Well I was wrong.

[Sameold]

After a 4 year relationship, living together for 7 months my ex just left,she changed and started flirting with someone at her new job. I found out and in our break up I had a month of calling her all the names under the sun, trying to win her back with she denied it meant anything, finding out she had dated the guy only a few weeks after the break (she was adamant she still had done nothing wrong). But finally after a month I employed NC and I'm now starting to feel slightly better day by day.

 

She e-mails me to sort the flat out, I reply factually and coldly. She knows how disgusted I am with her from the last text messages I sent.

 

Life is funny and so many things is this thread have made me think. You mentioned the accidental call, well I accidentally called my ex the other day out of pure habbit as I was making a call late at night, I had to slam the red button and immediately explained to her by text it was an accident.

 

AJ I feel for you but now is your real test. What she said wont mean the end of it necesarily, I had the exact same situation with an ex who used to keep me hanging on for sex now and again and attention. Then one day I decided I was better than that and I just wasn't bothered about her anymore.

 

So AJ I guarantee she will be in touch to some extent in the next week, whether to say "sorry about the other night" blah blah blah. DO NOT RESPOND, DO NOT REPLY. You ended things with pride on your terms so take that now and let the past be just that. No more explaining, no more dog crap with King. Why the hell would you let your ex in your house to see your dog? Think logically like you did after that film. Now is the time for you to take control so man up like I'm trying to and look ahead.

 

DO NOT REPLY TO ANYTHING! Short of her turning up at your door leave it!

[theodora]

Wow.

 

I just read this whole thread in one go.

 

What a journey!

 

The rain was a good sign, a sign from the universe that it's finished, and that finishing was the right thing to do

 

How brave you were, to get the answer you needed, not just the answer you wanted to hear in your heart. But the truth.

 

And can I just say for the record that I do believe that sometimes women - especially young women - I was one myself too - find it really hard to hurt people.

 

If men have been angry with us before, when we were younger, if we have been raised to please men, and to quell their tempers, then letting men down can be a very frightening thing to do.

 

We sometimes fear the consequences of telling a man no - not necessarily rationally, but somewhere in our unconscious it is scary.

 

What you did was provide a safe environment in which she could finally be honest with you, and give you the no that you needed to hear, in a way which finally allowed you to hear it. That makes you a pretty special guy, and to do that and then be nice to her, and gracious, well personally I think it makes you one of the very best.

 

Next time someone dicks you around like this, however guilty you feel? However much responsibility you are expected to shoulder for breaking up with someone, I hope you will recognise it for what it was: dicking you around. Which I don't think you deserve. You sound like you were insightful about your previous behaviour and willing to work on it. That's way way above the levels of 'fake texting' and 'accidental calling' and asking for help with car adverts. I just think you're in different leagues in terms of emotional maturity...

 

Some people just don't think that deeply! You're a thinker. It can be confusing to realise that other people just don't think about stuff as much as you do. That's not a criticism btw, it's meant to be helpful Thinking is good!

 

Guilt and confusion shouldn't be a part of a relationship, and once they are, I fear there is no going back. I mean - unless you're married 20 years or something in which case fine. But otherwise...better to cut your losses.

 

Congratulations! You are now free to meet someone AMAZING!:laugh:

[AlexanderJames]

Thanks so much everyone for the kind words.

Seeing all of this support and how many people have been watching and following me through this is very heartwarming.

 

I'll keep everyone updated with how I'm feeling over the next couple weeks and months. And if she tries to contact me. I'm feeling good still. Hope it stays this way.

 

I'm Aussie btw roger

[Svet74]

So thats it its finally over??

 

 

Im stuck in my situation.. i wish i just could ask how my ex feels. basically i played a mind game with him and told him i was going out on a date tonight. and he asked who? and i said a nice christian guy.. and he replied back im a nice christian guy. Later i siad i was kidding. He is getting a lot of money in a couple of weeks and gonna open his own business. I feel like this money is gonna make us or break us. Now he really might forget about me and move on.. This is nerve racking

[AlexanderJames]

Why did you play that mind game with him?

 

Well I'm telling myself it's finally over. We went out Friday night, it's Now Sunday afternoon and I just got a txt message from her. "Hey i was wondering if you were still going to help me Witt my car? I'm unsure. If you could I would really appreciate it :)"

I did not reply.

[AlexanderJames]

With**

Cause I said id help her advertise it. But she doesn't need my help it's not that hard. She could ask anyone....

[whoknows11]

Why did you play that mind game with him?

