carhill Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 Here's what I found in post #67 in this thread: ''He sobbed hysterically, and begged for just one last shot we can do anything I want, move, go to counseling, whatever just one last time. '' That was the impetus for my subsequent comment. Just one last time. Leave no stone unturned, etc. etc. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 I'm sorry but you need mental help, Shelly. You are NOT acting in the best interests of yourself OR your children. You need to go get checked out by a psychologist, ok? For your kids? Carhill, IMO an LS disclaimer is diff than this and Impersonal. I took the above to be demeaning. And anyway even our opinions that one should see a psychologist, are only opinions. If it makes a difference, when I have an opportunity, I will search Shelly's 3 threads to where she states she & H did 'couples counseling'. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 I'm sorry you feel I was being dismeaning. I have never been disrespectful to Shelly, and I hope she understands that. But I'm becoming increasingly concerned for her decisionmaking and her stress/depression level. She needs someone on her side and there doesn't seem to be anyone. A professional would help her. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 Here's what I found in post #67 in this thread: ''He sobbed hysterically, and begged for just one last shot we can do anything I want, move, go to counseling, whatever just one last time. '' That was the impetus for my subsequent comment. Just one last time. Leave no stone unturned, etc. etc. June 29 Thread: How to get the "exgirlfriend" away from my husband. Post #13, last paragraph - Shelly says: "We've done intense couples counsuling and I've also done it alone to try and better myself for him." Whether one agrees w her reasoning for counseling, the fact remains they have done counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
eeyore1981 Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Well, quite frankly I don't care if Shelly has spent the last 15 years in therapy, it obviously hasn't penetrated. Even though I haven't taken vows with Shelly or made promises to her, or even know her, I am worried as hell about her, worried enough I check this thread three or four times a day to see if she's posted, and when she hasn't, like now, I worry even more. So no, I'm not going to say "Stay with your husband, Shelly, even though he's hit you and cheated on you, verbally abuses you, emotionally abuses you, and rubs his OW and their love child in your face, because, golly gee, Shelly, he did say he was sorry." Nope, not going to say that. I'm worried if Shelly doesn't wake up somehow, she's going to lose everything, and then what? How is she supposed to get by? It's not just finances I'm talking about, how is a woman with no self-esteem, no sense of self-worth, no sense of identity other than through the above mentioned husband, supposed to get by? Shelly needs help, big time, and pretending like being a stepford wife is perfectly natural is not helping her. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 No one has advised her to be a stepford wife. I've merely said she should have a plan for her future before leaving. Also IMO her staying represents more stability for her children, even though teens. Also IMO, the H should show repentance (a complete turn-a-round as well as sorrow), before continuing to sleep w him. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Any update, Shelly? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Any update, Shelly? Shelly, I hope you didn't stop posting because of me. I meant no disrespect; I'm just worried about you. if you changed your mind about leaving your husband, that's fine. We all waffle like that. Just tell us your new plan and we'll help you with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shelly72 Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 Sorry, I've spent most of my day looking into getting help for my son and trying to comfort him. He's angry I didn't file for divorce, when we told him it was a separation he lost control. I never knew that this hurt him so much... Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Sorry, I've spent most of my day looking into getting help for my son and trying to comfort him. He's angry I didn't file for divorce, when we told him it was a separation he lost control. I never knew that this hurt him so much... Boys his age HAVE to protect their mothers. Understand that. It's a rite of passage. It's the age at which they want to pummel their fathers into the ground for hurting their mothers. And he sees YOU slinking off into the darkness instead of the MAN who is hurting you. Listen to your son, Shelly. Stand up for yourself and - by extension - your children. Teach them how to protect themselves by YOU protecting YOURself. Don't just leave the house like a beat-up dog. FIGHT for what you are owed by this man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shelly72 Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 We have talked about him leaving to put let stress on our boy. He doesn't agree with it, but he will for me. After the exchange that took place the other night it might be best for him to go. I'd hate to think about what might happen if I wasn't here to put boundaries between them. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 We have talked about him leaving to put let stress on our boy. He doesn't agree with it, but he will for me. Shelly, your husband is abusive and controlling. Do you want your son to watch you give in and LET him have what he wants, just because he's more aggressive than you? Do you have any idea how screwed up this makes your son? BE STRONG, ok? Make your husband move out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Your son may have acted as if he was going along with the program, but may have his own hurts and burdens. Your husband has brought home another son 'who acts and looks like him'. Probably your son may feel betrayed as well, while being reminded of your H's infidelity. These A's cause splits in the whole family. Stay strong and close to your kids right now. The BS carries a lot of burdens. Perhaps your son has made the decision for you. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 My dad left when I was 12. Picked me up for my weekly just so I could babysit his weekly woman's kids while they had sex. Remarried when I was 16. Told me then that I was old enough to come see him if I wanted to see him (i.e. cut off all access). Adopted his 16 year old son at the same time that he abandoned me. The entire discussion between us about him adopting OW's son took maybe 5 minutes. But it destroyed the rest of my life. That ONE betrayal - defined my life. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 My dad left when I was 12. Picked me up for my weekly just so I could babysit his weekly woman's kids while they had sex. Remarried when I was 16. Told me then that I was old enough to come see him if I wanted to see him (i.e. cut off all access). Adopted his 16 year old son at the same time that he abandoned me. The entire discussion between us about him adopting OW's son took maybe 5 minutes. But it destroyed the rest of my life. That ONE betrayal - defined my life. I Hate This!! That an innocent's life is defined because of someone else's black sins!! My sons' father left them twice. Went on to mention them in his Will as to receive nothing - and left all residuals to OW, her daughter/her grandchild. This kind of unGodly garbage could make people feel less than they are - unnecessarily, and because of a weak parent's misplaced priorities. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Your son is upset with both of you. At his father for the A breaking up the family and favoring his half brother. He's mad at you for not taking a stand and sticking up for all of yourselves. He's feeling unloved and betrayed. I can't blame him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shelly72 Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 When we told him his response was "are you *explicit* kidding? After all this you're just going to let him get away with this again?" I've never heard him talk like that before, I've heard him swear but this was different. Then he said he'd heard the way my husband talked to me and that he better watch his back. My husband told him to "bring it on." it took me aback... I've never heard them talk like that to each other before. Then today I found out he knows a lot more than we thought he did, like that my husband hit me... We thought no one knew. He said I deserve better than my husband and he was happy when I told him that we were going to split up because he thought I finally was able to see what kind of person my husband is... I'm such a bad mom... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 No, no you are not a bad mother. You have brought up your son to recognise abusive behaviour, to strongly disapprove of it and who does not want his mother to be a victim of such abuse. He is wanting to see you genuinely happy. Now does that really sound like bad parenting on YOUR part? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Shelly keep moving forward. Keep being a good mother and a strong, positive role model for your children. Teach them that unacceptable behavior has consequences. Teach them not to accept being mistreated. Teach them to respect themselves by respecting yourself. Remember that they are watching you and learning from you with every decision that you make. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 You're not a bad mother at all, Shelly! But your son is giving you your answer, isn't he? He NEEDS to see you strong here, ok? What you do will define how he makes choices in the future. Your learned helplessness (not standing up to his dad) teaches him how to act. He WANTS you to stand up to him, and (guessing here) make HIM move out. Your daughter, while she may WANT to protect her dad, as all girls do at that age, really is watching you closely. If she doesn't see you stand up to the person who hurts you, she will look for men to hurt HER in future relationships because that's what she's been taught. You're in a great position here to do the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 When we told him his response was "are you *explicit* kidding? After all this you're just going to let him get away with this again?" I've never heard him talk like that before, I've heard him swear but this was different. Then he said he'd heard the way my husband talked to me and that he better watch his back. My husband told him to "bring it on." it took me aback... I've never heard them talk like that to each other before. Then today I found out he knows a lot more than we thought he did, like that my husband hit me... We thought no one knew. He said I deserve better than my husband and he was happy when I told him that we were going to split up because he thought I finally was able to see what kind of person my husband is... I'm such a bad mom... Kids aren't stupid and they know a hell of a lot more than many parents realize. They snoop, they listen in on phone calls and conversations.. Not malicously, but because it's what they do. Hey, I do recall listening in on my parents behind closed doors conversations..Why? I don't know, but I did it.. And I'm sure you all did as youngsters too. You're not a bad mother. And your son is protecting you now. He sees what a selfish man his father is, and how much he's changed. Not for the good either. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Wow...just wow, Shelly. Give yourself, your son and your daughter a break and get away from this man. He has been so disrespectful to you and your children. You are in the middle of the mud, so you don't see it. You see the loss, the mess and whatever you thought you had. You do not have it anymore, if you ever did. Make your children's lives better and stop this insanity. Once he is gone, give yourself the opportunity to be without him. You might be surprised that what you thought was love and desire to stay with him is just the fear of the unknown. Your life and your children's lives, once away from the abuse might be so much better, you will never want to go back and wonder why in the world you did not do it sooner. Then he said he'd heard the way my husband talked to me and that he better watch his back. My husband told him to "bring it on." it took me aback... I've never heard them talk like that to each other before. Please read this and realize this is a dangerous situation. Your son does not deserve this. Maybe he should not have threatened your H, but you are not standing up for yourself and you, you, you are putting your son in a situation where he believes he has to defend you. This is wrong, no matter how you slice it. Gather up some courage and make this right before something tragic happens. You may think I am over-dramatizing this, but for one minute imagine if your son takes matters into his own hands. You are the adult and you need to make this right. It is NOT up to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shelly72 Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 I don't think my husband would ever hurt him. He loves his boy so much I think it might have been to discourage him, because he wouldn't win the fight if he tried. We've been talking about what would happen if he did leave, and he'd still come home after work and be with us and go back to where he was staying to sleep. We both can agree on that if he leaves. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 When we told him his response was "are you *explicit* kidding? After all this you're just going to let him get away with this again?" I've never heard him talk like that before, I've heard him swear but this was different. Then he said he'd heard the way my husband talked to me and that he better watch his back. My husband told him to "bring it on." it took me aback... I've never heard them talk like that to each other before. Then today I found out he knows a lot more than we thought he did, like that my husband hit me... We thought no one knew. He said I deserve better than my husband and he was happy when I told him that we were going to split up because he thought I finally was able to see what kind of person my husband is... I'm such a bad mom... This I can identify with. I believed for a really long time(still do in really down times) that I was/am a bad mom. I was verbally and mentally abused by Mr. Messy..but I was the physical abuser. What I can tell you is my children knew everything even when I thought I hide things well. They knew what Mr. Messy had said(supposedly in private) and how it was said. They knew that I would slap the shyt out of him (supposedly in private) when I was at the end of my rope. They knew that I cried (supposedly in private) after he called me stupid, lazy or a bad mother. After they discovered his cheating, they were afraid to tell me because they thought I would hurt him or myself. After a long while, we talked and I was shocked they had been rooting for me to leave and to find myself. They thought that I was staying because of them and it was a huge burden for them. They felt partially responsible. Don't do that to your children. I know you are confused. That is why you were encouraged to search professional assistance. Your husband is not about the best interest of anyone other than himself. Your son sees this and I suspect so does your daughter but most girls idolize their fathers (especially one with the ability to have several different personas). No matter the advice we give, ultimately you have to believe you deserve more in order to make a step for yourself. Here is a question I would like to pose.....do you want your daughter to be married to someone like her father? I don't want mine to be married to someone like Mr. Messy. Would you be happy if your son was with a woman who brought other children home for him to take care of? I wouldn't want mine to be with someone like that. Yes, I did have to separate Mr. Messy and our son. Things got bad until I made some choices. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 I don't think my husband would ever hurt him. He loves his boy so much I think it might have been to discourage him, because he wouldn't win the fight if he tried. We've been talking about what would happen if he did leave, and he'd still come home after work and be with us and go back to where he was staying to sleep. We both can agree on that if he leaves. Since HE'S having such a profound negative affect on your kids - WHEN he leaves - it may be best to keep him away from your kids and you - for a long while. You and your kids need some time to establish a strong healthy boundary. Timeon your own would be helpful to gain clarity. Be strong - stand firm on keeping the distance from your H. Link to post Share on other sites
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