Gulf-Delta Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 ^^^ Seems a lot easier to do NC when you're in a hurtful, abusive relationship. I'm on day 2 of NC with my EX and it's been brutal. She sent me a text yesterday and just tried calling me 1 1/2 hours ago, but I reluctantly just let it keep ringing. We both love each other, and are deeply in love with each other but she needs to figure her life out. I'd welcome her back with open arms tomorrow if she came to my door, but I understand why she's leaving -- I tended to look at our relationship with rose-tinted classes and always overlooked all the bad things about her: her financial irresponsibility, her underlying cynicism and her wishy-washiness. I still love her and think about her all the time, but she needs to understand what she's going to be missing with me not being there for her. She still wants to be friends, but I think it's naive to think that, and as much as I'd love to be friends with her -- it's going to be near impossible if we both still love each other, it just won't feel right, not until we're "over" each other... if that ever happens.' How do you know she still loves you? Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenMirror Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 How do you PM someone? Link to post Share on other sites
Gulf-Delta Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 How do you PM someone? Click the name of the user, and there will be a little menu that pops up... Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenMirror Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Not going to lie this crossed my mind earlier but our of respect and avoiding stereotypes, didn't want to say anything. Even though I don't like getting into other people's cultures, religion, etc., an arranged marriage is plain wrong. I really can't imagine the position you're in. I'm personally not to big a fan of it either. But if it comes to that, whatever I guess. I don't know where I'll be a few years from now. And I am 50/50 with the idea. I believed in love marriages till my Ex If I don't find someone, then I guess hello arranged marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenMirror Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Well I'm A girl...so I'd hope to Marry a guy. And I broke NC... Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenMirror Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I texted him. I told him i had randomly remembered the time he had switched seats with me on a school trip because the seat I was sitting on had the AC next to it and I was shivering in my sleep. He made me switch with him. He said that he had remembered that too on his car trip to another state. Abs that he hadn't contacted me because he had been busy and that he would tell me about his trip when he got back I dreamt of him. That I was kissing him with as much lOve as I could and I told him I was falling in love with him again. He walked away from me and said were broken up. Link to post Share on other sites
ladyabstrused Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Thanks lady! These four days of NC have given me plenty of space and I realize that he isn't on my mind 24/7 you know? He just pops ina nd out of my thoughts every now and then and that is about it. I don't find myself pining over him, waiting for him to text. I miss him at times and worry that the next guy I date will be an arse lol He will come back to your mind now and then... it's still early and fresh for you. It gets easier as the days go by though. Just continue to keep yourself busy and occupied. Yeah sure some nights you'll probably feel like sh*t. But it'll get better, trust me. We broke up at the end of January but remained somewhat close until April and since then have been LC or NC Wow...does it help to continue some contact with your ex after your break-up? I mean... it's like.. difficult to get over an ex if you remain contact.. it's difficult to heal too I think cos your emotions are always there for that person. I do the same. There are not many people I can talk to about this. BM, you can always write here to talk to us about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Gulf-Delta Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Wow...does it help to continue some contact with your ex after your break-up? I mean... it's like.. difficult to get over an ex if you remain contact.. it's difficult to heal too I think cos your emotions are always there for that person. Well the Jan-April contact was us trying to talk it out...maybe scale things back and just "date". It was a super confusing time for both of us really. My life was flipped upside down...she didn't know what she wanted. We still said we loved each other, still spent lots of time together...even slept in the same bed (no sex). I can speak to the benefits of that kind of contact for others. My heart was in a dark place...still is sometimes, and so my heart was telling me to allow and pursue contact and everything. I'm not a big subscriber to the "rules" and games of breaking up. I just do what my heart wants me to do. Even after april I would call every now and then, and we were amicable and polite toward each other...but for whatever reason, especially recently, my heart just got fed up, and I haven't talked to her in 18 days. I guess I just realized there's no point to it anymore. The thing is NC is necessary, but so soon after a breakup, it was impossible for me. In april, when I initiated NC, I was a wreck. I cried everyday, couldn't eat, barely slept. I remember when I was being told no contact, the urges to talk to her, for whatever reason, were unbearable, because my heart wasn't ready for that kind of shock yet...I needed to get the contact out of my system I guess. Everyone has or should have a different way of coping with everything. This blanket "NC immediatly" stuff wasn't for me. No, I'm not "over" my ex, and never fully will be I guess. She played a huge role in my life, she was very good to me until the end, and that's how I remember her. I still tihnk of her all the time, and miss her like crazy. But after easing into NC, I know things hurt a lot less. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenMirror Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Mina I broke NC too. My ex who has no intentions of getting back together wants to hang out at the bookstore. I want to say yes and no. So conflicted. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenMirror Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Mines has already told me that he has no intention of getting back with me and that he will always love me. And I do believe him on that one. He doesn't open up to people easily, let alone date. I was his first and most likely his last. And I am attending courses at his local Uni for the summer, so I will be there. I don't want to meet him and I want to meet him at the same time. He said that he liked to hang out at the bookstore with people he know's. And thats why he wants to hang out. A month ago he wanted nothing to do with me. He didn't want to talk to me, let alone see me. And now, all of a sudden, he WANTS to meet up. I'm confused. I CAN'T move on while knowing that the ONLY reason he won't date me is trust issues. Link to post Share on other sites