 

Well I'm telling myself it's finally over. We went out Friday night, it's Now Sunday afternoon and I just got a txt message from her. "Hey i was wondering if you were still going to help me Witt my car? I'm unsure. If you could I would really appreciate it :)"

I did not reply.

 

Just simply think, " is it worth it? What am i getting out of it?" im sorry for the out come though of friday. Youve been through alot with her. Im still suprised you two arent together. But after getting the idk or no with her, id say it is best that you do just move forward. Helping her could hurt. Cause maybe itll make it seem like she could still keep you around for favors. Could ask you more of them after you do that. Id just say " i apologize but no. "

[AlexanderJames]

Yeah I'm just going to ignore it.

She knows that she isn't going to hear from me. I told her in person.

She's a grown up girl. She can sell her car own her own.

 

I'm not waiting for her. Or letting her keep me around for whatever reason. If she discovers she made a mistake and wants me back she will chase me up to get me. But unless that happens I'm gone. And ignoring her.

[Sameold]

AJ as I told you a few post above she will not take what you said seriously and will keep messaging you.

 

Seriously do not reply. Of course she can advertise a car without you, any number of other people could probably help her if she really needed help, plus you're her ex, you're not meant to be chit chatting about cars...

 

Do not reply, you've heard all you need to re the future. Dude...you are the guy in reserve who she wants to keep dangling, DO NOT DO IT!

 

Short of her just turning up on your door step telling you how much she misses you and wants to be your gf again then maybe that would be the only time to speak to her. Even then could you really be sure about her then? I doubt it.

[AlexanderJames]

I said I wasn't going to reply dont worry!

She sent me one just then saying "Thanks a lot!"

I didn't reply to that either.

 

Like I said I told her I wasn't going to make contact with her for a while and she accepted that. She shouldn't be sending me these messages

[Sameold]

It's called breadcrumbs mate.

 

She will be back in touch again do not fear, I predict about the dog, King.

Understand that it is just plain wierd to go and see your ex's dog because you miss them, think objectively. It is just wierd.

 

Anyway sounds like you got the NC under control, don't read in to stuff, just leave it bro. Seriously don't even let your housemate let her in to see the dog, it's pure wierd.

[Svet74]

Why did you play that mind game with him?

 

Well I'm telling myself it's finally over. We went out Friday night, it's Now Sunday afternoon and I just got a txt message from her. "Hey i was wondering if you were still going to help me Witt my car? I'm unsure. If you could I would really appreciate it :)"

I did not reply.

 

yeah i dont know why. I just wanted to see how he would react cuz he would do it to me. He kinda acted insecure. But today i talked to him and told him about my job. there is alot going down this week and i might be getting promoted and just asked him to pray for me. I told him if i dont get promoted then i might move closer to home end of next year. he was very quiet when i said that. But didnt fight it.. like say oh dont do that stay here? he is also opening his business here but a month ago told me he was moving to open his business else where. I could be the reason he is staying we will see? he also asks all the time what im up to? He acts mostly interested but i could be wrong. maybe he is just trying to be nice.

[theskyisblue]

Hey Alexander James, how are you doing? You really put a lot of effort into this and hoping you're doing better. Are you finding NC helps or do you still think of her? Stay strong man.

[Cl0udy]

When you see her this is what you gotta do.

 

If you want a woman to give you a direct answer you need to ask the right qns.

 

Sit her down

 

"name insert", do you still have romantic feeling for me? Yes or no. She will go off about the Things you did. You say STOP. YES OR NO!

 

She says no than say ok good cause I am moving on and I would appreciate it if you give me my space. If she doesn't want you than you NEED to move on period. She can't be in your life whatsoever if you doing so. Don't answer her txt, calls, etc

 

If she says YES

 

than you decide how you want to approach this either

1) give each other time to vent a good break.

2) communicate. You listen, she listen both of you share your thoughts and try to Understand one another and have good ol sex and makeup.

 

Good luck

[AlexanderJames]

Hey Alexander James, how are you doing? You really put a lot of effort into this and hoping you're doing better. Are you finding NC helps or do you still think of her? Stay strong man.

 

Hey skyisblue how are you?

I'm doing pretty well thanks. Nc is making things easier so far I think. Had one of those mornin when you think a little more than you should and you feel sick but other than that doing fine.

