppermint Paddy is right, if you are an alcoholic, it will only get worse. Since you have looked into AA, why not give it a shot?

[PoopHappens]

I'll just quickly say that not drinking is pretty easy once you get the hang of it. If you are questioning your drinking habits then likely there is a reason. I say just stop. Find a support network and use it.

[Ross MwcFan]

It sounds as though you're either an alcoholic or you're now heading down the slippery slope to becoming one.

 

You need to cut back now, otherwise the longer you go on like this, the more you'll become dependant on alcohol and the harder it'll be to quit. Once someone becomes an alcoholic, I've heard that they can never touch a drink again, otherwise they can't stop.

 

The best thing I can think of as being the easiest way to cut down, is to just cut down slowly, so for example, instead of having 3 glasses nearly everyday, try and have 2 and a half nearly everyday, and once you feel like you can manage fine with having that amount, go down to 2, and so on.

[denise_xo]

OMG! I've been dating a really nice guy for the last few months. We drink (mostly wine) when we are together. Okay, I also drink 2-3 glasses when I am alone too....as does he. It seems whenever I OVERDO it, I start getting nasty by saying hurtful things to him. The next morning I can't remember what I said or did...I just know I was wrong and it kills me! I started drinking heavy a few years back to escape a sad marriage to a man that was verbally abusive. I have since then left the marriage, but I continue to drink. I've looked into AA and have wanted to go...but also feel embarrassed. A HUGE part of me wants to stop drinking and there are nights when I drink hot tea instead, but that's usually only 2 nights a week. I'm scared! How do I pull myself out of this???? I don't EVER want to hurt anyone...including myself. Is there any other way to stop without going to meetings? Does this mean I'm an alcoholic? Thanks for any input.

 

Yes, that's alcoholism. Address it now before it gets worse.

 

I stopped drinking years back and it was extremely liberating. I think you will feel that way, too. Check out AA. It's not embarrassing. It's a very mature way of taking charge of your issues. Good luck

[wannaberunner]

Hi girlwriter,

 

I can really relate to your post (and I also like to write. )

 

I know exactly where you're coming from. I too drink more when I'm with a boyfriend/ other people who like to drink (in fact, I've realized I sub-consciously seek them out, so as not to have to drink alone, and to justify my drinking without accountability!), and I drink as an emotional coping mechanism to escape crappy things or feelings (which ironically, are made worse by my drinking!)

 

I didn't drink for more than 7 months but then started back up again after having an unexpected pregnancy and miscarriage. I'm going to be honest with you and say for me it is very hard to not drink. AA helps a lot and I know I should go back, but I'm resistant to the idea, I guess because it's hard to commit to changing my ways and I also feel like a failure for turning to alcohol when things got really hard.

 

I just want to say I hear you and I'm in the same boat. I wish you well and I do hope you address these issues. My therapist told me something someone else in this thread mentioned-- that she didn't think I was an alcoholic but I could be headed in that direction if I didn't make some changes. That scared me and I tried to have just 2 drinks at a time in every setting, and I couldn't do it. :-/ In fact my mind rebelled and I went a bit crazy with the drinking. That REALLY scared me and so I tried the last resort (in my mind) of AA and total abstinence. If I'm being honest with myself, that was the best thing I'd ever done for myself, and I was on the road to happiness and inner peace, but I took a big detour when times got rough. Anyway I do wish you well and I know this is a very hard issue to struggle with-- I can so relate. Hugs.