ladyabstrused Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Well the Jan-April contact was us trying to talk it out...maybe scale things back and just "date". It was a super confusing time for both of us really. My life was flipped upside down...she didn't know what she wanted. We still said we loved each other, still spent lots of time together...even slept in the same bed (no sex). I can speak to the benefits of that kind of contact for others. My heart was in a dark place...still is sometimes, and so my heart was telling me to allow and pursue contact and everything. I'm not a big subscriber to the "rules" and games of breaking up. I just do what my heart wants me to do. Even after april I would call every now and then, and we were amicable and polite toward each other...but for whatever reason, especially recently, my heart just got fed up, and I haven't talked to her in 18 days. I guess I just realized there's no point to it anymore. The thing is NC is necessary, but so soon after a breakup, it was impossible for me. In april, when I initiated NC, I was a wreck. I cried everyday, couldn't eat, barely slept. I remember when I was being told no contact, the urges to talk to her, for whatever reason, were unbearable, because my heart wasn't ready for that kind of shock yet...I needed to get the contact out of my system I guess. Everyone has or should have a different way of coping with everything. This blanket "NC immediatly" stuff wasn't for me. No, I'm not "over" my ex, and never fully will be I guess. She played a huge role in my life, she waskvery good to me until the end, and that's how I remember her. I still tihnk of her all the time, and miss her like crazy. But after easing into NC, I know things hurt a lot less. I totally understand. Not everyone copes with a break up the same way. Though yes, while NC will allow one to heal, it really depends if you're ready to start healing or not. It's like you have to go through a mourning stage first, or the coming to reality stage first. I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you. If you feel that you will never be fully over your ex, does that mean you won't ever be ready to date again? Or is this not an intention of yours at all? He said that he liked to hang out at the bookstore with people he know's. And thats why he wants to hang out. A month ago he wanted nothing to do with me. He didn't want to talk to me, let alone see me. And now, all of a sudden, he WANTS to meet up. I'm confused. I CAN'T move on while knowing that the ONLY reason he won't date me is trust issues. It sucks to be in your position. My ex had major trust issues..from the past as well as from our own relationship. These trust issues will drag long and far ahead of the relationship if things don't improve. I'm sorry, I didn't quite follow your story and a bit tired lol to go look (sorry lol) but it would be good to know what happened that broke you guys up? Who did it? *hugs* Hope you feel better soon. I broke NC today. I really am going for closure, and depending on the response (or lack there of) I will be able to move forward. All right. If you do feel that you found closure, prepare yourself also for more hurt. Sometimes it's a positive hurt, cos you got your closure now and then you can let it all out. But if it's the kind that only confuses you, I think you know what you need to do after that. Just be careful and good luck with getting closure. Hope it will help you with healing. *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
Gulf-Delta Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I totally understand. Not everyone copes with a break up the same way. Though yes, while NC will allow one to heal, it really depends if you're ready to start healing or not. It's like you have to go through a mourning stage first, or the coming to reality stage first. I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you. If you feel that you will never be fully over your ex, does that mean you won't ever be ready to date again? Or is this not an intention of yours at all? LOL. It's weird because there's actually two girls I have my eye on now, but...IDK, they're not my ex you know. They're very beautiful, and are funny, etc...but I don't think I could marry them. There just isn't THAT kind of connection you know. I guess, I wouldn't feel right just dating a girl and not making it serious...even if it was alright, I don't know how that would actually go..."Oh hey, you're a nice girl, but I don't wanna marry you...let's just spend a bunch of time together and have sex." There was an instant connection with my ex, that I have yet to find anywhere else. When I said I'll never be over my ex, I kinda just meant, I'll always love her in someway. Like, there's a history there that nothing can change. I'll always remember that she was really good to me at one point, and we really truly loved each other....I guess I meant, I'll always respect the memories and have a special place for her in my heart, you know? Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenMirror Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Just got off the phone with her again. We got to laughing and talking about the relationship. I'm still hurting quite a bit, but I really have some hope for the first time in a while. That happend with me and my ex. I cried after we were done laughing. And as for what happened after we broke up? Nothing. He initiated NC and ignored me completely. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenMirror Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 Then Mina, you can't wait. You're still in love with her. But she's already starting to move on. How long will you wait? Will you wait for her through every relationship she goes in? At some point, you HAVE to start thinking about Mina. Not Mina's Girlfriend. I'm pissed off at my ex. He didn't want to see me when I kept asking and now that he's decided that he has punished me enough, he wants to hang out. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenMirror Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 Aww what a beautiful puppy I know it hurts to see her date other people. Thinking about my ex dating brings tears to my eyes and it makes me furious. But at the same time, if she feels well enough to date other guys, let her. Remember what the people on her told us? They said that every single time that you want to break No Contact, or you think about going back to the other person, make a list of all the bad things that happened between you two. And say that list out loud to someone, or yourself. I personally feel that if she's dating so soon after you breaking up, then how genuine was the love from her side? And if she is moving soon, that's good. Because then you will get a true break. You don't have to worry about running into her anytime soon or even about seeing her WITH someone else. When I thought about me having to move out of state for school and my ex staying here, I told him that if he did love me, he wouldn't date. Because it brought uncontrollable jealousy to me to think he would. If you really want to make them work, long distance relationships CAN work. And thinking about you dating someone other than her should have made your ex furious. Instead she is fine with it? Questionable... Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenMirror Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 That "puppy" is now 80 pound pure German Shepard and while just as adorable, is not so small anymore. I think that pic is from last October. Yeah that was me Right now, she's said trying something new. She's just trying to have fun with friends and enjoy herself. She said that she is only in the starting phases of dating him, but not bf/gf at the moment, and that she's been on dates with other guys. I want her to be happy, and God's knows she deserves happiness. I don't know if I've gone into detail about her past, but its not pretty and triggers the worst few people in me. If she is happy doing this, I want her to be happy. But telling me she still has some feelings for me gives me a lot of hope, but I just don't know how to advance. You're telling me about having a worst past. I used to cut my wrists and was depressed for two years. I've moved on since then and don't do it anymore. I've healed. My ex told me he loved me. I felt like everything was going to go back to normal. We would date and be happy. And then he also said he wasn't going to date me, so that all went to hell and beyond. I love him. I will always love him. But dating him? I don't know about that. I kinda want to but I don't want to either. Because he hurt me. He left me at the point where I cried myself to sleep and where I thought about hurting myself again. The same person who took away those feelings brought them back x 10 worse. He told me I was a bit** and that I could rot in hell and so much other hurtful stuff. He told me I could die and that he wouldn't marry me and that he didn't want to have kids with me and wouldn't do so if he was the last person on earth and I was the last woman in the world. And after that he apologized and said he had changed and the old him would have never said that. And that he needed to control himself. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenMirror Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 I am sure she will find happiness. In the end, we all will. And if dating other guys is what is making her happy, then that's good. My ex is like my blankie. He's familiar and I feel safe and secure with him. He's my safety net. And hypothetically we do get married, I will have to cut off from my family. Idk if I can do that Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenMirror Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 Well, they're pretty strict so i dont know how that would end...but our exs are the issues right now Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenMirror Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 Yeah. I don't know if I can hurt my parents like that, as in, to get through to them. They've done a lot for me, and I owe them a lot. But in the end, I can't let them decide the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with. I know they would pick someone suitable and good, someone deserving of me, but it's something I can't come to terms with. Maybe, one day I will. But right now, I can't really. As for my ex, I think I'm going to meet up with him. Can't hurt more than it already does. I want to see what exactly happens and if it will be awkward. It probably won't be awkward, but I'm still hoping. And I texted him, and well, old habits of his die hard apparently because he has yet to text back Link to post Share on other sites
ladyabstrused Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 LOL. It's weird because there's actually two girls I have my eye on now, but...IDK, they're not my ex you know. They're very beautiful, and are funny, etc...but I don't think I could marry them. There just isn't THAT kind of connection you know. I guess, I wouldn't feel right just dating a girl and not making it serious...even if it was alright, I don't know how that would actually go..."Oh hey, you're a nice girl, but I don't wanna marry you...let's just spend a bunch of time together and have sex." There was an instant connection with my ex, that I have yet to find anywhere else. When I said I'll never be over my ex, I kinda just meant, I'll always love her in someway. Like, there's a history there that nothing can change. I'll always remember that she was really good to me at one point, and we really truly loved each other....I guess I meant, I'll always respect the memories and have a special place for her in my heart, you know? Yeah I know what you mean there. I don't think anyone will match up to her if she really is that special in your heart. I just hope that you will be able to find some sort of happiness even if it is to be with someone else. Feelings can't be forced...so I know what you mean about not being able to connect with the other girls even though you're interested in them. I wish you all the best though. I hate myself for paying attention to all of the NC advise here and for not reaching out sooner. I'm pretty sure I'm more of a wreck now than the actual breakup. I believe things happen for a reason. How is it possible for her to find someone new so soon? You don't think there's any meaning to that? Im really hoping it doesn't end up that way. Part of me wants to try and go for it, part of me wants to let her be happy. Maybe I'll wait it out until her current fling ends. I waited through 2 relationships before. She still has some feelings for me, but she's also starting to like the other guy. This is obviously telling you that she's moving on. If she still has feelings for you, I don't think she'd be wanting to move on with a new guy. She's moving on and perhaps you can get her back but if she's already confessing to liking this other dude, what's to stop her from going further ahead? And hypothetically we do get married, I will have to cut off from my family. Idk if I can do that If you're not feeling sure about it, it's only going to make you feel miserable unless you truly feel you can cut off from them. Sure you can try and make the sacrifice...but eventually if you don't really deal with it, it can eat you up inside and that'll only affect your relationship with him and may cause you to resent him in the future. Yeah. I don't know if I can hurt my parents like that, as in, to get through to them. They've done a lot for me, and I owe them a lot. But in the end, I can't let them decide the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with. I know they would pick someone suitable and good, someone deserving of me, but it's something I can't come to terms with. Maybe, one day I will. But right now, I can't really. As for my ex, I think I'm going to meet up with him. Can't hurt more than it already does. I want to see what exactly happens and if it will be awkward. It probably won't be awkward, but I'm still hoping. And I texted him, and well, old habits of his die hard apparently because he has yet to text back Why do you keep trying if he keeps ignoring you? I thought you were going to do NC? Link to post Share on other sites
2muchlove Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 I just got off the phone with her. We talked for an hour. She's still trying to make sure I'm ok and doing well. I'm really confused on what to do. Sorry man, that's really tough. I think if you really love this girl, and she's giving those kinds of signals I would take some time. Think about what you want. And if you still truly love and want her in your life, come up with a game plan to win her back. But ONLY if you're able to prepare for the worst outcome because it's not a sure thing by any means. Just make sure you're cool and confident in your approach. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladyabstrused Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Sorry man, that's really tough. I think if you really love this girl, and she's giving those kinds of signals I would take some time. Think about what you want. And if you still truly love and want her in your life, come up with a game plan to win her back. But ONLY if you're able to prepare for the worst outcome because it's not a sure thing by any means. Just make sure you're cool and confident in your approach. Mina, I think I pretty much agree with 2muchlove in the above post. The situation on her side seems pretty unknown and quite confusing to an extent. I don't really know what to say but whatever you decide to do or think is best, just make sure you do prepare yourself for the worst so you won't end up being too hurt by the outcome. Good luck, Mina. *hugs* Keep us updated. Link to post Share on other sites
ladyabstrused Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Okay, I read your background story on this. Thank you for the link. I think the posters in your other thread gave you really good advice and I couldn't agree more with most of what they say. So I shall not repeat anymore of those things, but do read them again and keep an open mind. In my opinion, you are waiting for an indefinite outcome that may never be. If that's what you want, uncertainties and feeling stuck in a situation where you still wonder about your ex and wish she'd come back, then by all means, it's your life. Yes of course there are possibilities of you two ending up together again, but in the meantime, she wants to date other people while you sit there and watch her be with other guys. I think you owe it to yourself to be happy and healthy, no matter what. If this girl loves you truthfully, she'll be back on her own. You don't even have to try. Why? Because you've been in a relationship with her and she knows you well enough and there were no misunderstandings that had occurred. It was a mutual relationship, it was a mutual break-up. Personally I think it's really selfish of her to tell you that you can continue to pursue her if you want when she's uncertain of whether she'd be with you again or not. But she has already said she wants to date other people and have fun so that itself is a clue. I'm not judging her, but she probably meant well with the things she told you but she should know that she's keeping you hanging by a thread here and at any moment it can snap and you'd be hurt. I know you love her deeply. But in order for you to know whether she truly loves you and will come back, is to just to continue to do your own thing and move forward. You don't even have to do NC if you don't want to. But it seems like with contacting her, it's difficult for you to move on fully. Honestly? I don't think she feels the same way about you anymore and when that happens...it's kinda hard to get it back. Link to post Share on other sites
ladyabstrused Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Yeah, that's what I thought too... that she might be having issues with her guy. If she says that she doesn't want to see you get hurt, I would take that as a "I'm sorry, I don't really have feelings for you anymore and don't want to get back with you....and I like this other guy now so I don't want to see you get hurt by telling you all these things cos you're a good guy." I'd take it that she's afraid to say those things before she says the part "I don't want to see you get hurt". Link to post Share on other sites
ladyabstrused Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 She may not have the same feelings for you anymore. But that also doesn't mean she doesn't care about you. I know for sure that I turned bitter towards my ex...but didn't really stop caring in a way. Link to post Share on other sites
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