Unbiased s...

[D068259]

Hi Everyone...I'm new to the forum and I'm thinking about ending my 3 year marriage but I want to make sure I'm thinking logically.

 

Background:

 

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married 3. I have always been the bread winner. He has two other "baby mama's" that both cause drama. One of the mother's placed child support on which is added strain to our finances. He has in the past been abusive physically and emotionally.

 

Last year I left him and moved in my parents house and he had to leave our place because he could not afford the rent by himself and move with his mother. I hoped that he would change his ways. He still hasn't changed much, no job, likes to argue and has a huge control issue. I think he likes to control everything to compensate for him not providing for his family. Examples of his controlling ways: has to drop me off and pick me up from work, take me to the store, when I do something for our daughter he always criticize. He argues about ever and anything and always place blame on me.

 

I'm just at a point where I want to be happy and if it means being alone I will do it. My question is why didn't he ever appreciate all the things I've done and put up with? Was i a fool to even stick around?

 

Writing this post I think divorce is best!

[Philosoraptor]

Only you can make the final call. Have you went to couples therapy to try and get to the bottom of some of these issues?

 

I do agree that in the end your happiness is what is most important and in life we must do whatever we believe will bring us the most long term happiness.

[2.50 a gallon]

RUN AS FAST AND AS FAR AS YOU CAN!

 

It is for you and your child's safety

 

He will never change to the better and over time it will get worse.

 

These guys when they realize that they are really losing control of their wives, hurt, maim and kill, their wives and even their kids.

[LonelySarah]

RUN FAST, RUN HARD, RUN FAR AND DON"T LOOK BACK!!!!!!!!! HE WILL NOT CHANGE!

 

I have been there myself and this is my story. I hope it helps you. This is a post I wrote a few years ago on a different forum. Since then I have been posting it a lot of places. It has now been 10 years. I still cry when I read this or think about all the things that I went through back then. I just hope by posting this I help people.

 

I know this is a long read but please read it. Its worth it.

 

As July 4th, Independence Day nears, I am once again reminded of what it means to me. You

 

see July 4th is not just another holiday to me. To me July 4th is more important then

 

Christmas. It is more important then any other day of the year. Why? you ask. I'll tell

 

you why. Six years ago on July 4th, after almost 5 yrs of beatings and oppression. I finally

 

said no more. No more will I allow him to beat me. No more will I allow him to tell me I can't

 

have friends. I am a human being and I deserve more. I deserve friends. I deserve to be

 

able to come and go from my home as I wish. I should not have to ask his permission to take

 

my kids to the park. Most of all I should have a key to my own home.

 

 

 

That day is almost 6yrs in the past now. And on that day I almost died. He tried to kill me,

 

the mother of his children, and his wife! It was hot that day. And we had the ac on, even though

 

it was only 8am and all the windows were shut. But even still somehow when I needed help the

 

most, when his hands were around my thought. When I thought the end was near. When I was calling

 

for help thinking no one could/would hear me. All of a sudden there they were looking like nothing

 

but regular human beings, yet they appeared out of nowhere and made him stop. From the moment I saw

 

them I could breathe again. They told me to get up and get out of my apartment. From the instant

 

they appeared I felt nothing but calm. He let go of my thought and I got up and left.

 

I walked down the stairs and sat down. I felt numb. All the thoughts and feelings I had

 

rush through me only moments before were gone. The numbness I felt was empty and cold. It was at

 

that moment I realized I was nothing but a shell. A shell of the person I used to be. A shell of the

 

person I could be. That as long as I stayed with him I'd be nothing more then a shell, a puppet to do

 

his bidding. So I gathered what little strength I had and I left him. I went into hiding until

 

I was strong enough to stand on my own.

 

 

I have and still feel as though July 4th is not only the US Independence day, but it is also My

 

Independence day. It is the day that after almost 5yrs not only did I say no more but I meant it. The day

 

that I stood up and declared my independence, and almost got killed for it. Just like our forefathers.

 

It was also the day I experienced the true kindness of others. The day I was homeless and scared, not only

 

for me but for my children. And I was guided to safety. Safety not just for me but for my children. The day

 

strangers took me into their home and hearts and protected not just me but also my children. The day that I

 

wept with not just true fear but also true joy and thankfulness. The day that no matter what I will never

 

forget. It was a new beginning.