[M30USA]

LOL

 

Okay, not to make a joke of alcoholism, but you gotta listen to this. Freaking hilarious:

 

(The language is a little bit vulgar, so I apologize)

 

[Feelin Frisky]

If you want the most expedient answer, then yes, you're an alcoholic. Can you stop without going to AA? That depends on a lot of things but mostly who you are and how serious you take two things--one is the easy one i.e. the addiction/compulsion. The more important is what this life-style has taken from you and now much you value redeeming that loss. Most people who come from cultures of consumption--families that trivialize smoking tobacco for instance, or families and social circles which trivialize alcohol use. or even families who use pleasure foods for all kinds of emotional reasons where obesity is common--most folks who emerge from these cultures have nothing to "recover to" because they have always been "inside the life" of dependency. IF you go to AA, you will NOT hear people talking about this much. Instead there is a great deal of shame and blame mixed in with rites and rituals involving yielding to super-nature or higher power. Some people will say "get a higher power, I don't care if it's a chair". I would like to give them a chair over the head. I disagree entirely from this kind of "don't ask questions just shut up and listen" modality. Sure, if you go to meetings constantly and just read the AA book out loud you won't be drinking. But people who do that almost always fail as soon as they have to face life without the ritual. You, like me probably want to find a way to encompass truth and live in ways that keep us out of the life of dependency.

 

I therefore recommend that you DO go to AA but be wary of the fact that the program was designed by primitives and that most people who go will be not question the dogma and will mostly be products of the same dependency cultures I talked about earlier. No statistics exist to say how many people the conditions of the 12 steps (which include old-fashioned authoritarian beliefs in god and his divine intervention to remove "character flaws") keep out there drinking just because they refuse to buy into such flimsy rationale. IMO AA, NA, and so forth kill--that's right KILL a lot of people by being so conditional that millions won't some in and stay in. It is "free" and unsupported by government (in any seriously structural way) and thus there is very little science or accountability involved and a lot of anecdote, "belief", "lore" and legend. However, if you are seriously compelled to keep drinking (or using drugs or w/e the severe pattern of compulsive consumption is), there is no other source of fellowship that offers daily access. Therefore, you have to FIND groups you like--meaning groups with people you find personable who you might not mind becoming regular associates with (unless you are so socially challenged that only the other kind of meeting works--the kind where there is strict adherence to dogma and a lot of regurgitation of the contents of the AA book. I myself can't stand that crap but that saves some people--even if they don't know who else that type of dreariness is turning people back out to their ruin.)

 

If you come from that kind of "culture" I talked about then you may hear too much about "recovery" and almost nothing about "procovery"--the word I made up to address those who have always used since they were young and don't have a whole life of purpose and cleanliness that they have recently lost by their bad behavior. "Recovery" assumes that kind of thing--like we all were just fine and then went to hell--like Bill W., the guy who started AA. He had somewhat of a life and then lost it. Many in the modern era, start using something in grade school and don't have lives to recover to. They have to build visions of life they want to fulfill, or simply redeem themselves for living as they have. That is something you need to develop deep inside and I urge speaking with as many mental health professionals as your insurance permits. Some people need to "listen"--but others, like me, need to talk, to find words to refine ideas into concepts. In treatment, I get to talk. In the fellowship, it's mostly listening--because you risk ridicule unless you rubber stamp every step in the near hundred year-old AA text. One way or the other or both you have to start walking "the line"--no going sideways or off the line. It's the only way to find out what it's like to be sober and not controlled by consumption of alcohol, drugs or food. It's why they call it "straight". Get straight, stay straight, find your support system and don't give up. In a few years of walking the line, you'll know how much of an alcoholic you've been. If you never get there you'll still be "in the life" where losers abound.

[wannaberunner]

If you want the most expedient answer, then yes, you're an alcoholic. Can you stop without going to AA? That depends on a lot of things but mostly who you are and how serious you take two things--one is the easy one i.e. the addiction/compulsion. The more important is what this life-style has taken from you and now much you value redeeming that loss. Most people who come from cultures of consumption--families that trivialize smoking tobacco for instance, or families and social circles which trivialize alcohol use. or even families who use pleasure foods for all kinds of emotional reasons where obesity is common--most folks who emerge from these cultures have nothing to "recover to" because they have always been "inside the life" of dependency. IF you go to AA, you will NOT hear people talking about this much. Instead there is a great deal of shame and blame mixed in with rites and rituals involving yielding to super-nature or higher power. Some people will say "get a higher power, I don't care if it's a chair". I would like to give them a chair over the head. I disagree entirely from this kind of "don't ask questions just shut up and listen" modality. Sure, if you go to meetings constantly and just read the AA book out loud you won't be drinking. But people who do that almost always fail as soon as they have to face life without the ritual. You, like me probably want to find a way to encompass truth and live in ways that keep us out of the life of dependency.

