lostinhaze Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 My wife and I have been married for almost eleven months now. She became pregnant while we were engaged and our son is now seven months. The problem is that she and I cannot go through one day without a fight. I love her very deeply, but cannot live every day wondereng when the next bomb will drop. She is very emotional and sometimes I think unstable. She will take the most insignificant thing and create an argument to intensify the situation. Almost as if she needs someone else (me) to be miserable because she's unhappy. We live in a nice home and my income provides her the opportunity to stay home with the baby. This was her decision to stay home, which I completly support. I don't really know how to approach the situation. Our sex life has almost completely dissapeared. There is no physical or emotional contact like we had before the wedding. Prior to marriage we would have sex several times a week. She is consantly complaining that she feels fat and ugly. Which she is not at all! I've tried suggesting that we do activities together like walking, working out, skating, etc. All of which just offend her, because in her mind my suggestions imply that she is overweight. Like I said, I love my wife and having a family. But, I do not know how much longer I can live with someone who just insists on being miserable and full of self pity. How can I approach this? Has anyone else had to deal with an angry newlyweded spouse? I can't help thinking that I could be doing something wrong or different, but have no ideas. Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 Well, I'll give you my take on this. I went through something similar when I had a baby and decided to stay home. On the one hand, I wanted to stay home with my baby. With my first child, I had to work full time when she was young, and really felt guilty that I couldn't give her my full attention. So, when I got the opportunity to stay home with my second, I thought it was going to be great. To be honest, it wasn't as great as I thought it would be. I really lost my sense of who I was. I had always worked, and took pride in my job, and I didn't have that anymore. Plus, I didn't have any adults to talk to. And as much as I loved my baby, and did want to be home with him, it was much harder than I thought it would be. It's very isolating, and mundane. To top it off, I felt guilty, because I wasn't loving it, like I wasn't a good mother. Of course, my poor husband bore the brunt of my unhappiness. I would have been alone all day with the baby, not having talked to another adult, and he would walk in the door in his clean work clothes, while I was in sweats with spit-up all over them. Somehow, it didn't seem fair, that he got to go to work, and I had to stay home. I had to keep reminding myself that staying home was something I wanted. Also, after you have a baby, your body just isn't the same, and you realize it won't ever be the same again. That takes some getting used to. Plus, with your son being only 7 months, your wife's body hasn't gotten back to it's non-baby state yet. The point of me telling you all this, is this, staying home with children is a big adjustment. It seems like your wife may be having a hard time adjusting to this. I think it's time for you to sit down, and have a calm, non-judgmental talk with her, to see if she can tell you what might help her. Something like, "Honey, I'm concerned about you, you seem unhappy, and I love you and don't want you to be unhappy. I'm having trouble figuring out what is making you unhappy." It may be, that a part time job of some kind might help. I don't know where you live, but in my area there are Mother's Day Out programs at local churches, where you can leave your baby/toddler for the morning, to have some time alone. Maybe, something like that would be helpful to give her a break. Maybe, it's more serious than that, and she could benefit from counseling, or even an anti-depressant. She may not have even really acknowledged how unhappy she is yet. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 :lol: I didn't have any newlywed bliss either :lol: I don't think there is such a thing. My husband and I started fighting from day 28. I think we were pretty happy the first month However, by month 7, we were getting along great, all the way up until month 12, then we spiraled downhill FAST. However, now at month 14, we are getting along again. The first year of marriage is the hardest. You are learning so much about each other. Also, bringing a child into the picture so freaking soon is a stew for disaster. If you keep working at it, it'll work out. Now, is your wife abusive? Does she call you names? Does she throw fits over nothing? Does she break things? Do you do any of these things? If not, I don't see a problem. If she starts picking a fight, don't blow a gasket and take it personally, stay calm, and try to talk to her. don't be a smart elec and patronize her. You have to realize, you are out working all day, so when you come home, you want to rest and relax. However, your wife has been home alone alllllll day with a baby. She needs a break from the baby, and she needs some adult attention. You want to be alone, she wants to be together. Therefore, when you try and avoid her, she gets