What is so wrong with wanting a woman that treats you well

[amaysngrace]

I remember once my mother told me that my current wife doesn't have the guts to do what my ex did. Why would a woman even want to do what she did.

 

Oh Woggle...your mother is a hurtful, hateful monster.

 

Most women would agree on that. Sure there are some like her but the majority of women are nurturing and kind to those we love.

 

Your mother and those like her are the exception...not the rule.

[Woggle]

Maybe it is the same from the other side and everybody hates everybody. Like I keep saying I am just sick and tired of it. I am also terrified that the minute I feel it is safe to let go and enjoy what I have it will blow up in my face. I don't want to end up like those men who were blindsided when their wife wanted a divorce.

 

I also read the positive links posted in the other thread and they do make me feel better but I also can't shake the feeling that many women would call them stepford wives. Whenever I hear about a woman praising her man or showing real love and devotion I also hear the chorus of women rolling their eyes at her and calling her a doormat.

 

I fully admit maybe these are just my delusions. I don't know anymore.

[A O]

Maybe it is the same from the other side and everybody hates everybody.

There are many people here who continually take exception to your views. One day a little light bulb will go off in their head and they'll exclaim - enough is enough - and walk away from you. Many will probably have already done so. Eventually you'll do the same in regards to the many issues that rattle your cage.

 

I am also terrified that the minute I feel it is safe to let go and enjoy what I have it will blow up in my face.

Think that's a manageable condition dependant on how willing you are to want to deal with this fear. Fear itself can be a crutch with fear of the known been far less terrifying than fear of the unknown.

 

I don't want to end up like those men who were blindsided when their wife wanted a divorce.

Happens in a good deal of relationship break ups unfortunately, usually the result of poor communication within the relationship. Keep the lines of communication open and you'll lessen the likelihood of this circumstance from ever happening. Of course, good communication in of itself won't prevent a relationship from breaking but at least you won't be blindsided.

[xxoo]

Also how would people here react if I were a woman? Would they be so quick to tell me to drop my guard and leave myself vulnerable to be played again?

 

If you were a woman, married to a good, loving man, and you were sabotaging it with your anxieties and obsessions with cheating men?

 

Yes, I would tell you to drop it, before you ruin it!

[anne1707]

Also how would people here react if I were a woman? Would they be so quick to tell me to drop my guard and leave myself vulnerable to be played again?

 

Here's the irony Woggle. It's your wife who is already being played - by you. You are the one undermining your marriage, questioning your wife, assuming that as she is a woman she is going to hurt you. You are deceiving her and betraying her trust and love for you.

[xxoo]

Is it really all in my head that women hate men this much?

 

For the vast majority of women--yes, it is all in your head.

[xxoo]

Maybe it is the same from the other side and everybody hates everybody.

 

It is the same from the other side, but no, everybody does not hate everybody.

 

Some men and women get stuck in the cycle of hate. You happen to be one of them, but not all men are like you. Nor are all women like your ex or mom.

[Woggle]

I go back and forth between being certain I am right and hating myself because no matter how hard I try I just can't shake these demons. Each time I promise I will do better to try and get past I truly do mean it at the time but then something happens that gets me angry and it is back to square one. Counseling doesn't help and neither does anything else so maybe it is just time to accept that I irrevocably screwed up.

 

What else is there to do not to set me off. I can't just hide from the world and avoid all news sources so how do I get myself out of being set off like this. I hear some misandrist crap and it triggers a PTSD kind of moment for me.

 

I play hypothetical scenarios in my head and then I get mad when I imagine how women would react just like I was getting mad today thinking of how women would react if I were a woman.

 

Do you think I actually like being like this? I would give anything to have these demons gone.

[amaysngrace]

Do you think I actually like being like this? I would give anything to have these demons gone.

 

I feel you. The thing is you have to help yourself to get well. I totally understand about the spinning thoughts and the feelings of self-loathing Wogs. The root of the problem is the abuse. That is your demon.

 

Your wife sounds wonderful. Kind, supportive and "safe".

 

Maybe it's a good time for you to face your demons and put those bad thoughts to rest once and for all?

[Woggle]

How do I do that though? If therapy has not worked and simply venting hasn't worked then what else?

[amaysngrace]

How do I do that though? If therapy has not worked and simply venting hasn't worked then what else?

 

Start by reading the right material. There are all kinds of books available online to assist you in the healing process and when your book(s) arrive make an appointment with a therapist who you trust.

 

It won't be easy, I assure you, but so well worth it. XO

[xxoo]

How do I do that though? If therapy has not worked and simply venting hasn't worked then what else?

 

Have you given therapy an honest chance? I thought I remembered you saying that you were holding back in therapy, not admitting your true feelings and fears.

[Woggle]

There isn't much material out there for male survivors of abuse where the abuser is a female and sadly the genders of the people involved do have a unique set of circumstances.

[amaysngrace]

google "books on emotional trauma for men" and see what you get

[snug.bunny]

There isn't much material out there for male survivors of abuse where the abuser is a female and sadly the genders of the people involved do have a unique set of circumstances.

 

Here you go.

 

MenWeb-Domestic violence. 5.4 million battered men each year, silent too Long...

Male Victims of Domestic Abuse

[Woggle]

I will look at it.

 

I really need to get this negative thinking fixed because the first place I go is imagining women at home with an evil smirk on their face glad it is men being abused for a change. I know how wrong that it is but that is where my mind goes and I just get angrier and angrier.

[Woggle]

Also I will not name any names but I have had men send me private messages telling me that opening up to my wife was one of the dumbest things I did. According to them she will lose attraction for me and will no longer respect me as a man. I must admit it made me freak out and wonder if I made a mistake which will result her losing attraction.

 

This is probably dumb but can all these men be wrong?

[Pyro]

Also I will not name any names but I have had men send me private messages telling me that opening up to my wife was one of the dumbest things I did. According to them she will lose attraction for me and will no longer respect me as a man. I must admit it made me freak out and wonder if I made a mistake which will result her losing attraction.

 

This is probably dumb but can all these men be wrong?

 

Those men know that you easily believe what you read online so they are trying to get a rise out of you.

 

That or they are jealous that you had the balls to open up to her and that she stayed with you.

 

They live such productive lives.

[Woggle]

Those men know that you easily believe what you read online so they are trying to get a rise out of you.

 

That or they are jealous that you had the balls to open up to her and that she stayed with you.

 

They live such productive lives.

 

These men genuinely are bitter but there has to be some reason for that bitterness.

 

As a man none of what you hear scares you. When you read some of these divorce stories it doesn't throw you into doubt at all?

[Pyro]

These men genuinely are bitter but there has to be some reason for that bitterness.

 

As a man none of what you hear scares you. When you read some of these divorce stories it doesn't throw you into doubt at all?

 

From what I read on here its because they get insulted if a woman rejects him. Some men think that they should never get rejected.

 

NO IT DOES NOT SCARE ME. Everyone is different and unique. I refuse to live in a world of fear and hate.

[threebyfate]

Also I will not name any names but I have had men send me private messages telling me that opening up to my wife was one of the dumbest things I did. According to them she will lose attraction for me and will no longer respect me as a man. I must admit it made me freak out and wonder if I made a mistake which will result her losing attraction.

 

This is probably dumb but can all these men be wrong?

What kind of sick and twisted people would deliberately mess with someone who has issues like you do? Best to examine why you would listen to such cruel individuals who would say these things to hurt you and your marriage.

[Woggle]

Not defending them but I think it is a sincere belief. People have no idea what it does to a man when he shows a woman his heart and she stomps on it.

[Pyro]

Not defending them but I think it is a sincere belief. People have no idea what it does to a man when he shows a woman his heart and she stomps on it.

 

People have no idea? You are the only person in existence to have your heart broken?

[Woggle]

People have no idea? You are the only person in existence to have your heart broken?

 

I am not but most of these men have had their heart broken. In a society that criticizes men for being emotionally closed off when we put our emotions on the line for a woman and they get played with it is hard to open up again after that.

[Woggle]

I also feel like if I give up this anger it sort of lets my mother, ex and others who did me wrong off scott free. It feels like excusing their actions if I stop being vigiliant. I know my ex is in prison but kind of consequence has my mother ever suffered? This sounds twisted but it is sort of a sick revenge that my mother who is a feminist has a son who is a misogynist. It's sort of like a homophobic preacher having a gay or lesbian child.