She's sent me 2 txts since the night and I've ignored both of them.. So that's been kind of liberating. But I'm not interested in playing the whole who has power and who's on top and in control. It's all about dusting myself and moving on now

 

Hope you're doing well

[theskyisblue]

Hey alexanderjames - would quote a reply but on phones which makes it tricky. Truth be told I'm struggling and from going through your thread it sounds like we've been with people who couldn't decide what they want. I really think you're making such a good choice with dusting yourself off and getting on with your life. Some of your posts really spoke to me and I totally understand the frustration and almost desperation as you are picked up and dropped -it's something I have been experiencing. It means you can't focus on anything and can't be happy. Have you found any peace with NC? Take care.

[AlexanderJames]

Hey alexanderjames - would quote a reply but on phones which makes it tricky. Truth be told I'm struggling and from going through your thread it sounds like we've been with people who couldn't decide what they want. I really think you're making such a good choice with dusting yourself off and getting on with your life. Some of your posts really spoke to me and I totally understand the frustration and almost desperation as you are picked up and dropped -it's something I have been experiencing. It means you can't focus on anything and can't be happy. Have you found any peace with NC? Take care.

 

 

It's no fun at all is it. You try to be strong and take each day as it comes but it's impossible to find peace and clarity when there's so much unknown. That was the worst part. Feeling something one minute, then something happening to turn it upside down, then something happens again to bring you back... It's confusing and unpleasant. I can definitely feel for you

 

My best advice to you would be to do what I did. Set a time to make an unltimatum. A make or break. Because if anything is worth having then it will happen when you ask for it. Otherwise it's like I said a few posts ago. Keeping feelings on life support with no hope of returning life to the body. My physical and mental well being started taking a dive in what was really one week of being in limbo before the movie night. It took 7 days to undo months of work. But at least now I know where I stand and where I need to go. I urge you to do what is best for you and find that ultimatum you deserve. So that you can find happiness for yourself.

 

NC is doing me good. It's always hard. For everyone. But only at first. And compared to the first time I initiated it this time I'm finding it a lot easier. It just goes to show that time really does heal all. Even though I had this let down and set back I still have allowed myself time to myself and time to heal prior to it. So the blow was much softer than it could have been.

 

Time to yourself away from all of the toxic crap we are exposed too really is the best medicine. No matter what your intentions with your ex. I cannot stress how much taking time away to heal helps. It was being put in this position once before that landed me on LS if you read my earlier threads. This time around I'm not losin any sleep and I'm not feeling sick sad or lonely and all because time has run its course

[RogerWallace111]

Glad to hear it's a bit easier for you this time alex. Try to keep ignoring her texts/calls no matter how tempted you find yourself. It's easy to justify responding by telling yourself it'll just be this once, it's the mature thing to do or that a certain question is the exception that deserves an answer, but be as strong as possible. I imagine she's gonna keep at you for a while. And too bad if she wants to see your dog. If she only knew him 5 weeks she'll be able to deal with it. I really don't think you should go out of your way to arrange visits through your housemate, that'd be ridiculous.

 

Even if your spirits are a bit broken I would still spend time with that girl who expressed interest in you, or other girls. Not to try and hop in a new relationship or even get romantic necessarily; good female company is just relaxing and can help you get out of your head. Though I also know sometimes it can end up making you feel worse when you the other girls don't measure up or you can't connect with them.

 

Personally, I've actually had some minor temptation to contact my ex the last couple days, even after 7 weeks. Just missing her and that whole side of myself she brought out, which I'm having trouble rediscovering. Saturday morning, on a long drive back from visiting a friend, some corny ass love song even got me a little teared up for the first time since right after the breakup. I really think moving would be a nice change for me, as I've been back in my relatively small hometown for the last couple years and it holds little excitement. Yesterday was one of those liberating acceptance epiphany days where I felt reassured that the universe would provide but back to work now monday morning and feeling a bit low.

[AlexanderJames]

Ugh she can't even give me a week to myself haha.

 

She txt me again while I was working out. The testosterone was pumping so I thought f*** I'll reply.

 

Went like this.

 

Her - ALEXXX

 

Me - What

 

Her - U never replied to me

 

Me - Can't help you. Sorry.

You're grown up. Selling a car is easy. Goodluck

 

Her - Iv never sold one b4

 

Me - Ask someone to help

 

Her - Im asking you duh! Geeeezzz 4get it!

Why is it you only ever give if you will receive back...

(That pissed me off. I gave and gave and got nothing back)

 

Me - Ask someone else.

 

Don't call me selfish please it's called moving on. I can't do it if you are around. I thought you understood that. I wasn't even going to reply to ALEX. Don't crush my hopes and dreams then ask me for help a day later. It's very selfish.

