Is Cheating the answer to my problem?

[soconfusedntor]

I feel like I need to get this out of my chest just for the sake of keeping my sanity. This is my first post here and I am thankful I found this community where I think there are lots of people with great intellect and experience to share, I want to thank you people in advanced for reading and I am sorry for the long post! All of the following is the truth. I am not cheating, not yet at least, but I feel like I want to and thus the reason for my struggle and post here! I am not married and I have no children with this woman I have been with the last 10 years. There were a couple of major life changes in the last few years and I think it may have contributed to the way I feel about our relationship, about 2 1/2 years ago we both had switched jobs and last year we bought a house together. It feels as if the last 3 years of our lives together were very much focused on these two things and it's taken a lot of strength/stamina out of us. Now things are beginning to settle with our jobs and our home is all done, suddenly I feel like I am not in love with her anymore! Well this feeling actually begin sometime ago but I figure this to be a normal down turn in any relationships and things will get better, but instead my feeling is getting worse now. Is there any major resentment between us? Not really! I give everything I have both financially and mentally into the life we built and she appreciates most of that. Do we argue a lot? During the whole home buying/remodeling and job changing process it puts both of us under a lot of stress and our differences are quite apparent from the get go. We never really sat down and have a real discussion about our differences, beside a few small argument here and there and it kind of went no where, we kind of just let life roll by to keep trying to focus on the next task at hand, which there were a lot stuffs to do like friends, house warming parties, remodeling, decorating, acquiring furniture and other future oriented stuffs like retirement planning, etc, etc. Now after most of the above is said and done, all of a sudden I feel like I am deprived of sparks in life that would normally come from falling in love with someone. I love her but I am not in love with her anymore, so what is wrong with me? My friend asked me to talk to her and ask her what she wants out of life and out of our relationship but I don’t even know where to begin? She seems fine with this life we have so it must be a shocker to her if I suddenly tell her that we need to work on our relationship and how I feel. I mean is it wise for me to not rock her boat and just keep my feeling to just myself until I can resolve it internally? I am hoping this feeling would blow off soon but at the same time I am also not satisfied. I don’ feel the sexual attraction to her anymore and I think she feels the same way and there is nothing between us that’s even a mystery anymore! I even called psychics a few times which I have never believed in or done so in the past and I laugh about it later because I think it’s ridiculous I am in this state of mind of not knowing what to do. To make matters worse, I have become infatuated with a friend which I was not at all attracted to just last year, but few months ago she became like a long lost lover that I have just found again, I am not cheating with her, I just have this feeling for her and its getting stronger each day. Lately there have been lots of sleepless night and waking up feeling sad over not being with her. She was not my type at all and I have never even dated her type before! But now I feel so differently about her! And what’s even worse is she has a boyfriend and is committed to him! So I know this is not going to be possible even just thinking about it, but this convoluted feeling inside me is driving me crazy, my next step is probably therapy but I truly wonder if they can tell me anything different from what my friend already told me. I know people will say don’t cheat because it hurts everyone, but how exactly do you resolve the urge to be happy, to feel wanted and needed and to feel so incredibly attracted to someone that you are willing to ruin yourself and give everything? That’s how I pretty much feel for this friend of mine. I think I am a giver in a relationship and I feel as if there is nothing I can offer to my girl friend anymore. I just don't feel she wants me sexually anymore except on occasion and I don't feel that she really cares about what I want anymore, not just sexually but everything else. May be I over exaggerated a little about my feeling to ruin myself for another woman but this feeling is bothering me a great deal to a point I am starting to feel awful because I am in a long term relationship that's no different from a marriage. Again, sorry for the long post, this is more of my silent cry because this stupid compulsion is driving me nuts.

 

One more thing, lately I think my girlfriend can feel that I am not all there with the sleepless nights and not being very talkative, I think she is trying to make some kind of effort to turn me back but I just don't feel the attraction is there as much, anyways...

[whichwayisup]

Be honest and tell her how you feel. Let her know the past few years haven't felt the same for you..That the house and renovations have taken their toll (btw, fighting/arguing is normal and stressful during renovations, it can be a real test to a relationship, but what counts is how you reconnect and fix things) and that you aren't as happy as you once were.

 

This can be a new beginning, together work on things, give it your best before walking away.. DO NOT CHEAT ON HER. That's just purely selfish of you to do that, and very cruel. SHe doesn't deserve that treatment from you, so please, don't be a scumbag cheater.

 

You are letting rough times and life get in the way. Instead of putting energy into someone else and cheating, fix what you think is broken and keep what you have with her.. UNLESS you are totally out of love and can't see a future with her anymore..If that is the case, break it off, move out and sort out the house and money issues fairly so she can go on with her life, find a man who will love her and not give up on her.

 

Please, whatever you do, don't cheat. That will not help your situation, it'll make things worse..