upset, and picks a fight, because she's not even aware of what she's feeling. My husband is home from work by 3 in the summer. I don't get off until minimum 6, maximum 7:30. When I get home, he's had 3 or 4 hours alone, so he greets me at the door, and follows me around while I change out of my clothes. Now, while I love him, and I love attention from him, I just worked 9-11 hours, and I need about 2 hours to myself. Also, I don't feel like coming home to a pile of laundry on the bed I have to remind myself that he's been alone, so he's ready for my attention, whereas I have been working all day, and would like nothing more than to lock myself in a room with nothing but a TV and chips! I've learned to take my me time later in the evening...not immediately after I get off work, but after he's gone to sleep, or I'll take a walk about an hour after I get home. It sounds to me like she just needs some attention. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted July 7, 2004 Share Posted July 7, 2004 Is it possible your wife has a severe post-partum depression? This can be treated. Ask if she'd be willing to talk to her MD about it. Some MD's are not sensitive to this issue...if her's is not, ask for a referral elsewhere. PPD can be devastating. Many people do not seek treatment and spend a year or more feeling absolutely horrible. It can wreck marriages. I would do some research on PPD and see if any of the other people who've suffered from it have had experiences similar to yours. It is treatable! Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 I'd like to praise you for caring enough to be on here asking for advice. Perhaps your wife does need to talk to someone who has been through the experience of having a baby and staying home? Someone to share those feelings with? Ask her if that might help,,,if she is unhappy. Tell her openly you are trying! Tell her what you've told us, gently. You obviously love her very much, and she is obviously going through a tough time, and you are bearing some of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostinhaze Posted July 8, 2004 Author Share Posted July 8, 2004 Thanks for the opinions. I'm glad to see that this is not entirely abnormal behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Azeele Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 Originally posted by lostinhaze The problem is that she and I cannot go through one day without a fight. I love her very deeply, but cannot live every day wondereng when the next bomb will drop. She is very emotional and sometimes I think unstable. She will take the most insignificant thing and create an argument to intensify the situation. Almost as if she needs someone else (me) to be miserable because she's unhappy. She is consantly complaining that she feels fat and ugly. Which she is not at all! I've tried suggesting that we do activities together like walking, working out, skating, etc. All of which just offend her, because in her mind my suggestions imply that she is overweight. Has anyone else had to deal with an angry newlyweded spouse? I can't help thinking that I could be doing something wrong or different, but have no ideas. Here's another suggestion: maybe she is constantly "testing" you by arguing with you - by picking fights. Maybe she wants reassurance or maybe she just wants to test your mettle. Here's an interesting article I've saved on that very topic: http://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove_150/164_relationship_expert.html Here's an excerpt: "I think that women do have an innate need to test and push their men. Why, exactly, must they do it? ...I say that one of the main reasons they push is to see if there's anything there to push up against. They need to know that you have a backbone, that you'll set limits, that you'll stand up for yourself. It makes them feel safe when you won't take any crap. It somehow provides them with reassurance that you are strong enough and confident enough to fight back when you're provoked and that you're capable of protecting them from danger. Trying to check a man's protective capabilities by starting arguments is not totally logical, but it is bio-logical. It's a drive that goes back to the days when the womenfolk huddled in the cave while the men fought off a pack of ravenous saber-toothed tigers. A woman's actual physical survival was dependent on having a strong, brave male at her side who could hunt and kill dangerous animals, and protect her from hostile tribes. That survival-based drive for a provider/protector still motivates the modern female." Link to post Share on other sites
koala bear Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 We live in a nice home and my income provides her the opportunity to stay home with the baby. This was her decision to stay home, which I completly support. Does she still feel that she wants to stay home? Do you help out at home, or do you feel she there all day? Do you come home and complain about work to her? Do you like to here about the bad stuff that happens to her or just the good things the baby does? She is consantly complaining that she feels fat and ugly She telling you how she feels about herself, not complaining. Thinkalot and Karlise13 are right. I would see a doctor. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts