Metal_Muffin Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 Hi, So...I'm getting married next year and I can't wait. It's going to be amazing and I have put so much effort into trying to make it the perfect day. Although like many couples, I'm sure, we fight. Sometimes though the fights are hurtful, childish and go on for too long. My other half had a tough upbringing and it shows even now, I did not. I'm used to being able to talk about things, cry my eyes out and move on. He's used to no one really caring and beng by himself. So for instance he has now been sulking for two days, today he sends me a txt at work which really upset me and he has now admitted to doing this for a reaction. We are both so stubborn, he won't say sorry!! Ever!! It's always my fault. He will say sorry for sulking etc but always blame the reason for doing so on me. Don't get me wrong I love him, I love him so much but at the same time I have never in my life met someone so infuriating!!! These fights worry me at times though. Not day to day and they aren't something that happens all the time. I'm worried because it does hurt me, I worry because it makes me insecure even for the shortest amount of time. My issue is what If this never changes, what happens when we have a family and our children annoy him, will he sulk?! I couldn't be without him, please don't let this make you think that i am in a content unhappy relationship. That's what makes it worse, when he's good or just normal he's amazing and this behaviour just means he lets himself down!! Will this ever change? Will he grow up?? Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 Read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". My issue is what If this never changes It will change. If you allow it, it will get worse. what happens when we have a family and our children annoy him, will he sulk?! Yes. That's what makes it worse, when he's good or just normal he's amazing and this behaviour just means he lets himself down!! Know that both the good and bad are parts of him. When he is sulky or mean or angry, that is part of him too. If you marry him, you won't be just marrying the "normal" part of him. You'll be marrying the other part too. Will this ever change? It might. Read the book I noted above. Learn to set boundaries for yourself. Learn to speak up for what is and isn't acceptable to you. Learn to be secure in yourself and trust your own instincts. He'll either grow with you, or he'll be left behind, and you'll have your answer. Will he grow up?? Only if he wants to. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 Oh and ABSOLUTELY DO NOT marry him until this issue is resolved. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cold_Hard_Truth Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 Hi, My issue is what If this never changes, what happens when we have a family and our children annoy him, will he sulk?! Have you ever heard the quote, "Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." This is your reality. This will never change and you need to realize that it will probably get worse once you get married. Once your married and have little ones on the way, your both going to be stressed out far more than you are now. Can you handle a marriage like that for the rest of your life? Marriage and kids are no cakewalk and you need to have an extremely strong relationship to get through it. If you go into this with the way things are, it won't last. I'm sorry, but I see so many couples in your position and someone needs to give them a wakeup call. He will NEVER change. Link to post Share on other sites
MollyBrown Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 My husband and I had the issues you describe for the first nine years of our marriage. It changed when we both finally started to understand what we were doing wrong. At the first sign of a conflict, he would withdraw completely and sulk. This would infuriate me. I would approach him and try to engage him a conversation about the problem and he would sulk more. This would lead to me having a one sided argument with him, which he interpreted as nagging. Then he would finally either yell something really hurtful at me and/or leave. It was so frustrating. I agree with Pteromom that you should resolve it before you marry. I think it will just get worse if you don't. We were finally jarred out of the bad habits through a combination of a marital crisis and growing up, I think. Trust me, you don't want to go through years of frustration when it may or may not get better. My advice is to fix it before you marry him. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 Sounds like a style miss to me, augmented by FOO differences. Try some PMC and see how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 It sounds like you both have communication issues, and both need to learn to disagree and argue productively. Your way of fighting it out, crying your eyes out and just moving on is no better than his way of withdrawing and shutting down and sulking. There are ways to talk about things without escalating into a fight. There are ways to phrase things so that you don't sound like you're criticizing. There are ways to defuse a fight. Both of you need to do some reading about how to fight fair. But you also need to learn a lot about communicating. I agree with carhill that some pre-marital counseling would do you both a world of good. You've been putting a LOT of thought and planning into your wedding day. Do the same for your marriage - get some help from professionals. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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