I think this time is real..told MM that we should end A, and he agreed/promised too.

[Mount]

I think this time is real..I just told MM that we should end A as I was intentionally asking him where our relationship is going, and asked him if he is going to leave his marriage/wife (they have been together over 35 years). Obvioulsy he can not make decision now, he does not see him leaving marriage at this moment.

 

Then I told him that for myself sanity, even though I love him so much, we should not see each other anymore, just keep professional work relationship. He agrees, so guess this time it is for real.

 

From my mind I knew he is not going to leave marriage (at least point), basically I just want to use his answer to harden my heart to end the A. I am of course at a loss, but since we started to have physical affair and see each other weekly basis from late May, right now it is still good timing to end.

 

Your opinion? and pls keep me being strong.

Edited July 6, 2012 by Mount

[Mount]

Anyone can offer support and opinion? I need strength...

[Mount]

Anyone can offer support and opinion? I need strength...being strong for myself coz I don't have family or close friends in the country/city I am currently living in.

 

He was telling me that he has been working hard as over the 35 marriage thus he does not really want to split the assets and monetary stuff what he has accumulated with his wife, since for sure she will want half. Also he said he still have feeling to his wife as a family member, his children's mother.

 

By the way, his kids are all close to 30 years old.

[Mount]

I don't think so, as yesterday afternoon my question to him regarding if he would leave wife/marriage seem to be it is kind of ultimatum for him, as I knew he is not going to. So he knew now I would not continue carrying on A with him based on his answer yesterday.

 

He'll be back.

[Mount]

Anyone here....:confused:

[Spark1111]

Mount, married for 35 years? He is not going anywhere.

 

But you can and you should. Be prepared to be contacted the next time he is bored or lonely or wanting some companionship.

 

Focus on you; get busy with life, take some classes, meet some new people.

 

And don't pick up the phone or answer a text or email from him.

[whichwayisup]

He isn't going to throw away 35 years of marriage. Believe that.

Yes, end it, grieve and move on with your life, find a (single) man who only loves you and can give you more than just an affair.

[Mount]

I knew it from the very beginning, and the MM was content with me having A with him without asking him leaving marriage/wife. But now I change mind - I want to stop A, thus using the ultimate request to him for terminating the A.

 

He isn't going to throw away 35 years of marriage. Believe that.

Yes, end it, grieve and move on with your life, find a (single) man who only loves you and can give you more than just an affair.

[Flabbergaster]

Obvioulsy he can not make decision now, he does not see him leaving marriage at this moment.

 

Then I told him that for myself sanity, even though I love him so much, we should not see each other anymore, just keep professional work relationship. He agrees, so guess this time it is for real.

 

 

Your opinion? and pls keep me being strong.

 

xMM perspective

 

Mount I am so proud of you.

So many OW/OM avoid the topic "where is this going?" and/or lie to themselves. Many MM/MW manipulate away from this topic. I never had to...she avoided it like a third rail, out of fear.

 

You got the truth. It sucks, but it will set you free. You were strong enough to ask, you're strong enough to move forward.

 

There are only two answers he could have given you:

A. "i'm leaving her today, i will move out tonight to a hotel/friend's couch and get a lawyer in the morning"

B. anything else

 

You got B, which translates to "I'm not leaving for you, period." The "not at this time," is an attempt to maintain status quo (trust an xMM). You just gave him a defining moment, it will never be more important for him to say A if he wants that than it is today. He didn't say A...which means he never will. I'm sorry.

 

You've been seeing him since May? Ok this is great. See, this is not going to be ANYWHERE near as painful as it is for others. Imagine what it would be like to be in the same limbo with him for...a year...3 years...10 years. Do you want to be in pain that long? Many here have been (M and W alike).

 

Your next steps...MAKE the change. Sounds like you see him professionally; that sucks. Define ground rules for such contact. hint: NEVER alone, preferably not sitting next to or across from each other (no footsie bs), etc.

Rip him out of your life. Block his emails. Maybe change your email. Get an app to block him on your phone. Tell him that communication is over. Box up (or burn, if you're ready) all mementos. MAKE this ending real.

Oh yeah, tell him "this affair is damaging to both of us. It is now over. please do not contact me for anything nonprofessional. I wish you happiness and peace."

 

Best way to get out of an A: ask him/her to leave for you

Best way to build to that: ask yourself how long you are willing to be just 'on the side.'

[Artie Lang]

sounds like you're going around in circles.

[Mount]

Hi Flabbergaster.......wow wow.....thank you thank you for such a great reply, it is just what I want - insights and encouragement. (And you are a guy? I suppose, as you said you are XMM??)

 

Believe me when the A was just started, from my mind I knew it is not going anywhere but I tried not to think or ask "where is this going" question. But over the last 50ish days I feel like being the OW is really disrepectful for myself, low-life... and I am really not kind of person (I am not saying I am a big shot...you know what I meant).

 

And also believe me, at the very first beginning I did say to the MM that the A is very destructive, unhealthy...but of coure he manipulated away saying such as how come loving someone being destructive....etc.

 

I asked the ultimatum question, it is not a (mind) game, instead it is a strategy to move the MM away from me whilst I determine to end the A. As my MM is most afraid of losing his 50% assets, his relationship with adult children, he still has strong feeling towards his wife as the family member and other reasons he had said, so that is for sure he was not going to cave to my request.

 

As per "Artie Lang" mentioned, I don't think it would go circle again as the MM knows what I will ask again.

 

 

 

 

xMM perspective

 

Mount I am so proud of you.

So many OW/OM avoid the topic "where is this going?" and/or lie to themselves. Many MM/MW manipulate away from this topic. I never had to...she avoided it like a third rail, out of fear.

 

You got the truth. It sucks, but it will set you free. You were strong enough to ask, you're strong enough to move forward.

 

There are only two answers he could have given you:

A. "i'm leaving her today, i will move out tonight to a hotel/friend's couch and get a lawyer in the morning"

B. anything else

 

You got B, which translates to "I'm not leaving for you, period." The "not at this time," is an attempt to maintain status quo (trust an xMM). You just gave him a defining moment, it will never be more important for him to say A if he wants that than it is today. He didn't say A...which means he never will. I'm sorry.

 

You've been seeing him since May? Ok this is great. See, this is not going to be ANYWHERE near as painful as it is for others. Imagine what it would be like to be in the same limbo with him for...a year...3 years...10 years. Do you want to be in pain that long? Many here have been (M and W alike).

 

Your next steps...MAKE the change. Sounds like you see him professionally; that sucks. Define ground rules for such contact. hint: NEVER alone, preferably not sitting next to or across from each other (no footsie bs), etc.

Rip him out of your life. Block his emails. Maybe change your email. Get an app to block him on your phone. Tell him that communication is over. Box up (or burn, if you're ready) all mementos. MAKE this ending real.

Oh yeah, tell him "this affair is damaging to both of us. It is now over. please do not contact me for anything nonprofessional. I wish you happiness and peace."

 

Best way to get out of an A: ask him/her to leave for you

Best way to build to that: ask yourself how long you are willing to be just 'on the side.'

[awkward]

You did the right thing by ending it. My advice is to get a new job and don't look back. Good luck.