 

Good luck with the sale

 

Her - Yeh i get that...its just u said u would help n i dnt know any other guys....my dad cant help me ill leave u alone. So u can get over me, good luck with that x

 

Me - Thanks

 

Her - You're welcome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Xoxo

 

 

As you can see I was pretty over the using me ****. I don't care if I was too harsh. If she honestly thinks I only ever give with promise to recieve she can get f***ed.

[AlexanderJames]

I sent her a long txt back to that.

 

I don't give a f*** if it makes her feel victimised or upsets her or anything like that I'm fed up and taking a stand.

[Frank13]

I said I wasn't going to reply dont worry!

She sent me one just then saying "Thanks a lot!"

I didn't reply to that either.

 

 

So typical of these selfish people. When they don't get their way they get mad. It doesn't matter now. She is out of your life.

[Frank13]

I sent her a long txt back to that.

 

I don't give a f*** if it makes her feel victimised or upsets her or anything like that I'm fed up and taking a stand.

 

Please share or at least summarize what you said.

[Frank13]

....my dad cant help me

 

I love how they always use the "poor me" stuff in their texts like they are trying to guilt you and they want you to feel sorry for them.

[AlexanderJames]

It's long and people will lose respect for me haha but I'll share it.

And yeah she did play the sympathy card but let's not talk about her father as its a very sad and unfortunate situation with him. I sympathize her with her dad. But she definitely has guy friends who can help. That parts bs

 

Here's what I wrote.

 

I'm sorry I was going to ignore that txt but its outrageous. You are acting like a complete child. I mean really your welcome!!! Xoxo. Why? Grow up.

 

For starters I told you you weren't going to hear from me for a long time and you said okay. I took you out for a fun night to enjoy each others company. And didnt even bat an eyelid despite the fact you couldnt bare to see me without being stoned and having alcohol. Furthermore I took your no on the chin and was cool about it despite you acting like we were dating the whole night. I didn't ask why, why not or anything like that. I didn't pressure you into taking me back or explaining yourself. I accepted your decision and went with it. So don't pester me for your own personal gain. Im not your game. I'm not here to fill a place, and be strung on making you feel loved and wanted when you feel down while you sort yourself out and then forget all about me when someone else comes along.

 

Next, it makes me so angry hearing you say 'why is it you only give if you will get something back...'. That is absolute horse****. I gave and gave and gave and got nothing from you. Everything I did I didn't do for my personal gain. I did it for ours. I did it because I wanted there to be an us. And I wanted to benefit us. It was always about US. Never about me. So the fact that you can even say that says a lot about what you think of me and my intentions.

 

I can't believe your acting like this towards me after how hard I tried to make things right it's actually insulting. Sell your own ****ing car.

[whoknows11]

It's long and people will lose respect for me haha but I'll share it.

And yeah she did play the sympathy card but let's not talk about her father as its a very sad and unfortunate situation with him. I sympathize her with her dad. But she definitely has guy friends who can help. That parts bs

 

Here's what I wrote.

 

I'm sorry I was going to ignore that txt but its outrageous. You are acting like a complete child. I mean really your welcome!!! Xoxo. Why? Grow up.

 

For starters I told you you weren't going to hear from me for a long time and you said okay. I took you out for a fun night to enjoy each others company. And didnt even bat an eyelid despite the fact you couldnt bare to see me without being stoned and having alcohol. Furthermore I took your no on the chin and was cool about it despite you acting like we were dating the whole night. I didn't ask why, why not or anything like that. I didn't pressure you into taking me back or explaining yourself. I accepted your decision and went with it. So don't pester me for your own personal gain. Im not your game. I'm not here to fill a place, and be strung on making you feel loved and wanted when you feel down while you sort yourself out and then forget all about me when someone else comes along.

 

Next, it makes me so angry hearing you say 'why is it you only give if you will get something back...'. That is absolute horse****. I gave and gave and gave and got nothing from you. Everything I did I didn't do for my personal gain. I did it for ours. I did it because I wanted there to be an us. And I wanted to benefit us. It was always about US. Never about me. So the fact that you can even say that says a lot about what you think of me and my intentions.

 

I can't believe your acting like this towards me after how hard I tried to make things right it's actually insulting. Sell your own ****ing car.

 

 

 

Now i see what youre saying about seeing yourself in my situations. Thats mostly what id like to say to my ex. Besides a couple parts. But you have every right to say this to your ex. It opened my eyes about mine. Thing is, i bought her car for her pretty much. It was 700. I paid 600 of it.