[Ducky23]

I am an xOW, and I was also the cheater (we weren't together but might as well have been). I have seen both sides very closely. My first word of advice is to seek a therapist to help you work through the feelings you're having. I'm seeing that there were times in the past (before you bought a house) where you and your girlfriend really should have sat down and talked about what you want in a future together, and then work for THAT. It's not JUST a house. It's a commitment to a future together. No, the answer is not cheating. If you don't feel like you're in love with your girlfriend and you aren't attracted to her, and are totally okay with hurting her by having an affair, then break up with her. It will rock her world both ways. I promise. What have you done to try and reignite the spark in your own relationship that you seem to feel is lacking? Is there an activity that you both enjoy that maybe you used to do together and don't anymore? Have you thought about EXACTLY when/why your feelings started changing? Long term relationships have a tendency to get stale if you don't both work at keeping it alive. I would say yes, sit down with your girlfriend and find out exactly what she wants in a future with you, what her plans are, what she wants/needs. I don't know about for men, but women are typically easy to please and get their sparks reignited in a stale relationship (or maybe that's just me?).. A spontaneous trip/gift/meal/whatever she likes. Does she know what you like/want/need in a relationship? Sometimes just seeing the twinkle in the eye of someone you love is enough to remind you why you're there, what you're doing, and why you're faithful. I wish you the best of luck.

[SoMovinOn]

I can't imagine how cheating would solve your problems. I think you should deal with your problems first - which pretty much seem to be that you are done with your R with your GF, and unwilling to admit that.

[BetrayedH]

Cheating couldn't be further from the correct solution.

 

I agree with WWIU. Get HONEST. Your GF likely feels the same stagnation. It happens. FIX IT. Get into couples counseling, read books on restoring your marriage (even though I understand you are not technically married). One good one is His Needs, Her Needs. You absolutely can reignite the spark between you. Having an honest conversation about how close you have come to ending it might just be the wake-up call that you both need to start reinvesting in your relationship. Starting it just takes the courage to tell her exactly what you've written here.

[soconfusedntor]

I really appreciate everyone's inputs. This is definitely a new challenge to me. After reading all the posts the answers I think are unanimous, be honest with myself and be honest with my girlfriend. I realized when picturing deep into the scenario of talking to her about my problem is that it will take lots of courage, and courage is what I am lacking of at the moment, thus I think the reason why I am thinking of straying, to avoid confrontations and all the associated emotions that comes with dealing with the problem. But who am I kidding when I think cheating won't cause more pains! One of my friend cheated on his ex-wife 3 times before they divorced and I know this has left undeniable scars on both of them, including the kid, he and she will never be normal and trusting ever again in my opinion, especially her. The concept of seeking couples counseling is not unheard of to me but at least with my immediate surrounding friends and family no one has ever given me hints that they done it, almost every couple I know or knew have at least some sort of problems and they mostly deal with it through playing deaf, breaking up or cheating, some have even resorted to worst options, which is unfortunate I know, but I feel as if life sometimes just never goes as planned, even when we plan on being together for the rest of our lives it still don't work out. Sorry for my pessimism, I think this is something I really need to work on first, changing my life view, have faith in people then may be I will have faith in myself, I didn't exactly come from a complete family myself too. As of now, I don't really know if either one of us is tenacious enough to pull through something as serious as looking at the possibility of a break up if only for reasons such as we are not sparkling anymore, I think she my come back to me and say, get real, this is life and that's how we deal with it. I think for at least some of the people who have cheated there is a sense of hopeless romantic in them that causes them to seek that feeling of romance in love, which tends to fade away after so long, but it does hurt when we cheat or have been cheated on, I agree.

Edited July 8, 2012 by soconfusedntor

[BetrayedH]

I really appreciate everyone's inputs. This is definitely a new challenge to me. After reading all the posts the answers I think are unanimous, be honest with myself and be honest with my girlfriend. I realized when picturing deep into the scenario of talking to her about my problem is that it will take lots of courage, and courage is what I am lacking of at the moment, thus I think the reason why I am thinking of straying, to avoid confrontations and all the associated emotions that comes with dealing with the problem. But who am I kidding when I think cheating won't cause more pains! One of my friend cheated on his ex-wife 3 times before they divorced and I know this has left undeniable scars on both of them, including the kid, he and she will never be normal and trusting ever again in my opinion, especially her. The concept of seeking couples counseling is not unheard of to me but at least with my immediate surrounding friends and family no one has ever given me hints that they done it, almost every couple I know or knew have at least some sort of problems and they mostly deal with it through playing deaf, breaking up or cheating, some have even resorted to worst options, which is unfortunate I know, but I feel as if life sometimes just never goes as planned, even when we plan on being together for the rest of our lives it still don't work out. Sorry for my pessimism, I think this is something I really need to work on first, changing my life view, have faith in people then may be I will have faith in myself, I didn't exactly come from a complete family myself too. As of now, I don't really know if either one of us is tenacious enough to pull through something as serious as looking at the possibility of a break up if only for reasons such as we are not sparkling anymore, I think she my come back to me and say, get real, this is life and that's how we deal with it. I think for at least some of the people who have cheated there is a sense of hopeless romantic in them that causes them to seek that feeling of romance in love, which tends to fade away after so long, but it does hurt when we cheat or have been cheated on, I agree.

 

That romantic "feeling" never lasts. You can't on that high with someone indefinitely. Real love matures into something more akin to a deep admiration and respect for one another. If you expect that "spark" to remain with someone indefinitely, you are headed for disappointment. You can certainly rekindle but make no mistake, if you go to someone else then it will eventually fade with them, too, especially if you havr not learned how to continue to grow from that point. You'll be destined to continue to find disappointment with every relationship when that high of new love wears off. Do you really want to be stuck in this cycle?

 

Fix your marriage dude.