 

I therefore recommend that you DO go to AA but be wary of the fact that the program was designed by primitives and that most people who go will be not question the dogma and will mostly be products of the same dependency cultures I talked about earlier. No statistics exist to say how many people the conditions of the 12 steps (which include old-fashioned authoritarian beliefs in god and his divine intervention to remove "character flaws") keep out there drinking just because they refuse to buy into such flimsy rationale. IMO AA, NA, and so forth kill--that's right KILL a lot of people by being so conditional that millions won't some in and stay in. It is "free" and unsupported by government (in any seriously structural way) and thus there is very little science or accountability involved and a lot of anecdote, "belief", "lore" and legend. However, if you are seriously compelled to keep drinking (or using drugs or w/e the severe pattern of compulsive consumption is), there is no other source of fellowship that offers daily access. Therefore, you have to FIND groups you like--meaning groups with people you find personable who you might not mind becoming regular associates with (unless you are so socially challenged that only the other kind of meeting works--the kind where there is strict adherence to dogma and a lot of regurgitation of the contents of the AA book. I myself can't stand that crap but that saves some people--even if they don't know who else that type of dreariness is turning people back out to their ruin.)

 

If you come from that kind of "culture" I talked about then you may hear too much about "recovery" and almost nothing about "procovery"--the word I made up to address those who have always used since they were young and don't have a whole life of purpose and cleanliness that they have recently lost by their bad behavior. "Recovery" assumes that kind of thing--like we all were just fine and then went to hell--like Bill W., the guy who started AA. He had somewhat of a life and then lost it. Many in the modern era, start using something in grade school and don't have lives to recover to. They have to build visions of life they want to fulfill, or simply redeem themselves for living as they have. That is something you need to develop deep inside and I urge speaking with as many mental health professionals as your insurance permits. Some people need to "listen"--but others, like me, need to talk, to find words to refine ideas into concepts. In treatment, I get to talk. In the fellowship, it's mostly listening--because you risk ridicule unless you rubber stamp every step in the near hundred year-old AA text. One way or the other or both you have to start walking "the line"--no going sideways or off the line. It's the only way to find out what it's like to be sober and not controlled by consumption of alcohol, drugs or food. It's why they call it "straight". Get straight, stay straight, find your support system and don't give up. In a few years of walking the line, you'll know how much of an alcoholic you've been. If you never get there you'll still be "in the life" where losers abound.

 

If I may threadjack for a moment, I just wanted to thank you for this post Feeling Frisky. It sums up a lot of what I feel about AA. It helped me a lot but it was also full of weird rituals and dogmas and I have never been the kind of person to join this "group mentality"-- I was raised with strict organized religion and it felt very much like that to me (although NOT judgmental or nearly as bad, I just mean that there were things about it I didn't get or understand and I was just told to follow the process and more would be revealed etc., and I felt like I was in a creepy religious cult or something). And like you said I was/am so used to my old habits and escape mechanisms that for me it is way more about just "not drinking" but also about figuring out and living the kind of life I want to live, which in my vision does not include daily AA meetings or recitations of the 12 promises etc. It's almost like I started to think, okay I don't want to drink all the time but I also don't want to have this be my life all the time either.

 

But so far I have found no better alternative to encouraging myself to stay sober. So how can I knock it when it has worked better than anything else. I don't mean to say AA is horrible-- in the beginning it is very very helpful and I definitely think OP should try it!!-- but I think for some people there comes a point where we have to take what we've learned in AA (mainly just stay sober no matter what, stop trying to have control over everything in our lives and just give it up to the universe or fate etc.-- which is my understanding of it since I truly do not believe in any kind of diety), and start working on other parts of ourselves so that we can live happy lives without having to drink or always worry about not drinking, if that makes sense. Thanks again for the helpful words.

[Feelin Frisky]

If I may threadjack for a moment, I just wanted to thank you for this post Feeling Frisky. It sums up a lot of what I feel about AA. It helped me a lot but it was also full of weird rituals and dogmas and I have never been the kind of person to join this "group mentality"-- I was raised with strict organized religion and it felt very much like that to me (although NOT judgmental or nearly as bad, I just mean that there were things about it I didn't get or understand and I was just told to follow the process and more would be revealed etc., and I felt like I was in a creepy religious cult or something). And like you said I was/am so used to my old habits and escape mechanisms that for me it is way more about just "not drinking" but also about figuring out and living the kind of life I want to live, which in my vision does not include daily AA meetings or recitations of the 12 promises etc. It's almost like I started to think, okay I don't want to drink all the time but I also don't want to have this be my life all the time either.

 

But so far I have found no better alternative to encouraging myself to stay sober. So how can I knock it when it has worked better than anything else. I don't mean to say AA is horrible-- in the beginning it is very very helpful and I definitely think OP should try it!!-- but I think for some people there comes a point where we have to take what we've learned in AA (mainly just stay sober no matter what, stop trying to have control over everything in our lives and just give it up to the universe or fate etc.-- which is my understanding of it since I truly do not believe in any kind of diety), and start working on other parts of ourselves so that we can live happy lives without having to drink or always worry about not drinking, if that makes sense. Thanks again for the helpful words.

 

 

Thanks for your thoughts and experiences. One thing that keeps me away from alcohol these days is the understanding that alcohol is "toxin" that has many bad effects on the body and mind. It is only legal because anyone can make it if they want and there is no good sense in trying to prohibit it by law. Personally I don't think it's right for it to be advertised the way it is and such advertising should have gone the way of cigarette ads. But that's another story. I have however personally experienced some scary effects of alcohol use and I try to remember them--and usually successfully so--when I start musing about drinking. If I do drink I will only consume top shelf Scotch. And not being wealthy I don't resume to keep a supply around. Several years ago when I was pattern-drinking--say, twice a month--I started to notice what I can only think of as "micro-seizures". They are an electrical shock in my brain that can jerk me from a sound sleep. This tells me my "being" is alarmed by something serious.

 

If you're out of "the life"--drinking not by cycle but by occasional choice, it becomes pretty easy to do without when your body/mind tells you this is dangerous for you. So, I rarely drink. For younger people though--and I was one at one time, there is this illusion of permanent health that makes for rationalization of new use that comes with the territory of youth and vitality. Using "toxins" which have drug-like effects will take tolls on a life. I always reflect this in my opinions on use of "herbal" alternatives to real medicine for depression. There is a popular myth that medicine is all the same and bad and some product of evil exploiters where people will look to so-though "natural" remedies for psych-social unease. But the truth is that today's medications are highly specific, safe, and do not "pollute" other systems in the body with extra toxins that come from such things as leaves and berries. People are engaging in consumption of toxins which may have drug-like effects--primitive and potentially dangerous--while excluding highly specific medications engineered to do only one thing who effects can be judged by the physician to see if the therapy is on the right direction. Anyway, this is a basic understanding I think everyone should be aware of--we don't call ourselves "intoxicated" for nothing. Toxins like alcohol are very unspecific and cause a price to one's health. If there is something to escape through self-medication, the best sense is to embrace real medication with professional help. Best of luck.

[SarahRose]

If you think you are an alcoholic try not drinking at all this week and see how it goes. Don't buy any and throw out any in your house. Don't go to any bars.

 

Try it and see how you do.

 

I understand that AA works for many people but what I don't understand is how people can give up other addictions like smoking, sugar, and caffeine and not need a group to do it.

 

To me going to a group to talk about drinking would just reinforce it.

 

My ex was a serious alcoholic. What made him stop. Chemo. Couldn't take chemo and drink as it made him very ill.

 

I stopped smoking many many years ago and it was not easy. Smoking is not even on the radar anymore. I just don't think about it. Same with drinking. Haven't had a drink in a decade.

[Fugu]

OMG! I've been dating a really nice guy for the last few months. We drink (mostly wine) when we are together. Okay, I also drink 2-3 glasses when I am alone too....as does he. It seems whenever I OVERDO it, I start getting nasty by saying hurtful things to him. The next morning I can't remember what I said or did...I just know I was wrong and it kills me! I started drinking heavy a few years back to escape a sad marriage to a man that was verbally abusive. I have since then left the marriage, but I continue to drink. I've looked into AA and have wanted to go...but also feel embarrassed. A HUGE part of me wants to stop drinking and there are nights when I drink hot tea instead, but that's usually only 2 nights a week. I'm scared! How do I pull myself out of this???? I don't EVER want to hurt anyone...including myself. Is there any other way to stop without going to meetings? Does this mean I'm an alcoholic? Thanks for any input.

 

There are two kinds of problem drinkers. There's the physiological alcoholic who is chemically addicted to alcohol and will experience real and potentially life-threatening withdrawal symptoms if he withdraws. And there's the more common kind of problem drinker, the one who isn't chemically addicted per se, but still drinks on a regular basis and causes problems doing it. You may be the latter.

 

Having said that, I'm personally not a huge believer in AA, but that's just me. I don't care for the way that they treat everyone like a lost child who needs God to save them. Some AA chapters are better than others, though. What you may need to do is to just have a talk about it with friends and family members that you trust. Tell them your concerns about yourself. Ask them if they've noticed anything. Ask them if they've ever had concerns. You can decide what to do next.

[Fugu]

What actual experience do you have of AA?I ask because I have 22+ years sober thanx to AA,so before you start dissing it,I think you should qualify your critiscisms.Personally I'm agnostic /atheist,and so are my closest friends in AA.My God is sobriety and Life.

AA is a fellowship of men and women,so its bound to have flaws,and it ,like any organisation has a few idiots in it.But the vast majority of sober members are decent people who actually help those who want to stop drinking.(Unlike family and friends)

 

My experiences with AA are indirect, based on the few times I've attended AA with my family and I was also involved in another intervention for a friend. I grew up in a pretty fiery religious part of the nation, so that might have had something to do with my perceptions, but they also mirror things I've heard other mental health therapists say about it. I never said that it was all bad; I just said that I felt like they treat people like children or that in some cases they talk about how much they miss boozing, because that's been my experience (albeit not as extensive as yours).

[peppermintpaddy]

My experiences with AA are indirect, based on the few times I've attended AA with my family and I was also involved in another intervention for a friend. I grew up in a pretty fiery religious part of the nation, so that might have had something to do with my perceptions, but they also mirror things I've heard other mental health therapists say about it. I never said that it was all bad; I just said that I felt like they treat people like children or that in some cases they talk about how much they miss boozing, because that's been my experience (albeit not as extensive as yours).

 

I can tell your experience is minimal by what you write......i have literally been to thousands of aa meetings,and I don't think ive ever heard anyone say they miss alcohol,ever.If they do miss it,they usually /always go out and drink again...the door swings both ways.

 

ALL state run rehab centres and 90% of private clinics recommend AA as the road to a lasting sobriety.In fact AA meetings are compulsory in mental hospitals for alcoholics.Most people who diss AA have absolutely no first hand experience of it,yourself included.

Diss it all you like,you can't deny it works,and works for millions of people,including me.

[Leegh]

It may be time for you to stop drinking completely. Even if you aren't an alcoholic, people that drink are more prone to car accidents, falls in the home, and saying and doing things they regret the next day. I don't drink now, but when I used to, I'd do really dumb things, such as call up old boyfriends at 2:00 A.M. etc. Hangovers are no picnic either. As for me I pretty much just stopped, a lot of it was the bad hangovers. I couldn't stand feeling so bad the next day. You could try cutting back some, and maybe attend an AA meeting to get a feel of how AA works.