FryFish Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 lol... you cant say your arent going to call it a "mistake" because you know its not a mistake and then call it a "slip up"... I dont even have to check my thesaurus to know that those two terms mean the same thing... Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I really like Trimmer's post. He makes a lot of great points. But I think you should just break up with him and not tell him. Telling him that would absolve yourself of guilt, but could cause him irreprepable pain. You're the one who should bear this burden, not him. I see where your coming from. But, I think she should tell him. Will he be mad? Yep! Will he be hurt? Yep! But, I think the pain and the anger would be better than her not telling him and having him always wondering what HE did wrong. What did he do to lose this girl? Did he not pay enough attention to her? Was he not affectionate enough? Did he not show her enough support? Did he spend too much time with his friends? Would that be fair to leave him always wondering what he did or didn't do? But, lets be honest, she isn't going to tell him sh*t. He will continue on in this sham relationship clueless to the betrayal that was done to him. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Hey Cal-----you are 19, you haven't even experienced full on dating---you just hook up into relationships-----if you stay with present BF, by the time you are 27/28 you are gonna be bored with him---it's just the way it is Breakup--don't tell, and get the dating out of your system You are already not feeling guilty, so the love you profess for your BF---ain't really that strong---you need to sow your wild oats, take 4 or 5 years, and get it all out of your system---then settle down and look for a partner for life---if your present BF, is still available, fine----- You got, what, 3 more yrs of this LDR, it won't make it. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 lol... you cant say your arent going to call it a "mistake" because you know its not a mistake and then call it a "slip up"... I dont even have to check my thesaurus to know that those two terms mean the same thing... Oh, I meant to comment on the mistake/slip up thing, too. Just for reference: He is my world and I will not let one slip up (no matter how big it was) overshadow the fact that I love him and have loved him for going on 2 years. I'm not going to call it a "mistake," because really it wasn't, but that doesn't detract from the fact that above all, I love him. Now let's see what we've got here... I knew ahead of time that I can not sustain "friendships" with males, so that was idiotic on my part. ...at the end of class he asked me if we wanted to finish up our conversation over coffee sometime soon. {a couple of weeks later, bowling} ...The night was great, but I wasn't stupid and knew he wanted something out of me (he tried holding my hand, leaning in for a kiss, but I resisted). I also really enjoyed his company as a friend, but realized that that was probably something he wouldn't want from me. {at the pool...} he grabbed me and kissed me. I kissed him back and we ended up making out. I knew I was doing something wrong but I was also entranced by the new thrill... ...before you know it, we were hanging out again the next week - and we ended up kissing and making out again, in his bed. I agree that you can't call that a mistake, but you sure as heck can't call it a "slip up", or use the word "one" to describe it either. You went in to it with a knowledge that it was unlikely you could sustain just a friendship, and you showed awareness all along the way - " I knew ahead of time", "I wasn't stupid, and I knew...", "I realized...", "I knew I was doing something wrong..." - yet even after all those steps, spread out over weeks of time to think and consider, you still ended up in his bed. Don't insult your own intelligence - or your boyfriend's - by calling it "one slip up." Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 At first I like that idea, but I go back and forth. Definitely, if she tells him the truth, then he's going to hurt, big time. But he sounds like a decent guy... if she leaves without telling him why, then he's going to hurt, but it's pretty likely that at some point in his coping process, wandering through what the hell happpened without a solid answer, he'll figure that it must have been his fault - some kind of a deficit on his side - that caused her to leave, and that could be even more damaging for him than the truth. The truth will hurt, but at least he can rightly understand that it was her transgression that caused it, and decide for himself whether he wants to try to get past that, or whether he will stand firm by his boundary. And he won't have a tendency to aim the blame back on himself, where it does not belong. I see where your coming from. But, I think she should tell him. Will he be mad? Yep! Will he be hurt? Yep! But, I think the pain and the anger would be better than her not telling him and having him always wondering what HE did wrong. What did he do to lose this girl? Did he not pay enough attention to her? Was he not affectionate enough? Did he not show her enough support? Did he spend too much time with his friends? Would that be fair to leave him always wondering what he did or didn't do? But, lets be honest, she isn't going to tell him sh*t. He will continue on in this sham relationship clueless to the betrayal that was done to him. Eh, in many cases, the betrayed partner ends up thinking there was someone wrong with them that made their partner stray. "Was I not good enough? Is the other person more attractive than me? Maybe if I had done XYZ they'd have remained faithful?" Why cause him that torture? Unless she tells him in a way that makes it insanely obvious it had nothing to do with him (e.g., "I am a whore and cannot resist temptation!"), it's going to destroy him. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Eh, in many cases, the betrayed partner ends up thinking there was someone wrong with them that made their partner stray. "Was I not good enough? Is the other person more attractive than me? Maybe if I had done XYZ they'd have remained faithful?" Yeah, in many cases that's true, but with not telling him, don't you pretty much guarantee that he will take that same blame upon himself, instead manufacturing any number of hypothetical (but wrong) reasons? I've got to tell you, from experience, that having your head and your heart spinning around the anxiety of not knowing is worse than learning the difficult truth, and then moving on. At least if he knows the truth, he has a basis for moving forward and working through it. Isn't it presumptuous to imaging the need to protect him from himself by withholding the truth? To propose that it would have to be made "insanely obvious" that it had nothing to do with him for this poor, fragile man to bear it? Give him - give men - credit for being able to process the situation, to grow, and to heal in a reality-based context. I would (and this is speaking from specific experience here) much prefer to know the truth and be able to grow from it, than to be protected from it and have to process with nothing to go on, trying to pull lessons of questionable relevance out of thin air. Link to post Share on other sites
tough love Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 I am currently facing the learning about a similar scenario that happened many years ago. You owe it to him and yourself to tell him. It is HIS choice to make whether he chooses to continue the relationship just as it was your choice to decide whether or not to cheat on him. He will resent you denying him the choice and you making a major life choice for him that goes contrary to what you know he would want or do. See my response to the following post. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/334133-tell-dont-tell-2.html Link to post Share on other sites
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