Maybe a different outcome

[whichwayisup]

I would not go back to ex-MM because I don't have those kind of feelings for him anymore.

 

Can you go a day or two without thinking of him? Speaking to him? You may not have 'feelings' for him in that way, but you may still be emotionally attached to him. If he was cruel to you for whatever reason, would you hurt and cry? Would it ruin your day? Or would you just think whatever, he's being a d.ck and go on with your day like nothing happened? Just wondering what sort of emotional power he still has on you and the effect of it in your life.

 

I do care and sorry if some of what I've said or am saying is coming off harshly.

 

I just think a true friend to begin with would ever treat someone like he treated you. You endured hell because of him... Is he really worth it?

[Tenacity]

Can you go a day or two without thinking of him? Speaking to him? You may not have 'feelings' for him in that way, but you may still be emotionally attached to him. If he was cruel to you for whatever reason, would you hurt and cry? Would it ruin your day? Or would you just think whatever, he's being a d.ck and go on with your day like nothing happened? Just wondering what sort of emotional power he still has on you and the effect of it in your life.

 

I do care and sorry if some of what I've said or am saying is coming off harshly.

 

I just think a true friend to begin with would ever treat someone like he treated you. You endured hell because of him... Is he really worth it?

 

WWIU - I respect you more than almost anyone here and I value your opinions a great deal. I appreciate everything you said and you always make me think.

 

As I said, I am okay with things that may come off harshly; it is just the people who have nothing to say except cruel insults that get to me.

 

He isn't an easy person to get along with (I would not want to be his W) in many ways, and yes, sometimes he still does or says things that aren't perfect. I do as well; my other friends do as well. The difference is that now he apologizes when this happens and takes responsibility. And it is typically small issues that are involved. When it happens it doesn't devastate me or ruin my day; I just go on.

 

Am I emotionally attached to him? Maybe, to some extent. Do I 'need' to talk to him or think about him every day? No, I don't feel that I do. The way I feel towards him has completely changed.

 

Part of the reason it was necessary that we maintain some sort of friendship is that we run a business together. I could have bailed out, but why? It was something I enjoyed and still is.

[TurningTables]

Hiya T. Welcome back. I remember you. We both joined around the same time. I just have a couple of questions for you and then I will say what I gotta say..

 

1. You said that his W knows that you guys had sex. Does she know about the baby?

 

2. You said you guys work together or is it just a buisness adventure? Does this affect your job/career? His?

 

3. Did you guys ever go a full NC? If so, for how long?

[Tenacity]

Hiya T. Welcome back. I remember you. We both joined around the same time. I just have a couple of questions for you and then I will say what I gotta say..

 

Hi there TT, I remember you as well! How are you doing? I need to read some back posts and catch up with everyone. Most of the thread-starters here were new from the time that I actively posted. My answers below in bold:

 

1. You said that his W knows that you guys had sex. Does she know about the baby? I know that she knows we were intimate because she told me. As for the baby, he said he told her, but I only have his word on that, so no proof one way or another.

 

2. You said you guys work together or is it just a buisness adventure? Does this affect your job/career? His? It started out as a business venture but more recently (in the last 3 or so months) it has become a substantial part of both his total income and mine.

 

3. Did you guys ever go a full NC? If so, for how long? We did, for about five months. I actually took over the running of the business during that time, which wasn't optimal, but we didn't have communication. I needed to get to a better place, where I was dependent on myself emotionally rather than on him.

[Artie Lang]

whatever works, i guess.

[awkward]

Tenacity to be honest this friendship is worrisome. I'm happy that it is working for you right now. I worry though that you won't ever let completely go so that you can move on with a healthy relationship.

 

Have you considered that you might be bonded with him due to the trauma of you losing your beautiful baby? (((Tenacity))) I hate to even write that about the baby because I know how it must hurt you to be reminded.

 

I do believe that alternate endings can and do work. But he treated you so horribly. He will never deserve your friendship. He will never deserve anything from you.

Edited July 8, 2012 by awkward

[alexandria35]

I'm sorry everyone sees it that way. My point in posting was to offer a potentially different ending rather than complete zero contact or breaking up marriages to end up together.

 

There are many details which would help in understanding this but which I don't want to share on a public forum.

 

Yes, it was hard to forgive him, but once I was able to look at it objectively (and my own role as well), it was easier to see why some things happened the way they did. He treated me terribly, but I allowed it, and really, what did I expect, entering into a 'relationship' with a man who was married, no matter what condition the marriage was in? I learned some difficult lessons.

 

Maybe it won't work long-term, and if not, then that's okay.

 

Someone asked if I would go 'back to him' if he asked or if he were available. The answer is no and never.

 

So you think that the horrible things he did to you were all because he was married? That his behavior was the norm and that all OW should expect to be treated with cruel heartlessness because hey, that's just the norm for relationships with married men. I disagree. Sure when you're involved with a married man somethings are going to be tough. He can't always be there when you need him, you have to keep things secret, you can't live life freely and openly. However I read your back story and this man sounds personality disordered or mentally ill in some way and the way he treated you was inexcusable, married or not. He is incapable of real love. I'm sure he believes that he feels real love but honestly people like him just don't have the capacity for it. Something is awry in their brain and it doesn't allow them to truly connect with anyone in an authentic honest way. Since you are not intimately involved with him the way you once were, he can fake being a normal good guy with you now because you are no longer as close to him as you were. I spent years in a relatonship with a man like him and it's amazing how we can fool ourselves about who they really are. This happened all of the time to me. He and I would get together, he would be the boyfriend from hell, spawn of the devil nightmare and I would run from the relationship fighting for my sanity. Then we woudn't talk for months and when I would see him, he would seem so normal and well adjusted. He would apologize profusely for how he had hurt me, with real tears even and tell me about all the many ways he is better now and how he was working on his crap, and it was 100% believable. I would be so impressed but as soon as I got close to him again all the same ugly would rear its head and I would see that absolutely nothing had changed. I'd hang around and get more damaged, finally leave and then we'd so the same song and dance all over again. Somehow regardless of how many times I got on the crazy train with him, I would always believe in him when he would present the other side to me. I finally learned that what I see in him depends on how close I am to him. He only abuses those that are close to him. When I see him being healthy, happy, positive and well adjusted I'm seeing the fake persona that he shows to the rest of the world. As soon as their is truly intimacy and closeness he becomes hell on wheels. I have no desire whatsoever to be his friend and certainly not his best friend.

 

It's interesting to me that a year ago you were calling your contact with him an addiction that you couldn't let go of but now you're calling it "being best friends".