 

 

I can't say I am happy with everything that happened next, or how my life has gone since then. But what I can say is that

 

on that day 2 angels came and saved my life, and lead me into the arms of people who cared. Why I do not know, But

 

obviously there is some greater plan at work, I just haven't figured out what it is yet. But I do know every July 4th I'll

 

be watching the fireworks on tv or in person if I can, with a unique view. I just thought, and felt I should share it with

 

all of you.

 

 

 

Please if anyone you know is being abused do whatever you can to get them out. I was lucky I escaped. Most women that

 

stay as long as I did don't live to tell about it. I know I was very close to dieing. Whether or not you believe the

 

angels part..... Its the truth. For more information visit the following websites.

 

 

 

Warning Signs and Symptoms of Abusive Relationships

 

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs and Symptoms of Abusive Relationships

 

 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline Website

 

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) - Break the silence, make the call.

 

 

DomesticViolence.org

 

Introduction - Domestic Violence

 

 

These are just a few of the many websites offering information and help. Please if you need help or know someone who

 

does need help, don't wait. Waiting may cost a life.

 

And to those of you out there that are in an abusive relationship and need someone to talk to I am here. I will listen,

 

understand, and not judge you. I will do anything and everything I can to help you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I am here!

 

Even if you don't ask me ask someone for help. You deserve more, you deserve better, you are worth it! Don't give

 

up there are people that love and need you!!!!

[pteromom]

Examples of his controlling ways: has to drop me off and pick me up from work, take me to the store, when I do something for our daughter he always criticize. He argues about ever and anything and always place blame on me.

 

I think the place to start is to put an end to these behaviors. Stand up for yourself and do not allow yourself to be controlled.

 

"I am going to drive myself to work."

"I am going to the store. I'll be back in an hour."

 

Do not accept his criticism. Instead of arguing back, answer his criticisms in a way where he cannot continue the argument.

 

"Thank you for your input."

"So you say."

"I understand what you are saying."

 

Refuse to accept his rage and anger.

 

"I'll be back when you can talk to me nicely."

"Do not speak to me like that."

 

Start there. Start with changing what you will accept in the relationship. Learn about creating and enforcing boundaries.

 

He will either change and grow with you, or it will become obvious that he won't. But changing YOUR patterns in the relationship is step one.

[Tallblueyed]

I think he likes to control everything to compensate for him not providing for his family.

DING DING DING, you hit the nail on the head.

Granted, I doubt things would be better if he had a job; it would still manifest in other ways.

[Meatballsmom]

Please take the advice of Sarah and Gallon and get yourself and your child to safety. These guys all have a burning wick, the problem is you never know how long or short it is, i.e. how much time you have left. These guys stab, shoot, strangle, douse their children with gas, burn down the house, and even blow up the house

[Harperpro]

You are thinking logically. If you are unhappy and see no possiblity for him to change then you should file for divorce. It doesn't sound like you love him anymore at all. Nope you weren't a fool for staying or giving him a chance to change. He is the fool for not taking that chance when it was presented. He will no doubt become very emotional and it will be hard on you as well. Find a divorce support group so you have some other people to socialize with and emotional support. If you feel threatened then get a protective order. Since you have children with this man try to take the high road. It actually works to your favor in court and with your children. If he acts like a monster treat him like one. If you treat him like a monster don't be suprised when he becomes one. Whatever happens try not to become bitter, you should be doing this to allow yourself to become happier and no other reason. You don't want to be here later as a bitter old person spewing hate. Neither path before you is paved in gold. It will be hard either way, regardless of what advice you take it is your life and your decision. You'll be the one living with it.

[thatone]

why did you marry him in the first place? these issues are not things that can be hidden before a wedding.

[g450]

You just described my Wife's ex husband to a T.

 

Total loser. Except hers is worse because he does drugs and has yet to make one single child support payment.

 

I agree with LS and 2.5gal: RUN!!!! And never look back.

 

I suggest you be more selective next time you choose a life partner. Usually a person's history will tell you what you need to know.